I can’t believe I found it. This first one is just her face, but, wow. This the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe this beauty hasn’t done Playboy – yet.

I’m glad she lost all that bulky flesh. It is a vast improvement over her former meat shell, although I approve of her sexual liberation and experimental tendencies.

Now, admittedly, I don’t know that one of these two is Laura Eldred, but I don’t know that it is not her, either. I also don’t know that Laura Eldred writes Janeway/7 slash fiction in her spare time, but I haven’t seen any evidence to the contrary. Coincidence?

You know, if I can take a moment to be serious, I have something to say. While this post so far is only a slight, nudging, friendly dig at the dear and much loved Mrs. Eldred, and surely she will know that, I really should clarify something.

So, switching gears in t-minus now.

I’ve come down hard on fat women in my writing recently, and I feel pretty emotional about it. Its only because I hate fat people. I will never physically reach into two folds of blubber to get at some sweatball’s greasy poon ever again. Three is my limit. No fatties no more forever. Fat women: lose some weight.

Shit. This was supposed to be an apology (for, like, two seconds). But blogs are paramount to displaying raw emotion and unbridled internet rage. So strap on your tube belt and prepare for me to be unleashing the dragon all over tubby bitches.

If I see one more Cuban girl wearing something that creates the muffin top effect, I’m doing the lypo with a scalpal, some duct tape and a straw in the middle of the flea market. You know, sometimes I go to the computer, load up some X-Men themed hentai, and then I can’t do anything because I’m thinking about the extremely noticeable sweat stains that highlight fat women’s taints when they wear brightly colored clothing. A fat woman once told me that I was racist for not dating fat women. The old mathematical formula of Fat^2 = Stupid was in full effect that day. And these little fat empowerment slogans? What the Hell? "Fat women are beautiful" just sounds like something a fat woman would say to me. This philosophy of "go eat a cupcake if you don’t feel loved" doesn’t make sense to me, either. I got news for you, sisters: Chocolate covered bananas don’t count, and yes, that means that the Snapple lady is technically a virgin.

I’d expand, but you’ll have to excuse me. Marina Sirtis is on TV and she’s wearing the season one uniform. I mean, I have something I need to do, fatsos, so eat me! I mean, DON’T EAT ME!

…

Yeah, okay, Fiona Apple probably should eat me.