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Mood: Happy ]
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Currently: Working …not! ]
Crackdown
The cover art on the box, the screen shots, and the developers had me believing that Crackdown would be yet another super violent cop-killing game wherein the protagonist would be a mouthy african american youth with a hankering to smack some ho’s shortly after tapping their asses. Now, not to get off on a tangent about violence in video games, because I hate cops just as much as the next man, but after games like 25 to Life, Fiddy Cent: The Videogame, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, and Saint’s Row, I’m kind of sick of hearing the word "nigger" once a minute. Its just offensive to my virgin ears, and cheesy to my blaxploitation fan ears. Richard Pryor would not approve.
So I downloaded the newly released demo of Crackdown, rolled my eyes, and braced myself for a mindless run and gun with the words "shit," "fucked," "ass," "nigger," "nigga," "motherfucking," and "shitcock" interjected randomly and liberally into the gameplay. Maybe they’d even be combined into fun sentences like, "I’m gonna gat yo nigga ass like I fucked yo motherfucking nigger mama up the ass with my shitcock." Did Crackdown sucked as badly as I worried?
Fortunately, no! It turns out that the game’s protagonist is a *very* silent product of genetic manipulation that can be easily and efficiently cloned. You start off as a slightly stronger, faster and uglier human being and slowly work your way up to hulking superhero. Your character physically transforms based on what actions you take as you progress in your mission. If you do a lot of running and jumping, he becomes sleek and slender. If you do a lot of melee attacks and pick up heavy things and throw them at people, your character becomes the friggin Hulk. There are also upgrades for driving and shooting, but I haven’t noticed if that changes anything with the character model. Its also nice that you have a number of choices for your character’s face, as I hate the default selection (above).
The violence is over the top, but its a lot of fun. Everything about the game has a very comic book feel that doesn’t come through in the screen shots. Lots of cell shaded textures and tall buildings – the city is like a DC version of LA. That means a lot of traffic congestion in what is supposed to be an open world game, but once you get a few speed augmentations, its a lot of fun to hop thirty yards from block to block while raining bullets down on top of your enemies.
The storyline seems pretty generic, but unlike with Lost Cause, it doesn’t get in the way of enjoying the game. There’s no crappy voice acting or cheesy lines because there’s barely any voice acting at all. You’re told your mission is to blow the crap out of the city and then you’re sent on your way. This just might be a buy, especially if I can get one of the limited edition boxes that lets folks in on the Halo 3 beta.
Star Trek Legacy
I read on trektoday.com that a lot of the story had gotten cut from the game due to budget constraints, including a lot of voice work by Avery Brooks. This is incredibly unfortunate, as the game would’ve been even better if they’d been in it more.
After I got past the Enterprise era stages and banished Captain Archer back to the pit of Braga’s despair where he belongs, I heard an unmistakable voice. Captain James Tiberius Kirk. I have to admit, I’m such a geek, I cried a little inside, even though I’ve seen Shatner left and right in other shows on primetime TV ever since his career got off the ground again on Boston Legal. I really missed the character – all the bravado and deep drama. His missions take up a significant portion of the game, and commanding both the 1701 and the 1701-A was a thrill.
What was not so much a thrill is how frustratingly incompetent the friendly A.I. is. They don’t know what to do unless you gently guide them by the hand every step of the way. The combat is also slow and clunky, as it should be. I was really surprised to find that the Intrepid Class (Voyager) starship controlled very nimbly, and could do circles around larger capital ships, like the Sovereign (Enterprise-E). My geek knowledge expanded. The save system also sucks – if you die at the end of a twenty minute mission, you have to relive the last twenty minutes of your life all over again. Not fun.
The storyline can only be pieced together if you come into it already with a significant depth of Star Trek knowledge. So, I’m going to spoil it in case you don’t care. Basically, a rogue Vulcan uses her background in disease theory to attempt to infect the universe with a kind of logic virus, that would eliminate all emotions and make all sentient species more Vulcan-like. When this fails, she attempts to take over as Borg Queen, being personally infected by Locutus, Captain Picard. Its up to Captains Archer, Kirk, Picard, Janeway, and whatever rank Sisko is, to head her off through time. Archer stirs up the bees nest, Kirk kicks her ass, and Picard finishes the job.
I recommend this game for Trekkies only. Trekkers need not apply.
Viva Pinata
Much like Slurm, it’s highly addictive. Raising and developing species of pinatas is an epic task that is ultimately fun. Its especially fun if, like me, you have to skip a few meals in order to be able to afford a new videogame console, and suddenly you can purchase thousands of dollars in merchandise with a successful ranching business.
The AI is not intelligent, it is purposefully difficult. Animals deliberately disobey you to encourage you to punish them by whacking them with a shovel. Fights will break out, animals will die, and the circle of life is blatant in every interaction. Flies crap if you feed them, the animals have to have sex via a maze mini-game in order to procreate, and every once in a while, some asshole will come over and kill something at random. This is a great game to teach children the harsh realities of life and the benefits of spending money like a…
And that’s how, as they say in the stand up comedy business, we come full circle.