{"id":31,"date":"2009-03-30T03:08:46","date_gmt":"2009-03-30T03:08:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/cinemadestructo\/2009\/03\/30\/slaughter\/"},"modified":"2009-03-30T03:08:46","modified_gmt":"2009-03-30T03:08:46","slug":"slaughter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/cinemadestructo\/2009\/03\/30\/slaughter\/","title":{"rendered":"‘Slaughter’"},"content":{"rendered":"

[<\/strong> \"Sick\" Mood:<\/strong> Sick ]<\/strong>
Wherein the CD team watches ‘Slaughter’. Ugh.<\/p>\n

———————————————<\/p>\n

kaosdevice (8:30:24 PM): ‘Slaughter’ 2009-written and directed by some guy you don’t know and starring a whole cast of people you don’t and will never care about. The agony (ours anyway) staaaaaaaaarts, now.
\nkaosdevice (8:31:02 PM): Hey it’s LOST!
\nGlassSpider (8:31:33 PM): Watch; bet this song ends up being the best thing about it.
\nGlassSpider (8:32:21 PM): And not a single name I recognize…
\nkaosdevice (8:32:21 PM): Is that Alvin &amp; the Chipmunks?
\nGlassSpider (8:33:04 PM): My head hurts already.
\nkaosdevice (8:34:00 PM): This would be menacing if they figured out how to focus their damn cameras.
\nGlassSpider (8:34:38 PM): Of course it’s a true story. Why wouldn’t it be?
\nkaosdevice (8:35:24 PM): It’s based on true events. In that people do things, and say things to one another when things are going on. And are mamals
\nGlassSpider (8:35:35 PM): Yup, music’s shrill and lame.
\nGlassSpider (8:36:27 PM): Oooooh, and uneven.
\nkaosdevice (8:36:52 PM): Hey it’s a club with the Faux-Bauhaus! Soon to be followed by Faux-Siouxie &amp; the Banshees!
\nGlassSpider (8:37:00 PM): Underage drinking. These ho’s are dead.
\nkaosdevice (8:38:01 PM): I think she is trying to say that other girl should have called and sucks? I dunno, this sort of complex dialogue is so hard to unravel.
\nGlassSpider (8:38:29 PM): Foreshadowing, of course.
\nGlassSpider (8:38:46 PM): Weird interests — like sex with a horse?
\nGlassSpider (8:39:23 PM): Lola… does that mean she’s a boy?
\nkaosdevice (8:39:45 PM): Sheesh could the volume be more all over the place on this, I’ve seen infomercials that had more subtle audio cues.
\nGlassSpider (8:40:05 PM): With that forehead, no way she’s young enough to need fake I.D.
\nkaosdevice (8:40:21 PM): female pattern baldness, always a shame.
\nkaosdevice (8:40:52 PM): sweet now we get faux-Bob Dylan.
\nGlassSpider (8:41:29 PM): Yay! A stalker-ex!
\nkaosdevice (8:41:47 PM): what a plot twist!
\nGlassSpider (8:41:58 PM): Call M. Night!
\nkaosdevice (8:42:53 PM): evidentally as soon as you leave New York everyone has a southern accent.
\nGlassSpider (8:43:08 PM): Okay, I’m a city-girl… but what the hell is on that horse’e head?
\nGlassSpider (8:43:38 PM): "Mmmmm, girls…"
\nkaosdevice (8:44:16 PM): squeel like a pig for me boy!
\nGlassSpider (8:44:16 PM): Nice sound-edit.
\nGlassSpider (8:45:02 PM): Farm-Girl’s accent is slipping… She must walk into a lotta doors.
\nkaosdevice (8:45:33 PM): Who knew Albany was south of the Mason-Dixon?
\nGlassSpider (8:45:44 PM): That’s one skinny, swaybacked nag.
\nkaosdevice (8:45:53 PM): Who the actress?
\nGlassSpider (8:46:01 PM): Ha-ha!
\nGlassSpider (8:46:33 PM): Girl love? What the heck, man?
\nkaosdevice (8:46:52 PM): Ah just a couple of crazy kids hanging out in their underthings.
\nGlassSpider (8:47:14 PM): Wait, are we in Japan, now?
