[  Mood: Angry ]
We suffered (seriously) through ‘The Terminators’ (2009)

The Terminators @ Amazon

With your hosts/punchingbags-Glass Spider & KaosDevice.

————————————–

kaosdevice (-0:02:07): Today’s cinematic dose of the bubonic is ‘The Terminators’ (not to be confused with any iteration of *the* Terminator franchise, not that they would let you know) – 2009. Remember, we are here to save you.
kaosdevice (0:00:03 ): aaaaaaand we are starting now.
kaosdevice (0:00:52 ): not just any Martinez, A Martinez
Glass Spider (0:01:17 ): Yay, an underemployed London brother, and A Martinez… is this the Old and the Pitiful?
kaosdevice (0:01:25 ): in space nobody can hear you yawn.
Glass Spider (0:01:50 ): Looooooooong establishing shot — okay, we’re in space, we get it!
kaosdevice (0:02:33 ): HQ is sending up for the TR’s with LS for the STF for G43 stat on level 8
Glass Spider (0:02:56 ): So far I’ve seen Outer Limits with better production, and Tales from the Darksides with comparable dialogue.
kaosdevice (0:03:34 ): Free Trade Beowulf can you hear me (ooop sorry old nerdy gamer reference).
Glass Spider (0:04:04 ): "Your letters and commands bore me… Allow me to remove your heart." *schploiiikk!*
kaosdevice (0:04:32 ): It is the uprising of the steroid endowed!
kaosdevice (0:04:51 ): massive robot ‘roid rage!
kaosdevice (0:05:28 ): and switch the phase couplers.
Glass Spider (0:05:42 ): At 4 and a half minutes we get the endoskeleton degloving. They’re gonna shoot their FX wad while they’re sure we’re still awake.
kaosdevice (0:05:52 ): he didn’t just say ‘god help us all’.
Glass Spider (0:06:27 ): SeaQuest, do you read?
Glass Spider (0:06:34 ): I read only good books!
kaosdevice (0:07:02 ): go bananas, seriously? Go bananas?
kaosdevice (0:07:35 ): Before all our base belong to them.
kaosdevice (0:08:04 ): Well at least this move looks to be pig free so far.
Glass Spider (0:08:05 ): That actress can’t even figure out what to do with her hands.
Glass Spider (0:08:29 ): *Are* belong to them.
Glass Spider (0:10:38 ): God, this movie is turning us against one another…
kaosdevice (0:10:45 ): Man, Hawk the Slayer had better effects.
Glass Spider (0:10:51 ): Just so we don’t have to pretend to watch it.
Glass Spider (0:11:29 ): Feels like I should be watching this in 3D glasses.
kaosdevice (0:11:33 ): He ‘feels’ like they’ve been breached? Is he trying to get in touch with his inner breaching?
kaosdevice (0:12:10 ): Their alarm system is made of meerkats evidently.
Glass Spider (0:12:14 ): They only had 2 machine gunfire sounds, and they used ’em all up.
Glass Spider (0:12:58 ): A very splashy movie, blood-wise.
kaosdevice (0:13:12 ): Wow the future is just like the present except with twice as many idiots.
kaosdevice (0:14:41 ): A bomb of lameness exploded in downtown!
Glass Spider (0:14:55 ): Hey, find us a stew-bum we can clean up to look like Tom Sizemore!
Glass Spider (0:15:07 ): We don’t want anyone to upstage A Martinez…
kaosdevice (0:15:21 ): Depending on wind vectors we could have a cloud of lame here in two hours!
Glass Spider (0:15:55 ): What was that pipe made of? Wolverine’s spine?
kaosdevice (0:15:58 ): This movie loves its crap CGI effects.
Glass Spider (0:16:14 ): About as good as Mega Snake!
Glass Spider (0:16:39 ): That gun is compensating for something…
kaosdevice (0:16:57 ): They even try to make the music echo back to the real Terminator movies, I haven’t seen this much outright thievery since Enron.
Glass Spider (0:17:41 ): That scream was not convincing — They should have told her this movie was another hour long or something.
Glass Spider (0:17:57 ): More splashes, and meat-beating noises.
kaosdevice (0:18:51 ): I’ve wanted to say that to this movie for awhile.
Glass Spider (0:18:55 ): I don’t know what the Foley artist got for this job, but it should have been 5 to 10.
Glass Spider (0:19:39 ): The Bernie-nators?
Glass Spider (0:19:50 ): The Termi-Madhoffs?
kaosdevice (0:19:56 ): The Terminators Rise of The What The Hell Ever.
Glass Spider (0:20:08 ): Of my gorge.
kaosdevice (0:20:25 ): Why does her gun have a cork in it?
Glass Spider (0:20:47 ): At least the remake of "V" can’t suck this hard.
Glass Spider (0:20:59 ): Splashes! Drink!
kaosdevice (0:21:48 ): maybe she is calling a better movie to come save her.
Glass Spider (0:22:01 ): The FX department must have got a discount on stage blood.
kaosdevice (0:22:18 ): big run on Karo syrup that day.
Glass Spider (0:22:37 ): I’ve seen more realistic splatter effects in Tekken.
kaosdevice (0:22:50 ): hey, possible nudity coming up!
Glass Spider (0:23:03 ): They couldn’t even afford the real Jason Mewes.
kaosdevice (0:23:25 ): just you, me and your boobs.
Glass Spider (0:23:53 ): Her butt is better — splash! Dead. Drink.
kaosdevice (0:24:11 ): stop in the name of my arms!
Glass Spider (0:24:45 ): Random name? Sound guy? Black extra?
kaosdevice (0:25:20 ): Random girl that knows everything, thank goodness. Maybe she will also tell us why we are watching this.
Glass Spider (0:25:43 ): The crew of Kirk’s Enterprise swayed much more convincingly — that was just embarrassing.
Glass Spider (0:26:03 ): Splash!
