The Spirit @ Amazon

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kaosdevice (00:08:05 PM): —->Tonights’ film pain inducer is The Spirit (2008) let the carnage…BEGIN!
Glass Spider (00:08:06 PM): Strap in, citizen. This could get bumpy.
kaosdevice (00:09:34 PM): Death is a skank?
Glass Spider (00:09:41 PM): It sounds like Parasite Eve.
Glass Spider (00:10:00 PM): Anyone remember that game? It was far out.
Glass Spider (00:10:16 PM): Maybe we should talk about that instead…
kaosdevice (00:10:31 PM): This movie isn’t filmed at all like Sin City except that it almost completely is.
Glass Spider (00:11:06 PM): Ohhh, and we have cheese. Cheese and we aren’t even 3 minutes in.
kaosdevice (00:11:15 PM): When a hero wears…ADIDAS! Bah-dum!
Glass Spider (00:11:26 PM): Is this a cat movie?
Glass Spider (00:11:49 PM): I didn’t know it was gonna be a cat movie.
kaosdevice (00:12:25 PM): He is kinda got bad uncle feelings about his city.
Glass Spider (00:12:35 PM): This film wants to be Sin City when it grows up.
kaosdevice (00:12:41 PM): Show me on the map where the Spirit touched you city!
Glass Spider (00:12:57 PM): The map… good lard.
Glass Spider (00:14:08 PM): Thaaaaat was disturbing. I think I’m hearing banjoes again.
Glass Spider (00:14:43 PM): A cop named Liebowitz? How progressive.
kaosdevice (00:14:50 PM): This movie is so confused it can’t pick a decade.
Glass Spider (00:15:38 PM): Slo-mo snowfall… that’ll fill up some celluloid where they forgot to put story.
kaosdevice (00:15:50 PM): And it doesn’t get any bigger than Octopus big…aside from you know, Giant Squid big.
Glass Spider (00:16:08 PM): >ping<
kaosdevice (00:16:28 PM): That guy’s job is to essentially repeat everything The Spirit says.
kaosdevice (00:16:57 PM): So was that guy trying to say she was beautiful, you know that beautiful broad who was beautiful?
Glass Spider (00:16:57 PM): She should have given him a magical sword.
kaosdevice (00:17:09 PM): To the head.
Glass Spider (00:17:22 PM): Oh, yer mean tha beautiful one?
kaosdevice (00:17:47 PM): She’s wearing her swimmin’ leathers.
Glass Spider (00:18:12 PM): Sloooo-moooooooo. Eats up lots of vacant screen time.
Glass Spider (00:18:33 PM): What’s a Balfour?
kaosdevice (00:18:36 PM): That hat is ridiculous.
Glass Spider (00:18:55 PM): It’s fantabuloso!
kaosdevice (00:19:29 PM): I even like puns and that was agony.
Glass Spider (00:19:32 PM): Is it the Spanish Inquisition?
Glass Spider (00:19:45 PM): Not even chicken and waffles?
kaosdevice (00:20:13 PM): This movie sure likes its’ stupid names and repetition of lines.
Glass Spider (00:21:11 PM): Okay, I’m buying her as the boss like I bought Denise Richards as a rocket physicist.
kaosdevice (00:21:39 PM): This makes cartoon fights look like UFC.
Glass Spider (00:21:55 PM): Oh my-flippin’-gawd, it’s like a Roadrunner cartoon.
Glass Spider (00:21:59 PM): Meep-meep.
kaosdevice (00:22:42 PM): There is more junk floating around in that lake. If he pulls out an anvil next I wouldn’t be surprised.
Glass Spider (00:22:43 PM): Trying to redefine toilet humor…
Glass Spider (00:23:11 PM): Never a good idea. See the Farrelly brothers
kaosdevice (00:23:44 PM): I’m tired of all of the muthafrakkin’ Spirits in this Muthafrakkin lake!
Glass Spider (00:23:48 PM): Anvil, hell, why not a stick of TNT with the wick already lit?
Glass Spider (00:24:39 PM): Oh, lord. I think we are looking at Sam Jackson in… blackface. Blackface. Really?
kaosdevice (00:25:09 PM): They will be learning each other? That kind of exchange of words belongs in an episode of Two and a Half Men.
Glass Spider (00:25:32 PM): Another thing that should drop Charlie Sheen.
Glass Spider (00:26:06 PM): Nice dodge.
Glass Spider (00:26:26 PM): "What year?" "This year."
kaosdevice (00:26:41 PM): Dear lord, this dialogue is like being stuck in the ear with an ice pick.
Glass Spider (00:26:49 PM): This dialogue is all wet.
Glass Spider (00:26:52 PM): Get it?
Glass Spider (00:27:06 PM): See, I can make dull, crappy puns, too.
Glass Spider (00:27:49 PM): Damn, how much pancake they trowel on that guy?
kaosdevice (00:28:08 PM): Hotdogging? They actually used that?
Glass Spider (00:28:19 PM): Looks 20 years younger. And plastic.
Glass Spider (00:28:41 PM): "Off yer rocker." Good stuff, Maynard.
kaosdevice (00:29:19 PM): Annnnd now hot shot. It is like Frank Miller consulted an english to lame movie cliché phrase book.
Glass Spider (00:29:42 PM): Dun-dun-dunh! Clunky foreshadowing, aile 12.
kaosdevice (00:30:08 PM): The growly voiceover really gives this movie the one-two punch of cliché.
Glass Spider (00:30:08 PM): Heh-heh, he said ‘bone.’
Glass Spider (00:31:16 PM): Hint to filmmaker: Don’t reference cartoons when you’re nearly one yourself.
kaosdevice (00:31:39 PM): Is this 60’s Batman? All the mooks have names on thier shirts. Where are the ‘ka-pow’ and ‘ker-shmack’ overlays?
Glass Spider (00:31:41 PM): Thought you loved eggs, brother.
Glass Spider (00:32:19 PM): Hurrah, a flashback.
kaosdevice (00:32:33 PM): This movie has no idea where or when the hell it is.
Glass Spider (00:32:49 PM): You can tell cuz he’s wearing his Newsies hat.
kaosdevice (00:33:03 PM): Extry, extry!
Glass Spider (00:33:14 PM): Readallaboudit!
Glass Spider (00:33:35 PM): And now, a song! No? Oh, well.
kaosdevice (00:33:36 PM): You like shiney things so I got you this flash light, you can turn it on and shine it in your eyes.
kaosdevice (00:34:02 PM): Notice that her name is a font?
Glass Spider (00:34:06 PM): Is this a Spike Lee joint?
Glass Spider (00:34:24 PM): Makes me wish I had one. Dayum.
Glass Spider (00:34:53 PM): He’ll grow up some day, and meet the lovely Helvetica.
Glass Spider (00:35:08 PM): She’ll be a bad girl, of course.
kaosdevice (00:35:17 PM): Wow, they are really trying to keep the fact that these two had history such a secret.
kaosdevice (00:35:53 PM): Punch-battered? He had a taste for the Hawaiian I see.
Glass Spider (00:35:54 PM): So… what, all boxers are suicidal?
Glass Spider (00:36:01 PM): Mmmmm, batter.
kaosdevice (00:36:54 PM): I’ve had colon evacuations that were more moving than that scene.
Glass Spider (00:37:13 PM): Guido? My, aren’t we politically incorrect…
Glass Spider (00:37:33 PM): Hey, they can be quite emotional.
kaosdevice (00:37:41 PM): And I’ll be an astronaut, fireman, cowgirl!
Glass Spider (00:37:58 PM): And she walks away into the… Red Dawn.
Glass Spider (00:38:03 PM): WOLVERINES!!!
kaosdevice (00:39:09 PM): They sure like saying one another’s names to each other in this movie. Which is probably a good idea, because I care so little I would forget.
Glass Spider (00:39:19 PM): Well, she didn’t get her life of diamond-studded caviar and gold-plated facelifts… Or did she?
Glass Spider (00:39:42 PM): Who keeps biting that apple?
