Life is so damn good.

Sword fighting on Mt. Vesuvius while it blows Pompeii to Hell, huge Braveheart-like battles with tubby Scottish dudes waving swords the size of a large child, beheading the crap out of feudal Japan, having fierce melee combat in rooms full of hanging stuff (chains, beef carcasses, electrical wiring)… The Highlander franchise continues to be awesome for people who hated I <3 Huckabees.

It shouldn’t be hard getting the franchise staples involved in this – Adrian Paul hasn’t eaten in three weeks, and Christopher Lambert cries himself to sleep every night ever since he found out that he settled for Rhona Mitra when he could’ve had Angelina Jolie in his Beowulf movie. What would probably move about fifty thousand more copies of this game? Sean. Filking. Connery. The old man is retired, but he put in a weekend doing voice work for From Russia With Love about two years ago, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind resurrecting Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez one last time if he could buy a nice big bottle of very old Scotch with the paycheck.

And come on, he can’t go out on The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

I completed Bioshock last night, and I’ve got to say, that, despite all the high scores its getting in magazines and on well respected websites, and all the hype that had built up behind it over the past year… I still wasn’t ready for how amazing this game is, and how it forces you to become emotionally invested in it. It isn’t a good game because it has realistic water effects or a deep and interesting combat system, but because, like a great book or a classic film, it forces you to examine your own humanity, and how fragile it is.

There are many nuanced examples of how the game does this, but the most glaring occurs when you capture a little sister. You’re given the choice of destroying her, or saving her. Its hard to explain how having a six year old girl in your arms and her life in your hands makes you feel, knowing that you can prove yourself a monster or a man with a touch of a button. This single aspect of the game is as manipulative as it is genius, and sets the tone for every encounter and interaction I had in Rapture.

The poor deranged souls infesting the under water city have lost their minds, their beauty, their everything. Killing them is merciful, and atones for all their sins, which in many ways, they aren’t even responsible for. They were mothers, businessmen, dancers, actors, scientists, doctors – the best and the brightest the world had to offer. The entire society’s addiction to what they thought was a harmless drug that granted them instant personal happiness turned them all into murderous, hideous psychopaths. Despite all the horrors that occurred at their hands against each other, the game still stirs sympathy for these citizens of a godless Eden. They were all good and noble humans who became slaves to their body chemistry, not monsters driven to destroy without purpose.

Even the game’s main antagonist, Andrew Ryan, proves himself a hero. At first seeming like a paranoid objectivist spook, his genius becomes more and more apparent as the game goes on, and his honorable intentions and magnificent accomplishments render him even more heroic than the character you play. His claims that the culture he built around Ayn Rand’s writings on the Virtue of Selfishness failed due to the society’s weakest members. This seems arrogant at the time, but, two thirds of the way through the game, you may come to agree with him, and perhaps even admire his heroism more than his lack of tact.

Overall, Bioshock is a brilliant and beautiful game. It is a sweeping and moving experience throughout, and is never, ever tedious or boring.

PERCHIWAHDSISABA ABBAHAHAHAAA?! WTF? GRUBMASHAERDSTER! AGAHDSADSFJ! WOTSODAWOTOTDOWOAH?!!!!!

UNICORN NEEDED!

Two games are coming out next week for the PS3 that have had a little trouble getting off the ground, despite being aerial combat simulators. Both of them were supposed to be ready in 2006, both of them have had huge cuts made to their staff, and both have been hyped to heights that, unfortunately, they can’t possibly reach. The killing blow for either of them becoming a break out hit?

They’re essentially the same game.

With Madden NFL 08 surrounded by controversy due to EA working harder on the 360 version than the PS3 version, August has been a very slow month for Sony. Fortunately, two of its biggest games are going to arrive at the ass end of the month, Lair and Warhawk.

Way back in the day, before the PS3 launch and slightly after I figured out people would pay me for bitching about videogames, our very own Joe Crowe suggested that I review Lair. It was, at the time, expected to be a launch title. It seemed like a really cool concept for a videogame, and he’d liked the early screen shots.

You are a dragon rider, fighting for your nation against a horde of rebels and barbaric indiginous people, raining down fire and razor sharp talons on the ground and air forces of your enemies. As time goes on, the main character feels his heart strings being plucked, and calls his allegiance into question.