\nkaosdevice (8:47:43 PM): That would make about as much sense as anything else we’ve seen.
\nGlassSpider (8:47:49 PM): Maybe she’s a flight attendant.
\nGlassSpider (8:48:32 PM): Pizza man! Dunt-dunt-dahhhhhh!!!
\nkaosdevice (8:48:44 PM): What’s next? Landshark?
\nGlassSpider (8:48:51 PM): Unicef.
\nGlassSpider (8:48:59 PM): Candygram.
\nkaosdevice (8:49:44 PM): I’m going to flee my stalker ex by going out into the country and shoveling manure!
\nGlassSpider (8:49:48 PM): I’m sure she’s got plenty of culture of her own.
\nGlassSpider (8:50:06 PM): Think petri dish.
\nkaosdevice (8:50:24 PM): anti-biotics.
\nGlassSpider (8:50:50 PM): It wasn’t painful enough, now we have to endure Carmen?
\nGlassSpider (8:51:24 PM): Mumble-mumble-mutter-mutter-something suave and age-inappropriate.
\nkaosdevice (8:51:37 PM): They can go from a barn to a European style opera house in 30 seconds? What the hell?
\nGlassSpider (8:52:01 PM): Soooo, she’s an escort? An unpaid escort?
\nGlassSpider (8:52:45 PM): My interest has receded farther than this guy’s hairline.
\nkaosdevice (8:52:58 PM): You know what would be awesome, is if this movie actually went somewhere and on that journey did a t-bone crash into a big ol’ pile of sense.
\nGlassSpider (8:53:36 PM): That’s my stage name. T-Bone Crash.
\nGlassSpider (8:53:50 PM): Ew.
\nkaosdevice (8:53:59 PM): good lord, even the sex scenes are boring, how in the world do you do that?
\nGlassSpider (8:54:17 PM): Skank bangs old dude. That’ll get her far.
\nGlassSpider (8:54:43 PM): How does she not take off her bra?
\nkaosdevice (8:55:12 PM): I want to take an ether soaked rag and a straight razor to this movie.
\nGlassSpider (8:55:30 PM): Pig-tits we got a-plenty. Girl boobs, not so much.
\nGlassSpider (8:55:50 PM): I was thinking sledge hammer.
\nGlassSpider (8:56:01 PM): A satisfying crunch.
\nGlassSpider (8:56:13 PM): Like Wavy Lays.
\nkaosdevice (8:57:07 PM): He was running around with his own hand! That was about as frightening as a care bear convention.
\nGlassSpider (8:57:43 PM): Robot Chicken is more terrifying than this.
\nkaosdevice (8:57:57 PM): Robot Chicken makes more sense then this.
\nGlassSpider (8:58:03 PM): And it’s over in ten minutes.
\nkaosdevice (8:58:18 PM): sweet release of death come for me.
\nGlassSpider (8:58:44 PM): Buck up, maybe you’ll have to take a bathroom break.
\nGlassSpider (8:58:55 PM): No, you’re a whore.
\nGlassSpider (8:59:09 PM): Sluts do it for fun, not merchandise.
\nkaosdevice (8:59:28 PM): The skank is strong with this one.
\nGlassSpider (9:00:01 PM): I’m writing the plot before it happens!… Oh, wait, that wasn’t plot…
\nGlassSpider (9:00:11 PM): I think it got on my shoe.
\nkaosdevice (9:00:16 PM): The men in this family really love spending time with their pigs out in the shed.
\nGlassSpider (9:00:36 PM): Better than the one in the house, I guess.
\nkaosdevice (9:01:39 PM): Sheesh enough with the stupid pigs!
\nkaosdevice (9:02:19 PM): She has the pastiest stalker ever.
\nGlassSpider (9:02:51 PM): So it was suppised to be scary because of the punching-sheet-metal noise in the soundtrack?
\nGlassSpider (9:03:41 PM): She was thinking of putting it in her shorts.
\nkaosdevice (9:03:51 PM): HAY!
\nGlassSpider (9:04:07 PM): Do we even know these charming ladies’ names? Does it matter?
\nkaosdevice (9:04:38 PM): Well the ‘good girl’ is Faith, the other one I think is Skeevy McQueevy.
\nGlassSpider (9:05:08 PM): Oh, or maybe it’s Charity.