Glass Spider (00:39:48 PM): Is it the sound guy?
kaosdevice (00:40:23 PM): It is Octo-ninja!
Glass Spider (00:41:08 PM): Okay, I would have acted in this movie just to wear Jackson’s costumes.
kaosdevice (00:41:21 PM): I think that was why he signed on.
Glass Spider (00:41:33 PM): Pericles? Heracles?
Glass Spider (00:42:04 PM): He’s like a waffle covered in maple syrup.
kaosdevice (00:42:23 PM): I can’t, I just, I….am speechless right now at the sheer stupidness I am seeing.
Glass Spider (00:42:33 PM): He’s like flypaper. With flies. And maybe a moth or two.
kaosdevice (00:43:22 PM): The golden fleas? They are itchy.
Glass Spider (00:43:55 PM): She likes all her parasites gilded.
kaosdevice (00:44:04 PM): He really likes calling people sweetheart, I don’t think he really means it.
Glass Spider (00:44:08 PM): And her men gelded.
Glass Spider (00:44:39 PM): What is an Eric Balfour?
kaosdevice (00:44:46 PM): Gad, Eva Mendes couldn’t act her way out of a soggy cardboard box.
Glass Spider (00:44:58 PM): Good thing she’s not a witch.
kaosdevice (00:45:09 PM): rendered irrelevant like this movie.
Glass Spider (00:45:26 PM): Never could, but she’s not even playing her strengths in that outfit.
Glass Spider (00:46:28 PM): A girl physician? Surgeon, no less? Really, what frapping year is this?!?
kaosdevice (00:46:42 PM): the lust is palpable, and hard to wash off. Like rotten fish.
Glass Spider (00:46:43 PM): Burn!
Glass Spider (00:46:53 PM): >gulp<
Glass Spider (00:47:02 PM): Bored now.
Glass Spider (00:47:38 PM): Under that mask is 8 square inches of unwashed flesh.
kaosdevice (00:47:42 PM): If I was hit with a shovel right now I wouldn’t be terribly sad.
Glass Spider (00:47:54 PM): Uuuuurgh. Mask-jam.
Glass Spider (00:48:10 PM): I wonder if his face smells like toes…
kaosdevice (00:48:25 PM): thaaaat was weird
kaosdevice (00:48:40 PM): Don’t do drugs! Stay in school!
kaosdevice (00:48:46 PM): He’s Mr. T now.
Glass Spider (00:48:47 PM): I feel ill. I may need liquor.
Glass Spider (00:48:57 PM): Like his testicles.
kaosdevice (00:49:18 PM): and together they fight crime!
Glass Spider (00:49:28 PM): His testicles?
Glass Spider (00:50:06 PM): A Nokia handheld?
kaosdevice (00:50:18 PM): That’s what I am saying!
Glass Spider (00:50:28 PM): What the-pardon-my-fuck?!
kaosdevice (00:50:54 PM): That gal’s accent is from central bad actor casting.
Glass Spider (00:51:16 PM): Yeeeaaah, I was trying to ignore it.
kaosdevice (00:51:42 PM): On line.
Glass Spider (00:52:06 PM): Wait… ‘bad actor’ — are you offering to contribute to the dialogue?
kaosdevice (00:52:19 PM): I woke up in the middle of the night and this movie was coming at me with a garrote and a terrifying expression. I barely got away.
Glass Spider (00:52:37 PM): And made a little fraidy-pee?
kaosdevice (00:52:44 PM): big fraidy-pee
kaosdevice (00:52:52 PM): had to throw the pants away
Glass Spider (00:52:54 PM): And untied my hands…
Glass Spider (00:53:10 PM): He liked his boys tied.
Glass Spider (00:54:02 PM): Wow. If her mouth contorted any harder around that accent, she’d be a porn-star.
kaosdevice (00:54:13 PM): I think one of the training points the actors went through in rehearsal was "Repeat everything twice, it adds impact!"
Glass Spider (00:54:34 PM): "Yeah, yeah. I’m hip, I’m hip!"
Glass Spider (00:55:04 PM): Finally, Eva’s best feature.
Glass Spider (00:55:31 PM): Like an onion! Make ya cry, that booty.
kaosdevice (00:56:06 PM): You know what this movie needs, more pointless voiceovers.
Glass Spider (00:56:16 PM): "My flapping red tie makes me extra mysterious!"
Glass Spider (00:57:07 PM): It’s not wearing a shirt with its name on it, so that’s an improvement.
kaosdevice (00:57:09 PM): From ninja to scientist in 60 seconds!
Glass Spider (00:57:56 PM): I feel your pain, Samuel J.
Glass Spider (00:58:24 PM): "Gots ta be somebody needs killin’!"
kaosdevice (00:58:25 PM): Find me my test tube, it is the one that says bad mother frakker.
Glass Spider (00:58:56 PM): He’s cool like Fonzie.
kaosdevice (00:59:06 PM): ayyyyy!
Glass Spider (00:59:40 PM): Hey, no shite movie’s complete without a midget bellboy!
kaosdevice (01:00:04 PM): hey! The one decent part of this movie.
Glass Spider (01:00:23 PM): Ohhhh, that’s what an Eric Bal’s-four.
kaosdevice (01:00:54 PM): She should do less talking and more walking around naked.
Glass Spider (01:01:06 PM): I’m not bad. I just act badly… sigh.
Glass Spider (01:01:20 PM): A-greed!
kaosdevice (01:01:34 PM): kinky thing you.
kaosdevice (01:01:54 PM): It wasn’t supposed to be a vaaahz it was supposed to be a vase.
Glass Spider (01:01:56 PM): The tragic part is this movie doesn’t know how campy it could be.
Glass Spider (01:02:49 PM): Hooray! He’s gonna die — or not.
kaosdevice (01:02:56 PM): oh the hilarity in this scene could be cut with a sledgehammer.
Glass Spider (01:03:20 PM): I’m with the ignorant mob: "Jump! Jump! Jump!"
kaosdevice (01:03:40 PM): I’ve been saying that to this movie since the beginning.
Glass Spider (01:04:12 PM): He’s McGruber!
kaosdevice (01:04:22 PM): You got it McSpirit!
Glass Spider (01:04:53 PM): Best use of pants in this flick.
Glass Spider (01:05:26 PM): I prefer forgiving pavement. But I’ll never forgive this movie.
Glass Spider (01:05:41 PM): That frapping cat, again?
kaosdevice (01:05:53 PM): You’ve got to be kidding, reverse acrobatics up a fire escape? That makes as much sense as anything else though in this movie I suppose.
Glass Spider (01:05:56 PM): He shouldn’t talk that way about his mother.
kaosdevice (01:06:29 PM): This movie is to cats what that first movie was to pigs.
Glass Spider (01:06:34 PM): Oh, that’s why the cat’s here. So it can bury this movie.
Glass Spider (01:07:09 PM): Litterbox clumps of dialogue sear my bare ears!
Glass Spider (01:07:25 PM): I’m a frappin’ poet, dammit!
kaosdevice (01:07:29 PM): Ok, I’m taking a drink every time I see a cat, maybe it will make the pain less.
Glass Spider (01:07:45 PM): Dang, that’s what I’m missin’.
kaosdevice (01:08:58 PM): What a heartfelt scene. And by heartfelt I mean like in burning pain.
kaosdevice (01:09:27 PM): That smell is me grinding my teeth.
Glass Spider (01:09:31 PM): I think that may be the spirit of this movie trying to communicate with us.
Glass Spider (01:10:14 PM): "You’re sooo weeeary. Let me hold yoooou."
kaosdevice (01:10:32 PM): It’s the dance of knives and cleavage!
kaosdevice (01:10:46 PM): oh…dear…lord.
Glass Spider (01:10:55 PM): And we have completely abandoned any semblance of sense, again.
Glass Spider (01:11:03 PM): Just in time, I see.
kaosdevice (01:11:42 PM): Jackson in Nazi gear, this movie just run up and hit me between the eyes with a baton.
Glass Spider (01:11:43 PM): Samuel L. has more costumes than a drag revue.