Due to any number of mystery factors, the game was delayed nearly a year.

Factor 5, the developer, was previously famous for doing a lot of Star Wars themed ship to ship combat games for the Nintendo 64 and GameCube, and those games were no doubt pushing the boundaries of what could be included in a game for those systems considering their capabilities. They defected from Nintendo to Sony, citing that they were very disappointed that Nintendo didn’t turn up the notch on the processor and graphics power of the Wii.

They may now be cursing themselves for making the move. It is speculated, and I stress speculated, that the difficulty in programming for Sony’s console is what delayed Lair so heavily, as it was supposed to be a killer app (a game released during a console’s initial launch specifically to help boost hardware AND software sales, a la Halo or a new Mario game). If this is true, its very unfortunate, both for Sony and for Factor 5.

While Lair’s development cycle was merely unfortunate, Warhawk is something of a Greek tragedy. The original Warhawk came out nearly a decade ago for the original Playstation, and inspired a special controller that used both motion sensitive controls and had a rumble feature. While the motion sensitive controls are now standard, the rumble feature has been removed from the PS3’s controller schematic to cut costs on production. This is a very minor annoyance when you take into consideration that, while Lair will have a somewhat deep storyline, Warhawk is only multiplayer.

Last year, a full single player campaign was finished and ready to be implemented into the game. The developer, Incognito, later released a quiet trickle of information that they had cut the single player campaign out completely, and were scrapping development. Whether this was the fault of the developer or the fault of, again, developing for Sony’s console, was never really found. Just a bunch of vague, diplomatic answers that implicated no one.

Eventually, the Sony community got their torches and pitchforks, prompting Incognito to admit that the game was moving towards an exclusively multiplayer type of play. This was either a bold or desperate move, as no exclusively multiplayer game has ever sold well on a console – unless it was a fighting game like Tekken.

Rumors started flying left and right about the nature of Warhawk. There was much rejoicing when a Digg article implicated that Warhawk would be a Playstation Store exclusive, meaning there would be no disc to buy or worry about, you’d simply download the game onto your console’s hard drive. This also meant that the game couldn’t be more than $20, which would be reasonable considering the lack of single player. This later proved to be false, and fans were disappointed to learn that they, indeed, would be buying an entire $60 disc.

So, on the 28th, we have a game about a flying dragon roasting enemies from high above and a game about an experimental jet fighter bombing enemies from high above. To add insult to their injuries, their controls are exactly the same. Pitch and yaw are managed by tilting the control, while firing and activating special events are held on the buttons.

These two companies could not possibly have chosen a worse month to come out with their long delayed games, as they’re now competing with eachother, instead of the 360 titles. I hope I’m proven wrong because I really respect both developers, but I think that Warhawk is going to completely flop due to steadily waning interest since the single player campaign was cut, and Lair will have only modest success, not worthy of the effort Factor 5 had to put into the game. The relatively small PS3 install base may also hurt.

A year long delay is absolutely nothing to sneeze at in terms of production costs, and positive press is really hard to keep a hold of in the gaming industry considering all the yellow journalism. It will be very interesting keeping an eye on the numbers, since, regardless of the games’ quality, PS3 owners don’t really have anything else to buy this month. Not only that, I could be completely wrong about both titles simply because Sony fanboys have been waiting for these games so long, they committed to buying them last November.

I wish all the best for Factor 5 and Incognito. They certainly put their time in and deserve credit for all their hard work, whether or not it would have been easier working on other consoles.

I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good players or bad. Why we fought, or why we had to reroll. All that matters is that I get into the Age of Conan beta. That’s what’s important! Monthly subscriptions please you, Funcom… so grant me one request. Grant me free access to the bloodiest MMO ever made!

And if you do not listen, then to ASHERON’S CALL 2 with you!

This week didn’t see much in the ways of releases for the good ol’ 360, just some cruddy Madden game in the stores and Ecco the Dolphin on XBLA. But next week, oh the joy that shall be had.

Two Worlds, Bioshock, Stranglehold and Blue Dragon are all coming next week. That means a lot for Microsoft, as all four are expected to be excellent titles and three of them are console exclusives. This blitz also marks the start of a few short bursts of premium titles leading up to September 25th, which is when our lord and savior, Master Chief Petty Officer John Spartan-117, will descend from the heavens and finish the fight in Halo 3. As a side note to a side note, Halo 3 itself is expected to be such a juggernaut, that there will be hardly hide nor hair on the market on any of the other consoles for another month – just in time for the holiday blitz.