kaosdevice (0:26:12 ): Quick let’s go from one random industrial complex to another random industrial complex!
Glass Spider (0:26:21 ): Gonna hafta get a beer, I guess.
Glass Spider (0:26:56 ): Probably got really cheap rates on a lot of empty warehouses.
Glass Spider (0:27:04 ): The recession, you know.
Glass Spider (0:27:17 ): Sounds like Jack Bauer…
kaosdevice (0:27:47 ): he’s running out of time!
kaosdevice (0:28:06 ): ooooh, she’s EMOTING!
Glass Spider (0:28:32 ): A… single… sparkling… saline-drop… I mean, tear.
kaosdevice (0:28:43 ): They need a map to find their way out of this film.
Glass Spider (0:29:12 ): Sway this way! Sway that way! We’re under attack!
Glass Spider (0:29:53 ): This is so bad, even Robert Englund said, "Nah, I’m washing my hair that week."
kaosdevice (0:29:56 ): Man cell phones in the near future really suck.
kaosdevice (0:30:31 ): They should have gone for the giant off road model van.
Glass Spider (0:30:40 ): I’m starting to wish I was a machine.
Glass Spider (0:31:02 ): VANZILLA!
kaosdevice (0:31:20 ): In the near future this movie will try and hunt mankind to extinction.
Glass Spider (0:31:39 ): Oohhhh, always gotta take out the black extra.
Glass Spider (0:31:53 ): I thought Obama changed everything!
kaosdevice (0:32:08 ): The Bore-anator.
Glass Spider (0:32:35 ): She was almost the only believable actor, so she had to go.
kaosdevice (0:32:37 ): what is with the echo? Is this forest in a cave?
Glass Spider (0:33:05 ): That Shaminator’s got back!
kaosdevice (0:33:21 ): ‘Try’ to stay alive?
Glass Spider (0:33:36 ): We don’t even know why it’s killing everyone. Should we care?
kaosdevice (0:33:51 ): TAH DAH!
kaosdevice (0:34:15 ): quit being mysterious in the name of the law!
Glass Spider (0:34:25 ): Try not — Die, or die not. There is no try.
kaosdevice (0:35:19 ): Dear movie, I hate you. Sincerely, Me.
kaosdevice (0:35:59 ): neither can I
Glass Spider (0:36:13 ): Martinez is really working that actor-muscle. He only sounds a little like he’s reading off a teleprompter.
kaosdevice (0:36:45 ): wow, he is a serious anti-smoker.
Glass Spider (0:37:45 ): Gawd, was Robert Beltran really too busy for this flick?
kaosdevice (0:37:53 ): Evidently that was just great.
Glass Spider (0:38:28 ): Well, he can’t be a Shaminator — he worships at a creepy shed-shrine.
kaosdevice (0:38:42 ): Cheesum Shatner has shorter dramatic pauses than this guy.
Glass Spider (0:39:04 ): He speaks slowly to fill airtime.
Glass Spider (0:39:32 ): If he talked like people, this movie’d only be 70 minutes long.
Glass Spider (0:41:19 ): "You can trust me; I’m wearing a raggedy trucker’s cap."
Glass Spider (0:42:08 ): "We don’t care if you volunteer, you’re just the extra."
kaosdevice (0:42:39 ): The dialogue in this movie is amazing. In the horrible car accident kind of way.
Glass Spider (0:42:40 ): They’re just… so… startled!
kaosdevice (0:42:54 ): Wait I still have some panting to do!
kaosdevice (0:43:26 ): need to feel them up?
kaosdevice (0:43:30 ): oh wait.
Glass Spider (0:43:39 ): Did Jack Bauer just show up?
Glass Spider (0:44:10 ): This movie needs more Redshirts.
Glass Spider (0:44:34 ): I’d like to use that gun on this movie.
kaosdevice (0:44:47 ): That sheriff has the gravitas of an Orange Julius.
Glass Spider (0:44:57 ): Where’s their Wookie?
kaosdevice (0:45:30 ): or time
Glass Spider (0:45:32 ): Hey, Orange Julius was my favorite Globetrotter! Or, wait, what?
Glass Spider (0:46:17 ): You said it, cheap, bulky Natalie Portman-knockoff!
kaosdevice (0:46:32 ): Ok, I’ll be over here contemplating suicide.
Glass Spider (0:47:40 ): Sooooo, these girls are like, what, Fox Force Five?
kaosdevice (0:47:42 ): Another Termin…I mean TR!
kaosdevice (0:48:37 ): You got it MacGruber
Glass Spider (0:48:41 ): They’ve got a car thief, an explosives expert, a tough black girl… where’s their knife-thrower?
Glass Spider (0:49:06 ): More echoing… It’s the sound of my interest, trapped in a well.
kaosdevice (0:49:19 ): There is that echo again, WTH>= movie.
Glass Spider (0:49:34 ): Squish. Drink!
kaosdevice (0:50:59 ): Ye gods this is awful
Glass Spider (0:51:04 ): Man, I’m so bored.
kaosdevice (0:51:36 ): This movie can’t make me care enough about it to hate it.
Glass Spider (0:51:43 ): The highway in the background made me think there’s a more interesting movie going on back there…
kaosdevice (0:52:09 ): Did he just say ‘keep that manatee’?
Glass Spider (0:52:22 ): Somebody off the crybaby dude.
Glass Spider (0:52:42 ): Send him out to be shaminated! Splashy-style!
kaosdevice (0:52:52 ): This is touching, in a bad uncle kinda way.
Glass Spider (0:53:37 ): They didn’t waste any dollars on sets. How frugal of them.
kaosdevice (0:54:09 ): Well they to save the money for actors of this caliber.
Glass Spider (0:54:17 ): And if this is supposed to be in the PacNW, why does everything look like SoCal?
Glass Spider (0:55:03 ): ssnnnoooooorre…
Glass Spider (0:55:36 ): The tension in this scene is as thick as skim milk.
Glass Spider (0:56:37 ): Somebody slap her. You’re supposed to slap the hysterical ones, right?
Glass Spider (0:57:26 ): This movie stole my stereo and sold it for drugs!
kaosdevice (0:57:27 ): I wasn’t snoring, really
