Experimenting with my mayo sack

About every other day, my co-workers and I have to make chipotle-flavored mayonnaise. If you’re not familiar with the basic principle of mayo, it involves slowly drizzling oil into a mixture of egg yolk, spices, and vinegar. If you go too fast, the mayo won’t get thick. If you go too slow, it will break from over-working.

We had been pouring the oil very slowly into the mixer with a measuring cup. For a two or three cup batch of mayonnaise this process can take a while. So I devised a method to automate the oil drizzling and remove the human from the equation.

We begin by pouring the measured quantity of oil into a bag.

Then the bag is hung from the top of the mixer and an itsy-bitsy hole is cut in the bottom.

Then I let it drain, and when it has finished its drizzle, the mayo has completed its magical transformation.



Dear, posterity, in all future references to this great invention of mine, please refer to it as the "Bey-bag."

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Food Frakking in the Midwest

In my recent trip to the Midwest, I explored the ways that the cuisine of Wisconsin and Michigan differed from that of Texas. Mostly, there was depressingly little difference. The convenience stores were exactly identical, offering the same products on the same shelves. Any place that sold beer had a selection that was 80% mass-market beer that anyone would recognize, and 20% local craft brewed beer that looked just like the local craft brewed beer of Austin.

Here’s an example of the similarities, the "Woven Wheat" store-brand crackers of a grocery in Oshkosh looks exactly like the "Woven Wheat" store-brand crackers of Austin, which in turn look suspiciously like a brand-name cracker that shall remain unidentified.

However, there were some differences. Wisconsin takes its cheese a little more seriously than Texas.

This grocery cheese section literally stretched all the way into the perspective vanishing point.

When they want a snack, everyone in Wisconsin eats lumps of cheese and sausage.

There seemed to be more fish available. These are hand-caught bluegill fillets.

The smoked bluefins, caught in Lake Michigan and resumably not related to bluefin tuna, had their tales bent beneath them in order to fit inside the shrink wrap.

They tasted a little like kipper snacks, but with a richer and fresher flavor.

I ate them with Woven Wheats.

When I was in college, my beer of choice was Berghoff. But it didn’t seem to have the presence in Madison that I remembered. I only saw a couple of six-packs, and none at all of the "Berghoff Dark" variety that I preferred.

I didn’t care for the Prairie Lager, a little too light for me, but the Solstice Wit had a crisp and delicious flavor. Both varieties had the orange-peel aftertaste that I always enjoyed about Berghoff.

People in Texas have become familiar with Leinenkugals ever since the brand was picked up for distribution by Miller. In Minnesota you can apparently get it in the can.

Is it just me, or does it taste a lot different in the can?

A signature food of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan is the Cornish pasty. Think of it as a large empanada crossed with a pot-pie.

This pasty was filled with beef, potatoes, and rutabaga.

Has a more manly, filling food ever been invented?

They take their sausage seriously in Wisconin. This is a local brand of braunschweiger. Think of it as a working man’s pate.

No, these aren’t hot dogs, dammit. Look at the label, they’re clearly weiners. Quit calling them hot dogs.

Either way, they make a great campground breakfast.

No, these aren’t hot dog buns, dammit. They’re brat buns. Look at the label, you can only use them for brats!

Don’t tell my girlfriend, but I’m secretly in love with the Mustard Girl.

The Mustard Girl is all-American and gluten-free, two things that I insist on in a woman.

There were a few things that I hadn’t known I was missing. Take kringle for instance. What a delicious pastry. We used to eat it all the time. Kringles were brought to people’s houses as gifts the way the American-Indians would bring tobacco, or the way the English would bring tea. Until I saw it at the store, I had no idea there was a kringle-shaped hole in my life.

Another food that I didn’t know I was missing, cheese-food. Pictured here, beer cheese-food and bacon cheese-food.

There used to be one or two of these in the fridge all the time. It’s the perfect food for spreading on crackers and taking on picnics. I’ve been going to groceries in Texas and looking for this food, not knowing what it was that wasn’t there, but searching for it, for that need. Here’s Jeremiah eating cheese-food.

Jeremiah and Johnny Motard both agree that cheese-food seems very much like cheese-whiz in a cup.

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The New Space Squid is Coming

It’s August, and here in Austin that means two things, 1.) a month of tortuous heat and 2.) the Austin sci-fi convention Armadillocon. Yep, Armadillocon is the big show people. That’s why Space Squid is currently running around frantically putting together the new issue, the first new issue since the last time we were all at Armadillocon.

