Holy crap, that was the most fun I’ve had getting drunk and humping a girl dressed as a sexy penguin this week.

ORLANDO, JUMP AWN IT, JUMP AWN IT, JUMP AWN IT!

That’s as Sir Mix-A-Lot as I get.

I come from four hours of partying, as apparently there was a "Super Bowl" today. Something about bears and horses fighting so we drink beers and drunk drive home. While enjoying the bosoms of a Julie Andrews impersonator pummeling me into a light coma, it was brought to my attention that Jess Fink is a great artist. I was also reconnected to my love Fantastic Plastic Machine and Bruce Haack.

Who is Bruce Haack? What is a Fantastic Plastic Machine? I tell you now!

Bruce Haack is a man who composed a series of poems and songs that are thought to have given birth to synth pop and modern techno. He is most notable for several appearances on Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, along with his partner, Esther Nelson. While Bruce used several home made devices to give himself a sort of robotic twang in his music, Esther’s voice was crazy all by itself. The cadence of his performance makes you feel like you’re tumbling down a hill with him. He often rhymed words with the same word over and over again, and spoke on drum beats so you would have no choice but to go along with whatever he said.

I’m Ms. Nelson, how are you?
I’m here to sing and dance with you!
My name is Bruce, I’m feeling great,
You can join the party, have some birthday cake!
So if you want to know what to do,
And if you want to join us, too
Your mom says that a thing to do
IS DANCING! Children, clap your hands!

Bruce was a social shut in due to being abused as a child, and lived a hard life of alcoholism and depression. Like all of my heroes, except for William Shatner, Bruce died before he got too old to be cool, clocking in at around 57 in 1988 due to heart failure.

Fantastic Plastic Machine is actually the pseudonym of a rotund Japanese man who remixed some samples of Bruce’s music and took part in a documentary about it. If you want to hear the spirit of all of Bruce’s work in his less than sixty years on this Earth, that’s the only song you need to hear. FPM’s other music sounds like it was contemporary in the early 60s, which makes it fun for white people to move to. Oh, hey, there’s a penguin at my door…