{"id":7,"date":"2009-06-30T04:36:25","date_gmt":"2009-06-30T04:36:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/cinemadestructo\/2009\/06\/30\/cinemadestructo-platoon-of-the-dead\/"},"modified":"2009-06-30T04:36:25","modified_gmt":"2009-06-30T04:36:25","slug":"cinemadestructo-platoon-of-the-dead","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/cinemadestructo\/2009\/06\/30\/cinemadestructo-platoon-of-the-dead\/","title":{"rendered":"CinemaDestructo : Platoon of the Dead"},"content":{"rendered":"

[<\/strong> \"Sick\" Mood:<\/strong> Sick ]<\/strong>
Tonight’s Pain – Platoon of the Dead (2009)<\/a>.<\/p>\n

———————-<\/p>\n

\nkaosdevice (00:00:07 PM): Yes, it is 2009’s ‘Platoon of the Dead’ by John Bowker! Nope we got no idea who he is either! But you might know him from several other awful films such as the Evilmaker (1 and 2) and Twisted Illusions 2. Yeah we never saw those movies either. Anyway here…we…go…
\nGlass Spider (00:00:10 PM): With your hosts, Chicken and Tater. No, wait that’s dinner…
\nGlass Spider (00:00:37 PM): And again, we begin by reeeeaading.
\nkaosdevice (00:00:37 PM): the threat of a suck movie….
\nkaosdevice (00:00:58 PM): faux military music is a go sir!
\nGlass Spider (00:01:13 PM): Good thing we’re literate. Or maybe not so good… We’ll see.
\nkaosdevice (00:01:30 PM): oh lord, asthma cam again.
\nkaosdevice (00:01:50 PM): shot in SpazOVision!
\nGlass Spider (00:02:36 PM): I repeat what I said when I saw the trailer — This makes Canadian TV look like Oscar-worthy cinematography.
\nkaosdevice (00:02:42 PM): He suffers from treelimbthroughthechestovitus.
\nGlass Spider (00:03:10 PM): Oh, teeeeeeerrible effects.
\nGlass Spider (00:03:18 PM): Okay, that wasn’t unfunny.
\nGlass Spider (00:03:51 PM): I’ve seen better fake unicorn horns.
\nkaosdevice (00:03:56 PM): oh man this one is really going to leave a mark…on us.
\nkaosdevice (00:04:33 PM): he’s got a laser gun? This is laser tag gone all wrong.
\nGlass Spider (00:04:34 PM): Score straight out of old Twilight Zone episodes.
\nkaosdevice (00:05:06 PM): So this is in the slightly stupid future?
\nGlass Spider (00:05:17 PM): Upnose-cam in 3… 2… 1…
\nkaosdevice (00:05:22 PM): Wait, very stupid future.
\nGlass Spider (00:05:55 PM): Seriously, are old TV scores public domain, now?
\nGlass Spider (00:06:22 PM): This is so lame its hypnotic.
\nkaosdevice (00:06:29 PM): this movie is a concussion weapon.
\nkaosdevice (00:06:54 PM): so the platoon is Aerosmith?
\nGlass Spider (00:07:40 PM): I’m without words for how lame this is.
\nkaosdevice (00:07:57 PM): this guy is all about the ‘or worse’ scenario.
\nGlass Spider (00:08:07 PM): These actors were kicked out of community theatre.
\nkaosdevice (00:08:29 PM): This dialogue is porn movie-worthy
\nkaosdevice (00:08:52 PM): "have you seen my…big gun?"
\nGlass Spider (00:09:12 PM): These actors are waaaayyy to good for porn.
\nGlass Spider (00:09:55 PM): So, he’s holding his laser carbine like it’s a long rifle — where’d this guy train, the Salvation Army?
\nkaosdevice (00:10:14 PM): I don’t know if I can make it through this movie Sarge!
\nGlass Spider (00:10:40 PM): We don’t leave a man behind!
\nkaosdevice (00:10:50 PM): Someone was eating a large bowl of cornflakes.
\nkaosdevice (00:11:13 PM): ominous fiiiiiiiiish!
\nkaosdevice (00:11:44 PM): ok, drink when someone says something obvious to the viewer.
\nGlass Spider (00:11:59 PM): This is deadly — the music is like every Zone ep I’ve ever seen, but the movie couldn’t scare Cindy Brady!