And because we are Space Squid, the most punk-rock and notorious Sci-fi/Humor/Comics zine in America, the issue release will have a number of truly amazing events, the details of which we are still ironing out. A party is virtually guaranteed.

Longtime readers of this blog will know about the ongoing malfunction with our beloved photocopier, Sanjay2. This was one of the reasons we skipped a spring issue. I’ve done more work on it, and it seems that even if Sanjay ever printed again, his days are numbered.

Space Squid would not truly be Space Squid without existing in meat-space, so we have found an even deader media in which to publish: clay tablet.

I’ll tell you more about the technical details of clay-tablet publishing later, but I will show you the proof-of-concept of the clay-printing process. Below, is a plastic-resin cast that contains the image of a squid and the name and number of the current issue in phonetic cuneiform. I have used the cast to impress the writing onto a lump of modeling clay.

If you’re going to publish in dead media, you might as well use a medium that’s proven to last 5,500 years.

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Porch Light Bugs

It’s like a midnight micro-zoo.



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Food Frakker Chicago

While in Chicago recently, I had the chance to eat an entire meal chosen from the selections of a Mediterranean grocery. There were spinach pocket breads bought hot out of the oven (I forgot to take a picture, but they were delicious), and this jar of salty olive brine vegetables called boleef.

There were carrots, tiny little onions, and some peperoncini, but they all tasted like olives.

And fava beans, which are apparently a real thing and not just made up by Hannibal Lector to scare children.

The Santa Rosa cookies tasted a little like fig newtons, but with a crispy, sesame crust.

The highlight was the Original Chicago Cheese.

Which tasted like the perfect cross between butter and cheese. We ate it with giant pita bread, still just a little warm from the oven.

Just before I left town, we ate at Chubby Weiners.

This place is famous for having a $250 hotdog. Most of the cost for this hotdog is the rare bottle of whisky that’s served on the side.

I ate their Chubby Dog, a tone-perfect Chicago dog (as one would hope, considering that the shop is within the shadow of an L station). The weiner itself was extra chubby, a quarter pound of thick hot dog meat with a casing that popped as I bit through it.

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Fayette: Pig Iron Town of the UP

While I was in Michigan, I camped in a historic state park called "Fayette." The DNR website doesn’t do Fayette justice. It’s the site of an old pig-iron smelting boom town from the late 19th century. The remains of the couple decades of its heyday are kept in a tasteful and picturesque mix of ruin and restoration.

The old smelters are still standing (left) and parts of the company store (right) and some of the charcoal kilns (the cone to the very far left). And the little harbor where the schooners took away the pig-steel ingots is still functioning.

This is the town hotel.

Through the window is the superintendent’s house, a building that was the height of Northwoods opulence at the time, but would be barely middle-class now.

All the informational plaques gave me the tantalizing impression that I could recreate my own steam-era smelting operation if I needed. The iron ore, charcoal, and limestone (for slag purification) are crushed by steam-powered machines, then carried to the top of the smelters in steam-powered lifts. As they pour down the stacks, they are fanned into extreme heat by pre-heated air injected by a steam-powered blower assembly.

This operation was the opposite of steam-punk. There was no fashion, no prettiness. There was simply the rough power of labor and machine.

In the park gift shop they had a series of historical romance novels set in Fayette. Because when I think of grim and tough immigrants working long hours for low pay in the most brutal environment in the United States, I think of romance. Here’s the synopsis for Donna Winter‘s Fayette: A Time to Laugh:

"The greatest passion of Flora McAdams’ life has always been her love of animals. From girlhood, she has made it her mission to care for orphaned wild creatures and ailing family pets in the pig iron town of Fayette. Now, at age eighteen, she has no lack of four-footed patients needing her skill, and no time or thought for romance, until a quiet Norwegian machinist comes to town."

Quiet Norwegian machinists are the new vampire.

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The Sights of the Northwoods

Howabout if I show you some pretty travel photos? They’re not as sappy as animal pictures, but probably duller.

Lake Michigan in summer is an inviting playground. There’s islands in the distance, a gray horizon, and water the perfect temperature for swimming.

It’s so far north that the sunsets have a remote, purple tinge.


The couple at the wedding I attended decided to burn themselves in effigy.


It may or may not have been symbolic of something.

Ironically, I don’t think that actual boys would be allowed to do what this statue is doing.

