{"id":21,"date":"2009-04-27T20:05:45","date_gmt":"2009-04-27T20:05:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/cinemadestructo\/2009\/04\/27\/cinemadestructo-seed\/"},"modified":"2009-04-27T20:05:45","modified_gmt":"2009-04-27T20:05:45","slug":"cinemadestructo-seed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.revolutionsf.com\/revblogs\/cinemadestructo\/2009\/04\/27\/cinemadestructo-seed\/","title":{"rendered":"CinemaDestructo : Seed"},"content":{"rendered":"

[<\/strong> \"Sick\" Mood:<\/strong> Sick ]<\/strong>
Seed @ Amazon<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Pain incarnate.<\/p>\n

———————————-<\/p>\n

kaosdevice (9:59:57 PM): We are going to be traumatized tonight by Uwe Boll’s ‘Seed’ (2007). Save the snickering. And it starts…NOW!
\nGlass Spider (00:00:00 PM): From Dictionary.com: boll -noun Botany. a rounded seed vessel or pod of a plant, as of flax or cotton. So, is this going to be autobiographical, or what…?
\nGlass Spider returned at 10:00:00 PM.
\nkaosdevice (00:00:29 PM): pigs, again with the pigs?
\nGlass Spider (00:00:44 PM): That quote would suggest to me that the answer is yes.
\nGlass Spider (00:01:01 PM): Is that Spider-Goat?
\nkaosdevice (00:01:04 PM): oh weird mutant dogs, my bad.
\nGlass Spider (00:01:32 PM): I think he’s whacking off to this puppy snuff-film…
\nGlass Spider (00:01:43 PM): *snuff
\nGlass Spider (00:02:06 PM): What were those? Foxes? Badgers?
\nGlass Spider (00:02:17 PM): Uh-oh — more reading…
\nkaosdevice (00:03:01 PM): reading in a Boll film is like dancing in a morgue
\nkaosdevice (00:03:23 PM): that is shocking, shocking!
\nGlass Spider (00:03:23 PM): I looooove it when exposition is covered in printed scroll — what’re you, George Lucas?
\nGlass Spider (00:04:31 PM): Boll’s movies are so bad; Jeffery Combs won’t even appear in them.
\nkaosdevice (00:04:42 PM): Ralph Muller! Big, menacing and German for extra value
\nGlass Spider (00:05:05 PM): Jawol!
\nGlass Spider (00:05:47 PM): I hope this is a flashback, otherwise that guy is dressed way too hip for this flick.
\nkaosdevice (00:06:08 PM): This film went Boll craptastic super quick.
\nGlass Spider (00:06:30 PM): Is that a seriously aged Michael Pare?
\nkaosdevice (00:06:37 PM): yup
\nGlass Spider (00:06:48 PM): Man.
\nkaosdevice (00:07:14 PM): nothing says quality film like the combination of Boll and Michael Pare.
\nGlass Spider (00:07:15 PM): So, did Pleatherface eat the baby, or what?
\nkaosdevice (00:07:42 PM): Rolph!
\nGlass Spider (00:07:47 PM): Yayyyy.
\nGlass Spider (00:07:58 PM): We’ve got mail! Yayyyy!
\nkaosdevice (00:08:28 PM): Drink every time Rolph is barely intelligible.
\nkaosdevice (00:08:38 PM): drink
\nGlass Spider (00:08:39 PM): You can’t smoke in a cop shop anymore. What frapping year is this?
\nGlass Spider (00:09:12 PM): Be menacing, and smoke more. Goooood.
\nkaosdevice (00:09:14 PM): this scene bugs me.
\nGlass Spider (00:09:43 PM): 9 minutes in and we have bug-humping. Sweet.
\nkaosdevice (00:10:09 PM): I’ve seen more interesting golf tournaments then this so far.
\nkaosdevice (00:10:36 PM): it’s trying to tell you are in a horrible movie.
\nGlass Spider (00:10:37 PM): Putrefaction-porn!