Glass Spider (01:12:23 PM): "Heads up!"
Glass Spider (01:12:30 PM): Aaaaaaaaa-men!
kaosdevice (01:12:35 PM): There are Cat 5 Hurricanes that are less overblown than Jackson’s acting here.
Glass Spider (01:13:04 PM): And yet, he’s the very best thing about this utter waste of time.
kaosdevice (01:13:24 PM): I think the core themes of this movie are cats, repeating lines and hats.
Glass Spider (01:13:26 PM): Not disco?
Glass Spider (01:13:38 PM): Oh, soooo many hats.
kaosdevice (01:13:55 PM): So he is Re-Animator?
kaosdevice (01:14:09 PM): oh and eggs.
Glass Spider (01:14:14 PM): He does love his eggs.
Glass Spider (01:15:01 PM): Niagara Falls! Slowly I turned….!
kaosdevice (01:15:23 PM): This couldn’t be more stupid than if it was lobotomized.
Glass Spider (01:15:28 PM): Now he’s Uma Thurman?
kaosdevice (01:16:02 PM): The hand bursting through the ground? What is next, him on his knees in the rain going ‘nooooo!’
Glass Spider (01:16:07 PM): This movie stole more stuff than a ponzi scheme.
kaosdevice (01:17:06 PM): I could you know, wash their towels, rub lotion on their shoulders, think tender thoughts..
Glass Spider (01:17:21 PM): I guess the real tragedy is that I could stop this torture at any time, yet we let it go on.
Glass Spider (01:17:36 PM): If he says vase that way one more time…
Glass Spider (01:17:43 PM): Niagara Falls!
kaosdevice (01:17:46 PM): We’re doing this for the people Spidey, suck it up.
Glass Spider (01:18:28 PM): Can’t we just watch Unbreakable again, instead?
Glass Spider (01:18:44 PM): Cat! Drink!
kaosdevice (01:18:44 PM): That can’t is going to kill me.
kaosdevice (01:18:49 PM): cat
Glass Spider (01:19:03 PM): Cat!
kaosdevice (01:19:27 PM): I’ve never been happier to see a cat melt.
Glass Spider (01:19:34 PM): Are your allergies acting up, yet?
Glass Spider (01:20:01 PM): All the murder and mayhem, and he’s avenging a cat?
Glass Spider (01:20:49 PM): Aaaaa-men!
Glass Spider (01:21:17 PM): Oh, that could sooo be interpreted the wrong way.
kaosdevice (01:21:22 PM): ooooof course he did her as well.
Glass Spider (01:21:42 PM): Her name is Paris?
kaosdevice (01:21:51 PM): Plaster of Paris
kaosdevice (01:22:08 PM): He is fighting for cats everywhere.
Glass Spider (01:22:55 PM): Thank goodness there aren’t any Chinese in this movie.
kaosdevice (01:22:55 PM): For caring about his city he is really willing to cause infrastructure damage.
Glass Spider (01:23:23 PM): Old broad could use a facelift, maybe.
kaosdevice (01:23:31 PM): This angel of death thing is really getting old.
Glass Spider (01:23:48 PM): Aw, maaaan, the movie’s talkin’ to us again.
Glass Spider (01:23:59 PM): I’m really creeped out.
kaosdevice (01:24:20 PM): This movie did really need to up its drunken bum content.
Glass Spider (01:24:32 PM): Next it’ll be offering to put us out of our misery.
Glass Spider (01:24:34 PM): Cat!
Glass Spider (01:25:06 PM): This movie names at least 38 better films in its dialogue alone.
kaosdevice (01:25:09 PM): So even death has the hots for him.
Glass Spider (01:25:22 PM): "No more pain"? I’m in!
kaosdevice (01:25:23 PM): UGH!
Glass Spider (01:25:40 PM): It wants his ‘spirit’. Gross.
kaosdevice (01:25:52 PM): Someone took a bedazzler to her forehead.
Glass Spider (01:26:08 PM): That you don’t have to watch this movie any more?
kaosdevice (01:27:26 PM): This guy chases more booty than a pirate fleet.
Glass Spider (01:27:27 PM): ‘Sand’ Serif? Geddit?
kaosdevice (01:27:57 PM): We could remove everything from you but that stupid mask.
Glass Spider (01:28:13 PM): And it smells like feet.
kaosdevice (01:28:27 PM): he’s got an idea for him to use on Twitter?
Glass Spider (01:28:39 PM): I think that cop just tried to tell us he’s on Twitter.
Glass Spider (01:29:13 PM): Dressed for skankin’!
kaosdevice (01:29:17 PM): Is this going to be a stripper fight?
Glass Spider (01:29:33 PM): Oh, please, oh please, oh please!
Glass Spider (01:29:46 PM): I need that cat.
Glass Spider (01:30:07 PM): Never a waste of time when the chicks are dressed like that.
Glass Spider (01:30:12 PM): With penises!
Glass Spider (01:30:23 PM): Ohhh, that came out all wrong.
kaosdevice (01:30:30 PM): This movie is as subtle as parking lot flasher.
kaosdevice (01:31:06 PM): It’s the case from the trunk of the car in Repo Man!
Glass Spider (01:31:12 PM): Speaking of flashers, I think the DVD should be equipped with hazard lights.
kaosdevice (01:31:36 PM): I think the DVD should ship with a vial of cyanide.
kaosdevice (01:31:55 PM): excuse me. A vaaaahz of cyanide.
Glass Spider (01:32:22 PM): So he’ll say, "vaaahz," but he quibbles over how to say Hercules?
Glass Spider (01:32:33 PM): Cat!
kaosdevice (01:33:15 PM): This is like Sergio Leone from the dimension of idiotic.
Glass Spider (01:33:16 PM): Another snazzy coat and hat for Samuel L.
Glass Spider (01:33:39 PM): Hat!
Glass Spider (01:33:48 PM): Ooops, false alarm.
Glass Spider (01:33:50 PM): Cat!
Glass Spider (01:34:06 PM): Eyebrows by Vanilla Ice.
kaosdevice (01:34:16 PM): cat
Glass Spider (01:34:33 PM): >buuuurp<
kaosdevice (01:35:00 PM): WHAT! Is this the final level of Doom all of a sudden?
Glass Spider (01:35:18 PM): That guy’s shirt said Dildos.
Glass Spider (01:35:21 PM): Nuff said.
Glass Spider (01:35:44 PM): Nice shootin’, deadeye.
Glass Spider (01:36:26 PM): Again with the eggs.
kaosdevice (01:36:33 PM): This gun fight had more wasted rounds than a frat party full of non drinkers.
kaosdevice (01:37:07 PM): And we get the ark of the covenant.
Glass Spider (01:37:08 PM): It’s the case from Pulp Fiction.
kaosdevice (01:37:26 PM): Sam Jackson is going to come back as Dr. Manhattan.
Glass Spider (01:37:27 PM): Aw, man. I just shot Marvin in the face.
Glass Spider (01:37:56 PM): A 14 on the WTF-scale.
kaosdevice (01:38:17 PM): Checking the sense-o-meter. Yup reading a zero.
Glass Spider (01:38:19 PM): "What smells like feet?"
Glass Spider (01:38:54 PM): Like kissin’ a corpse.
kaosdevice (01:38:55 PM): Cue the fog machines! For no good reason!
kaosdevice (01:39:15 PM): Aw poor miss lonelyheart.
kaosdevice (01:39:37 PM): Again with the hat.
Glass Spider (01:39:37 PM): Eva pouts well.
Glass Spider (01:39:44 PM): Hat!
kaosdevice (01:40:15 PM): That guy has grimacing down to a science.
kaosdevice (01:41:27 PM): Please release us movie, we never did anything to you! let us go!
Glass Spider (01:41:39 PM): Don’t ask about my other exes — Lucida, Corsiva, Verdana, and Wingdings.
kaosdevice (01:42:15 PM): Man he is really creepy about his city.
Glass Spider (01:42:17 PM): Stolen directly from Sin City.
Glass Spider (01:42:30 PM): I think we are done.
Glass Spider (01:42:56 PM): Man, made a mockery of a once-decent song, too.
kaosdevice (01:43:07 PM): That movie was antibiotic resistant.
Glass Spider (01:43:19 PM): I’m itchy.