\nkaosdevice (9:05:26 PM): She does give it away for free.
\nGlassSpider (9:05:27 PM): Hey, hilbilly hottie!
\nkaosdevice (9:05:53 PM): He’s a pig zapper
\nGlassSpider (9:06:31 PM): Whooooo! Fun in the boondocks!
\nkaosdevice (9:07:19 PM): I wish a plane would drop a plot bomb on this movie.
\nGlassSpider (9:07:35 PM): From the files pf "Cliched Dialogue"…
\nkaosdevice (9:08:16 PM): On a new episode of ‘Dumb Tree Hill’
\nGlassSpider (9:08:32 PM): Yay! Bacon!
\nkaosdevice (9:08:59 PM): The american pork council couldn’t put out a movie more obsessed with pigs.
\nGlassSpider (9:09:24 PM): It’s the other white meat. Or pink…
\nGlassSpider (9:09:44 PM): Porcine porn. For kids!
\nGlassSpider (9:09:59 PM): Extra snout for me!
\nkaosdevice (9:10:24 PM): Instead of slaughter they should have called this movie ‘Un-kosher’
\nGlassSpider (9:10:32 PM): Oh, how I wish this was a Return of the Livivng Dead flick.
\nGlassSpider (9:11:34 PM): A – is for asinine.
\nkaosdevice (9:11:51 PM): Wait, I get it, this is an unstructional film on how not to make a horror film. It makes so much sense now.
\nGlassSpider (9:11:56 PM): B – is for boring.
\nGlassSpider (9:12:15 PM): C – is for cliche.
\nkaosdevice (9:12:59 PM): Where did they find this wiz-kid of a child actor?
\nGlassSpider (9:13:05 PM): It’s Slasher Films for DUMMIES!
\nGlassSpider (9:13:42 PM): At least he seemed genuine. Maybe they didn’t tell him it was a movie.
\nkaosdevice (9:14:12 PM): Based on true, extrodinarilly boring events!
\nGlassSpider (9:14:22 PM): Nobody like a jealous whore. Be nice!
\nGlassSpider (9:15:03 PM): And shovel pig-dung.
\nGlassSpider (9:15:11 PM): And commit it to film.
\nGlassSpider (9:15:31 PM): And tip cows?
\nkaosdevice (9:15:32 PM): I’ve been watching this movie since I was a child.
\nGlassSpider (9:16:13 PM): I remember when your voice started changing, and this movie made was boring.
\nkaosdevice (9:16:41 PM): This chick is acting like she’s never seen a firefly before. Was she raised in a box?
\nGlassSpider (9:17:17 PM): Ah. A moment of peaceful reflection, the catching of harmless bugs. And puking in the reeds.
\nGlassSpider (9:17:53 PM): Dunno if beer’ll help. But it couldn’t hurt.
\nGlassSpider (9:18:30 PM): Damn. Is this piece of tripe a PG-13 movie?
\nkaosdevice (9:19:49 PM): PG for pretty ghastly
\nGlassSpider (9:20:38 PM): So, Daddy doesn’t like her fraternizin’ with the menfolk, but all her clothes are from the super-slut collection — What does that imply?
\nkaosdevice (9:21:26 PM): Daddy must run a high end car dealership judging by the rides of the dudes he’s been a-killin’.
\nkaosdevice (9:21:36 PM): Axe Murder Motors!
\nGlassSpider (9:21:48 PM): It’s fun for the whole family!
\nGlassSpider (9:22:09 PM): Whoah, Man-Hands!
\nkaosdevice (9:22:11 PM): Come down and steal our deals on wheels!
\nGlassSpider (9:22:34 PM): First 100 buyers get a side-o-pork!
\nkaosdevice (9:23:47 PM): Again with the pigs? Again? I hope they get a listing in the credits when they roll. Which apparently will be sometime next year.
\nGlassSpider (9:23:53 PM): We should have to chug every time this movie shows a pig.
\nGlassSpider (9:24:13 PM): I’d be under the table by now.
\nkaosdevice (9:24:18 PM): You’re looking at alcohol poisoning right there.
\nGlassSpider (9:24:51 PM): Yeah, especially if we counted pig-parts.
