{"id":23,"date":"2009-04-19T14:43:41","date_gmt":"2009-04-19T14:43:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/cinemadestructo\/2009\/04\/19\/cinemadestructo-the-uninvited\/"},"modified":"2009-04-19T14:43:41","modified_gmt":"2009-04-19T14:43:41","slug":"cinemadestructo-the-uninvited","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/cinemadestructo\/2009\/04\/19\/cinemadestructo-the-uninvited\/","title":{"rendered":"CinemaDestructo : The Uninvited"},"content":{"rendered":"

[<\/strong> \"Fed Mood:<\/strong> Fed Up WIth Life ]<\/strong>
The Uninvited@Amazon<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

83 minutes that felt like 4 hours.<\/p>\n

————————————————–<\/p>\n

kaosdevice (00:00:23 PM): Tonight’s atrocity exhibition is 2009’s ‘The Uninvited’ and it staaaarts, now.
\nkaosdevice (00:01:22 PM): That is our hopes and dreams burning away
\nGlass Spider (00:01:29 PM): Beware of friendly fire…
\nkaosdevice (00:02:03 PM): she’s got the Innsmouth look and he has a condom. Match made in heaven
\nGlass Spider (00:02:25 PM): Another voiceover flick?
\nkaosdevice (00:02:40 PM): Because voiceovers NEVER get annoying.
\nkaosdevice (00:03:05 PM): She’s in the filthy forest near the grove of trash bags.
\nGlass Spider (00:03:15 PM): First-person narration is not a viable substitute for writing. "and here’s where I lost my virginity…"
\nGlass Spider (00:03:52 PM): *Snooooore*
\nkaosdevice (00:04:04 PM): ok, it’s a drink every time something that is supposed to be scary is lame.
\nGlass Spider (00:04:19 PM): Because no one wants to look at a sick person all the time.
\nkaosdevice (00:04:30 PM): with an irritating bell.
\nGlass Spider (00:04:39 PM): Okay, it’s a dream, we get it.
\nkaosdevice (00:04:53 PM): like this movie
\nGlass Spider (00:05:13 PM): Insurance dividends for everyone!
\nGlass Spider (00:05:28 PM): Thanks, Dr. Obvious!
\nkaosdevice (00:05:38 PM): The deep ones are strong in this girl.
\nGlass Spider (00:05:57 PM): "Little red-headed girl"? Is this a Peanuts story?
\nkaosdevice (00:06:25 PM): Because you actually aren’t smart I’m just being polite.
\nGlass Spider (00:06:36 PM): Gosh, he doesn’t scream Dr. Bad-Touch at all.
\nkaosdevice (00:07:09 PM): The only way this dialogue could be more boring is if it was quoting me tax codes.
\nGlass Spider (00:07:36 PM): It’s a process. You have to forgive yourself. Feel your feelings. And 20 other clich\u00e9d analyst phrases!
\nkaosdevice (00:07:41 PM): drink
\nGlass Spider (00:08:16 PM): Because you’re ugly, not cute like our fish-faced heroine.
\nkaosdevice (00:08:32 PM): this film likes its’ overhead cam shots.
\nkaosdevice (00:09:03 PM): nah, its’ a handgun!
\nGlass Spider (00:09:04 PM): Awwww, David Strathairn needed a payday.
\nGlass Spider (00:09:28 PM): Creeeee-py.
\nkaosdevice (00:09:40 PM): He does the pervy dad thing well.
\nGlass Spider (00:10:17 PM): I don’t want him to say "I wanted you all to myself," to his daughter. Not after Dolores Claiborne.
\nkaosdevice (00:10:46 PM): Could the music in this be more strident and obnoxious?
\nGlass Spider (00:10:48 PM): Yipe. Teen panties.
\nkaosdevice (00:11:08 PM): Mmmmmm sweaty Elizibeth Banks.
\nGlass Spider (00:11:18 PM): Yesssss, Precioussss.
\nGlass Spider (00:11:34 PM): Okay, go for stroganoff jokes!
