Zombie Lapdance

Once again, the Space Squid slushpile is empty. Plus most of the pressing business and correspondence leading up to the release of Issue 7 is in the bag.

There’s been a couple more occurrences of people querying me about stories that never made it into the inbox, so it could be that the email has some flaws in it. If you’ve submitted to Space Squid and have not heard from me at all, you should probably send a query right about now.

And if you’re wondering what would be good to submit to Space Squid, you should send us some space opera. I’m just in the mood for some space opera right about now. And if you can get it under 1000 words, then you’re a brilliant person and I love you.

We’ve put an end to the sale of back issues of Space Squid. Essentially we don’t have any left. So if you’re one of those special people who have a complete set of Space Squid, or a near complete set, here’s a guide to help you organize your now irreplaceable collection.

Issue One (aka Vol 1, Issue 1)
Summer 2005
Squid Grrrl: Cecil Clorox
Print run: 400, all commercially done
Notes: Matte black and white all the way through. Clearly a first effort, but with many notable contributions. Priced at $2, but nearly every copy was mooched by someone.

Stories:
"L.A. Basin vs. Central Texas" by Bruce Sterling
"The Trouble with Superman" by Chris Roberson
"Furniture, Fangs, and Fannies" by Jessica Reisman
"Life in the Pit of Bones" by Jay Lake
"Two Enigmas" by Chris Nakashima-Brown
"The Three Laws of Robotics" by Mike Sacks
"A.D.D. Pop Semiotics" by Jonathan Chang

Cartoons:
"The Octopus with Enormous Breasts" by Christopher Hay and Matthew Bey
"Dissecting Chekhov’s Heart" by D Chang
"War and Peace of the Worlds Mashup" by Steve Wilson
"Octopus Baby" by Mara Hincher

Illustrators:
David Johnston

Issue Two (aka Vol 1, Issue 2)
Summer 2006
Squid Grrrl: Corina Frankie
Print run: 300(?), Office Depot
Notes: First appearance of the wildly popular funpage. Glossiest black and white cover we ever had. We’ve since been informed that there is no longer such thing as legal-sized glossy copy paper. Cover price dropped to $1.

Stories:
"Cookies Have No Souls" by Ryan C. Thomas
"Tastes Like Chicken" by Michael Stone
"The Demon on the Floor" by Leo Siren
"Clone Barbecue" by Jennifer Pelland
"Primary Pollinator" by Nicole Kimberling
"Into the Slipstream!" by Robert Burke Richardson
"Slipstream Via Python" by Mikal Trimm

Cartoons:
Elf by Simon Boston
Apathy Striketeam by D Chang

Illustrators:
Tony Millionaire
Paul Milligan
David Johnston
Stanislav Grezdo

Issue Three (aka Vol 1, Issue 3)
Fall 2006
Squid Grrrl: Teal Day
Print run: 400(?), Office Depot
Notes: World Fantasy Issue. First appearance of regular contributor Derek J. Goodman. Wildly embarrassing copy-editing mistake means that many copies have Ryan Oakley’s name stickered over a name that is not his. At this point, it’s clear that we have no idea how the "Vol./Issue." naming convention works. Editor’s note suggests this is self-copied on Sanjay, our first free copier, but Sanjay died before we actually went to print. Official salute to Inferno/Krusher issue. Mikal Trimm established as nemesis.

Stories:
"Beta Test Dummy" by Ryan Oakley
"Headjobs…(and the expansion of the universe)" by Ashley Arnold
"Spray-on Nano Sex" by Paul Salamone
"3:06pm London, England" by Neil Carstairs
"Strength in Numbers" by Frank Roger
"Can’t Shoot Down a Rocker" by Zachary M. Loeb
"Power Pastry" by Derek J. Goodman
Marginalia from Mikal Trimm pretending to be Larry Flynt

Cartoons:
The Piranha by Fredy Rodriguez Jimenez
"Intelligent Design’s Future Plans for the Human Body" by Steve Wilson
Apathy Striketeam Sigma by D Chang
"Exploding!! (the most exciting comic in human history)" by Matthew Bey

Illustrators:
Ethan Martinez
Brian Clegg
Scott Kinnebrew
Big Honkey

Issue Four (aka Vol 2, Issue 1)
Summer 2007
Squid Grrrl: Nedra Frangelico
Print run: 400(?)
Notes: The first issue that we actually printed out on our free craigslist copier, Sanjay2, saving a truly massive amount of cash. Layout by Natalie Ferguson. Funpage puzzle comparing Barack Obama with Baraka from Mortal Kombat, completely fails to garner controversy.