[  Mood: Fed Up WIth Life ]
We have picked the next beating. We aen’t happy about it but seriously, we are trying to protect you people.

CD is fixin’ up to watch ‘The Spirit’ Sunday night. Yeah, we expect it is going to be as bad as critics say, but we are going to bite down and be brutalized by this film.

You will thank us when you don’t watch it. Movie gods forbid though and you want to join us, leave a comment.

[  Mood: Embarrased ]
Dear god stay away from this. This is KaosDevice reporting by the way. Few people are larger fans of the work of H.P. Lovecraft than I am. I’ve been obsessed with the dude since I was knee high to a chipmunk. So I’ve been curious about this movie that has been in the works, then vanished into the mist only to reappear for quite some time.

It is truly, truly awful. It not only does a disservice to the Mythos, it is complete tripe as well. I made it through the whole pile of disappointment only to come out the other end wishing there was a mental equivalent of those eyewash stations they have in places that deal with hazardous chemicals.

On behalf of CinemaDestructo I would like to place an official ‘unwatchable’ sign on this film. Don’t go near and look elsewhere for your Lovecraft. Like the far better adaptation of ‘Shadow over Innsmouth’, ‘Dagon’.

[  Mood: Very Sad ]
Dying Breed @ Amazon

One of us actually fell asleep at the end of this. It was that lame. This was a very rough outing for the team.

