{"id":631,"date":"2006-10-04T21:25:52","date_gmt":"2006-10-04T21:25:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2006\/10\/04\/conquest-of-the-italian-barbarian-flicks\/"},"modified":"2012-08-17T05:25:06","modified_gmt":"2012-08-17T05:25:06","slug":"conquest-of-the-italian-barbarian-flicks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2006\/10\/04\/conquest-of-the-italian-barbarian-flicks\/","title":{"rendered":"“conquest” of the italian barbarian flicks"},"content":{"rendered":"

[<\/strong> \"Neutral\" Mood:<\/strong> Neutral ]<\/strong>
when it comes to trash cinema, i take the opinion of my co-worker johnny motard<\/a> quite seriously. which is why when his first pick "shallow ground" was checked out, and the store didn’t have "the delicate art of the rifle", i went to john’s second pick, the only sword and sorcery epic to come from italy’s horror auteur (goreteur perhaps?) lucio fulci. <\/p>\n

i can’t say "conquest"<\/a> had a recognizable plot, other than a series of apparently unrelated scenes containing either toplessness or dismemberment, and sometimes both. but it had something to do with a young man wandering through a land of stone-age grunts. the young man is different because he comes from an advanced culture that has invented the bow and arrow (although apparently they only manufactured one bow and about four arrows) as well as leather hotpants. while wandering he meets a han-solo character with eighties hair and the devasting weapon "femurs on a string". then they are attacked by unconvincing wookie-suited henchmen of a witch who never wears anything more than a gold mask and a spike-encrusted bikini bottom. the gold mask is because apparently she has a bad case of "butter face", but she overcomes her disability nevertheless by enthusiastically devouring human brains straight out of the skull without actually removing her mask, which the astute viewer will have noticed has no mouth-hole.<\/p>\n

at the end the heroes manage to overcome evil by looking deep into their hearts where they keep the unconvincing glowing arrow effects.<\/p>\n

oh, yeah, and the whole thing had both the clumsy italian movie sound design and half-assed dubbing, as well as ear-wrenching eighties synthesizer music.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[  Mood: Neutral ]when it comes to trash cinema, i take the opinion of my co-worker johnny motard quite seriously. which is why when his first pick "shallow ground" was checked out, and the store didn’t have "the delicate art of … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-631","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n"conquest" of the italian barbarian flicks - Zombie Lapdance<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2006\/10\/04\/conquest-of-the-italian-barbarian-flicks\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\""conquest" of the italian barbarian flicks - Zombie Lapdance\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"[  Mood: Neutral ]when it comes to trash cinema, i take the opinion of my co-worker johnny motard quite seriously. which is why when his first pick "shallow ground" was checked out, and the store didn’t have "the delicate art of … Continue reading →\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2006\/10\/04\/conquest-of-the-italian-barbarian-flicks\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Zombie Lapdance\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2006-10-04T21:25:52+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-08-17T05:25:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/http:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/\/\/images\/weblogs\/mood_neutral.gif\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\">\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"mbey\">\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\">\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"1 minute\">\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/\",\"name\":\"Zombie Lapdance\",\"description\":\"Matthew Bey Spills His Guts\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/?s={search_term_string}\",\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2006\/10\/04\/conquest-of-the-italian-barbarian-flicks\/#primaryimage\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"url\":\"http:\/\/http:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/\/\/images\/weblogs\/mood_neutral.gif\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2006\/10\/04\/conquest-of-the-italian-barbarian-flicks\/#webpage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2006\/10\/04\/conquest-of-the-italian-barbarian-flicks\/\",\"name\":\"\\\"conquest\\\" of the italian barbarian flicks - Zombie Lapdance\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2006\/10\/04\/conquest-of-the-italian-barbarian-flicks\/#primaryimage\"},\"datePublished\":\"2006-10-04T21:25:52+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2012-08-17T05:25:06+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/#\/schema\/person\/8d790559a19b5597ebb69b7b744f4c4b\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2006\/10\/04\/conquest-of-the-italian-barbarian-flicks\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/#\/schema\/person\/8d790559a19b5597ebb69b7b744f4c4b\",\"name\":\"mbey\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/#personlogo\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/ec0048e5e9430f44d486e786b687ccc04ae355c54158c186e99cf279e584940a?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"mbey\"},\"description\":\"Matthew is a writer and editor living in Austin, TX. 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