I’ve freaked out about Two Worlds and Bioshock extensively, but I don’t think I’ve jot down my thoughts on Blue Dragon or Stranglehold yet.

Stranglehold is a sequel to Hard Boiled, the 1992 John Woo film. It is a third person shooter that boasts a very cinematic feel and interactive environments that encourage a lot of Chow Yun Fat jumping around and sliding on things type action.

I have mixed feelings about this title, as I feel that John Woo is a horrible, way overrated director. He had his day fifteen years ago, now its time to move on and find a new cool action guru. How deep his involvement in Stranglehold runs may very well determine how good it is – in other words, less is more. A videogame that is a John Woo movie would probably be horrible, but a videogame inspired by the John Woo’s fight choreographers may very well be excellent.

Stranglehold will also be coming out on the PS3, and a collector’s edition for that console will include the film Hard Boiled on the same blu-ray disc as the game. This would be an impressive testament to the blu-ray disc’s storage space, but there are rumors that the game is very short, prompting the question: Why wasn’t that extra space, where they were able to fit a two hour high definition film, used to improve or expand on the game?

Blue Dragon may very well be a much longer and deeper experience, but its really aimed at the Japanese audience – a country that Microsoft lost last console cycle and has been losing for the past two years. Its a traditional RPG that I don’t give a crap about, made by one of the masterminds behind the Final Fantasy series. Therefore, big money.

Frankly, the biggest thing I’m looking forward to this week is Bioshock, having played through the demo about six times in the past two days. Those little sisters, man – they give me the jibblies. Uh oh. Here they come again!

Oh, Gillian Anderson. Our love was only meant to be expressed through Microsoft Word.

This movie got me laid.

A few months ago, Mickey Mouse was beaten to death by a jew to teach children about the Palestinian/Israeli conflict. No, really.

The geniuses behind that little ditty have just won my heart by teaching another important lesson: animal cruelty. Pissing off lions and spontaneously attacking small animals are hobbies of mine that I’m very passionate about. I’m glad that future generations of children will know the joy of punting cats thanks to this program.

[  Currently: Listening to not Phil Collins ]
Trust your heart, let fate decide, to guide these lives we see!

Eh. I mean, I wasn’t singing and typing Phil Collins lyrics from an awesome Disney movie. Nope. I was thinking about that article I just linked to, about how a tabletop RPG is going to come with a videogame RPG. Yep.

Its a very interesting ploy to milk a collector’s edition, and I guess there will be genuine interest for some of the people who intend to buy the game. I’m not normally excited by pen and paper stuff, as I feel it belongs to another generation that didn’t have Nintendo while growing up (YOU’RE ALL BARBARIANS), but I’m really excited to see how this turns out. If I can get a group together who are open minded towards sitting around and doing algebra camouflaged as gameplay while stating our characters’ motivations and actions, and they aren’t LARPers, hey, woo, let’s go for it, woo.

Stateside, Two Worlds is this year’s dark horse RPG, and, thanks to a crap marketing team, is poised to blindside many Americans who had thought they were in the loop. The game is much bigger news in Australia, Europe and even some countries in the mysterious heathen lands of Asia, where western RPGs that aren’t World of Warcraft typically fail horribly. This game is sooooooo big… (How big is it? ((thank you)) ) … a Dutch X-Box 360 magazine actually gave the game its highest marks possible after playing through it while it was only in alpha. In other words, when the reviewer played it, it was loaded with bugs, no single aspect of the game was finished, there was no voice over work, and it was still better than all the hundred million dollar franchises currently floating around in the industry. A pretty impressive feat – unless it was just European flavored hype.

A self admitted Oblivion clone, Two Worlds aims to perfect the free roaming/free questing genre best exemplified in The Elder Scrolls series by including what Bethesda had to leave out of their games. Probably best known is the inclusion of cooperative multiplayer for up to four players, allowing the social feel of old school tabletop RPGs to leak through players’ broadband internet connections, without all the awkward seduction rolls.

Yes, that’s right, it’s a MiniMORPG.

Two Worlds ships August 21stish. I’m gonna go cry about Kerchak now. I mean, kick a child… or something…