\nkaosdevice (00:11:45 PM): just can’t go there too easy
\nGlass Spider (00:11:52 PM): Daddy likes ’em young.
\nkaosdevice (00:12:47 PM): Wow, that must have been house explosion lite(tm) for when you only want the appearance of a blown up building without the actual damage.
\nGlass Spider (00:12:59 PM): Chili-dog break! Cover me, I’m goin’ in!
\nkaosdevice (00:13:06 PM): go for it!
\nkaosdevice (00:14:37 PM): Ah the overblown drama, and could it be, some sort of plot? And now the Lifetime family drama portion of the movie.
\nkaosdevice (00:16:04 PM): Where we wrote down what the hell was going on in this movie.
\nkaosdevice (00:16:28 PM): Nice Texas Chainsaw Massacre attic.
\nGlass Spider (00:16:32 PM): Spooky. Dronk!
\nkaosdevice (00:17:22 PM): Hey it is Mama’s sick bell! What a keepsake, do they have some plague blankets and some rats with bubonic fleas as well?
\nGlass Spider (00:17:29 PM): We now return to the Special Presentation of "The Haunted Bell."
\nGlass Spider (00:17:50 PM): Not a Kodak moment.
\nkaosdevice (00:17:58 PM): The hand that bores the cradle.
\nGlass Spider (00:18:06 PM): Groooooossssss. Parental sex-noise.
\nkaosdevice (00:18:13 PM): Annnnd sex sounds, always a quality move.
\nGlass Spider (00:18:21 PM): Why man invented headphones.
\nGlass Spider (00:19:01 PM): I heard a bell. Did they get a cat?
\nGlass Spider (00:19:04 PM): Or a pig?
\nGlass Spider (00:19:13 PM): Drink!
\nkaosdevice (00:19:21 PM): drink
\nkaosdevice (00:20:17 PM): scene you are being mean to our livers
\nGlass Spider (00:20:52 PM): She had therapy for her nightmares… How are we supposed to take any of this seriously?
\nGlass Spider (00:22:00 PM): Groooosssssss! More parental sex references.
\nGlass Spider (00:22:08 PM): And barfing.
\nkaosdevice (00:23:07 PM): she sucks at being creepy.
\nGlass Spider (00:23:15 PM): Is this Ethan Frome? Are they tricking me?
\nGlass Spider (00:23:30 PM): Ommmmm, she said the effword!
\nkaosdevice (00:23:30 PM): and she learned to carry on, hey! hey!
\nGlass Spider (00:24:14 PM): Clunkier foreshadowing than a porn-movie makeup artist.
\nkaosdevice (00:24:17 PM): ah bonding, this makes me feel warm and nauseous.
\nGlass Spider (00:24:58 PM): Little sis wears the demure one-piece, big sis, the slutty-kini!
\nkaosdevice (00:25:21 PM): there’s a reason nobody ever accused you of being smart son.
\nGlass Spider (00:25:31 PM): Reunited with the teen mauler.
\nGlass Spider (00:25:51 PM): Yep, Banks comes off more frigid and bitchy than scary.
\nkaosdevice (00:26:18 PM): lake delivery service, I’ll have a can of something interesting going on with a side of actual scary?
\nGlass Spider (00:26:48 PM): Burning chili-dog, with my burning desire for a coherent storyline.
\nkaosdevice (00:27:51 PM): I’m so bored my autonomic functions are falling asleep.
\nGlass Spider (00:28:11 PM): So the new step-mom’s a posessive wench, and dad’s a spineless go-bag. Anything helpful in that?
\nkaosdevice (00:28:15 PM): you may have to call the morgue Spidey.
\nGlass Spider (00:28:31 PM): Having trouble swallowing?
\nGlass Spider (00:28:37 PM): Drink!
\nkaosdevice (00:28:45 PM): argh!
\nkaosdevice (00:29:41 PM): another deadly scene
\nGlass Spider (00:30:04 PM): Zombie mom. So? I grew up with my own terrors — ever heard of polyester bellbottoms?
\nkaosdevice (00:30:21 PM): Mr. Microphone?