Stories:
"World Should Welcome . . ." By David Alexander Mulis
"Cooking with Gas" by Mikal Trimm
"Ode to Code: A Geek Poem" by Raph Koster
"What We Know" by Rahul Kanakia
"Bad Amy" by Patrice Sarath
"Crossover Event" by Derek J. Goodman

Cartoons:
"Touch My Pecs! Now!!!" by D Chang

Illustrators:
G.W. Thomas
Fredy Rodriguez Jimenez
David Johnston

Issue Five (aka Number 5)
Spring 2008
Squid Grrrl: Chloe Warnock
Print run: 600(?)
Notes: First free issue. Special Nebula Awards in Austin issue.

Stories:
"The World’s Most Dangerous Animal Ever" by David Alexander Mulis
"Men Are from Mars, Women Are Intravenous" by Eric M. Witchey
"Talon of the Toucan" by Jeremy Malish
"Mr. Beanbag" by Blake Newton
"Rosewood" by Gary Moshimer
"Hex Support" by Melissa Tyler

Cartoons:
Project Invasion by Thomas J.
"Willies Bad Hair Day" by Christopher Schmitz

Illustrators:
James Kochalka

Chris Waltrip
Fredy Rodriguez Jimenez

Issue Six
Squid Grrrl: Joyce
Print run: 1255
Notes: First color cover. Sponsored by Gamecock and the Mushroom Men game for the Wii. Produced for Armadillocon.

Stories:
"The Sisters Hennessey" by Paige E. Roberts
"Our Grandparents Are Cheap Pine Coffee Tables" by Paul Robinson
"Professional" by Glenn Shaheen
"Wonder" by J.R.
"Shiitake" by Christopher Oatis
"The Night of Their Conversion" by Patrice Sarath
"Electric Fantastiphone" by Jens Rushing
"The Reply of Margarita Amanita" by Aaron DaMommio

Cartoons:
Paul Salamone
"Invasion Technician" by Terry Whisenant
"Knight of Clubs" by D Chang

Illustrators:
Chris Waltrip
Chris Friend
Red Fly Studio and Gamecock Media Group
Fredy Rodriguez Jimenez

Issue SixB
Squid Grrrl: Uno the Westminster Beagle
Print run: 60
Notes: User generated content from Friday, the first day of Maker Faire. Run off overnight for distribution Sunday, last day of Maker Faire.

Issue SixC
Squid Grrrls: Regina Falangi and Baluka Pasty
Print run: 50
Notes: Contains user-generated content from days one and two of Maker Faire. Distributed at Space Squid sponsored events only.

Some more library audio books we’ve been listening to at work:

The Smithsonian Collection: Old Time Radio Science Fiction
I’ve listened to this before as I recall, but the selections are such classics that I enjoyed them yet again. There’s the obligatory Wells’s "War of the Worlds", as performed by Welles. A highlights-version of the Martian Chronicles and Welles again, performing "Donovan’s Brain." According to the illustrious minds of sci-fi, we’re going to be visiting Mars in the year 2000, and the moon in 1987. Particularly effective was Suspense‘s performance of Bradbury’s "Zero Hour." Yep, don’t turn your back on those children.

We only made it through the first couple of CDs of the fully dramatized audio play of Tribulation Force the second book in the Left Behind series. "Dramatized" is a bit of a hyperbole, since there seemed to be no drama or events of note in the two CDs we heard. The Christians have the most boring apocalypse ever. And they coined the term! Why couldn’t they throw some zombies in there?