kaosdevice (0:57:39 ): I was resting my eyes.
Glass Spider (0:57:43 ): Dude, thought you left me out here alone.
Glass Spider (0:57:50 ): Not cool.
Glass Spider (0:57:58 ): DRINK!!!
kaosdevice (0:58:19 ): I can’t believe how dull this is.
Glass Spider (0:58:26 ): Ahhh, the old fist through the skull bit. Love that one.
Glass Spider (0:59:19 ): It’s making me angry. I shouldn’t watch something this boring.
Glass Spider (0:59:43 ): OMFG, we’re only an hour into this shit-mess!
Glass Spider (1:01:06 ): Dime-store Natalie Portman is right! We *ARE* gonna make it!
Glass Spider (1:02:22 ): Every single gun only makes one sound. Is this right?
kaosdevice (1:02:22 ): That was to gun battles what nerf is to bullets.
kaosdevice (1:02:56 ): Wow, what a craaaaazy reveal. Whippity ding dong.
Glass Spider (1:03:06 ): Oh, what an earth-shattering shock. He’s a Shaminator.
kaosdevice (1:03:43 ): I need something to smack myself with to keep awake ‘case this movie sure ain’t doing it.
Glass Spider (1:03:55 ): A Martinez’s endoskeleton is made of Reynolds Wrap.
kaosdevice (1:04:15 ): It is made of dulltanium.
Glass Spider (1:04:20 ): That’s why the aliens’ code breakers can’t hack into his motherboard.
kaosdevice (1:04:38 ): they are flying space Winnebago’s.
Glass Spider (1:04:40 ): I don’t even know what that means.
Glass Spider (1:05:06 ): I’m just trying to make up something more interesting than this movie.
kaosdevice (1:05:17 ): this has to be a scifi errrr…syfy channel piece of rubbish.
kaosdevice (1:06:42 ): Hey he’s an Obama supporter!
Glass Spider (1:06:45 ): I just don’t understand how he can be metal underneath when he’s so obviously wooden on top…
Glass Spider (1:07:03 ): Back to the echoing.
kaosdevice (1:07:23 ): hang on to something, accelerating to Stupid Factor 5!
Glass Spider (1:07:39 ): Maybe A Martinez is a steam-punk terminator.
kaosdevice (1:08:06 ): He is an old eunuch er unit.
Glass Spider (1:08:38 ): We should have picked something else to drink on. This is too painful to be this sober.
kaosdevice (1:08:57 ): It is Bad Runner meets the Boreinator
Glass Spider (1:09:28 ): How long do we have to play this out? We get it, he has your memories, they all do.
kaosdevice (1:09:42 ): Oh for the love of sweetweasles.
Glass Spider (1:11:02 ): Yay, an army of Shaminators! We may get to drink lots on this part…
kaosdevice (1:11:29 ): We feel pain, that’s for sure and anger.
kaosdevice (1:12:10 ): Back to the space hubcap!
kaosdevice (1:12:27 ): From this movie
Glass Spider (1:12:34 ): Lawdy, I don’t have words for how lame this is.
kaosdevice (1:13:05 ): I’m glad I don’t have a razor laying around because I don’t have anything covering my jugular.
Glass Spider (1:13:18 ): This makes Jason X look like Citizen Kane.
Glass Spider (1:13:42 ): DRRIIIIINNK!
Glass Spider (1:14:07 ): Hey, that looks like *your* computer room!
Glass Spider (1:15:23 ): They couldn’t even afford a score for this rocket ship to the end of my patience. It’s quiet, dull, and stupid.
kaosdevice (1:15:51 ): glug
kaosdevice (1:16:09 ): Yaaaaaaahhhhh!
kaosdevice (1:16:14 ): Who says that?
Glass Spider (1:16:25 ): How come he’s wearing a Mardi Gras mask?
kaosdevice (1:16:44 ): Hey they found a pause button. What is with that goofy noise in the background?
Glass Spider (1:17:38 ): Where the hell did this petulant lady come from?
Glass Spider (1:18:25 ): The Foley guy recorded a bog fulla horny frogs for this soundtrack.
kaosdevice (1:18:58 ): This new computer is fighting against this stupid plot, I don’t know how to fight back!
Glass Spider (1:19:09 ): He should have recorded video as well; it’d be more interesting…
Glass Spider (1:19:45 ): And draining my will to live.
kaosdevice (1:20:26 ): Are those like the sounds of electronic chickens I am hearing?
Glass Spider (1:20:44 ): I wonder if the beefcake Shaminator got scale for each kill-bot he played…
kaosdevice (1:21:05 ): Hicks? Really?
Glass Spider (1:21:12 ): Mmmmm, thank you for food.
Glass Spider (1:21:45 ): Except now, I have the strength to see how much I want to destroy this crapfest of a movie.
Glass Spider (1:22:07 ): Drink.
kaosdevice (1:22:21 ): Let me check the obvious meter. Not\….././Utterly. Yup there’s your ending right there.
kaosdevice (1:22:58 ): I got blood in my stool! You hear me! What the hell was that guy yelling?
Glass Spider (1:23:39 ): Yes, stagger backwards and whimper ineffectually — that way the mummy-walking endoskeleton can catch you more easily.
kaosdevice (1:24:02 ): eeeeeellllectronic chickens! That’s my new band name.
kaosdevice (1:24:47 ): What is with the fricking back and forth echo? It is like driving through the bland canyon.
Glass Spider (1:24:58 ): A 20 hour Myst-playing marathon is more action-packed than this.
kaosdevice (1:25:20 ): Aw mutual panting, feel like I am watching some sweet, sweet porn.
Glass Spider (1:25:50 ): Aw, in space no one can hear you be gob smacked.
kaosdevice (1:25:53 ): Whew, at least the movie was kind in the fact that it is finally over.
kaosdevice (1:26:56 ): What a pathetic piece of crap topped with a thumping techno beat for the credits, which oddly, was better than the film itself.