\nGlass Spider (00:30:45 PM): Diet Rite?
\nkaosdevice (00:31:01 PM): I’ve seen games of Candyland that have had more complicated set ups then this ‘mystery’.
\nGlass Spider (00:31:17 PM): Chutes and Ladders!
\nGlass Spider (00:31:38 PM): Sisters in the bathtub — ain’t it cute.
\nkaosdevice (00:31:51 PM): Just a couple of sisters in their sexy under things hanging out in a tub. Completely normal.
\nGlass Spider (00:32:26 PM): These girls look about as Asian as white girls can look. Even their casting was rote.
\nGlass Spider (00:33:13 PM): Yay! Beamer! Car of choice for all gold-digging second wives!
\nkaosdevice (00:33:44 PM): The movie is giving me the dialogue equivalent of a wet willy right now.
\nGlass Spider (00:33:45 PM): Ooooo, sneaky, step-mom.
\nGlass Spider (00:33:55 PM): Not in the ears!
\nGlass Spider (00:34:22 PM): She does do Zero-Sum eyes pretty well.
\nGlass Spider (00:34:55 PM): Garbage-bag girl makes an appearance.
\nkaosdevice (00:34:58 PM): drink
\nGlass Spider (00:35:55 PM): I’d probably have this movie figured out already if I cared enough to pay attention.
\nkaosdevice (00:36:05 PM): and everyone loves freshberries!
\nGlass Spider (00:36:52 PM): New mom cuts off all outside contact. Creepy, but for the wrong reasons.
\nkaosdevice (00:37:06 PM): I’ve seen circus clown acts that were more subtle
\nGlass Spider (00:37:47 PM): This girl dresses like Dora the Explorer. And not in a cute way.
\nGlass Spider (00:37:53 PM): One funny line.
\nkaosdevice (00:38:14 PM): This movie seems to be mostly about lingerie and bathing suits, oh and ennui.
\nGlass Spider (00:38:19 PM): "She’s like a crack whore, without the dignity."
\nkaosdevice (00:39:02 PM): Because nothing says payback like stealing vibrator batteries.
\nGlass Spider (00:39:15 PM): Wow, that’s some teenage rebellion — swiped the batteries out of mom’s B.O.B.
\nGlass Spider (00:39:41 PM): *Battery operated boyfriend.
\nGlass Spider (00:40:03 PM): Snooooorrrre.
\nkaosdevice (00:40:09 PM): Is this a movie about sisters or a Vivid Video production?
\nGlass Spider (00:40:24 PM): Maybe she’ll stay with me till I fall asleep.
\nkaosdevice (00:40:27 PM): drink
\nGlass Spider (00:40:32 PM): Shouldn’t be long now.
\nkaosdevice (00:41:05 PM): Well it would be a yin\/yang, that other film took me out for a bit.
\nGlass Spider (00:41:39 PM): He’s finally learned how to play a girl — act scared and needy.
\nkaosdevice (00:42:15 PM): that’s some wicked scoliosis
\nkaosdevice (00:42:21 PM): drink btw
\nGlass Spider (00:42:24 PM): Didn’t we already see all of this in Pet Sematary?
\nGlass Spider (00:43:27 PM): Bluuuuuue booyyyyyfriend….
\nkaosdevice (00:43:34 PM): They’ve called in the Coast Guard to save us from this movie! Oh, never mind we couldn’t be so lucky.
\nGlass Spider (00:43:53 PM): It’d have to be Navy Seals, at this point.
\nkaosdevice (00:44:07 PM): Because these are timber infested waters.
\nkaosdevice (00:44:44 PM): like this movie
\nGlass Spider (00:45:13 PM): Nothing’s ever her fault — ask her therapist.
\nGlass Spider (00:45:58 PM): It’s too soon to try and turn Dad against his new humpin’ dolly.
\nkaosdevice (00:46:00 PM): being in this movie, it has been hard for all of us.
\nGlass Spider (00:46:57 PM): I’m paranoid and emotional, but not crazy!
\nkaosdevice (00:47:06 PM): You don’t have to be crazy to be in this film but it helps! Huh huh huh huh!
