"I fathered Anna Nicole Smith’s baby."
"Before you start the car, buckle your seatbelt and adjust your diaper."
"I’M COLD!"
"Thanks, Greta."
"GET DOWN! Oh, its a lite brite. GET DOWN!"
"It’s legal to access porn in libraries. I’m going to a library."
"Hey, did you see American Idol last night? I did not."
"Giulianahmadinejongilintonobamamccainomania!"
"Wanna share a Snickers, dude?"
"I have to go home and let my roomba out of the closet before it freaks out tries to hang itself."
"If I don’t make it through Hannibal Rising, you guys can eat my body."
I haven't had material enough to update ye ol e-diary very consistently, or at least…
Good thing we have all those strict zero tolerance gun laws on college campuses, or…
I've listened to this five times, and I crack up every single time. At least…
If you're playing a game, and you're progressing through every level without wondering what to…
"I live by two rules. One, never kill someone without a reason. Two, I can…
Gather around those of you who would listen; I have a tale to tell. I…