[  Mood: Sick ]
We’ve recovered from the last movie. Spidey was let out of the hospital and her contusions, while horrible, seem to be healing. KaosDevice has been doing better since the anti-crapfilm medication has kicked in but he still has the occasional shakes and the nightmares.

We are currently evaluating the next film to try and protect you all from, watch this space for updates.

[  Mood: Angry ]
My Bloody Valentine @ Amazon

Horrible, just..horrible

With your hosts:

Glass Spider

and KaosDevice

————————-

kaosdevice (-0:59:41 AM): Today’s fiesta of agony is the remake of ‘My Bloody Valentine’ in 3D (we got glasses). This will suck in any D and the pain starts now.
Glass Spider (-0:59:47 AM): I’m having a hard time imagining how this could suck harder than the original.
kaosdevice (00:00:09 ): I’m already headachy and the movie hasn’t even really started.
Glass Spider (00:00:36 ): At least the ‘Za is awesome.
kaosdevice (00:01:04 ): The paper 3D glasses are more of a defense I think, from this movie.
Glass Spider (00:01:10 ): MORE reading? Didn’t we have enough of this in ‘Seed’?
Glass Spider (00:01:35 ): Going down a tunnel to… oh, the loss of hope.
kaosdevice (00:02:03 ): this movie looks to be full of methane
kaosdevice (00:02:27 ): it’s stupornatural!
kaosdevice (00:03:14 ): the screaming is from the screen testers
Glass Spider (00:03:56 ): He should have stuck with John Carpenter movies.
kaosdevice (00:04:16 ): ok, drink when something is shown in 3D for no damn reason.
Glass Spider (00:04:23 ): Wow, great monologue.
Glass Spider (00:04:34 ): Drink.
kaosdevice (00:05:11 ): drink
just kooky kids having fun to hip new music.
Glass Spider (00:05:18 ): Crapalicious ‘modern’ rock.
kaosdevice (00:06:35 ): Sheesh, the credits are going to run through the whole movie. Oh and that chick’s boobs are what got her in the film, for the 3D value
Glass Spider (00:06:52 ): Why does the prude always have the biggest rack?
Glass Spider (00:07:09 ): Venting a little methane of my own — sorry.
kaosdevice (00:07:17 ): my mentally challenged valentine.
Glass Spider (00:07:47 ): Was that Axel or Asshole?
kaosdevice (00:07:56 ): geezer, forehead guy, wheezy? Chicken lips?
kaosdevice (00:08:32 ): monogamy girl,? Soon to be dead kid?
kaosdevice (00:08:56 ): He’s got his wheezin’ respirator on.
kaosdevice (00:09:24 ): drink
Glass Spider (00:09:36 ): Wow, 3D eyeball on a stick — that could be Jeff Dunham’s newest puppet.
kaosdevice (00:09:58 ): Only if it is Dunham’s eyeball on the stick.
Glass Spider (00:10:09 ): Amen.
kaosdevice (00:10:10 ): Dude? Dude?
Glass Spider (00:10:26 ): They waste no time offing people.
kaosdevice (00:10:57 ): Good hopefully they will make this short….nah we couldn’t be so lucky.
Glass Spider (00:11:02 ): Oooooo, it’s coming right at us.
kaosdevice (00:11:30 ): How can they make something so gruesome still be boring?
Glass Spider (00:11:37 ): Call a spade a… dental instrument.
kaosdevice (00:12:10 ): pointless 3D
Glass Spider (00:12:21 ): I am getting some good ideas for (DRINK)
Glass Spider (00:12:45 ): …what to use as weapons in the coming zombie apocalypse.
kaosdevice (00:13:04 ): when I think of party I think of dangerous semi abandoned mine.
Glass Spider (00:13:37 ): Only if it’s a rave.
Glass Spider (00:13:51 ): Or maybe a baby shower.
kaosdevice (00:13:51 ): is this like a half hour film?
Glass Spider (00:14:04 ): We should be so lucky.
kaosdevice (00:14:25 ): he’s having his shaving ryan’s privates moment.
Glass Spider (00:15:07 ): I know he’s a better actor than that… maybe he’s so good he’s lowering himself to the level of the movie.
kaosdevice (00:15:21 ): his name s Axel Hummer? This is so going gay porn.
kaosdevice (00:15:47 ): oh, HOMER
kaosdevice (00:16:14 ): hardened bicycle thieves? Going back to my last statement
Glass Spider (00:16:28 ): So it’s ten years later and he can still only grow that Joe Dirt beard?
kaosdevice (00:16:57 ): He’s a mullet away from a truckzilla rally
Glass Spider (00:17:23 ): 3D camel-toe.
kaosdevice (00:17:40 ): and mooseknuckle there for a sec
kaosdevice (00:18:17 ): you don’t have to get me anything, I’ll be a shameless tramp for free!
Glass Spider (00:18:42 ): Yeeeah, white trash philanderers looooove chocolate hearts.
Glass Spider (00:19:01 ): Shoulda got him malt liquor.
kaosdevice (00:19:32 ): Where you goin’ movie, did you drop some X to go with the thumpin’ rave sound track?
kaosdevice (00:19:57 ): or some black tar heroin?
Glass Spider (00:20:40 ): Dude, I *like* Jensen Ackles, but he’s two slices of bread away from being a tasty ham-n-cheese sandwich.
kaosdevice (00:20:48 ): he has a sexual issue and he is yelling at the kid?
Glass Spider (00:21:32 ): With these glasses on, the pizza sauce on my shirt is scarier than this movie.
Glass Spider (00:21:42 ): It’s coming right at me!
Glass Spider (00:21:59 ): We haaaaave midget!
kaosdevice (00:22:02 ): gratuitous short person, oh and drink.
kaosdevice (00:22:36 ): 3D boobs!
Glass Spider (00:22:53 ): *Natural* 3D boobs!
Glass Spider (00:23:02 ): What’re the odds?
kaosdevice (00:23:16 ): ugh and 3D dude arse.
Glass Spider (00:23:38 ): Okay, we almost saw dangle. I don’t think I could handle that in 3D.
kaosdevice (00:24:00 ): YIPE!
Glass Spider (00:24:17 ): Full frontal! FUULLL FRONTAL!!!
kaosdevice (00:24:27 ): In the 3D
Glass Spider (00:24:45 ): Uhhhh, *female* full frontal, BTW.
Glass Spider (00:25:03 ): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:25:10 ): That gal isn’t afraid to walk around without her britches.
Glass Spider (00:25:48 ): Is she auditioning for the chrome mudflap girl model?
kaosdevice (00:26:09 ): that is one continuously naked woman, if I was a teen I’d be in my bunk.
Glass Spider (00:26:36 ): You’ll never find me under the bed… unless you’re over the age of 3 and a half.
kaosdevice (00:26:38 ): She’s being chased by Darth Vader?
kaosdevice (00:27:22 ): That wacky Louis *cue canned laughter*
Glass Spider (00:27:24 ): Shorty’s got a pair! Wow, what a talent pool.
kaosdevice (00:27:54 ): Mmmm fried dwarf, it’s what’s for lunch!
Glass Spider (00:28:05 ): Awww, what gave me away? The enormous stripper heels?
Glass Spider (00:28:33 ): Pickaxe has a longer reach than that, Nudey.
Glass Spider (00:28:51 ): *spatter* Drink!
kaosdevice (00:29:03 ): did that woman ever have clothes on in this movie?
Glass Spider (00:29:32 ): Yeah, like hours.
kaosdevice (00:29:35 ): back when I loved slutty naked chicks.
Glass Spider (00:30:07 ): Uhhhh, goooooo.
Glass Spider (00:30:14 ): He sure has a way with words.