\nkaosdevice (9:25:07 PM): The pigs in this movie have all the best parts.
\nGlassSpider (9:25:41 PM): Ba-dum-bum-ching!
\nkaosdevice (9:25:43 PM): It’s like animal farm except we look into the movie and the pigs have become the actors
\nGlassSpider (9:26:19 PM): Oh, clean kiddie-porn.
\nGlassSpider (9:26:32 PM): That’s gotta be motive.
\nGlassSpider (9:26:40 PM): And here’s where we came in.
\nkaosdevice (9:26:58 PM): Oh what a great trick, they started the movie with the end at the beginning!
\nGlassSpider (9:27:30 PM): Sorry sweetie, the middle is the beginning.
\nkaosdevice (9:27:42 PM): ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
\nGlassSpider (9:28:04 PM): The scariest thing about this movie so far is that it’s only half over.
\nkaosdevice (9:28:39 PM): Now this goes all revenge story it seems.
\nGlassSpider (9:28:53 PM): Score an ear-bleeder for the uneven sound.
\nGlassSpider (9:29:13 PM): I Spit on You Sty.
\nkaosdevice (9:29:32 PM): if it is the last thing we ever do.
\nGlassSpider (9:29:49 PM): What the hell? Carmen again???
\nGlassSpider (9:30:40 PM): It’s House of 1000 Porkers.
\nkaosdevice (9:31:00 PM): this movie just steered away from the minimal story line it had and is taking a shortcut through Stupidville.
\nGlassSpider (9:31:23 PM): Man, that should have been gross except it looked so fake.
\nGlassSpider (9:32:07 PM): Burn it down, Slutty Macree! Burn it down!
\nkaosdevice (9:32:54 PM): She’ll need a boob job to trade places with the other girl.
\nGlassSpider (9:33:07 PM): All the toe-squrming tropes — now it’s amateur dentistry.
\nGlassSpider (9:33:12 PM): "Is it safe?"
\nkaosdevice (9:33:52 PM): this would be disturbing if I actually cared.
\nGlassSpider (9:34:18 PM): If ya didn’t want her to bellyache, you coulda knocked her out, stupid.
\nGlassSpider (9:34:36 PM): Awww, piggies.
\nkaosdevice (9:34:37 PM): pigs take a drink!
\nkaosdevice (9:36:04 PM): how can something be both idiotic and random, yet predectible at the same time? Physicists should study the plot line of this film.
\nGlassSpider (9:37:38 PM): Cute, but her face would be soooo much more puffed out from that.
\nkaosdevice (9:37:46 PM): She is about as menacing as my little pony.
\nGlassSpider (9:37:56 PM): They’d have to write about it theoretically, of course, because noone’s actually seen a plot here. It’s like string theory.
\nkaosdevice (9:38:47 PM): She’s the Daisy mae of Dentistry!
\nGlassSpider (9:39:09 PM): I’d mention that the tool-marks on the teeth would give it all away, but that would be applying logic.
\nkaosdevice (9:39:28 PM): Don’t do that! You will burn the movie to a cinder!
\nGlassSpider (9:39:36 PM): Like putting lipstick on a… PIG! Drink!
\nGlassSpider (9:40:28 PM): I feel like a bully. this is just too easy.
\nkaosdevice (9:40:59 PM): I was hoping she would get that hacksaw and cut a few minutes off the end of this movie.
\nGlassSpider (9:41:36 PM): We’ll be cashing in our depleted 401K’s before this thing ends.
\nGlassSpider (9:42:03 PM): Whoo! Kick that hick right in the ass!
\nkaosdevice (9:42:50 PM): The plot congeals…I mean thickens.
\nGlassSpider (9:43:25 PM): She’s had years to plan this all out, and this is what she comes up with?
\nkaosdevice (9:44:02 PM): Yeah, she’s just a white cat and a henchman away from being a Bond villain.
\nGlassSpider (9:44:59 PM): What about our hunky farm-hand? Will he help out the heroine?
\nkaosdevice (9:45:24 PM): That cowboy boot and short skirt look never goes out of fashion.
\nGlassSpider (9:45:32 PM): I’ve gone numb.
\nGlassSpider (9:45:55 PM): I couldn’t give less of a crap if she gets away with it.