We got about two-thirds of the way through Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior, unabridged and read by the author, before sentiment turned solidly against it. The book is much like a rap song, where the author spends the entire time complaining about how everyone disses him, even though he’s totally awesome. Only without rhythm and in a totally condescending tone of voice. The best part is the chapter where he lashes out against Al Franken, calling him a pipsqueak who won’t amount to anything. Bill sure showed him, didn’t he? There’s some interesting summaries of the "secular progressive" forces he’s fighting against, but no real synoposis of what Bill O’Reilly stands for. Ultimately, O’Reilly proves that he’s not as compelling as his own parodies.

I had been talking about how impressed I was with the auteuristic stylings of Anurag Kashyap. To that end, I hunted down his children’s animation Hanuman Returns, a movie obscure enough that Netflix had to send it from Canada.

Never have I been so bitterly disappointed in a cartoon. Based on his earlier work, I was expecting a coherent and stylistic adventure. This was a total mess.

The movie begins with an apocalyptic battle between the gods and the demons. This has to have been taken directly from the vedic scriptures, because it makes absolutely no sense. Vishnu shows up on the back of a bald eagle (I can’t begin to parse that symbolism), and beats up a many-armed demon in a Mighty Mouse comedic style. This wakes up a yogi master who had been meditating underground, and he resurrects all the demons. It ends with the yogi guy and all the demons flying to Saturn.

It makes me sad that Judeo-Christian mythology doesn’t have any knock-down drag out god-on-demon action, but this sequence seems to have almost nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

Then we flash-forward to what may or may not be the present. There’s a curious blend of medieval and 20th century elements in most scenes, but I suppose gods don’t particularly care about chronological niceties like that, so anachronism ain’t a relevant criticism.

Here’s a youtube clip of Hanuman demonstrating his character as a boisterous strongman. Take particular note of time 3:00 on the clip, where Hanuman puts George Bush, bin Laden, and some pirates (?!?!) in a net. Also take a look at where he makes the Statue of Liberty dance and reshapes Mount Rushmore as a Hindu shrine. Again, more unparsable symbolism.

I’m impressed with how flippant this movie gets with Hindu theology.

I mean, there’s a scene where all the monkeys of the world fight the space demons. That’s practically Mormon weird.

Unless you’re fanatical about monkey related films (and you know who you are) then you ought to leave this one alone.

The great thing about the internet, is I can be just checking my email, and then I get to read headlines like: "Texas death row inmate pulls out eye, eats it."

The best part about the article is this quote from the man’s lawyer:
"He is insane and mentally ill. It is exactly the same reason he pulled out the last one."

In my family, nothing says the holidays quite like krumkake. It’s a crispy, Norwegian cookie that’s rolled into a tube, and filled with cream or Danish pudding (not pictured).

I actually own a krumkake iron, but I didn’t fire it up for the holidays because it was packed away in a storage unit beneath a pile of ex-girlfriend stuff. Here it is, along with the conical mold used for shaping the hot cookies while they’re still bendable.

Note the fine Scandinavian rosemaling waffle design.

Another signature family food, harking back to the days on the farm in South Dakota, the oven-fried pancake. It’s also called oven pancake fluff.


It’s called "oven-fried" because you bake it in a pan that already has a full stick of melted margarine. Then, to eat it, you slather it with more margarine. Or jam, but why skimp on a good thing?

I swear, the Fiesta grocery has greatly improved the amount of variety in my life. Here’s a series of impulse purchases:

Head cheese:

Hawthorne apples, which have about five pits per fruit and taste kinda like pears:

From the "elotes" stand outside the Fiesta:

My front teeth aren’t quite solid enough to eat the corn off the cob, but it’s still pretty delicious in a cup, each kernel cooked to a plump al dente. Served with cayenne powder and mayo.

There’s a new taco stand in my neighborhood. I don’t like the salsa as much as I did with the previous taco stand, but the barbacoa is delicious, tender, and fatty.

I finally passed by Jalapeno Joe’s on Airport at a time when they were open and I was hungry. The two-taco chicharron plate was under $5.

I imagine that the sloughed face-skin of Nazis staring into the Ark of the Covenant would be every bit as tender and juicy as these delicately stewed pig-skins.