kaosdevice (00:30:27 ): pardon me while I get gaspy and breathless at the sight of you, because you are amazing
kaosdevice (00:30:55 ): blah, freakitty blah blah
Glass Spider (00:31:02 ): Did she take acting tips from Kristen Kruek?
kaosdevice (00:31:41 ): I don’t know if it is the glasses or the movie itself giving me a raw nerve headache.
Glass Spider (00:32:02 ): Soooo, she got the Sheriff?
kaosdevice (00:32:14 ): she didn’t get no deputy.
Glass Spider (00:32:56 ): Yay, we get to see naked dead chick running away.
Glass Spider (00:33:34 ): 3D make me slo-mo.
kaosdevice (00:33:41 ): he got a bloody valentine, duh duh duuuuuh! Emphasis on the duh.
kaosdevice (00:34:26 ): I want to curse and take a swing at this movie.
Glass Spider (00:34:46 ): These crotchety old farts should be in the bowling alley; I understand it’s safe there.
kaosdevice (00:35:39 ): ah, the lame cursory accusations, always a good plot move.
Glass Spider (00:35:40 ): I wonder if he misses being the leading man to actresses wayyyyy too young for him…
Glass Spider (00:36:10 ): And it’s porn! A twofer!
Glass Spider (00:36:23 ): A snuffer twofer!
kaosdevice (00:36:35 ): this movie confuses cursing for dialogue
Glass Spider (00:36:59 ): Of course he misses it; he used to pretend boff Jamie Lee, for monkey’s sake.
kaosdevice (00:37:14 ): Who in the world names their kid Axel? I mean seriously.
Glass Spider (00:37:34 ): Besides Vikings, you mean?
kaosdevice (00:37:40 ): drink!
kaosdevice (00:38:06 ): Come sail away, on the briny seas of stupidity!
Glass Spider (00:38:40 ): This *is* a worse remake — at least I could laugh at the old one.
Glass Spider (00:39:05 ): This is just snoozy melodrama.
kaosdevice (00:39:15 ): He’s a runner that wishes he could but he can’t and lost his way sort of like this movie and us.
Glass Spider (00:39:17 ): Oooo, and burpy.
kaosdevice (00:39:50 ): pointless 3D! Tah Dah!
Glass Spider (00:39:51 ): He’s just a drifter, alone in his loner loneliness. Alone.
kaosdevice (00:40:19 ): This movie is going to kill me.
Glass Spider (00:40:32 ): Best part? Don’t know what color *anything* is supposed to be.
kaosdevice (00:40:54 ): And not figuratively, I will be dead at the end of it from overwhelming I don’t give a crapitude.
Glass Spider (00:42:26 ): We’re gonna do shots. It’s purely medicinal.
Glass Spider (00:42:32 ): Don’t try this at home.
kaosdevice (00:42:41 ): It’s Darth Murder!
Glass Spider (00:42:46 ): Also, done watch this movie.
Glass Spider (00:43:08 ): Just read our blog so you know where to find the 3D boobies.
kaosdevice (00:43:15 ): That’ll leave a mark
Glass Spider (00:43:24 ): And a stain.
kaosdevice (00:43:42 ): It’s the siren warning the miners to flee this movie!
Glass Spider (00:44:08 ): Sorry, that should’ve said "Don’t" watch this movie.
kaosdevice (00:44:27 ): why does he have deep space gear on?
Glass Spider (00:45:07 ): He’s like an armored cyclops.
Glass Spider (00:45:15 ): Cyclopsadillo.
kaosdevice (00:45:15 ): so he is like a ghost only really boring and violent?
kaosdevice (00:45:30 ): he needs a Jan hand
kaosdevice (00:45:58 ): drink
Glass Spider (00:46:15 ): Maybe the girl from The Uninvited did it.
kaosdevice (00:46:26 ): or some pigs
Glass Spider (00:46:38 ): You can cover your beefcake now.
kaosdevice (00:46:57 ): I’ve got a hairy warden, I call it my codpiece
Glass Spider (00:47:25 ): Oooooohhh, she’s a redhead. Kinda cute that way.
kaosdevice (00:47:42 ): those are some wonderful 3D boobs
Glass Spider (00:48:00 ): It’s Sheriff Dirt, being totally unintimidating.
Glass Spider (00:48:28 ): They’re aaalllllll boobs in this picture.
kaosdevice (00:48:51 ): Let’s check the meter on the not caring tank. E\..\……/F damn near empty.
Glass Spider (00:49:28 ): Animows? What kind of accent is that?
kaosdevice (00:49:40 ): they should have buried the movie right next to him.
Glass Spider (00:50:01 ): At least you *know* it was dead.
kaosdevice (00:50:14 ): this film was stillborn.
Glass Spider (00:50:27 ): And killed its mother.
Glass Spider (00:50:43 ): And killed my dog.
kaosdevice (00:50:51 ): after raping it.
Glass Spider (00:51:09 ): And feeding it chocolate. Hearts.
kaosdevice (00:51:33 ): well it is valentines or something, hell I don’t know anymore.
Glass Spider (00:51:37 ): Soooo, professional.
Glass Spider (00:52:06 ): My brain hurts.
kaosdevice (00:52:23 ): Hey the town has *A* black guy. I didn’t think that happened in Whiterton.
Glass Spider (00:52:47 ): He’s also a cop. Can you say ‘Redshirt’?
kaosdevice (00:53:21 ): If I was that character I would catch the next bus out of this movie.
Glass Spider (00:53:47 ): Better a bus than that Bronco. What a P.O.S.
kaosdevice (00:54:30 ): Man I’ve had naked back in high school dreams that were more frightening than this flick.
Glass Spider (00:54:30 ): Getting motion-sick, now.
Glass Spider (00:55:03 ): Aaaaahhhhh! Pizza sauce!
kaosdevice (00:55:17 ): upcoming pointless 3D!
Glass Spider (00:55:29 ): At least the horn section is awake.
kaosdevice (00:55:32 ): ding!
Glass Spider (00:55:41 ): Aaaaand cue the tympani.
Glass Spider (00:56:11 ): Old guy: check.
kaosdevice (00:56:14 ): I’m going to have to resort to Jameson’s to get through this be right back.
Glass Spider (00:56:34 ): Shotgun: check.
Glass Spider (00:56:50 ): Skeevy bathrobe: check.
Glass Spider (00:57:18 ): All we need is Dennis Hopper and an (DRINK!) oxygen mask.
kaosdevice (00:57:24 ): I…I..I…always loved you!
Glass Spider (00:57:32 ): Drink!
Glass Spider (00:57:47 ): Cripes! Drink!
Glass Spider (00:58:02 ): Uuuuurf.
kaosdevice (00:58:19 ): this is murder, of my soul
Glass Spider (00:58:59 ): I do think she’s cuter as a redhead than as a blonde.
kaosdevice (00:59:17 ): gadzooks this whole scene has pointless in capital letters written on it.
kaosdevice (00:59:34 ): much like the viewers of this movie
Glass Spider (00:59:49 ): Aaaah, Kerr Smith. Who you call when even Skeet Ulrich won’t take the job.
kaosdevice (1:00:12 ): ah pointless annoying character, think she will die?
Glass Spider (1:00:29 ): Only really a question of when.
kaosdevice (1:00:53 ): ominous noise, better go check it out.
kaosdevice (1:01:17 ): trepanation would be a relief after this.
Glass Spider (1:01:17 ): Girl’s got some really big feet, though.
kaosdevice (1:01:47 ): this movie does like its swearin’
Glass Spider (1:02:17 ): Not nearly enough gratuitous boobage to balance it out.
kaosdevice (1:02:35 ): oh goodness, movie, seriously?
Glass Spider (1:02:53 ): They got all their sponsor product-placement out in one long pan-shot.