\nkaosdevice (00:47:24 PM): I’m afraid for me.
\nGlass Spider (00:47:45 PM): Dang, big sister has some masculine shoulders.
\nkaosdevice (00:48:25 PM): She has the sleuthing skills of an Our Gang featurette.
\nGlass Spider (00:48:30 PM): Ewwww, now that was scary. Nobody should have to see anyone’s driver’s license photo.
\nGlass Spider (00:49:00 PM): Hey, it’s Dora the Explorer and Carmen San Diego!
\nGlass Spider (00:49:11 PM): Gross.
\nkaosdevice (00:49:20 PM): The suspense of this movie is as intense as a beating with a feather duster.
\nGlass Spider (00:49:32 PM): Yeeeaahhhh, that’s not creepy.
\nkaosdevice (00:50:00 PM): This one shore has a party mouthy…squeals like a pig for me step-daughter!
\nGlass Spider (00:50:15 PM): Or like a jig.
\nkaosdevice (00:50:44 PM): out of this movie
\nGlass Spider (00:51:01 PM): Mom, the most boring sexy showdown, ever.
\nkaosdevice (00:51:10 PM): of this movie
\nGlass Spider (00:51:31 PM): Maybe I could be institutionalized. For my protection.
\nGlass Spider (00:51:42 PM): From this movie.
\nGlass Spider (00:52:09 PM): More chili-dog!
\nkaosdevice (00:52:27 PM): This party is a smoking jacket, a martini and a pipe away from the Playboy club.
\nkaosdevice (00:54:02 PM): Oh movie, you are just trying your little heart out aren’t you?
\nkaosdevice (00:54:48 PM): ah more lame foreshadowing.
\nkaosdevice (00:55:05 PM): drink
\nGlass Spider (00:55:09 PM): I wonder if that was a metaphor for how they came up with their screenplay…
\nGlass Spider (00:56:30 PM): It was like a set-up for one of those rhetorical moral questions.
\nGlass Spider (00:57:16 PM): If you had a fancy dinner party and all your guests were there, and none of them saw the main course fall on the floor, would you still watch the rest of this movie?
\nkaosdevice (00:57:21 PM): All she wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi and he wouldn’t give it too her!
\nkaosdevice (00:57:50 PM): I am ashamed to be in this film though
\nGlass Spider (00:58:06 PM): Or to be boning a hot chick 30 years younger than me.
\nkaosdevice (00:58:29 PM): You know what would be frightening? If something actually happened in this movie.
\nGlass Spider (00:58:38 PM): Not like that trash you usually wear.
\nkaosdevice (00:58:55 PM): He is reading from the book of Pointless 4:32
\nGlass Spider (00:59:01 PM): Oh, the hatred in her hazel eyes…
\nkaosdevice (00:59:47 PM): I see plot hooks, they are all around but nobody else in the film sees them.
\nGlass Spider (01:00:14 PM): What the eff is with the little LDS kid all the time? Did she miss her horse-drawn carriage ride home?
\nkaosdevice (01:00:52 PM): Something just ain’t Wright there.
\nGlass Spider (01:01:05 PM): Gosh, that would have meant something if I had any idea who the Wrights were.
\nkaosdevice (01:01:38 PM): Oh, so now it is a ghost thing?
\nGlass Spider (01:01:53 PM): The Hand that Mocks Credulity.
\nkaosdevice (01:02:04 PM): So the doctor gave her a pearl necklace. *cough* moving on…
\nGlass Spider (01:02:56 PM): Maybe the restaraunteur will give her some fresh sausage.
\nkaosdevice (01:02:59 PM): Keyhole cam!
\nGlass Spider (01:04:12 PM): Once this food is gone, I’ll have no more reason to be distracted from this film.
\nGlass Spider (01:04:21 PM): Or reason to live.
\nkaosdevice (01:04:27 PM): Wow completely didn’t see something bad coming there, oh wait I did. We’ve got the suspense value of a pendulum.
\nkaosdevice (01:05:01 PM): chick fight!