\nGlass Spider (00:10:54 PM): "What’s he trying to tell us?" What is he, Lassie?
\nkaosdevice (00:10:59 PM): this movie really hates dogs.
\nGlass Spider (00:11:33 PM): This killer’s got oodles of super-8 film and free time.
\nkaosdevice (00:11:35 PM): you can tell they are police by the mustaches.
\nGlass Spider (00:12:57 PM): CSI: 1980. Now with even wider collars.
\nkaosdevice (00:13:00 PM): what the hell year is this? 1981 or 2009. Lot of confused movies time wise for us lately.
\nGlass Spider (00:13:59 PM): He’s drinking — think he knows something we don’t?
\nkaosdevice (00:14:08 PM): this means you are in a suck movie that conflates shocking or gross with scary.
\nGlass Spider (00:14:19 PM): These guys go through a lot of highball glasses.
\nkaosdevice (00:14:47 PM): 80’s cop cars? wha?
\nkaosdevice (00:15:13 PM): not on the map, sorta like this plot.
\nGlass Spider (00:15:14 PM): Rabbit is good, Rabbit ids wiiiiise.
\nkaosdevice (00:15:30 PM): fantastic facial hair.
\nGlass Spider (00:15:42 PM): A lot of spirit gum died so we could hate this movie.
\nGlass Spider (00:16:17 PM): Suddenly I’m missing the pigs.
\nGlass Spider (00:16:31 PM): The porcine ones, that wasn’t a cop joke.
\nkaosdevice (00:16:45 PM): pigs, cats and dogs…weird theme we are starting to get here.
\nkaosdevice (00:17:18 PM): this movie owes me ten bucks just for the first 16 minutes.
\nGlass Spider (00:17:36 PM): Reveal!: police are scared of the country!.
\nkaosdevice (00:18:07 PM): you can tell something ominous is going on by the lame music.
\nGlass Spider (00:18:10 PM): More expo in print. Cheap.
\nGlass Spider (00:18:37 PM): Is she the baby? Do I really care?
\nkaosdevice (00:18:43 PM): I know EXACTLY how she feels dying in that cell, I just happen to also have a keyboard.
\nkaosdevice (00:19:13 PM): pretty intense, unlike this scene.
\nGlass Spider (00:19:20 PM): Those are some spiffy classic cars, though.
\nkaosdevice (00:19:44 PM): They are tellin’ all ya all it is sabotage!
\nGlass Spider (00:20:08 PM): Is six years long enough to do that to a corpse? No, really, I wanna know.
\nGlass Spider (00:20:47 PM): ‘Cause the tapes seem to show an awful lotta skeletonized bodies.
\nkaosdevice (00:21:00 PM): Uwe wouldn’t know how to frame a scene if someone gave him a level and a t square.
\nGlass Spider (00:21:11 PM): It’s the house from "Home."
\nGlass Spider (00:21:29 PM): Got Mama on the crawly-gator under the bed.
\nkaosdevice (00:22:15 PM): house seems to be light-switch free it seems. But full of great video feeds. Aw rats!
\nGlass Spider (00:22:21 PM): Call Andy Taylor. Or Barney Freakin’ Fife. This movie just broke several torture laws.
\nkaosdevice (00:22:45 PM): wow, scary if you could have seen what the hell happened.
\nGlass Spider (00:23:07 PM): What, screeching rodents aren’t scary enough for you?
\nkaosdevice (00:23:33 PM): the blair dork project
\nGlass Spider (00:23:58 PM): He’s the Mad Dentist!
\nGlass Spider (00:24:06 PM): "Is it safe?"
\nkaosdevice (00:24:40 PM): wth? This movie wants us to just assume scary things are going on. ‘Listen, isn’t that terrifying!’
\nGlass Spider (00:24:50 PM): I guess 1980 cop cars didn’t come equipped with flood lights, either.
\nGlass Spider (00:25:12 PM): It’s just not takin’ me there.
