[  Mood: Evil ]
[  Currently: Listening to The Immigrant Song ]
We come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow. Hammer of the Gods. We’ll drive our ships to new lands. To fight the hordes, singing and crying:

VALHALLA, I AM COMI-IIII-IIIIING!

That’s right. I’m metal. However, in the time it took me to type out those lyrics, my playlist has gone from Zep to Rock Lobster by the B-52’s. My dad likes them, he’s old.

Motion in the Ocean.

I got my paycheck today! That means I can buy useless nerd crap and eat for another month! Hooray x2! The question is, what overpriced mediocre video game do I drop sixty bucks on today? I have choices, you see.

1. Call of Duty 2 – These games are always fantastic. I love romantic portrayals of WWII like fat girls love fried chicken buckets and crying into them because they’re lonely. The problem is, it is a first generation 360 game, and I’m not guaranteed of its quality.

One of the major flaws of the Call of Duty franchise is that the games were produced primarily as educational aides, not realistic intepretations of what really happened in the big one. This means that its totally historically inaccurate to hide the cruel realities of war, you plow through about an eighth of Germany’s population in each level, and there’s no gore, to protect the chil’ren from the violence. Its like Spielberg digitally editing walkie talkies into Saving Private Ryan to replace the guns or something.

2. Just Cause – This is basically a GTA clone whose emphasis is getting rid of Hugo Chavez. While it is interesting in the gameplay footage I’ve seen, I’m not sure I can get used to how ludicrous having a parachute pop out of nowhere is at all times. Its not even mapped on the main characters body, which might seem like a minor complaint, but the guy who was dragging a parachute with him everywhere he went in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was my favorite character in that film. I’m disheartened that the parachute is not only invisibly omnipresent, but also functional. Exactly the opposite would’ve been a far more hilarious combination.

3. Saint’s Row – F*ck, n*gg*. This sh*tty game made me want to grab that Goliath motherf*cker by the throat, b*tch slap him upside his Riddick lovin’ head, and f*ckin scream in his face, "WHY AREN’T YOU ACCELERATING YOU’RE MOTHERF*CKING LIFE IN THE MOTHERF*CKING NAVY, YOU GODD*MN PUNK B*TCH! Now get the f*ck off my X-Box before I make you listen to some B*rb*r* Str**s*nd on the custom motherf*ckin’ soundtrack. B*tch." Seriously though, I rented it, its the pinnacle of mediocrity in GTA clonery.

4. The Godfather – This is yet another GTA clone. However, it is a GTA clone with Brando in it, and thus, it is a serious contender. People seem to really like this game, even though I’ve never tried it. So far, I’ve heard that it’s Stella. Like it’s a game that I can’t refuse. I just hope that there’s no monkey human hybrids in it like there was in that Val Kilmer movie. Er, damn, there goes my Brandoendo streak. As an angry Italian guy, this game appeals to me in almost every way. I’m particularly looking forward to seeing the horsehead in Abe Vigoda’s bed rendered in HD 360 graphics.

Good times.

5. Enchanted Arms. This game is fag hag training. It’s hard to see that yet another Japanese RPG is going to infect yet another generation of emo boys and dumb girls who dream of falling in love with spikey haired, turqoise eyed androgynous men, who in turn play gonzo Japanese RPGs. Tis a vicious cycle.

6. Ninety-Nine Nights. Aka, NNN, according to the kool kidz. This one is actually a decent prospect, but as I understand it, the one button combat becomes tedious after a while. The game is long, the graphics are beautiful, and there are CGI hooters, but the reviews it got at release are not promising.

Which game did Jack choose? Why does he mock Abe Vigoda’s horrors? Where did the button on my pants go? Find out next time, humble reader, same blog time, same blog internets.