I hate E.T.

[ Mood: Scared ]
I don’t trust that little bastard. If he has magical powers capable of making a legion of children fly through the air, then why was he waddling his little punk ass towards the spaceship in the beginning of the movie? Did the product placement chocolate give him the ability to bend reality to his every whim? What was his every whim? Because he made it pretty obvious that there wasn’t a whole lot keeping him here.

Suspiiiiicious…

And holy crap, if he could make an interplanetary relay dish from a speak’n’spell, a coat hanger and a can of diet Sprite in 1982, he could have nuked every nation on Earth if he got his glowy gimp hands on a copy of Windows 98 and a 56k connection to AOL. Every argument about political parties, religions, border lines, sports teams, and whether the term "beastiality" or "interspecies erotica" is more politically correct, settled in an instant when E.T. the Extra pissed off that we sent the feds after him Terrestrial goes Matthew Broderick on the Chinese rapid defense system. The second the FBI found him, they should’ve shoved a walkie talkie three feet down his throat, and pulled the trigger to decapitate him.

"I could have been a national hero."

Why? Because he was only here to observe us for the invasion. Who the Hell thought he was going to stop at collecting tree saplings? Next, he and his buddies would’ve been dropping flayed cows from a mile up, then introduce emo music to America to weaken our military, and cap it all off by randomly abducting live human fetuses. Put a little grease paint on that fugly muppet and he’d be the clown from It.

"Hey, hey, kids! Ahhuhhuhyuck, which one of you wants to touch my glowing finger?"

All I’m saying is, if you’re so evil that you inspire the worst video game of all time… er, one that fills up an entire Mexican landfill with copies that won’t sell, its time for you to go into the hole, too. You know what Hell will be like for me? The E.T. ride at Universal.

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