\nGlass Spider (00:25:31 PM): "Random Last Name!"
\nGlass Spider (00:25:43 PM): "Red Shirt!"
\nGlass Spider (00:25:55 PM): "Peepants!"
\nkaosdevice (00:26:13 PM): This has the suspense value of a really bad harlequin romance novel.
\nGlass Spider (00:26:28 PM): The paperboy in Better Off Dead was scarier than this.
\nkaosdevice (00:27:05 PM): I’m going to take a pee tell me if I miss anything, oh wait, I won\u2019t.
\nGlass Spider (00:27:08 PM): And, the calls were coming from inside the house!
\nGlass Spider (00:28:03 PM): Way to split up in the dark. Did you learn nothing from Scooby-Doo?
\nkaosdevice (00:28:37 PM): Is anything going to happen here that we actually get to see?
\nGlass Spider (00:28:47 PM): Boll saved a mint on set design and electricity.
\nkaosdevice (00:28:56 PM): This is the horror film version of a book on tape.
\nkaosdevice (00:29:34 PM): send more cops….
\nGlass Spider (00:29:41 PM): "Porn-stache! Forehead! Where are you guys?"
\nkaosdevice (00:30:05 PM): Sanchez! Get on point! Bewildered, where are you!
\nGlass Spider (00:30:17 PM): Guess the uni’s are the equivalent of redshirts in this movie.
\nGlass Spider (00:30:41 PM): Dude, it’s one of his own men.
\nGlass Spider (00:30:45 PM): Betcha.
\nkaosdevice (00:30:47 PM): I think he wants him to pick it up so he could kill him right now.
\nkaosdevice (00:31:30 PM): Ok, revision, drink when something is going on that you can’t really see.
\nGlass Spider (00:31:40 PM): I think Boll spent the money he saved on waterproof cameras.
\nkaosdevice (00:32:18 PM): is he making sweet love to that serial killer, because it sounded pretty porno.
\nGlass Spider (00:32:29 PM): Gosh, that was amazingly annoying.
\nGlass Spider (00:33:07 PM): Why does death-row serial-killer get to keep his mask on?
\nGlass Spider (00:33:47 PM): Pleatherface is terrifying. To cops, anyway.
\nkaosdevice (00:33:48 PM): why doesn’t he have a round in his skull about now?
\nkaosdevice (00:34:18 PM): I think the seed in this movie is for the tree of apathy.
\nGlass Spider (00:34:39 PM): "Signed, Grindol Calderon." Cripes, that guy writes like a doctor.
\nkaosdevice (00:35:17 PM): annnnd the electric chair they made sure to mention at the beginning.
\nGlass Spider (00:35:35 PM): The room fulla suits and freshly-peed floor are kinda scary.
\nGlass Spider (00:36:11 PM): Booooooooooored.
\nkaosdevice (00:36:19 PM): this movie left sense at the altar and ran off into the night.
\nGlass Spider (00:36:38 PM): It’s the Julia Roberts of horror movies.
\nGlass Spider (00:36:46 PM): More reason to hate it.
\nkaosdevice (00:37:05 PM): oh, it had my hate at hello.
\nGlass Spider (00:37:27 PM): Maybe Richard Gere will save us.
\nkaosdevice (00:37:48 PM): this movie would actually be IMPROVED by pigs.
\nGlass Spider (00:38:36 PM): 10 minutes of noisy fumbling in the rainy dark, and *this* is what they choose to show us in full light?
\nGlass Spider (00:39:06 PM): It’s worse those 15 minutes after last call!
\nkaosdevice (00:39:11 PM): A movie that was actually better for not being able to see what was going on.
\nkaosdevice (00:39:29 PM): that is what my brain feels like.
\nGlass Spider (00:39:50 PM): Maybe past-Michael Pare will come from The Philadelphia Experiment and save us.
\nkaosdevice (00:40:12 PM): that is just shocking
\nGlass Spider (00:40:12 PM): In the battleship, even.