kaosdevice (1:04:04 ): I’ve never been more under whelmed by a ‘suspenseful’ scene ever.
kaosdevice (1:04:30 ): oh wait, the whole earlier part of this movie, I have to recant.
Glass Spider (1:04:32 ): Movie, you’re supposed to make sure I care about a character before you put them in jeopardy.
Glass Spider (1:05:24 ): Suuuure, look out the window, stupid.
kaosdevice (1:06:14 ): oh feh, just feh. If this movie was a guy standing in this room I would kick it in the groin.
Glass Spider (1:06:26 ): *Now* she triggers the alarm system? She should have stayed blonde. At least we’d have had fair warning.
kaosdevice (1:06:51 ): THAT would at least be entertaining. Right?
Glass Spider (1:07:12 ): I know I’d enjoy it more than this tripe.
kaosdevice (1:07:34 ): what in the hell does a mine have to do with valentines day anyway, was it a date thing?
Glass Spider (1:07:46 ): If this gets any lamer, we’re gonna have to start shotgunning.
kaosdevice (1:08:16 ): Did I miss something when I was looking for something to overdose on rather than watch this?
Glass Spider (1:08:18 ): I think it was the name of the mine.
Glass Spider (1:08:41 ): Didn’t we have this same conversation last movie?
Glass Spider (1:08:56 ): It must be all the not caring.
kaosdevice (1:09:02 ): This would suck even if it was in 4D.
Glass Spider (1:09:24 ): But at least then we’d have control of time and space.
Glass Spider (1:10:02 ): We should have respirators for this thing.
kaosdevice (1:10:16 ): I’d control time and space to make this stupid film not happen. Oh and to have not given that Nigerian prince all my money.
Glass Spider (1:10:24 ): "I’m getting too old for this shit."
kaosdevice (1:11:23 ): Hey it is Swedish horror!
kaosdevice (1:11:30 ): S-Horror
Glass Spider (1:11:32 ): That’s what this movie needs… More Danny Glover!
kaosdevice (1:12:06 ): he got scared by a roomba
Glass Spider (1:12:44 ): Ooohhh, movie, you can stop trying now — you lost me an hour ago.
kaosdevice (1:12:44 ): pointless 3D!
Glass Spider (1:13:11 ): That was one helluva dryer, though.
kaosdevice (1:13:34 ): Oh movie, you don’t have to suck more, you’ve already been bad enough.
Glass Spider (1:14:02 ): This movie could use more of *any* Glover.
kaosdevice (1:14:05 ): he wants to ‘show her something’ if you know what I mean.
Glass Spider (1:14:21 ): Danny.
Glass Spider (1:14:25 ): John.
Glass Spider (1:14:32 ): Crispin, even.
kaosdevice (1:15:00 ): I think they would wash their hands of this or at least their glovers.
Glass Spider (1:15:10 ): "He’s my density!"
kaosdevice (1:15:58 ): He’s calling from inside the car!
Glass Spider (1:16:26 ): Look out, Fans of pain, it’s the Third Act Red Herring call.
kaosdevice (1:16:41 ): Who is the killer? Tyler Durden?
Glass Spider (1:17:00 ): Pizza sauce!
kaosdevice (1:17:01 ): pointless 3D drink!
Glass Spider (1:17:03 ): Drink!
Glass Spider (1:17:43 ): What a twist! Oh, wait, it’s really not.
kaosdevice (1:18:00 ): hey that’s one of mine!
Glass Spider (1:18:18 ): Shoulda wrote yo name on it sucka!
kaosdevice (1:18:49 ): The good part of predictable movies is it really makes that not caring thing a lot easier.
Glass Spider (1:19:13 ): So, how’d a brunette and a redhead have a little towheaded kid, anyway?
kaosdevice (1:19:40 ): they bought him on the open market
kaosdevice (1:20:03 ): towheads are a hot commodity right now
Glass Spider (1:20:51 ): I hoped the 3D glasses would filter out some of the suck, but they really don’t.
kaosdevice (1:21:14 ): weirdly I wish I had a hamster in one of those plastic balls I could throw at the TV right now. Don’t ask me why.
Glass Spider (1:21:36 ): They do leave me with a glimmer of hope that I missed something that made all of this make some kind of sense, though.
Glass Spider (1:21:54 ): That’s just mean.
Glass Spider (1:22:11 ): Hamsters are sweet. And delicious.
kaosdevice (1:22:15 ): You’d need scout training a compass and a map to find any sort of point in this forsaken crapfest.
Glass Spider (1:22:44 ): This outing is making us mean.
kaosdevice (1:23:02 ): this movie makes me want to hurt something small fluffy and cute
Glass Spider (1:23:13 ): Makin’ KD wanna shoot a panda in the head for refusing to propagate.
kaosdevice (1:23:52 ): makes me want to gnaw on Plexiglas
Glass Spider (1:24:23 ): "Don’t move Asshole. I mean Axel."
Glass Spider (1:24:50 ): "He’s the crazy one, not me."
kaosdevice (1:25:02 ): I want to smack this movie upside the head and then kick it repeatedly in the ribs.
Glass Spider (1:25:12 ): "Shoot us both, Spock!"
kaosdevice (1:25:25 ): ask which one the liar is!
kaosdevice (1:25:56 ): shoot me! No I mean me, KD
Glass Spider (1:26:02 ): Do it! Dooooo it!!!
kaosdevice (1:26:13 ): take this movie out of my misery
Glass Spider (1:26:32 ): My glasses are itchy.
Glass Spider (1:27:00 ): Least intense standoff, ever.
Glass Spider (1:27:37 ): Beefcake!
kaosdevice (1:27:43 ): well this is a predictable reveal
Glass Spider (1:27:52 ): Boy’s got some manly shoulders, man.
kaosdevice (1:28:34 ): pointless 3D
Glass Spider (1:28:38 ): Sooooo, boring. Fight Club-lite.
kaosdevice (1:29:09 ): oh what frelling ever.
Glass Spider (1:29:09 ): Might puke. Maybe it’s the beer.
Glass Spider (1:29:17 ): Maybe it’s the glasses.
kaosdevice (1:29:29 ): nah it’s the movie
Glass Spider (1:29:47 ): Definitely not the fear/gross factor of this stupendously boring flick.
kaosdevice (1:30:06 ): This movie need pigs, or cats or rotting dogs.
Glass Spider (1:30:17 ): Aaahhh, my liver!
kaosdevice (1:30:53 ): c’mon movie, you’ve still got some suck left in you!
Glass Spider (1:31:23 ): How can Jensen make me believe he’s a ghost hunter returned from hell, but can’t make me buy this garbage?
Glass Spider (1:31:46 ): Between the eyes.
kaosdevice (1:32:08 ): What is she the Bard from Esgaroth? (ooooh hardcore nerd ref there)
Glass Spider (1:32:09 ): >sssnnoooooore<
kaosdevice (1:32:16 ): drink
Glass Spider (1:32:17 ): Drink!
kaosdevice (1:32:36 ): drink
Glass Spider (1:32:37 ): DRINK!
kaosdevice (1:32:53 ): yipes!
Glass Spider (1:33:02 ): Good damn thing this is almost over; we gonna run outta hooch.
kaosdevice (1:33:25 ): He’s laughing at the fact we watched this whole damn movie.
Glass Spider (1:33:26 ): And it all starts all over again!
Glass Spider (1:33:31 ): Scaaaary.
kaosdevice (1:33:59 ): My Incomprehensible Valentine.
1. Glass Spider (1:34:24 ): My Bloody Suspension of Disbelief.
kaosdevice (1:34:37 ): C’mon movie that’s enough let us go.
Glass Spider (1:34:38 ): My aching ass.
Glass Spider (1:35:35 ): Keep on the lookout for M.B.V.II, The Insulin Coma.