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GlassSpider (00:00:05 ): Witness our strength as we eat while viewing this work of fart.
kaosdevice (00:00:45 ): tiger, tiger burning bright
GllassSpider (00:00:52 ): Tasmanian Tiger sighting, ahoy!
GlassSpider (00:01:35 ): Oh, BTW, also based on/ inspired by true events…
kaosdevice (00:02:03 ): In the tiresome long ago people hunted things, and there was much apathy.
GlassSpider (00:02:14 ): Verily!
kaosdevice (00:02:47 ): this guy has got to much whiskey and too little intelligibility.
GlassSpider (00:03:11 ): Why, oh why do all cannibals have such poor dental hygiene?
kaosdevice (00:03:43 ): well, they have terrible dental plans
GlassSpider (00:04:26 ): Not to mention, dinner plans.
GlassSpider (00:04:56 ): Pretty credits. Think they broke the bank?
GlassSpider (00:06:20 ): Giving us things to read is no substitute for actual engagement.
kaosdevice (00:06:27 ): Aw movie, are you really going to start like this? Lame entry, uninteresting characters, lots of kiwi accents?
kaosdevice (00:08:14 ): Spidey’s computer hated this movie so much it killed her connection.
GlassSpider (00:11:33 ): I think that’s the same cafe from Death Proof. Is there only one diner in all of the down under?
kaosdevice (00:12:41 ): need a ham?
GlassSpider (00:12:48 ): Got one.
GlassSpider (00:13:04 ): I guess Aussies don’t believe in film scores.
kaosdevice (00:13:23 ): CSI New Zealand
GlassSpider (00:13:45 ): Um, gross. Gag me with an eel.
GlassSpider (00:14:12 ): Somebody call Andrew Zimmern!
kaosdevice (00:14:16 ): Its moron cam! New reality show.
GlassSpider (00:14:49 ): After the break, we stick forks in wall outlets. Stay tuned!
kaosdevice (00:15:33 ): every other word in this move is OI! It is like being at a cross between a soccer match and the wailing wall.
kaosdevice (00:16:41 ): its j horror kiwi style! K-Horror!
GlassSpider (00:16:59 ): Tannin! Not tannin!!! Setting up for a big reveal later… unless you know some things about stuff. Pretty basic.
kaosdevice (00:18:10 ): he says it is all very interesting, but he isn’t watching the same movie we are.
kaosdevice (00:18:47 ): oh, nice try at humor there movie, that was adorable.
GlassSpider (00:18:47 ): This confirms nothing more than the fact that Tasmanians were drunk when they named everything. That "tiger" looks like a hyena.
kaosdevice (00:19:33 ): well when Tasmania was settled they called every thing either tiger or devil.
GlassSpider (00:19:40 ): And here’s the liquor.
GlassSpider (00:19:53 ): Or dragon.
kaosdevice (00:20:36 ): Hey it is another collection of redneck with pigs. Why am I sensing a CD theme here?
GlassSpider (00:20:57 ): "Yew ain’t from around here, are ye?"
kaosdevice (00:21:12 ): Any pigs in here?
kaosdevice (00:21:24 ): Nope, just tortured people.
kaosdevice (00:21:44 ): let’s have a beah!
GlassSpider (00:21:58 ): Yipe. Ice cream sundae to bloody root canal. Gosh… scary.
GlassSpider (00:22:22 ): That’s like the pot and the kettle.
kaosdevice (00:22:48 ): let’s find the crappiest most menacing bar on the side of the road and take a stop there!
GlassSpider (00:23:06 ): Oy! That loo is bleedin’ filthy! Terrifying.
kaosdevice (00:23:36 ): Ok so this woman is going to spend the whole damn movie talking about her dead sister…awesome
GlassSpider (00:23:55 ): Better make friends with that cockroach. May be eating it later.
kaosdevice (00:24:09 ): like a femur
GlassSpider (00:24:21 ): Zing!
kaosdevice (00:24:54 ): we Tasmania rednecks only speak in single words.
kaosdevice (00:25:27 ): and by odd I mean you lot.
kaosdevice (00:26:12 ): lots of bad dancing in Tasmania.
GlassSpider (00:26:21 ): Tell Janet they’re ready to show us more… folk dancing. Dammit.
GlassSpider (00:27:12 ): Good doggie. Dingos stole my baby!
GlassSpider (00:27:31 ): And my interest… huh? What?
kaosdevice (00:27:42 ): Yay boobs!
kaosdevice (00:27:49 ): Or not so much.
GlassSpider (00:28:03 ): Nudity, and it only took half an hour.
GlassSpider (00:28:18 ): Only booty. Sorry.
kaosdevice (00:28:34 ): I wouldn’t call that nudity, sort of lame-ity
GlassSpider (00:28:59 ): Well, maybe a square ass is better than none at all.
kaosdevice (00:29:06 ): will to live slowly slipping away.
GlassSpider (00:29:22 ): They keep talkin’ ’bout pie, and I’m gonna lose my patience.
kaosdevice (00:29:52 ): are they fighting or frakking?
kaosdevice (00:30:40 ): she heard someone watching them?
GlassSpider (00:30:59 ): How do we keep getting sex scenes without a single titty? Those things used to be staples in every single R-rated movie ever made.
GlassSpider (00:31:10 ): Listen… Do you smell something?
kaosdevice (00:31:34 ): I miss those naughty days.
GlassSpider (00:32:13 ): Even a buddy-cop flick had at least one gratuitous boob cam. Now, hell.
kaosdevice (00:32:23 ): I bet that would have been horrifying if you could have seen what the hell was going on.
GlassSpider (00:32:32 ): Let’s have some exploitation, dammit.
GlassSpider (00:32:49 ): Aaaaand, scene!
GlassSpider (00:33:23 ): Know what this movie needs? A laugh-track!
kaosdevice (00:33:40 ): Sweet now we get the Blair Stupid Project
GlassSpider (00:33:43 ): And maybe some Benny Hill music.
kaosdevice (00:34:20 ): If I’m bloody the first thing I do is wipe my face with it.
GlassSpider (00:35:34 ): Well, for Chrissakes, if you’re gonna imply incestuous animal mutant offspring, why can’t you smucking SHOW IT?!?
kaosdevice (00:36:31 ): They are going for Kiwi Deliverance now it seems.
GlassSpider (00:36:36 ): I’m about to weep from boredom. It’s actually making me kinda, um, homicidal.
GlassSpider (00:37:02 ): They gave us a hint when the fella started humming Dueling Banjoes
kaosdevice (00:37:25 ): yeah, the subtlety here is incredible.
GlassSpider (00:37:43 ): Like a brick to the face, yup.
kaosdevice (00:38:28 ): I’ve had strikes to the head with cinderblocks that were more entertaining.
GlassSpider (00:38:35 ): Yeah, never bring a weapon when you’re headed into the untamed wilds.
GlassSpider (00:38:46 ): It’s just gauche.
kaosdevice (00:39:01 ): token American
GlassSpider (00:39:26 ): I do believe this movie’s too prissy to say the work "dick."
GlassSpider (00:39:42 ): How ’bout "yank?"
GlassSpider (00:40:45 ): It would make a pretty setting for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon.
GlassSpider (00:41:18 ): How would you know if "nobody’s ever seen" these places before, girlie?
GlassSpider (00:42:06 ): This Jack guy’s about 13, emotionally and intellectually.
kaosdevice (00:42:18 ): really movie, you are not only going to steal ideas from other movies, you are going to suck at it and also THEN reference the movies you are swiping from?
GlassSpider (00:42:48 ): Better to "pay homage" than pay legal fees.
GlassSpider (00:43:09 ): Oooooh, moos-porn.
GlassSpider (00:43:20 ): *moss*
kaosdevice (00:43:33 ): This film is paying homage the way the Monkees did to the Beatles.
GlassSpider (00:43:48 ): By flinging feces?
kaosdevice (00:44:01 ): if only
GlassSpider (00:44:04 ): Oh, wait, that’s monkeys.
kaosdevice (00:44:53 ): I think this movie beat me up when I was in middle school and ran off when I was laying there bleeding.
GlassSpider (00:45:20 ): You grow up in Mick Dundee’s back forty, and act surprised when you meet a real-live caveman?
GlassSpider (00:45:25 ): Duck season!
GlassSpider (00:46:01 ): Rabbit season!
GlassSpider (00:46:13 ): Duckseason — FIRE!!
kaosdevice (00:46:31 ): Oh that was…"funny" on their part.
GlassSpider (00:46:35 ): Yay. Guts-humor.
GlassSpider (00:47:08 ): Is the siter a "wee bit psychic?"