\nkaosdevice (00:12:41 PM): it is like the soundtrack is a character.
\nGlass Spider (00:13:05 PM): And it’s a better actor.
\nkaosdevice (00:13:13 PM): true, true
\nGlass Spider (00:13:23 PM): Product placement!
\nkaosdevice (00:13:32 PM): drink
\nGlass Spider (00:14:07 PM): I can’t answer you, can’t you see I’m listening to my beret?
\nkaosdevice (00:14:39 PM): leveled to the ground, isn’t leveled enough?
\nGlass Spider (00:15:08 PM): Wow, beret-Guy wouldn’t even cut his hair for this role — it’s poking out from under his beanie!
\nkaosdevice (00:15:13 PM): She? Ma’am? That is so a dude in a wig
\nGlass Spider (00:15:39 PM): The zombies are pretty.
\nkaosdevice (00:15:41 PM): pew pew pew pew
\nkaosdevice (00:16:08 PM): they couldn’t afford fake ammo for this film. Nice.
\nGlass Spider (00:16:41 PM): So they decided not to even waste money on squibs.
\nkaosdevice (00:17:01 PM): well, they could edit in..pew pew pew pew
\nGlass Spider (00:17:14 PM): It’s like G.I. Joe made a zombie home movie.
\nkaosdevice (00:17:49 PM): Nice pornstache
\nGlass Spider (00:18:07 PM): "Disarray." It pays to increase your word power.
\nGlass Spider (00:18:18 PM): Drink!
\nkaosdevice (00:18:21 PM): This is a rerun of the Z Team.
\nGlass Spider (00:18:21 PM): Drink!
\nkaosdevice (00:19:17 PM): ‘sir’ looks like a goth girl with a pornstache.
\nkaosdevice (00:20:12 PM): Valley of the Drabs
\nGlass Spider (00:20:38 PM): Dang, lookit the mane on that guy.
\nGlass Spider (00:20:55 PM): Oh, so they’re lesbians.
\nGlass Spider (00:21:00 PM): Of course.
\nkaosdevice (00:21:39 PM): The SciFi (excuse me SyFy) channel would refuse this movie.
\nGlass Spider (00:22:01 PM): Three boys, three girls — did someone say "Spin the Bottle"?
\nkaosdevice (00:22:17 PM): and we have cleavage!
\nGlass Spider (00:22:24 PM): Jill’s the chatty one.
\nGlass Spider (00:23:17 PM): Okay, "Heather"’s rack is waaayyy too freckly to have hair that black.
\nGlass Spider (00:23:44 PM): She’s like a homely Jennifer Tilly.
\nkaosdevice (00:23:51 PM): Sgt. Gothgirl can I talk to you?
\nGlass Spider (00:24:38 PM): Before the war he was Major Grungepants.
\nkaosdevice (00:24:54 PM): Except, I don’t like women Cptn Pornstache!
\nGlass Spider (00:24:57 PM): But it was an honorific title.
\nkaosdevice (00:25:12 PM): He does!
\nGlass Spider (00:25:28 PM): Cannibal pot roast!
\nkaosdevice (00:25:35 PM): And they have eyeliner I need!
\nGlass Spider (00:26:06 PM): Till you see the whites of their eyes! Damn!
\nkaosdevice (00:26:13 PM): The signal is chimmichanga.
\nGlass Spider (00:26:17 PM): Drink!
\nkaosdevice (00:26:35 PM): because you are filthy
\nGlass Spider (00:26:48 PM): Stocky Jennifer Tilly is bossy.
\nkaosdevice (00:26:57 PM): or I will give you some of the pew pew
\nGlass Spider (00:27:08 PM): It’s a magic shower curtain!!!
\nkaosdevice (00:27:37 PM): wow, could they telegraph that trapdoor in the floor more?
\nGlass Spider (00:27:56 PM): Nothing up my sleeve, and… Presto!
\nGlass Spider (00:28:54 PM): Headless housebreaker is spooky. Don’t make a sound!
\nkaosdevice (00:29:00 PM): evidentially they found a house from the late 1970’s to hide in.
\nGlass Spider (00:29:35 PM): These Army dudes have incredibly clean fatigues.