starting in two minutes if anyone wants in,

[  Mood: Angry ]
Kaosdevice is shaving his head so this movie can’t grab his hair and shove his face into the wall. We are watching it this afternoon. If you want in look for kaosdevice on AIM.

[  Mood: Sick ]
We are going to take the ‘My Bloody Valentine’ remake right in the face. We’re going to stand in front of it like it was a semi on the highway and get run over, just so you don’t have to watch it. Do you see how selfless we are?

As always you can join in but, gods help you if you do, this one is going to be espescially bad. Message here or kaosdevice or glassspider if you want to help us protect humanity.

[  Mood: Sick ]
Seed @ Amazon

Pain incarnate.

———————————-

kaosdevice (9:59:57 PM): We are going to be traumatized tonight by Uwe Boll’s ‘Seed’ (2007). Save the snickering. And it starts…NOW!
Glass Spider (00:00:00 PM): From Dictionary.com: boll -noun Botany. a rounded seed vessel or pod of a plant, as of flax or cotton. So, is this going to be autobiographical, or what…?
Glass Spider returned at 10:00:00 PM.
kaosdevice (00:00:29 PM): pigs, again with the pigs?
Glass Spider (00:00:44 PM): That quote would suggest to me that the answer is yes.
Glass Spider (00:01:01 PM): Is that Spider-Goat?
kaosdevice (00:01:04 PM): oh weird mutant dogs, my bad.
Glass Spider (00:01:32 PM): I think he’s whacking off to this puppy snuff-film…
Glass Spider (00:01:43 PM): *snuff
Glass Spider (00:02:06 PM): What were those? Foxes? Badgers?
Glass Spider (00:02:17 PM): Uh-oh — more reading…
kaosdevice (00:03:01 PM): reading in a Boll film is like dancing in a morgue
kaosdevice (00:03:23 PM): that is shocking, shocking!
Glass Spider (00:03:23 PM): I looooove it when exposition is covered in printed scroll — what’re you, George Lucas?
Glass Spider (00:04:31 PM): Boll’s movies are so bad; Jeffery Combs won’t even appear in them.
kaosdevice (00:04:42 PM): Ralph Muller! Big, menacing and German for extra value
Glass Spider (00:05:05 PM): Jawol!
Glass Spider (00:05:47 PM): I hope this is a flashback, otherwise that guy is dressed way too hip for this flick.
kaosdevice (00:06:08 PM): This film went Boll craptastic super quick.
Glass Spider (00:06:30 PM): Is that a seriously aged Michael Pare?
kaosdevice (00:06:37 PM): yup
Glass Spider (00:06:48 PM): Man.
kaosdevice (00:07:14 PM): nothing says quality film like the combination of Boll and Michael Pare.
Glass Spider (00:07:15 PM): So, did Pleatherface eat the baby, or what?
kaosdevice (00:07:42 PM): Rolph!
Glass Spider (00:07:47 PM): Yayyyy.
Glass Spider (00:07:58 PM): We’ve got mail! Yayyyy!
kaosdevice (00:08:28 PM): Drink every time Rolph is barely intelligible.
kaosdevice (00:08:38 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:08:39 PM): You can’t smoke in a cop shop anymore. What frapping year is this?
Glass Spider (00:09:12 PM): Be menacing, and smoke more. Goooood.
kaosdevice (00:09:14 PM): this scene bugs me.
Glass Spider (00:09:43 PM): 9 minutes in and we have bug-humping. Sweet.
kaosdevice (00:10:09 PM): I’ve seen more interesting golf tournaments then this so far.
kaosdevice (00:10:36 PM): it’s trying to tell you are in a horrible movie.
Glass Spider (00:10:37 PM): Putrefaction-porn!
Glass Spider (00:10:54 PM): "What’s he trying to tell us?" What is he, Lassie?
kaosdevice (00:10:59 PM): this movie really hates dogs.
Glass Spider (00:11:33 PM): This killer’s got oodles of super-8 film and free time.
kaosdevice (00:11:35 PM): you can tell they are police by the mustaches.
Glass Spider (00:12:57 PM): CSI: 1980. Now with even wider collars.
kaosdevice (00:13:00 PM): what the hell year is this? 1981 or 2009. Lot of confused movies time wise for us lately.
Glass Spider (00:13:59 PM): He’s drinking — think he knows something we don’t?
kaosdevice (00:14:08 PM): this means you are in a suck movie that conflates shocking or gross with scary.
Glass Spider (00:14:19 PM): These guys go through a lot of highball glasses.
kaosdevice (00:14:47 PM): 80’s cop cars? wha?
kaosdevice (00:15:13 PM): not on the map, sorta like this plot.
Glass Spider (00:15:14 PM): Rabbit is good, Rabbit ids wiiiiise.
kaosdevice (00:15:30 PM): fantastic facial hair.
Glass Spider (00:15:42 PM): A lot of spirit gum died so we could hate this movie.
Glass Spider (00:16:17 PM): Suddenly I’m missing the pigs.
Glass Spider (00:16:31 PM): The porcine ones, that wasn’t a cop joke.
kaosdevice (00:16:45 PM): pigs, cats and dogs…weird theme we are starting to get here.
kaosdevice (00:17:18 PM): this movie owes me ten bucks just for the first 16 minutes.
Glass Spider (00:17:36 PM): Reveal!: police are scared of the country!.
kaosdevice (00:18:07 PM): you can tell something ominous is going on by the lame music.
Glass Spider (00:18:10 PM): More expo in print. Cheap.
Glass Spider (00:18:37 PM): Is she the baby? Do I really care?
kaosdevice (00:18:43 PM): I know EXACTLY how she feels dying in that cell, I just happen to also have a keyboard.
kaosdevice (00:19:13 PM): pretty intense, unlike this scene.
Glass Spider (00:19:20 PM): Those are some spiffy classic cars, though.
kaosdevice (00:19:44 PM): They are tellin’ all ya all it is sabotage!
Glass Spider (00:20:08 PM): Is six years long enough to do that to a corpse? No, really, I wanna know.
Glass Spider (00:20:47 PM): ‘Cause the tapes seem to show an awful lotta skeletonized bodies.
kaosdevice (00:21:00 PM): Uwe wouldn’t know how to frame a scene if someone gave him a level and a t square.
Glass Spider (00:21:11 PM): It’s the house from "Home."
Glass Spider (00:21:29 PM): Got Mama on the crawly-gator under the bed.
kaosdevice (00:22:15 PM): house seems to be light-switch free it seems. But full of great video feeds. Aw rats!
Glass Spider (00:22:21 PM): Call Andy Taylor. Or Barney Freakin’ Fife. This movie just broke several torture laws.
kaosdevice (00:22:45 PM): wow, scary if you could have seen what the hell happened.
Glass Spider (00:23:07 PM): What, screeching rodents aren’t scary enough for you?
kaosdevice (00:23:33 PM): the blair dork project
Glass Spider (00:23:58 PM): He’s the Mad Dentist!
Glass Spider (00:24:06 PM): "Is it safe?"
kaosdevice (00:24:40 PM): wth? This movie wants us to just assume scary things are going on. ‘Listen, isn’t that terrifying!’
Glass Spider (00:24:50 PM): I guess 1980 cop cars didn’t come equipped with flood lights, either.
Glass Spider (00:25:12 PM): It’s just not takin’ me there.
Glass Spider (00:25:31 PM): "Random Last Name!"
Glass Spider (00:25:43 PM): "Red Shirt!"
Glass Spider (00:25:55 PM): "Peepants!"
kaosdevice (00:26:13 PM): This has the suspense value of a really bad harlequin romance novel.
Glass Spider (00:26:28 PM): The paperboy in Better Off Dead was scarier than this.
kaosdevice (00:27:05 PM): I’m going to take a pee tell me if I miss anything, oh wait, I won’t.
Glass Spider (00:27:08 PM): And, the calls were coming from inside the house!
Glass Spider (00:28:03 PM): Way to split up in the dark. Did you learn nothing from Scooby-Doo?
kaosdevice (00:28:37 PM): Is anything going to happen here that we actually get to see?
Glass Spider (00:28:47 PM): Boll saved a mint on set design and electricity.
kaosdevice (00:28:56 PM): This is the horror film version of a book on tape.
kaosdevice (00:29:34 PM): send more cops….