GlassSpider (00:47:53 ): [ssnoooooore]
kaosdevice (00:48:08 ): They missed the part in film school where they tried to explain that being disconcerting is different from being pointless.
GlassSpider (00:48:42 ): Hey, a few more crosses on that wall, please. I didn’t quite get the point.
kaosdevice (00:49:07 ): they don’t want to loose their stinky child!!
GlassSpider (00:49:27 ): It’s the smell! The terrifying smell…!
GlassSpider (00:49:53 ): Like curried sweatsocks soaked in old orange juice?
GlassSpider (00:50:23 ): Tell us what the movie tastes like, next.
kaosdevice (00:51:00 ): why do bad movies always have the longest running times? Watching this makes a sucking chest wound sound like a short term problem.
GlassSpider (00:51:05 ): It’s a… "tiger." Like I’m a… "scientist."
GlassSpider (00:51:29 ): Oh, if only that were true.
GlassSpider (00:51:57 ): Heeere, plot-plot-plot…
kaosdevice (00:52:01 ): it’s a Tasmanian slightly large Labrador!
GlassSpider (00:52:46 ): Looks like a coyote humped a zebra. And all the recessive genes won out.
GlassSpider (00:52:59 ): *Flourish!*
GlassSpider (00:53:05 ): Still not scary.
kaosdevice (00:53:18 ): this movie needs to go on walkabout in search of a point.
GlassSpider (00:53:45 ): Bimbo, of the Nine Fingers… And the Dog of Doom….
kaosdevice (00:53:48 ): wow that was a scary as a head cold.
GlassSpider (00:54:27 ): At least no one will accuse the waif of over-acting.
kaosdevice (00:54:35 ): gross sound effects do not a terror scene make.
GlassSpider (00:55:02 ): The cannibal knows about "good parts," at least.
kaosdevice (00:55:14 ): is that kid the same one from our last beating?
GlassSpider (00:55:28 ): First the tongue and cheeks, then the nethers…
kaosdevice (00:55:54 ): now they are going to turn against one another!
GlassSpider (00:56:02 ): I’m the caveman! Show me!
kaosdevice (00:56:15 ): that is some good writing there cap’n
GlassSpider (00:56:22 ): Ooog! Oog-ugh!
kaosdevice (00:56:46 ): the movie is yelling for you there GS
GlassSpider (00:57:11 ): I thought they were yelling "Bear!" Who can tell?
GlassSpider (00:57:15 ): Or care?
GlassSpider (00:57:42 ): Don’t pet the feral child.
GlassSpider (00:58:14 ): Ooooh, if looks could wound.
kaosdevice (00:58:16 ): I feel like this movie is holding a gun to my head, and I wish it would pull the trigger
GlassSpider (00:58:33 ): Well, the actors are scared.
kaosdevice (00:58:34 ): Rebecker? One of the main cultural differences is every name ends with and ‘er’.
kaosdevice (00:58:56 ): Did she beck again?
GlassSpider (00:58:59 ): When the first Becker wasn’t enough…
kaosdevice (00:59:35 ): This flick loves its moist sound effects.
GlassSpider (00:59:52 ): Lord, not the toes! Foot fetishists are going to be so disturbed.
GlassSpider (01:00:26 ): And so they’re cannibals — What, they never heard of barbecue?
kaosdevice (01:00:35 ): What is with this Irish accent in all the kiwi?
GlassSpider (01:00:50 ): Throw another pimp on the barbie? anyone?
GlassSpider (01:01:21 ): I mean, why do they always eat ’em raw?
kaosdevice (01:01:54 ): he used to play in the miners (not minors!)
GlassSpider (01:02:07 ): Well let’s hope.
GlassSpider (01:02:40 ): Notice: "man"-trap. Not "bear"-trap.
kaosdevice (01:02:45 ): hopefully he’ll bring them out of the other side of this movie. In a very short amount of time.
GlassSpider (01:02:53 ): Oh, I got the vapors!
GlassSpider (01:03:10 ): Don’t hold your breath.
kaosdevice (01:03:32 ): I want that hacksaw from the last movie.
GlassSpider (01:04:30 ): Yeah. And the pliers.
GlassSpider (01:06:10 ): Seriously, loud sound-edits and pointy teeth are not the same as interesting content.
GlassSpider (01:06:30 ): Bleeding gums are scary, but only in the mirror.
kaosdevice (01:06:33 ): movie you are killing me, and not in the fun joking way.
GlassSpider (01:07:32 ): This film has no balls.
GlassSpider (01:07:43 ): It is a eunuch.
kaosdevice (01:08:09 ): Oinedja hair? Huh? What language was that?
kaosdevice (01:08:33 ): He can walk! He is a big boy!
GlassSpider (01:08:56 ): It’s loik cultchah, mate!
GlassSpider (01:09:39 ): oh, beer… you never let me down.
GlassSpider (01:09:56 ): Not like this dorky schlock-fest.
kaosdevice (01:10:03 ): “Because it is reck smal ma skiddly do.” *translated from the faux-English
GlassSpider (01:11:12 ): Those are wool-shears. They should not have blood on them. Nor should my ears, but oh well.
kaosdevice (01:11:42 ): This movie ate its own young in order to survive.
GlassSpider (01:11:51 ): Hmm, what’s in the steaming kettle? More plot?
GlassSpider (01:12:23 ): It survived? I thought it died an hour ago.
kaosdevice (01:12:45 ): It’s a lot of boiled kiwi fruit and the dying desire for me to want to live.
GlassSpider (01:13:33 ): Finally some rude flesh, and it’s on a butchered torso. Cheap, movie… really cheap.
kaosdevice (01:13:39 ): A huge change in volume does not equal scary at all ever.
GlassSpider (01:14:16 ): Old man was right, sort of… it’s an Ape-man-trap.
GlassSpider (01:14:28 ): *gurgle*
kaosdevice (01:15:10 ): they must have spent a lot of cash on that latex cast of the nude chick, they keep using it so much.
kaosdevice (01:16:13 ): The New Zealand Lameass Massacre!
GlassSpider (01:16:33 ): Golly, we’re so enthralled, we’re arguing over playback quality.
GlassSpider (01:18:37 ): Oh, yeah. Take us back into the dark so we can’t see how you ran out of movie half an hour ago.
kaosdevice (01:18:43 ): The only way this movie could put me to sleep more is if it was a comfy bed.
GlassSpider (01:19:32 ): Like Blair Witch, only without the great camera-work.
kaosdevice (01:19:48 ): because when you are running there is always a rock to fall on.
GlassSpider (01:20:12 ): Give us Wrong Turn. Give us Jeppers Creepers.
GlassSpider (01:20:51 ): Give us Cabin Fever or Space Chimps.
kaosdevice (01:22:20 ): I wish I was her with the jumping
GlassSpider (01:22:24 ): Or the sweet release of death.
GlassSpider (01:23:17 ): Aaaand, anti-climax.
kaosdevice (01:23:42 ): blurry doesn’t equal ‘artsy’. At least it is almost over. Ok I need to drop the equals running gag, I’m getting as lame as this movie.
GlassSpider (01:23:45 ): This flick should have jumped off that bridge.
GlassSpider (01:24:45 ): Everyone’s offing themselves except the guilty one — Talkin’ ’bout you, movie.
GlassSpider (01:25:28 ): If your movie needs an epilogue, it probably didn’t work.
kaosdevice (01:25:55 ): uncle lead (<—KD actually falls asleep here.)
GlassSpider (01:26:37 ): My pathway heaps lost the ability taw type.
GlassSpider (01:26:57 ): Thinking’ he’s gone daft.
GlassSpider (01:27:39 ): A hale and hearty WTF is in order.
GlassSpider (01:27:57 ): Except that I don’t care any more.
GlassSpider (01:28:35 ): Oh, now it’s time for backwoods man-rape. I get it.
GlassSpider (01:29:13 ): So it’s all been a statement against inbreeding?
GlassSpider (01:29:52 ): It’s The Mute, the Dumb and the Stupid!
GlassSpider (01:30:23 ): They must have paid these actors by the word.
GlassSpider (01:30:49 ): And, more reading.
GlassSpider (01:31:03 ): Gosh. I’m moved.
GlassSpider (01:31:26 ): And KD’s snoring. Literally. Man down! Man down!
GlassSpider (01:31:40 ): OMG, there’s MORE?!?!?
GlassSpider (01:32:05 ): IT’S OVER! Sort of!
GlassSpider (01:32:32 ): Not recommended for anyone, but special warning to epileptics.
kaosdevice (01:32:32 ): It was the dullest thing ever
GlassSpider (01:34:15 ): Wow. A feast of suck. Followed by dreadfully boring, a la mode.
GlassSpider (01:36:07 ): Damn. A la mode makes me want pie again.[img]