\nkaosdevice (9:46:37 PM): I think he is trying to tell her to run? He is not describing every action he is taking well enough.
\nGlassSpider (9:46:54 PM): Sure just sit there looking stupid.
\nkaosdevice (9:47:07 PM): I’m closing the door! I’m running behind you! I am near the truck!
\nGlassSpider (9:47:20 PM): Don’t flag anyone down till you get out of the williwags!
\nGlassSpider (9:47:28 PM): Jeez.
\nGlassSpider (9:47:42 PM): This guy, now? Go Jimmy!
\nkaosdevice (9:47:57 PM): This s the stupidest turn around of story I think I have ever, ever seen.
\nGlassSpider (9:48:29 PM): Okay, so not PG-13. About 35 too many f-bombs.
\nGlassSpider (9:48:46 PM): Jimmy’s got a very refined vocabulary.
\nkaosdevice (9:49:02 PM): Oh they are outside of Atlanta. That explains why all the overhead shots they did of the ‘big city’ were of New York.
\nGlassSpider (9:49:25 PM): High Tension made my head hurt more, but at least it was interesting.
\nGlassSpider (9:50:01 PM): There’s Hunky!
\nkaosdevice (9:50:38 PM): Ok, I want to shoot this movie in the knees and leave it in the desert.
\nGlassSpider (9:50:50 PM): Covered with honey.
\nGlassSpider (9:50:58 PM): On a scorpion nest.
\nGlassSpider (9:51:56 PM): 81 minutes in. I could take a quick nap, right?
\nkaosdevice (9:52:18 PM): I’ll fill you in on everything you miss. Done.
\nGlassSpider (9:52:29 PM): Those are the pictures that came with the frames!
\nkaosdevice (9:52:57 PM): Go to bed so I can come back and blow your head off.
\nGlassSpider (9:53:20 PM): Hey. Wonder if the kid is hers. Daddy is a creep, after all.
\nkaosdevice (9:53:28 PM): was a creep.
\nGlassSpider (9:53:47 PM): No, that would be silly.
\nGlassSpider (9:53:58 PM): And this movie would never be that.
\nGlassSpider (9:55:14 PM): Gun-wrasslin’! Yeeee-haw!
\nkaosdevice (9:55:24 PM): They can’t even make a cat fight exciting.
\nGlassSpider (9:55:53 PM): Oooo, pretty. WTF?
\nGlassSpider (9:56:21 PM): How many GD jars of bugs does this kid need?
\nkaosdevice (9:56:24 PM): And then Lola comes in to kill the fireflies…to cover her tracks! It’s a perfect crime!
\nGlassSpider (9:56:48 PM): Where my piggy?
\nGlassSpider (9:57:02 PM): Was that Ned Beatty?
\nkaosdevice (9:57:42 PM): Yeah, we get it she’s killed people before. Thanks for making that super, extra ultra clear movie.
\nGlassSpider (9:57:54 PM): Great the pain in my sleeping backside is distracting me from this scintillating –zzzzzzzz.
\nGlassSpider (9:58:55 PM): They should play this movie at Gitmo.
\nGlassSpider (9:59:58 PM): Thaaaaat was forgettable.
\nkaosdevice (10:00:07 PM): Oh now we get the ‘I am not you’ speech, ye frelling ha.
\nkaosdevice (10:01:38 PM): Just never gonna set us free are you movie?
\nGlassSpider (10:01:39 PM): God, they fight like tired old men.
\nGlassSpider (10:02:25 PM): Finally.
\nGlassSpider (10:02:41 PM): Wait! Don’t burn the piggies!
\nGlassSpider (10:03:32 PM): Okay, creepy. The little girl in the Polaroids looked like the little brother in a wig and a dress.
\nGlassSpider (10:03:43 PM): Therapy’s gonna cost them a mint.
\nkaosdevice (10:03:46 PM): Sheesh, finally. That thing gimped to an ending like a wounded animal.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[  Mood: Sick ]Wherein the CD team watches ‘Slaughter’. Ugh. ——————————————— kaosdevice (8:30:24 PM): ‘Slaughter’ 2009-written and directed by some guy you don’t know and starring a whole cast of people you don’t and will never care about. The agony (ours … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-31","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\t\n\t\n\t\n