During the May movie Revcast, after hearing the synopsis for "Battle for Terra", Gary commented that he was worried about being hit with the message stick. To which Deanna replied, "It’s a Canadian film, of course it has a big message stick."
But it was in 3D, and it’s the summer, so I thought I would check it out.
But it wasn’t in 3D. Not in the theater I watched it in.
With no special effects to buffer the experience, the message stick clobbered me pretty bad. Here’s how "Battle for Terra" sucks balls:
1.) The cute aliens float. Everything they own also floats. Humans don’t float. Nothing humans own float. No matter the environment. Nobody bothers to explain why gravity doesn’t work on the damn aliens.
2.) The evil general (remember, in Canada all military personnel are evil) says about the planet he’s trying to conquer: "They have real water down there! Not this chemical stuff!" Now, you have to be a hippie with advanced patchouli poisoning (or a Canadian) to think that makes any sense.
3.) There’s flying whales in this movie:
The flying whales participate in the cute alien’s "celebration of life festival". And during the battle sequence, one of the flying whales gets mortally wounded by a wild laser blast or something. Then, as its screaming bloated whale carcass plummets out of the sky, a wise elder (James Garner) watches the glowing hologram image of the dying animal and hangs his head in sorrow, a single non-chemical tear of water beading on his hippie-ass cheek.
Next blog entry: I find out if I have enough Norwegian ancestry to legally emigrate and join their whaling fleet.