We are going to try and get some hooch in us to ease the anguish this film will cause. Then its going to be some red beans & rice and honey hot sauce chicken to try and burn the terror of this movie out of our souls. Eyes on the blog later and you will be able to read our tale of agony. Coming up…’Dying Breed’.

The next film for the CinemaDestructo team is a horrible looking flick called ‘Dying Breed’ featuring, apparently, cannibals and tasmanian tigers. Or perhaps cannibalistic tasmanian tigers. We aren’t entirely sure. Either way we will probably be carried away from this movie on stretchers to die a slow death while attached to various life support devices. But hey, at least you won’t have to watch this film.

Look for us Sunday night and if you want in on the action (and nobody in their right mind really should, we do this because we have some deep seated issues. so it’s this or razor cuts to the forearms) leave a message here and we will let you know the specifics.

[  Mood: Sick ]
Wherein the CD team watches ‘Slaughter’. Ugh.

———————————————

kaosdevice (8:30:24 PM): ‘Slaughter’ 2009-written and directed by some guy you don’t know and starring a whole cast of people you don’t and will never care about. The agony (ours anyway) staaaaaaaaarts, now.
kaosdevice (8:31:02 PM): Hey it’s LOST!
GlassSpider (8:31:33 PM): Watch; bet this song ends up being the best thing about it.
GlassSpider (8:32:21 PM): And not a single name I recognize…
kaosdevice (8:32:21 PM): Is that Alvin & the Chipmunks?
GlassSpider (8:33:04 PM): My head hurts already.
kaosdevice (8:34:00 PM): This would be menacing if they figured out how to focus their damn cameras.
GlassSpider (8:34:38 PM): Of course it’s a true story. Why wouldn’t it be?
kaosdevice (8:35:24 PM): It’s based on true events. In that people do things, and say things to one another when things are going on. And are mamals
GlassSpider (8:35:35 PM): Yup, music’s shrill and lame.
GlassSpider (8:36:27 PM): Oooooh, and uneven.
kaosdevice (8:36:52 PM): Hey it’s a club with the Faux-Bauhaus! Soon to be followed by Faux-Siouxie & the Banshees!
GlassSpider (8:37:00 PM): Underage drinking. These ho’s are dead.
kaosdevice (8:38:01 PM): I think she is trying to say that other girl should have called and sucks? I dunno, this sort of complex dialogue is so hard to unravel.
GlassSpider (8:38:29 PM): Foreshadowing, of course.
GlassSpider (8:38:46 PM): Weird interests — like sex with a horse?
GlassSpider (8:39:23 PM): Lola… does that mean she’s a boy?
kaosdevice (8:39:45 PM): Sheesh could the volume be more all over the place on this, I’ve seen infomercials that had more subtle audio cues.
GlassSpider (8:40:05 PM): With that forehead, no way she’s young enough to need fake I.D.
kaosdevice (8:40:21 PM): female pattern baldness, always a shame.
kaosdevice (8:40:52 PM): sweet now we get faux-Bob Dylan.
GlassSpider (8:41:29 PM): Yay! A stalker-ex!
kaosdevice (8:41:47 PM): what a plot twist!
GlassSpider (8:41:58 PM): Call M. Night!
kaosdevice (8:42:53 PM): evidentally as soon as you leave New York everyone has a southern accent.
GlassSpider (8:43:08 PM): Okay, I’m a city-girl… but what the hell is on that horse’e head?
GlassSpider (8:43:38 PM): "Mmmmm, girls…"
kaosdevice (8:44:16 PM): squeel like a pig for me boy!
GlassSpider (8:44:16 PM): Nice sound-edit.
GlassSpider (8:45:02 PM): Farm-Girl’s accent is slipping… She must walk into a lotta doors.
kaosdevice (8:45:33 PM): Who knew Albany was south of the Mason-Dixon?
GlassSpider (8:45:44 PM): That’s one skinny, swaybacked nag.
kaosdevice (8:45:53 PM): Who the actress?
GlassSpider (8:46:01 PM): Ha-ha!
GlassSpider (8:46:33 PM): Girl love? What the heck, man?
kaosdevice (8:46:52 PM): Ah just a couple of crazy kids hanging out in their underthings.
GlassSpider (8:47:14 PM): Wait, are we in Japan, now?
kaosdevice (8:47:43 PM): That would make about as much sense as anything else we’ve seen.
GlassSpider (8:47:49 PM): Maybe she’s a flight attendant.
GlassSpider (8:48:32 PM): Pizza man! Dunt-dunt-dahhhhhh!!!
kaosdevice (8:48:44 PM): What’s next? Landshark?
GlassSpider (8:48:51 PM): Unicef.
GlassSpider (8:48:59 PM): Candygram.
kaosdevice (8:49:44 PM): I’m going to flee my stalker ex by going out into the country and shoveling manure!
GlassSpider (8:49:48 PM): I’m sure she’s got plenty of culture of her own.
GlassSpider (8:50:06 PM): Think petri dish.
kaosdevice (8:50:24 PM): anti-biotics.
GlassSpider (8:50:50 PM): It wasn’t painful enough, now we have to endure Carmen?
GlassSpider (8:51:24 PM): Mumble-mumble-mutter-mutter-something suave and age-inappropriate.
kaosdevice (8:51:37 PM): They can go from a barn to a European style opera house in 30 seconds? What the hell?
GlassSpider (8:52:01 PM): Soooo, she’s an escort? An unpaid escort?
GlassSpider (8:52:45 PM): My interest has receded farther than this guy’s hairline.
kaosdevice (8:52:58 PM): You know what would be awesome, is if this movie actually went somewhere and on that journey did a t-bone crash into a big ol’ pile of sense.
GlassSpider (8:53:36 PM): That’s my stage name. T-Bone Crash.
GlassSpider (8:53:50 PM): Ew.
kaosdevice (8:53:59 PM): good lord, even the sex scenes are boring, how in the world do you do that?
GlassSpider (8:54:17 PM): Skank bangs old dude. That’ll get her far.
GlassSpider (8:54:43 PM): How does she not take off her bra?
kaosdevice (8:55:12 PM): I want to take an ether soaked rag and a straight razor to this movie.
GlassSpider (8:55:30 PM): Pig-tits we got a-plenty. Girl boobs, not so much.
GlassSpider (8:55:50 PM): I was thinking sledge hammer.
GlassSpider (8:56:01 PM): A satisfying crunch.
GlassSpider (8:56:13 PM): Like Wavy Lays.
kaosdevice (8:57:07 PM): He was running around with his own hand! That was about as frightening as a care bear convention.
GlassSpider (8:57:43 PM): Robot Chicken is more terrifying than this.
kaosdevice (8:57:57 PM): Robot Chicken makes more sense then this.
GlassSpider (8:58:03 PM): And it’s over in ten minutes.
kaosdevice (8:58:18 PM): sweet release of death come for me.
GlassSpider (8:58:44 PM): Buck up, maybe you’ll have to take a bathroom break.
GlassSpider (8:58:55 PM): No, you’re a whore.
GlassSpider (8:59:09 PM): Sluts do it for fun, not merchandise.
kaosdevice (8:59:28 PM): The skank is strong with this one.
GlassSpider (9:00:01 PM): I’m writing the plot before it happens!… Oh, wait, that wasn’t plot…
GlassSpider (9:00:11 PM): I think it got on my shoe.
kaosdevice (9:00:16 PM): The men in this family really love spending time with their pigs out in the shed.
GlassSpider (9:00:36 PM): Better than the one in the house, I guess.
kaosdevice (9:01:39 PM): Sheesh enough with the stupid pigs!
kaosdevice (9:02:19 PM): She has the pastiest stalker ever.
GlassSpider (9:02:51 PM): So it was suppised to be scary because of the punching-sheet-metal noise in the soundtrack?
GlassSpider (9:03:41 PM): She was thinking of putting it in her shorts.
kaosdevice (9:03:51 PM): HAY!
GlassSpider (9:04:07 PM): Do we even know these charming ladies’ names? Does it matter?
kaosdevice (9:04:38 PM): Well the ‘good girl’ is Faith, the other one I think is Skeevy McQueevy.
GlassSpider (9:05:08 PM): Oh, or maybe it’s Charity.
kaosdevice (9:05:26 PM): She does give it away for free.
GlassSpider (9:05:27 PM): Hey, hilbilly hottie!
kaosdevice (9:05:53 PM): He’s a pig zapper
GlassSpider (9:06:31 PM): Whooooo! Fun in the boondocks!
kaosdevice (9:07:19 PM): I wish a plane would drop a plot bomb on this movie.
GlassSpider (9:07:35 PM): From the files pf "Cliched Dialogue"…
kaosdevice (9:08:16 PM): On a new episode of ‘Dumb Tree Hill’
GlassSpider (9:08:32 PM): Yay! Bacon!
kaosdevice (9:08:59 PM): The american pork council couldn’t put out a movie more obsessed with pigs.
GlassSpider (9:09:24 PM): It’s the other white meat. Or pink…
GlassSpider (9:09:44 PM): Porcine porn. For kids!
GlassSpider (9:09:59 PM): Extra snout for me!
kaosdevice (9:10:24 PM): Instead of slaughter they should have called this movie ‘Un-kosher’
GlassSpider (9:10:32 PM): Oh, how I wish this was a Return of the Livivng Dead flick.
GlassSpider (9:11:34 PM): A – is for asinine.
kaosdevice (9:11:51 PM): Wait, I get it, this is an unstructional film on how not to make a horror film. It makes so much sense now.
GlassSpider (9:11:56 PM): B – is for boring.
GlassSpider (9:12:15 PM): C – is for cliche.
kaosdevice (9:12:59 PM): Where did they find this wiz-kid of a child actor?
GlassSpider (9:13:05 PM): It’s Slasher Films for DUMMIES!
GlassSpider (9:13:42 PM): At least he seemed genuine. Maybe they didn’t tell him it was a movie.
kaosdevice (9:14:12 PM): Based on true, extrodinarilly boring events!
GlassSpider (9:14:22 PM): Nobody like a jealous whore. Be nice!
GlassSpider (9:15:03 PM): And shovel pig-dung.
GlassSpider (9:15:11 PM): And commit it to film.
GlassSpider (9:15:31 PM): And tip cows?
kaosdevice (9:15:32 PM): I’ve been watching this movie since I was a child.
GlassSpider (9:16:13 PM): I remember when your voice started changing, and this movie made was boring.