This is in Marinette, right at the border between Wisconsin and Michigan.

This may look like one of the Great Lakes, but it is only Lake Winnebago, a regular old lake.

I’m a little surprised they don’t call it Lake Ho Chunk now.

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Midwest Animals

I just got back from a week-long whirlwind trip of cosmopolitan and glamorous Wisconsin, Michigan, and Illinois. And while there I saw one or two interesting animals.

I swear, this won’t become an animal-pictures blog, but look, it’s a bunny!
Why doesn’t Austin have any bunnies? I practically tripped over them in Wisconsin.

This squirrel in Michigan charged at me.

Which I guess isn’t all that exciting.

When I was driving through the Great North Woods, I stopped at a highway rest stop and walked no more than twenty feet to get to a picnic table. But that was all it took to get this free-rider.


I still have the country kid ability to sense a tick by the way it jostles my leg hair.

If this Canada goose looks close, that’s because it was.

It hissed at me, but it wasn’t particularly aggressive, unlike those bastard swans.

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My Fan Club

The great thing about having your name as highly googlable as mine is you get picked up by a lot of content auto-generation sites. Some of them are pretty random, but a music video site just generated a page for "Matthew Bey Videos" and got their facts mostly right. It lists "Hometown Horrible" as one of my videos. It’s not a video, and it’s not music, but I am responsible for it. The best part is my music video profile already has a fan!

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How to Remove a Paper Jam From a Canon Faxphone L80

Today was the second time I had to remove a paper jam from the bakery’s Canon Faxphone L80. There was very little in the way of online documentation on disassembly, so I thought I would add to the public knowledge about taking apart a Canon Faxphone L80 laserprinter, fax, and complex plastic thingy. These instructions will show you how to remove the parts surrounding the Canon Faxphone L80’s fuser assembly and take out the bit of tattered paper inside.

Okay, got that Google? Now let’s begin.

Here is the Canon Faxphone L80. You start by removing all the cords and cables from the back and unplugging the handset. Take off all the paper trays and guides. Consider using one of these as a tray for holding all the screws you will soon have rolling around.

Now, open up the hinged front, there’s a latch at the top. Take out the toner cartridge while you’re at it.

Next, there are four screws that hold the outer plastic shell to the frame. Two of them are marked here, you can find the other two by inference. Once the screws are out, you can lift the shell right off.

Also take note of the (*). Those white plastic rollers will pop off and fling their spring across the room if you’re not careful. Avoid jostling them!

Now that we’ve got the case off, we might as well work on that hinged document loader thingy. On the lower right you will find a clear peg that holds the door/loader hinge in place. Pull that out, and the assembly slides off once you push it to the right. Be careful of the cords.

You don’t need to take the hinged loader thingy off the cables, that would take too much work. Just move it to the side where it’s out of the way. Careful with the wires!

Now let’s take off that rotating bar that goes along the front. There’s white clips just under the point where the bar makes contact with the frame. Gently squeeze the tabs on the clips and rotate the clips toward you. The bar should lift right off.


Can you spot Jeremiah’s white cupcakes in this picture?

Now we can get to the nitty gritty of popping off the fuser rollers. There’s black plastic guides clipped to the side of the frame that will prevent you from removing the fuser (the complex piece of machinery that’s hiding the paper jam). They’re only there as guides for the toner cartridge, but they physically block removing anything from the Canon Faxphone L80’s guts. They’re not attached by screws, or anything sensible like that. There’s a series of tabs and slots and it’s not at all intuitive how to remove it. It took me thirty minutes the first time to figure it out. But you can benefit from my frustration. Push in on the two round pegs, and then slide the assembly toward you. Actually, what I did was push at things and jiggled until something popped out.

Kinda looks like a happy face, don’t it?

Now we remove the screws that are actually holding down the fuser. There’s two of them, and they’re positioned in such a way that all of your Phillips head screwdrivers will either be way too short or just a little too long to fit into the space. The first time there was a paper jam, the office manager started by removing these screws and then promptly dropped one of them into the guts of the laser printer, never to be seen again. You may want to use a screwdriver with a magnetized head.

Now the fuser will lift right off, revealing that bastard piece of paper that accordioned itself where no coathanger or needlenose plier could extract it.

Good luck getting everything back together! I hope you didn’t lose any screws. We’ve been averaging one lost screw every time I disassemble the Canon Faxphone L80.

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