[  Mood: Sick ]
[ Currently: in ur base kiling ur mans ]
William "Tiberius" Shatner. Patrick "I’ve Seen Everything" Stewart. Kate "Tracheaotomy" Mulgrew. Benjamin Sisko. Quantum Leapman. Should their powers combine, geek society should implode in a series of girlish squeals and waves of joy should wash across humanity like the moon would create waves of death and destruction if it ever forgot what it was doing for a minute. Yes? Almost.

Too soon?

I did scream like a girl when I got the game. But the joy part, that’s, eh… Harder to come by. The game progresses chronologically, with the Captain that Bleeds kicking off a vague, two hundred year catastrophe that he could’ve easily prevented, but didn’t, which is exactly how the Enterprise writers would have handled things in seasons one through two. I assume that Captain Kirk will be kicking this problem’s ass into the next generation, and then I can pretend to give a damn about the friggin’ Voyager until Ben Sisko shows up and slaps Q, in a no-love kind of way, until the problem is solved. However, the shitty save function is not allowing me to progress past Captain McDidn’tBangT’Pol "we’re still worried about transporter technology, anyeuh" crapfest.

I’d give her "cunning" score at least a 9. She’s been in Maxim.

And the soundtrack is deceptive. Combat is lumbering, slow and boring. This is not Wolf 359, this is more like, "We ran over budget on Species 8472 effects again and have to use stock footage of the Voyager passing a blue moon." The dramatic music, however, makes you think you’re in an X-Wing, beating the crap out of the Death Star. Not so! The NX-01 steers like a friggin space cow. I’m also not impressed with its fire power. You really need to be in four places at once to be able to handle those pesky Romulan bastards, and given, it helps that you can take command of up to four ships at once. Problem here is: The controls to keep all four of your ships in line are kinda something you have to guess at and check on. The Coto (teehee) will stand dead in the middle of space and observe a vessel full of doctors on a mission of mercy gets pulverized by disruptors, probably while the crew is synthesizing popcorn and simuhol to prepare for the big explosion that sends me reeling back to the start of a twenty-two minute mission.

Traitors.

This game, much like the past decade and a half for the entire Star Trek franchise, punishes the fans for their loyalty. Thank God that I rented this pile, so I wouldn’t be tempted to sodomize the hole in the DVD out of spite. Maybe I’ll do that, anyway! That ought to teach the next person not to rent games over the internet.

There’s a burning crusade in my pants.

Oh, yeah. I found out how to cure neck pain.