\nGlass Spider (01:05:28 PM): This is angry stepdaughter porn.
\nkaosdevice (01:05:32 PM): I just want to drug and kill you.
\nGlass Spider (01:06:36 PM): It might have had a chance if it could have decided: Ghost story or psycho-mom story.
\nGlass Spider (01:07:23 PM): I wish I could put a dresser in front of the door to my psyche.
\nGlass Spider (01:07:44 PM): I wish I could report this movie to the authorities.
\nkaosdevice (01:08:18 PM): Mildred? Really?
\nkaosdevice (01:08:37 PM): Stop hurting me movie.
\nGlass Spider (01:08:40 PM): Didn’t he ever see Gremlins?
\nGlass Spider (01:09:12 PM): It’s all fun and games till something rigs your electric stairs.
\nkaosdevice (01:09:28 PM): Ah the ghost of the protective mom.
\nGlass Spider (01:09:47 PM): Wow, her credibility just went through the roof.
\nkaosdevice (01:10:11 PM): This like it was directed by a brain damaged M. Night
\nGlass Spider (01:11:02 PM): Lemme guess… Step mom’s gonna win, but ghost mom will finish her off just in time to save the girls…
\nGlass Spider (01:11:51 PM): Gross. Step-nurse is stripping the teen to her underwears.
\nGlass Spider (01:12:40 PM): I believed Rebecca DeMornay soooooo much better in the role.
\nGlass Spider (01:14:05 PM): And now I babble crazy things at you to justify my psycho behavior.
\nkaosdevice (01:14:19 PM): the dumpster of doooooooom
\nGlass Spider (01:14:34 PM): Trash bags? Again?
\nGlass Spider (01:15:00 PM): Man, look at the delts on that girl!
\nkaosdevice (01:15:01 PM): gosh another amazing turnaround that didn’t make much sense.
\nGlass Spider (01:15:52 PM): It’s like Beautiful Creatures only much less interesting.
\nkaosdevice (01:16:27 PM): Oh for pete’s sake.
\nGlass Spider (01:16:52 PM): Couldn’t we just say it was all a bad dream?
\nGlass Spider (01:17:01 PM): Like this movie?
\nkaosdevice (01:17:24 PM): I wish. Now we get the big flash back into yaaaaawnsville.
\nGlass Spider (01:17:45 PM): And the flashback that explains it all… Really, Movie?
\nkaosdevice (01:18:01 PM): She was the cause of it all along.
\nkaosdevice (01:19:00 PM): Blah, blah, blah.
\nGlass Spider (01:19:31 PM): So it was all just a big accident — she was trying to kill her father, not her mother.
\nGlass Spider (01:20:07 PM): Oooooh, and she killed them all. Of course she did.
\nkaosdevice (01:20:28 PM): Sheesh, not even a miracle could cure this lameness.
\nGlass Spider (01:20:30 PM): THE HORROR!
\nGlass Spider (01:21:53 PM): Hey, maybe she was Mildred Kemp — and she killed those children, too!
\nkaosdevice (01:21:53 PM): at least we had chili dogs.
\nkaosdevice (01:22:04 PM): In another life!
\nGlass Spider (01:22:07 PM): *BUUUUUUURRRP*
\nkaosdevice (01:22:21 PM): Ooooooh how ominous.
\nkaosdevice (01:22:53 PM): Let’s give the murderous girl some scissors! What a great idea!
\nkaosdevice (01:23:24 PM): Lot’s of gals getting pearl necklaces in this movie. *cough* moving on…
\nGlass Spider (01:23:26 PM): This movie was so bad even the directors fought over who wouldn’t take credit for it.
\nkaosdevice (01:23:49 PM): Can’t believe I am still awake.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[  Mood: Fed Up WIth Life ]The Uninvited@Amazon 83 minutes that felt like 4 hours. ————————————————– kaosdevice (00:00:23 PM): Tonight’s atrocity exhibition is 2009’s ‘The Uninvited’ and it staaaarts, now. kaosdevice (00:01:22 PM): That is our hopes and dreams burning away … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-23","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\t\n\t\n\t\n