Julia, my food-frakking deputy, had never been inside that mineral shop down on East Fifth, the one inside the used office furniture warehouse. I can never remember what it’s called, Nature’s Booty? Earth Package? Dirt Treasure? Something like that.
Anyway, we found out that they didn’t have any uranium, but they did have a fossilized mineral called "viking balls" that was supposed to give you strength and courage. Like a viking! It wasn’t clear if you were just supposed to own the mineral, or if you had to eat it, or fondle it, or whatever. But I’m sure it works.
They also had some 2012 crystals. I mean, I love the Mayan calendar and I love healing, so the two together must be awesome.
I would never force you to read the entire page of explanatory text, but here’s some samples with exegesis.
The opening paragraph:
"The vibrational rate of the 2012 crystal is among the highest of any on the planet and energetically contains our completed future selves. They have downloaded themselves energetically into the 2012 crystals as a vehicle to return to their past which is our present to rescue our present self."
So. From this we can conclude that quartz crystals 1.) vibrate, 2.) contain energeticals, 3.) travel in time, and 4.) cost a mere $22.
From the third paragraph:
"As unique healing tools, Twenty-Twelve Crystals ™, have combined properties of diagnostic and repair. Much like a diagnostic tool linked to the computer inside your car, they both analyze the situation and often heal it simultaneously!"
Holy shit! Computers heal cars!
And here’s the conclusion:
"The 2012 Crystals energetically connect or grid with all other 2012’s on planet. The users and the planet herself benefits from the higher vibration created."
I need to take my hat off to the creators of the 2012 crystals. By taking a mineral which has a wholesale cost of $.50, finding the ones that contain the spiritual energy of time-traveling ghosts, and then giving it a trademark and a brand name, they not only improve the lives of massage therapists and their clients, they actually make an entire planet better.
Thank you 2012 cyrstal people. You are true heroes.