\nGlass Spider (00:40:44 PM): Is this really just an argument against capital punishment?
\nkaosdevice (00:41:01 PM): an argument against good cinema perhaps.
\nGlass Spider (00:41:09 PM): Because this movie should get a lethal injection.
\nGlass Spider (00:41:27 PM): It’s killing my will to live. In cold blood.
\nGlass Spider (00:41:59 PM): Oooooo, he said the effword!
\nkaosdevice (00:42:28 PM): I just….ok…I need to gather myself and recoup from this barrage of stupid.
\nGlass Spider (00:42:42 PM): Hey! A date!
\nGlass Spider (00:43:11 PM): I guess reading can pay off.
\nkaosdevice (00:43:25 PM): Reading is fundamental
\nGlass Spider (00:43:34 PM): For kids!
\nGlass Spider (00:43:42 PM): Like Knife-wrench!
\nkaosdevice (00:44:15 PM): if only that could put the movie in that same box to be buried. I’d feel a lot better about the world.
\nGlass Spider (00:44:33 PM): I’m not sure nails would hold it in.
\nkaosdevice (00:44:38 PM): drink
\nkaosdevice (00:45:30 PM): gosh, I couldn’t POSSIBLY guess what is coming up next!
\nGlass Spider (00:45:33 PM): Give that cop a whiskey!
\nkaosdevice (00:45:40 PM): drink
\nGlass Spider (00:46:03 PM): Hear ’em trying for the Cape Fear music? It’s kinda cute, in a way.
\nGlass Spider (00:46:44 PM): This movie better get some Klieg-spots, or I’m gonna get shitfaced.
\nkaosdevice (00:46:46 PM): to give credit where credit is due, Uwe does know how to make a truly horrible movie. That is a gift.
\nGlass Spider (00:47:05 PM): He’s the Ed Wood of our time.
\nGlass Spider (00:47:16 PM): Minus the fuzzy sweaters.
\nkaosdevice (00:47:30 PM): Ed Wood is like Orson Welles compared to Uwe.
\nGlass Spider (00:48:08 PM): "We’ll print no schlock before we’re paid."
\nGlass Spider (00:48:17 PM): Drink!
\nkaosdevice (00:48:18 PM): fishsticks!
\nkaosdevice (00:48:22 PM): crap
\nGlass Spider (00:48:49 PM): The dirt was pooping caskets.
\nGlass Spider (00:49:25 PM): Hey, look; it’s Lana Lang’s child-doppelganger.
\nkaosdevice (00:49:27 PM): This movie erupted from that same earth. The soil itself rejected it.
\nGlass Spider (00:49:50 PM): The soil… soiled itself?
\nkaosdevice (00:50:01 PM): you think something bad is going to happen here? nahhhhhh.
\nkaosdevice (00:50:10 PM): drink
\nGlass Spider (00:50:18 PM): Damn.
\nGlass Spider (00:50:54 PM): Bet Ol’ Sparky kills the executioner just fine.
\nkaosdevice (00:51:08 PM): big German dude and a cigar? Ahnold? Nope just Rolph.
\nGlass Spider (00:51:14 PM): Have more Scotch, that always helps.
\nkaosdevice (00:51:26 PM): Get to de choppah!
\nGlass Spider (00:51:33 PM): Drink.
\nkaosdevice (00:52:03 PM): Are you not entertained!
\nGlass Spider (00:52:09 PM): NO!
\nkaosdevice (00:52:15 PM): me neither.
\nGlass Spider (00:52:39 PM): This flick’s going to be a sixer, for sure.
\nkaosdevice (00:52:49 PM): This movie feels like putting your head through dry wall, repeatedly.
\nGlass Spider (00:53:02 PM): Dronk!
\nGlass Spider (00:53:16 PM): Nice uprobe shot.
\nGlass Spider (00:53:51 PM): DRINK!