kaosdevice (9:16:41 PM): This chick is acting like she’s never seen a firefly before. Was she raised in a box?
GlassSpider (9:17:17 PM): Ah. A moment of peaceful reflection, the catching of harmless bugs. And puking in the reeds.
GlassSpider (9:17:53 PM): Dunno if beer’ll help. But it couldn’t hurt.
GlassSpider (9:18:30 PM): Damn. Is this piece of tripe a PG-13 movie?
kaosdevice (9:19:49 PM): PG for pretty ghastly
GlassSpider (9:20:38 PM): So, Daddy doesn’t like her fraternizin’ with the menfolk, but all her clothes are from the super-slut collection — What does that imply?
kaosdevice (9:21:26 PM): Daddy must run a high end car dealership judging by the rides of the dudes he’s been a-killin’.
kaosdevice (9:21:36 PM): Axe Murder Motors!
GlassSpider (9:21:48 PM): It’s fun for the whole family!
GlassSpider (9:22:09 PM): Whoah, Man-Hands!
kaosdevice (9:22:11 PM): Come down and steal our deals on wheels!
GlassSpider (9:22:34 PM): First 100 buyers get a side-o-pork!
kaosdevice (9:23:47 PM): Again with the pigs? Again? I hope they get a listing in the credits when they roll. Which apparently will be sometime next year.
GlassSpider (9:23:53 PM): We should have to chug every time this movie shows a pig.
GlassSpider (9:24:13 PM): I’d be under the table by now.
kaosdevice (9:24:18 PM): You’re looking at alcohol poisoning right there.
GlassSpider (9:24:51 PM): Yeah, especially if we counted pig-parts.
kaosdevice (9:25:07 PM): The pigs in this movie have all the best parts.
GlassSpider (9:25:41 PM): Ba-dum-bum-ching!
kaosdevice (9:25:43 PM): It’s like animal farm except we look into the movie and the pigs have become the actors
GlassSpider (9:26:19 PM): Oh, clean kiddie-porn.
GlassSpider (9:26:32 PM): That’s gotta be motive.
GlassSpider (9:26:40 PM): And here’s where we came in.
kaosdevice (9:26:58 PM): Oh what a great trick, they started the movie with the end at the beginning!
GlassSpider (9:27:30 PM): Sorry sweetie, the middle is the beginning.
kaosdevice (9:27:42 PM): ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GlassSpider (9:28:04 PM): The scariest thing about this movie so far is that it’s only half over.
kaosdevice (9:28:39 PM): Now this goes all revenge story it seems.
GlassSpider (9:28:53 PM): Score an ear-bleeder for the uneven sound.
GlassSpider (9:29:13 PM): I Spit on You Sty.
kaosdevice (9:29:32 PM): if it is the last thing we ever do.
GlassSpider (9:29:49 PM): What the hell? Carmen again???
GlassSpider (9:30:40 PM): It’s House of 1000 Porkers.
kaosdevice (9:31:00 PM): this movie just steered away from the minimal story line it had and is taking a shortcut through Stupidville.
GlassSpider (9:31:23 PM): Man, that should have been gross except it looked so fake.
GlassSpider (9:32:07 PM): Burn it down, Slutty Macree! Burn it down!
kaosdevice (9:32:54 PM): She’ll need a boob job to trade places with the other girl.
GlassSpider (9:33:07 PM): All the toe-squrming tropes — now it’s amateur dentistry.
GlassSpider (9:33:12 PM): "Is it safe?"
kaosdevice (9:33:52 PM): this would be disturbing if I actually cared.
GlassSpider (9:34:18 PM): If ya didn’t want her to bellyache, you coulda knocked her out, stupid.
GlassSpider (9:34:36 PM): Awww, piggies.
kaosdevice (9:34:37 PM): pigs take a drink!
kaosdevice (9:36:04 PM): how can something be both idiotic and random, yet predectible at the same time? Physicists should study the plot line of this film.
GlassSpider (9:37:38 PM): Cute, but her face would be soooo much more puffed out from that.
kaosdevice (9:37:46 PM): She is about as menacing as my little pony.
GlassSpider (9:37:56 PM): They’d have to write about it theoretically, of course, because noone’s actually seen a plot here. It’s like string theory.
kaosdevice (9:38:47 PM): She’s the Daisy mae of Dentistry!
GlassSpider (9:39:09 PM): I’d mention that the tool-marks on the teeth would give it all away, but that would be applying logic.
kaosdevice (9:39:28 PM): Don’t do that! You will burn the movie to a cinder!
GlassSpider (9:39:36 PM): Like putting lipstick on a… PIG! Drink!
GlassSpider (9:40:28 PM): I feel like a bully. this is just too easy.
kaosdevice (9:40:59 PM): I was hoping she would get that hacksaw and cut a few minutes off the end of this movie.
GlassSpider (9:41:36 PM): We’ll be cashing in our depleted 401K’s before this thing ends.
GlassSpider (9:42:03 PM): Whoo! Kick that hick right in the ass!
kaosdevice (9:42:50 PM): The plot congeals…I mean thickens.
GlassSpider (9:43:25 PM): She’s had years to plan this all out, and this is what she comes up with?
kaosdevice (9:44:02 PM): Yeah, she’s just a white cat and a henchman away from being a Bond villain.
GlassSpider (9:44:59 PM): What about our hunky farm-hand? Will he help out the heroine?
kaosdevice (9:45:24 PM): That cowboy boot and short skirt look never goes out of fashion.
GlassSpider (9:45:32 PM): I’ve gone numb.
GlassSpider (9:45:55 PM): I couldn’t give less of a crap if she gets away with it.
kaosdevice (9:46:37 PM): I think he is trying to tell her to run? He is not describing every action he is taking well enough.
GlassSpider (9:46:54 PM): Sure just sit there looking stupid.
kaosdevice (9:47:07 PM): I’m closing the door! I’m running behind you! I am near the truck!
GlassSpider (9:47:20 PM): Don’t flag anyone down till you get out of the williwags!
GlassSpider (9:47:28 PM): Jeez.
GlassSpider (9:47:42 PM): This guy, now? Go Jimmy!
kaosdevice (9:47:57 PM): This s the stupidest turn around of story I think I have ever, ever seen.
GlassSpider (9:48:29 PM): Okay, so not PG-13. About 35 too many f-bombs.
GlassSpider (9:48:46 PM): Jimmy’s got a very refined vocabulary.
kaosdevice (9:49:02 PM): Oh they are outside of Atlanta. That explains why all the overhead shots they did of the ‘big city’ were of New York.
GlassSpider (9:49:25 PM): High Tension made my head hurt more, but at least it was interesting.
GlassSpider (9:50:01 PM): There’s Hunky!
kaosdevice (9:50:38 PM): Ok, I want to shoot this movie in the knees and leave it in the desert.
GlassSpider (9:50:50 PM): Covered with honey.
GlassSpider (9:50:58 PM): On a scorpion nest.
GlassSpider (9:51:56 PM): 81 minutes in. I could take a quick nap, right?
kaosdevice (9:52:18 PM): I’ll fill you in on everything you miss. Done.
GlassSpider (9:52:29 PM): Those are the pictures that came with the frames!
kaosdevice (9:52:57 PM): Go to bed so I can come back and blow your head off.
GlassSpider (9:53:20 PM): Hey. Wonder if the kid is hers. Daddy is a creep, after all.
kaosdevice (9:53:28 PM): was a creep.
GlassSpider (9:53:47 PM): No, that would be silly.
GlassSpider (9:53:58 PM): And this movie would never be that.
GlassSpider (9:55:14 PM): Gun-wrasslin’! Yeeee-haw!
kaosdevice (9:55:24 PM): They can’t even make a cat fight exciting.
GlassSpider (9:55:53 PM): Oooo, pretty. WTF?
GlassSpider (9:56:21 PM): How many GD jars of bugs does this kid need?
kaosdevice (9:56:24 PM): And then Lola comes in to kill the fireflies…to cover her tracks! It’s a perfect crime!
GlassSpider (9:56:48 PM): Where my piggy?
GlassSpider (9:57:02 PM): Was that Ned Beatty?
kaosdevice (9:57:42 PM): Yeah, we get it she’s killed people before. Thanks for making that super, extra ultra clear movie.
GlassSpider (9:57:54 PM): Great the pain in my sleeping backside is distracting me from this scintillating –zzzzzzzz.
GlassSpider (9:58:55 PM): They should play this movie at Gitmo.
GlassSpider (9:59:58 PM): Thaaaaat was forgettable.
kaosdevice (10:00:07 PM): Oh now we get the ‘I am not you’ speech, ye frelling ha.
kaosdevice (10:01:38 PM): Just never gonna set us free are you movie?
GlassSpider (10:01:39 PM): God, they fight like tired old men.
GlassSpider (10:02:25 PM): Finally.
GlassSpider (10:02:41 PM): Wait! Don’t burn the piggies!
GlassSpider (10:03:32 PM): Okay, creepy. The little girl in the Polaroids looked like the little brother in a wig and a dress.
GlassSpider (10:03:43 PM): Therapy’s gonna cost them a mint.
kaosdevice (10:03:46 PM): Sheesh, finally. That thing gimped to an ending like a wounded animal.

We are putting road flares and crime tape around this movie. Please stay away for your own safety.

Oh Shawnee Smith we love you, can you please be in something aside from The Stand miniseries and Carnival of Souls that we will love you in? We miss you.

Our first attempt to protect you is from the After Dark Horror Move ‘Slaughter’.

We will be manning and womaning the gates on Sunday-time to be announced. We will be on AIM and good citizen ‘kaosdevice’ will be hosting us. You can read along, wait for the post on the blog, or, if truely strong…get the movie start it as the same time as us and weigh in.

I don’t reccomend the last one with this bit of offal. Let us take the body blow and black eye so you can walk away unharmed.

We are currently trying to decide which cinematic whip we want to be lashed with. If you have any suggestions please comment. Note, this has to be something you haven’t and would never watch.