\nGlass Spider (00:29:57 PM): Ladies and gentlemen, miss Elsa Lanchester!
\nGlass Spider (00:30:22 PM): I wish he’d put the beret back on.
\nkaosdevice (00:30:47 PM): I want to push this movie down a flight of concrete stairs.
\nGlass Spider (00:31:12 PM): No wonder it didn’t drop him, you used the cap pistol!
\nGlass Spider (00:31:22 PM): Pew-pew-pew!
\nGlass Spider (00:31:51 PM): Sell it, lady-hater!
\nkaosdevice (00:32:15 PM): If stilted dialogue was a drug this movie would sell it by the gram.
\nGlass Spider (00:32:24 PM): He’s playing Army Man! And later he’s gonna be a cowboy!
\nkaosdevice (00:32:51 PM): then an astronaut-fireman!
\nGlass Spider (00:33:09 PM): Did they call the prop department for all those dry leaves?
\nkaosdevice (00:33:34 PM): but it is delicious!
\nGlass Spider (00:33:43 PM): Say your thanks to Peter Jackson for that one.
\nGlass Spider (00:34:04 PM): Suuuuuuuu…..
\nkaosdevice (00:34:13 PM): are you sure I should leave my pew-Pew-atron 5000?
\nGlass Spider (00:34:15 PM): …..speeeennnse.
\nGlass Spider (00:34:57 PM): Aw, shucks, ma’am.
\nkaosdevice (00:35:01 PM): gonna take a wee, will probobly be more interesting that the current scene.
\nGlass Spider (00:35:17 PM): Oooo, scary tree.
\nGlass Spider (00:35:40 PM): Pewaaaaahhhhhmmmm. The sound of a laser carbine dying.
\nGlass Spider (00:36:23 PM): Wow, this guy even talks to himself in really bad dialogue.
\nkaosdevice (00:36:26 PM): I feel the same way
\nkaosdevice (00:36:43 PM): or made you watch this movie.
\nGlass Spider (00:36:53 PM): Drink!
\nGlass Spider (00:37:20 PM): Lotta pukin’ in this movie.
\nkaosdevice (00:37:29 PM): made you watch a RBM, what’s an RBM? Really Bad Movie…like this one.
\nGlass Spider (00:37:38 PM): Hope they have Scope in the future.
\nkaosdevice (00:38:07 PM): it’s raaaaiiiinnng laaaameee!
\nGlass Spider (00:38:08 PM): And, cue the hose.
\nGlass Spider (00:38:11 PM): Drink!
\nGlass Spider (00:38:46 PM): "We humans will never win?"
\nGlass Spider (00:38:52 PM): Wow.
\nGlass Spider (00:39:12 PM): More puking?
\nkaosdevice (00:39:30 PM): a lot of puking in the last few CD outings.
\nGlass Spider (00:39:34 PM): Turn off the hose!
\nkaosdevice (00:39:57 PM): less pew-pew
\nGlass Spider (00:40:37 PM): Lt Heroic Jaw is the worst actor I’ve ever seen.
\nkaosdevice (00:40:53 PM): YUP
\nGlass Spider (00:41:04 PM): I take it back, *she’s* worse.
\nGlass Spider (00:41:18 PM): "If you know what I mean…"
\nkaosdevice (00:41:43 PM): the lameness is sucking out MY will to live.
\nGlass Spider (00:42:01 PM): Polite of that corpse to keep its feet together while being dragged.
\nkaosdevice (00:42:14 PM): it is Dexter for the low rent set.
\nGlass Spider (00:42:21 PM): Fire up the SKIL saw!
\nGlass Spider (00:42:33 PM): It’s BatChest!
\nkaosdevice (00:42:44 PM): foooor the ladies
\nGlass Spider (00:43:20 PM): Call the Commissioner; tell him to activate the Chest Hair Signal!
\nkaosdevice (00:43:31 PM): aw a clumsy attempt at romantic interest.
\nkaosdevice (00:43:54 PM): and the middle, he is kind of rough and sucky everywhere really
\nGlass Spider (00:44:09 PM): And easy to tell who’s the catcher, and who’s the pitcher.
\nkaosdevice (00:44:48 PM): its always ouija boards for kicks. Imagine if someone used it for serious!