\nkaosdevice (00:53:51 PM): Thank god we didn’t get a naked Rolph Muller
\nGlass Spider (00:54:03 PM): Sooooo daaaark.
\nkaosdevice (00:54:38 PM): This film is going to give me alcohol poisoning.
\nGlass Spider (00:54:54 PM): Classic tongue-bite. But they’re never that crunchy. I mean c’mon.
\nGlass Spider (00:55:09 PM): Good thing it’s only beer.
\nGlass Spider (00:55:28 PM): Beer. That’s a funny word.
\nkaosdevice (00:55:29 PM): Was that supposed to be frightening? Because, well, you saw.
\nGlass Spider (00:55:33 PM): Beeeeeerrr.
\nkaosdevice (00:55:57 PM): Rooooooolph!
\nkaosdevice (00:56:11 PM): Hit it until it works!
\nGlass Spider (00:56:17 PM): Best thing about this mobie: lamps. Great fapping lamps.
\nGlass Spider (00:56:50 PM): At least Pleatherface is wasting no time killing off the conspirators.
\nkaosdevice (00:57:06 PM): What the hell is this guy supposed to be? Plus what in the world does any of this have to do with seed?
\nGlass Spider (00:57:22 PM): Um, Seed was his name.
\nGlass Spider (00:57:29 PM): Or his press-handle.
\nkaosdevice (00:57:32 PM): His last name?
\nGlass Spider (00:57:43 PM): Or who even cares any more…
\nGlass Spider (00:58:09 PM): That little girl has been the same age for 5 years.
\nkaosdevice (00:58:32 PM): Wait let me check the stupid meter. \\…………\/.\/ Almost maxed out.
\nGlass Spider (00:59:19 PM): She should be in a remake of Poltergeist. Oooo, too soon?
\nkaosdevice (00:59:31 PM): She sees stupid movies.
\nGlass Spider (00:59:45 PM): No, we do. For the greater good.
\nkaosdevice (00:59:52 PM): They are everywhere they just don’t realize it.
\nGlass Spider (01h:00:09 PM): I know Uwe doesn’t.
\nGlass Spider (01h:00:33 PM): Psuedo Cape Fear score again, wow.
\nGlass Spider (01h:00:57 PM): I wish Rober DeNiro would murder this movie.
\nkaosdevice (01h:01:37 PM): You makin’ me watch you movie? You makin’ me watch? *click* Gun out
\nGlass Spider (01h:01:46 PM): Nice. Bury the evidence.
\nkaosdevice (01h:02:08 PM): I’m thinking he was burying the script.
\nkaosdevice (01h:02:16 PM): or maybe Uwe
\nGlass Spider (01h:02:23 PM): It would be an empty coffin.
\nGlass Spider (01h:02:44 PM): Hey it’s that guy!
\nkaosdevice (01h:02:50 PM): They opened the Stargate!
\nkaosdevice (01h: 03:28 PM): I remember singing ‘My Five Cops’ as a child.
\nGlass Spider (01h: 03:31 PM): You’re questioning me and my majestic hair?
\nGlass Spider (01h: 04:06 PM): OMG, the name of the town — didja catch it?
\nGlass Spider (01h: 04:15 PM): "Sufferton."
\nkaosdevice (01h: 04:26 PM): just like us with this movie.
\nGlass Spider (01h: 04:29 PM): Says it all.
\nGlass Spider (01h: 04:40 PM): He’s tenderizing her skull.
\nkaosdevice (01h: 04:50 PM): he’s tenderizing her, for flavor!
\nGlass Spider (01h: 04:52 PM): And so am I. Beer me!
\nkaosdevice (01h: 06:03 PM): I know this is supposed to be horrific but it is really kind of dull.
\nGlass Spider (01h: 06:06 PM): I’m shocked this isn’t happening in a windowless basement like everything else in this movie.
\nGlass Spider (01h: 06:32 PM): Slow torture. Remind you of anything?
