The Pronto gasstation broke their hotdog carousel this week. Something to do with the prongs getting wedged between the baskets and the side and breaking the motor. While the get the Pronto corporate technicians working on the problem, this would be a good time to look at some of the other convenience store hotdogs out there.
Tigermart Dog
It’s only a block from where I live, conveniently located to the highway, and open 24hrs. My only complaint is that contrary to their name, you cannot buy tigers there. Not even on order. I asked.
The first time I bought a dog at the Tigermart, it was late at night and the steamer had long since burned the buns to a melba-toast class of stale. The hotdogs had been spinning on the rollers for so long that they looked like scabby and crisp, like George Hamilton’s face. I thought that this would make them much richer in taste, like good beef jerky. They weren’t. They were just hard to chew.
I went again, when the dogs were fresher, and they tasted solidly mediocre. At least Tigermart has those chili and queso dispensing machines. I bet that the Indians of Chihuahua are kicking themselves right now, for not inventing dispensing machines to serve the rest of the Tex/Mex repertoire.
Tigermart Dog: Grade – C plus
C-Mart Hotdog
When I first came to Austin, lo those many years ago, I was scared, lonely, and confused most of the time. My only respite from this impersonal metropolis was my weekly trip to the laundromat. I would carry my entirely earthly wardrobe down to the laundry, and for an hour I wouldn’t have to think or worry. Right next door to the laundry the C-mart convenience store would sell two "Decker" hotdogs for 99 cents. Those dogs would be the best meal I would have all week.
I went by there again, and you know what? THEY STILL SELL TWO HOTDOGS FOR 99 CENTS!
I mean, is there any better food deal in town? I can’t imagine.
The "Decker" brand hotdogs are a little more al dente, they have a little more character than most of the dogs you see out there, so they were a nice change of pace. There’s no steamer for the buns, there’s just a plastic grocery bag of hotdog buns under a sneeze guard. The condiments were pretty minimal; three squeeze bottles for the ketchup, mustard, and mayo (I know what your mother told you, it’s actually okay to not refrigerate mayonnaise. The vinegar gives it a low-enough PH that it retards microbial growth, and the rest of it is oil which doesn’t spoil anyways. So your mother was wrong. Deal with it.)
C-Mart Decker Dogs – Grade A
Seven Eleven Big Bite
Have you noticed how everything they sell at 7-11 is a verb? "Big Bite Hotdog" or "Double Gulp". I think it’s some sort of crude neural-linguistic programming. I just want a hotdog, and I want it fast. Don’t corrupt my mind while you’re at it, please.
7-11 is the Microsoft of convenience store dogs. They were the ones who pioneered the whole chili and queso dispensing machines. Including those reassuring glowing-red temperature readout on the front so those of us with a modicum of a microbiology background know we’re not necessarily going to spend the next three days spouting from both ends of our alimentary canal.
I used to work with this guy who was on the cusp of homelessness, and he used to go to 7-11, buy a hotdog, and then fill up both halves of the box with chili. Keep that in mind the next time you go on an 8-year bender. Also remember that the first spooge from the nozzles, whether it be chili or queso, is going to be a crusty plug of leftovers. So have a napkin ready to catch those chili/queso boogers.
But here’s why 7-11 hotdogs are so awesome. At some point, the convenience store engineers were looking at that huge hotdog rolling machine on the counter, and they thought to themselves, "You know, we don’t have to put only hotdogs in these machines. The food just has to be kinda tubular." And that’s when the great rush for hotdog-esque foods began.
I clearly remember the first time I saw one of the 7-11 hamburger-dogs. It was along a highway somewhere in North Carolina. My first reaction was: "My God, that looks exactly like a turd." Followed by my lasting impression: "My God, that’s genius." It actually tastes as much like a hamburger as anything you’re likely to find along a highway.
I was told by friends that the "Go-Go Taquitos" aren’t necessarily a completely fanciful food. The Chihuahua Indians apparently made taquitos (without the Go-Go verbage). Personally I have my doubts. I think that "Taquitos" have as much cultural validity as the "Pizza Rolls."
Seven Eleven Big Bite and related dogs – Grade A
