{"id":230,"date":"2009-10-21T20:43:22","date_gmt":"2009-10-21T20:43:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2009\/10\/21\/hawk-the-slayer\/"},"modified":"2012-08-17T05:24:02","modified_gmt":"2012-08-17T05:24:02","slug":"hawk-the-slayer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2009\/10\/21\/hawk-the-slayer\/","title":{"rendered":"Hawk the Slayer"},"content":{"rendered":"

Let us talk about Hawk the Slayer<\/span><\/a>.
\n<\/p>\n

Back in the 80s, before we had bottom-budget SyFy channel movies, we had bottom-budget sword and sorcery. Hawk<\/span> takes place in a primordial past where good guys and bad guys have a lot of random encounters in the woods. They’re all just out there, in some totally random spot in the forest, burning a witch or having reckless ax-throwing contests.<\/p>\n

The titular character, Hawk the Slayer, is heir to a kingdom or something, but he spends most of his time wandering around with an elven mind-sword.
\n
\nIt has a hand on the handle that glows!<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, his brother, Jack Palance, who appears to be at least thirty years older than him (and slightly older than their mutual father who I guess was a king or something), is out conquering the land with an army of less than a dozen extras. Here we see Jack Palance as he screams "My acting is this big!"
\n<\/p>\n

There’s some monks in this world, who are possibly Christian, but it’s not clear. They live in badly painted fantasy fan art.
\n<\/p>\n

The supporting characters are really what makes the movie. There’s a blindfolded witch with the ability to bend time and space, who is nevertheless nearly burned to death by a couple of rubes with whips. The other characters just call her "woman". They can do this because every other female in the movie is either a nun or dead, or both. Keep that in mind for future reference, the primary character archetypes for women are witch, nun, and dead. <\/p>\n

The other members of the merry band are a giant who’s about six-foot-four, a dwarf who’s about five-foot-three, and an elf with relatively high cheekbones. If I was at a party I might think that the giant and the dwarf had an impressive size difference, but in a movie it just looks like the casting agent was taking the day off.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Let us talk about Hawk the Slayer. Back in the 80s, before we had bottom-budget SyFy channel movies, we had bottom-budget sword and sorcery. Hawk takes place in a primordial past where good guys and bad guys have a lot … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-230","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nHawk the Slayer - Zombie Lapdance<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/zombielapdance\/2009\/10\/21\/hawk-the-slayer\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Hawk the Slayer - Zombie Lapdance\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Let us talk about Hawk the Slayer. 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