\nkaosdevice (01h: 07:07 PM): this makes me feel like what this film is doing to me.
\nGlass Spider (01h: 07:11 PM): That was sincerely gross. But it sounds like crunching on celery stalks.
\nGlass Spider (01h: 07:26 PM): Cue Cape Fear.
\nGlass Spider (01h: 08:34 PM): Were going on 5 minutes of beating her head with a kitchen mallet.
\nkaosdevice (01h:08:41 PM): yeah, we get it you are smashing her head in, Let’s drag this on as long as possible to make it whatever the hell it is supposed to be. The big penultimate scary scene. YAWN.
\nGlass Spider (01h:08:51 PM): 5… minutes. Imagine it.
\nkaosdevice (01h:09:42 PM): I’ve had bloody noses that were more disturbing to me.
\nkaosdevice (01h:10:19 PM): Uwe just.does.not.get.it.
\nGlass Spider (01h:11:09 PM): Okay, I get it. Pleatherface does his mojo in daylight, and the cops do all their deeds in the dead of night. Are we making some artsy statement here?
\nkaosdevice (01h:12:25 PM): Starsky and boredom on the case!
\nGlass Spider (01h:12:28 PM): Are we feeling kind of sorry for poor Uwe?
\nGlass Spider (01h:12:40 PM): He tries. he tries so hard.
\nGlass Spider (01h:12:59 PM): Wow, mang — dig that shag rug!
\nkaosdevice (01h:13:19 PM): Wow they had Ikea back in the 80’s?
\nGlass Spider (01h:13:21 PM): It was fanTAStic!
\nkaosdevice (01h:13:49 PM): He needs a Shamwow for that bathroom
\nGlass Spider (01h:14:25 PM): Not true to 1980; that gore-soaked bathroom would have been done in harvest gold, with way more mirrors.
\nGlass Spider (01h:14:39 PM): More faux-Fear.
\nkaosdevice (01h:14:39 PM): Is this movie ever going to end?
\nGlass Spider (01h:14:54 PM): Some day it will, Timmy. Some day.
\nkaosdevice (01h:15:00 PM): It started in the late Paleolithic.
\nGlass Spider (01h:15:31 PM): That’s fair, ’cause you’d need carbon-dating for Pare’s suit.
\nkaosdevice (01h:16:43 PM): This movie feels like someone constantly poking you in the back of the head on a long road trip.
\nGlass Spider (01h:16:54 PM): Gee, Paw, will Detective Drinky ever get his man?
\nGlass Spider (01h:17:42 PM): This movie kicked the back of my seat all the across the International Dateline.
\nkaosdevice (01h:18:31 PM): Or the viewers of this movie.
\nGlass Spider (01h:18:34 PM): Pleatherface just wants a real mask. Like Cronenberg in Nightbreed had.
\nkaosdevice (01h:19:06 PM): could this music be more strident? Is this the Lifetime channel?
\nGlass Spider (01h:19:12 PM): Pneumatic tools, now?
\nGlass Spider (01h:19:31 PM): That’s another funny word. Pneuuuumatic.
\nGlass Spider (01h:19:54 PM): Everybody dies! Yes!
\nkaosdevice (01h:20:05 PM): Oh for the love of lard.
\nGlass Spider (01h:20:19 PM): Now Boll should break the third wall and do himself in front of the camera!
\nkaosdevice (01h:20:45 PM): This is the absolutely most horrible movie ending I have ever seen.
\nGlass Spider (01h:21:05 PM): You guys reaaaaally shoulda got him that Red Ryder bee bee gun. That’s all I have to say.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[  Mood: Sick ]Seed @ Amazon Pain incarnate. ———————————- kaosdevice (9:59:57 PM): We are going to be traumatized tonight by Uwe Boll’s ‘Seed’ (2007). Save the snickering. And it starts…NOW! Glass Spider (00:00:00 PM): From Dictionary.com: boll -noun Botany. a rounded … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-21","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\t\n\t\n\t\n