\nGlass Spider (00:44:56 PM): "Kids playing around with the supernatural"? Really.
\nGlass Spider (00:45:01 PM): Really, Movie?
\nkaosdevice (00:45:30 PM): hey, it is a lame Evil Dead flashback.
\nGlass Spider (00:45:35 PM): He likes ’em large.
\nGlass Spider (00:45:58 PM): "NNnnoooooOOOO!"
\nGlass Spider (00:46:40 PM): We need our mute friend to get laid by a nice dumb boy.
\nkaosdevice (00:47:07 PM): I can’t, I can’t hold on much longer Spidey.
\nGlass Spider (00:47:14 PM): Wow, this sucks right out loud.
\nGlass Spider (00:47:32 PM): I think I want chicken.
\nkaosdevice (00:47:40 PM): I can see some skulls I’d like to crack.
\nGlass Spider (00:47:51 PM): OMFG — this couldn’t be worse.
\nGlass Spider (00:49:01 PM): "Here I am covered in zombie goop, and you’re lookin’ kinda horny… Wanna get it on?
\nGlass Spider (00:49:05 PM): "
\nkaosdevice (00:49:19 PM): d e a r g o d m a k e t h i s t o p
\nGlass Spider (00:49:55 PM): I can’t. I just observe and report.
\nGlass Spider (00:50:22 PM): Mmmmm, Gummi-intestines! Kids love ’em.
\nkaosdevice (00:50:26 PM): how can someone loook sort of bored as their guts are ripped out?
\nGlass Spider (00:50:49 PM): Oooo, I git the sphincter!
\nGlass Spider (00:50:53 PM): Awww, lucky!
\nGlass Spider (00:51:50 PM): Come on, Mute-girl! Kick him in the balls!
\nGlass Spider (00:52:19 PM): Internal struggle. The lifeblood of any lock-in movie.
\nGlass Spider (00:52:58 PM): Unfortunately, this one has no heartbeat. It’s a zombie zombie movie.
\nGlass Spider (00:53:25 PM): That guy is a problem and should be eliminated.
\nGlass Spider (00:54:26 PM): Dude, I can’t cover this alone.
\nGlass Spider (00:54:34 PM): Iiiiiit huuuurtssss!
\nkaosdevice (00:55:13 PM): sorry, was whomping up the food. I was weak.
\nGlass Spider (00:55:38 PM): Seriously, I’ve seen Dead Alive, and Bad Taste, and Meet the Feebles. This is worserer.
\nkaosdevice (00:56:10 PM): what?
\nGlass Spider (00:56:21 PM): Hey, maybe the zombie plague was started by a Sumatran Rat Monkey.
\nkaosdevice (00:56:55 PM): this has gone from stupid to lost in the woods of completely metally debilitated.
\nGlass Spider (00:57:16 PM): Okay, now we’ve progressed to 90’s Outer Limits music.
\nGlass Spider (00:57:30 PM): The dirctor must have had a CD.
\nkaosdevice (00:57:32 PM): and special effects!
\nkaosdevice (00:57:46 PM): and filmmaking!
\nGlass Spider (00:58:10 PM): Awww, he’s having a bad dream. Quick, check his penis.
\nGlass Spider (00:58:37 PM): At least all these girls have really big boobs.
\nkaosdevice (00:58:55 PM): yeah, they recruited some good strippers
\nGlass Spider (00:59:45 PM): They’ve just crossed over into… the Dumbshit Zone.
\nGlass Spider (01:00:45 PM): Do we have to watch the whole thing?
\nkaosdevice (01:00:48 PM): couldn’t get her out in time to get out of this movie.
\nkaosdevice (01:01:33 PM): Oh it is BSG?
\nGlass Spider (01:01:33 PM): She’s a Cylon?
\nkaosdevice (01:02:41 PM): How much longer is this monstrosity? Seriously?
\nGlass Spider (01:02:45 PM): Give this one to Patton Oswalt; it can’t be as bad as Death Bed: the Bed That Eats People.
\nGlass Spider (01:03:24 PM): Can we do another 20 minutes of this sewage?
\nGlass Spider (01:03:48 PM): Jaw boy sure talks to himself an awful lot.
\nGlass Spider (01:04:37 PM): Mmmm, corpses made of chicken skin and butterscotch pudding.