Listen, whatever you’ve heard, Space Squid does not work for big oil. Squishy, our coporate mascot, just has a problem with biting things that move.

As I write this, my primary laptop is on the fritz and my new MP3 player hasn’t arrived yet. So I’m making do with a Win98 machine and library books on tape. I feel like I’m living like an animal, a twentieth century animal.

It’s shocking just how much of the happiness I’ve experienced over the last eight years has not been due to any improvements in my personal lifestyle so much as improvements in technology. Or perhaps it’s just that with podcasts like EscapePod and "The Red Panda" constantly whispering in my ear, I don’t have time to think about how little my lifestyle has improved.

At any rate, it’s vitally important to have something to listen to while I’m at work, slaving away with the pies and the cookie doughs, or I’m stuck in the agony of my own thoughts.

So here’s a partial list of the library books on tape and CD that we’ve been burning through.

Shrub: The short but happy political life of George W. Bush
by Molly Ivins and Lou Dubose
This was published just before Dubya proved how awful America really was at heart back in 2000. It’s read by Molly Ivins herself, as there is no human being who could have matched her sarcastic Texas drawl as she brings her dry wit to the many questionable dealings of the smallest Bush during the Vietnam War and his so-called entrepreneurial days. I remember listening to this during the early days of the war in Iraq and being surprised at just how blatantly Dubya was paid off by his daddy’s rich friends in failed business venture after failed business venture. It was a good review of why the last eight years were such a bad idea that could have been avoided. And it was good to hear Molly Ivins voice again. We miss you, Molly.

Geronimo: A biography
by Alexander B. Adams
Apparently as much as Geronimo hated the Americans, he really seriously hated the Mexicans. After reading about his long life of cultural misunderstandings, double-crosses, and bloody guerrilla warfare in the desert wastes of the South West, it was good to see that at the end of it all everyone learned how to get along and just be friends. Just kidding, Geronimo was imprisoned and forced to live his last days as a public freak.

Undead and Unappreciated
by Mary Janice Davidson
read by Nancy Wu
I appear to be listening to this series in reverse order. There’s lots of vampires and shopping, and coy references to Minneapolis suburbs that none of my co-workers understood. Nancy Wu’s voice is particularly shrill and annoying, which fits the narrative character perfectly. As chick lit, there’s many interesting cultural insights to be gained from this book. For instance, chicks worry about matching their bras to their panties, something that I’ve never worried about for an instance.

Battlefield Earth
by L. Ron Hubbard
read by Roddy McDowall
Amazingly, this book was even worse than the movie. There are no battlefields. The last half of the book is a bunch of Scotsmen (!), in kilts no less, dickering with alien bankers over the fate of the Earth’s mortgage. I wish to God I was making that up. Roddy McDowall goes all out though, with a Groundskeeper Willie Scottish accent and gruff alien voices for the Psychlos.

Valhalla Rising
by Clive Cussler
If there’s any fictional character more manly than Dirk Pitt, government scuba diver, I want to know who it is. By now, we have a pretty good idea how a Dirk Pitt novel is set up. There’s a flashback to a historical shipwreck, then a modern shipwreck, then Dirk Pitt scuba dives his way into a villainous lair, he teams up with his Italian buddy to murder scads of henchmen, somebody comments about how colorful Pitt’s eyes are, there’s a wildly improbable action sequence, followed by an even more improbable one, they dive a shipwreck, and then the villain dies. The way to differentiate this novel from the ones with the Antarctic Nazis or the Chinese immigrants on the Mississippi, is by the Fokker Tri-plane dogfight over Manhattan. The best part of Valhalla Rising is where they explained that the villain was so bad because he was trying to get the price of oil up over $100 a barrel. And part of his crazy plan was to blow up the World Trade Center. How improbable can a book get, sheesh.

Wooooooooooooooooo!!!

The Food Frakker is going to be on holiday for a few days due to technical failures. In the meantime, here’s The Food Pornographer to tide you over until I can upload some more photos. Here’s a photo of some tunamayo sushi.

Which appears to be a tunasalad sandwich, but with rice and seaweed instead of wonderbread.