\nkaosdevice (01:04:56 PM): Ugh, can we just call one and move on? Does that break our covenant with the people?
\nGlass Spider (01:05:03 PM): Oh, they started the CD over.
\nGlass Spider (01:05:27 PM): I dunno. It’s reeeally bad.
\nGlass Spider (01:05:56 PM): It’s Darth Douchebag! Ruuuunnn!
\nkaosdevice (01:06:04 PM): are we seeing every lunkhead stereotype and clich\u00e9 phrase at one time?
\nGlass Spider (01:06:59 PM): Uuugh. This is so terrible.
\nkaosdevice (01:07:06 PM): no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
\nGlass Spider (01:07:36 PM): Yes, we want you all awake for the big reveal.
\nkaosdevice (01:07:43 PM): I hate to say it but I am white flagging it, this movie won.
\nkaosdevice (01:08:01 PM): let’s kill this thing please?
\nGlass Spider (01:08:11 PM): That’s it? Just walk away? After all we’ve been through together?
\nGlass Spider (01:08:31 PM): Are you getting to old for this shit?
\nkaosdevice (01:08:52 PM): I need a beer.
\nGlass Spider (01:09:01 PM): **too
\nGlass Spider (01:09:15 PM): MORE puking?
\nGlass Spider (01:10:11 PM): It’s not scary enough to be scary, not gross enough to be gross, no nudity, no effects.
\nGlass Spider (01:10:21 PM): It’s shite inside and out.
\nkaosdevice (01:10:47 PM): I’ve seen a few worse movies, but the emphasis is on few.
\nGlass Spider (01:11:05 PM): I’m having a hard time thinking of any.
\nkaosdevice (01:11:06 PM): You tell ’em Sgt Gothchick!
\nGlass Spider (01:11:35 PM): That was quick.
\nkaosdevice (01:12:07 PM): Show him some karosyrup bratwurst!
\nkaosdevice (01:12:33 PM): she runs like a girl.
\nGlass Spider (01:12:44 PM): Pluck out his eye, then make him your supersoldier? Way to plan ahead.
\nGlass Spider (01:13:16 PM): Gas masks must be cheaper than zombie goop.
\nkaosdevice (01:13:25 PM): they can’t pay for blanks, judging by the area there are gun shows there all the time. The pew-pew is getting old.
\nkaosdevice (01:13:59 PM): Dear Movie, Please, Please die. Sincerely, Me.
\nGlass Spider (01:14:34 PM): So they’re immune to bullets, but a good ole tree branch gives ’em what-for?
\nGlass Spider (01:14:44 PM): That’s it. I give.
\nGlass Spider (01:14:49 PM): Uncle.
\nkaosdevice (01:14:54 PM): He just walked through a door in the original Doom game judging by that sound effect.
\nkaosdevice (01:15:13 PM): NNNNNoooooooooooooo!!!!
\nkaosdevice (01:15:19 PM): Pew pew pew pew pew
\nGlass Spider (01:15:28 PM): This guy saw Predator too many times.
\nkaosdevice (01:15:51 PM): get to de bettah moofeee!!!!
\nGlass Spider (01:15:52 PM): I don’t care what happens to any of these people.
\nGlass Spider (01:16:45 PM): Yay, red-puking. That’s new.
\nGlass Spider (01:17:51 PM): I can’t do it. Five minutes left, and I can’t.
\nkaosdevice (01:18:00 PM): would you please just end movie? I tried to give up already.
\nGlass Spider (01:18:28 PM): It takes no surrender.
\nGlass Spider (01:18:50 PM): And it’s the wrong gun.
\nGlass Spider (01:19:04 PM): And the wrong movie.
\nkaosdevice (01:19:21 PM): BLEH
\nGlass Spider (01:20:22 PM): I can’t believe anyone admitted to being involved with this piece of dreck.
\nkaosdevice (01:20:32 PM): I will find this movie in a dark alley some night and poke its’ eyes out with a filthy needle for having made me watch it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[  Mood: Sick ]Tonight’s Pain – Platoon of the Dead (2009). ———————- kaosdevice (00:00:07 PM): Yes, it is 2009’s ‘Platoon of the Dead’ by John Bowker! Nope we got no idea who he is either! But you might know him from … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\t\n\t\n\t\n