Glass Spider (00:29:41 PM): "Porn-stache! Forehead! Where are you guys?"
kaosdevice (00:30:05 PM): Sanchez! Get on point! Bewildered, where are you!
Glass Spider (00:30:17 PM): Guess the uni’s are the equivalent of redshirts in this movie.
Glass Spider (00:30:41 PM): Dude, it’s one of his own men.
Glass Spider (00:30:45 PM): Betcha.
kaosdevice (00:30:47 PM): I think he wants him to pick it up so he could kill him right now.
kaosdevice (00:31:30 PM): Ok, revision, drink when something is going on that you can’t really see.
Glass Spider (00:31:40 PM): I think Boll spent the money he saved on waterproof cameras.
kaosdevice (00:32:18 PM): is he making sweet love to that serial killer, because it sounded pretty porno.
Glass Spider (00:32:29 PM): Gosh, that was amazingly annoying.
Glass Spider (00:33:07 PM): Why does death-row serial-killer get to keep his mask on?
Glass Spider (00:33:47 PM): Pleatherface is terrifying. To cops, anyway.
kaosdevice (00:33:48 PM): why doesn’t he have a round in his skull about now?
kaosdevice (00:34:18 PM): I think the seed in this movie is for the tree of apathy.
Glass Spider (00:34:39 PM): "Signed, Grindol Calderon." Cripes, that guy writes like a doctor.
kaosdevice (00:35:17 PM): annnnd the electric chair they made sure to mention at the beginning.
Glass Spider (00:35:35 PM): The room fulla suits and freshly-peed floor are kinda scary.
Glass Spider (00:36:11 PM): Booooooooooored.
kaosdevice (00:36:19 PM): this movie left sense at the altar and ran off into the night.
Glass Spider (00:36:38 PM): It’s the Julia Roberts of horror movies.
Glass Spider (00:36:46 PM): More reason to hate it.
kaosdevice (00:37:05 PM): oh, it had my hate at hello.
Glass Spider (00:37:27 PM): Maybe Richard Gere will save us.
kaosdevice (00:37:48 PM): this movie would actually be IMPROVED by pigs.
Glass Spider (00:38:36 PM): 10 minutes of noisy fumbling in the rainy dark, and *this* is what they choose to show us in full light?
Glass Spider (00:39:06 PM): It’s worse those 15 minutes after last call!
kaosdevice (00:39:11 PM): A movie that was actually better for not being able to see what was going on.
kaosdevice (00:39:29 PM): that is what my brain feels like.
Glass Spider (00:39:50 PM): Maybe past-Michael Pare will come from The Philadelphia Experiment and save us.
kaosdevice (00:40:12 PM): that is just shocking
Glass Spider (00:40:12 PM): In the battleship, even.
Glass Spider (00:40:44 PM): Is this really just an argument against capital punishment?
kaosdevice (00:41:01 PM): an argument against good cinema perhaps.
Glass Spider (00:41:09 PM): Because this movie should get a lethal injection.
Glass Spider (00:41:27 PM): It’s killing my will to live. In cold blood.
Glass Spider (00:41:59 PM): Oooooo, he said the effword!
kaosdevice (00:42:28 PM): I just….ok…I need to gather myself and recoup from this barrage of stupid.
Glass Spider (00:42:42 PM): Hey! A date!
Glass Spider (00:43:11 PM): I guess reading can pay off.
kaosdevice (00:43:25 PM): Reading is fundamental
Glass Spider (00:43:34 PM): For kids!
Glass Spider (00:43:42 PM): Like Knife-wrench!
kaosdevice (00:44:15 PM): if only that could put the movie in that same box to be buried. I’d feel a lot better about the world.
Glass Spider (00:44:33 PM): I’m not sure nails would hold it in.
kaosdevice (00:44:38 PM): drink
kaosdevice (00:45:30 PM): gosh, I couldn’t POSSIBLY guess what is coming up next!
Glass Spider (00:45:33 PM): Give that cop a whiskey!
kaosdevice (00:45:40 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:46:03 PM): Hear ’em trying for the Cape Fear music? It’s kinda cute, in a way.
Glass Spider (00:46:44 PM): This movie better get some Klieg-spots, or I’m gonna get shitfaced.
kaosdevice (00:46:46 PM): to give credit where credit is due, Uwe does know how to make a truly horrible movie. That is a gift.
Glass Spider (00:47:05 PM): He’s the Ed Wood of our time.
Glass Spider (00:47:16 PM): Minus the fuzzy sweaters.
kaosdevice (00:47:30 PM): Ed Wood is like Orson Welles compared to Uwe.
Glass Spider (00:48:08 PM): "We’ll print no schlock before we’re paid."
Glass Spider (00:48:17 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:48:18 PM): fishsticks!
kaosdevice (00:48:22 PM): crap
Glass Spider (00:48:49 PM): The dirt was pooping caskets.
Glass Spider (00:49:25 PM): Hey, look; it’s Lana Lang’s child-doppelganger.
kaosdevice (00:49:27 PM): This movie erupted from that same earth. The soil itself rejected it.
Glass Spider (00:49:50 PM): The soil… soiled itself?
kaosdevice (00:50:01 PM): you think something bad is going to happen here? nahhhhhh.
kaosdevice (00:50:10 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:50:18 PM): Damn.
Glass Spider (00:50:54 PM): Bet Ol’ Sparky kills the executioner just fine.
kaosdevice (00:51:08 PM): big German dude and a cigar? Ahnold? Nope just Rolph.
Glass Spider (00:51:14 PM): Have more Scotch, that always helps.
kaosdevice (00:51:26 PM): Get to de choppah!
Glass Spider (00:51:33 PM): Drink.
kaosdevice (00:52:03 PM): Are you not entertained!
Glass Spider (00:52:09 PM): NO!
kaosdevice (00:52:15 PM): me neither.
Glass Spider (00:52:39 PM): This flick’s going to be a sixer, for sure.
kaosdevice (00:52:49 PM): This movie feels like putting your head through dry wall, repeatedly.
Glass Spider (00:53:02 PM): Dronk!
Glass Spider (00:53:16 PM): Nice uprobe shot.
Glass Spider (00:53:51 PM): DRINK!
kaosdevice (00:53:51 PM): Thank god we didn’t get a naked Rolph Muller
Glass Spider (00:54:03 PM): Sooooo daaaark.
kaosdevice (00:54:38 PM): This film is going to give me alcohol poisoning.
Glass Spider (00:54:54 PM): Classic tongue-bite. But they’re never that crunchy. I mean c’mon.
Glass Spider (00:55:09 PM): Good thing it’s only beer.
Glass Spider (00:55:28 PM): Beer. That’s a funny word.
kaosdevice (00:55:29 PM): Was that supposed to be frightening? Because, well, you saw.
Glass Spider (00:55:33 PM): Beeeeeerrr.
kaosdevice (00:55:57 PM): Rooooooolph!
kaosdevice (00:56:11 PM): Hit it until it works!
Glass Spider (00:56:17 PM): Best thing about this mobie: lamps. Great fapping lamps.
Glass Spider (00:56:50 PM): At least Pleatherface is wasting no time killing off the conspirators.
kaosdevice (00:57:06 PM): What the hell is this guy supposed to be? Plus what in the world does any of this have to do with seed?
Glass Spider (00:57:22 PM): Um, Seed was his name.
Glass Spider (00:57:29 PM): Or his press-handle.
kaosdevice (00:57:32 PM): His last name?
Glass Spider (00:57:43 PM): Or who even cares any more…
Glass Spider (00:58:09 PM): That little girl has been the same age for 5 years.
kaosdevice (00:58:32 PM): Wait let me check the stupid meter. \…………/./ Almost maxed out.
Glass Spider (00:59:19 PM): She should be in a remake of Poltergeist. Oooo, too soon?
kaosdevice (00:59:31 PM): She sees stupid movies.
Glass Spider (00:59:45 PM): No, we do. For the greater good.
kaosdevice (00:59:52 PM): They are everywhere they just don’t realize it.
Glass Spider (01h:00:09 PM): I know Uwe doesn’t.
Glass Spider (01h:00:33 PM): Psuedo Cape Fear score again, wow.
Glass Spider (01h:00:57 PM): I wish Rober DeNiro would murder this movie.
kaosdevice (01h:01:37 PM): You makin’ me watch you movie? You makin’ me watch? *click* Gun out
Glass Spider (01h:01:46 PM): Nice. Bury the evidence.
kaosdevice (01h:02:08 PM): I’m thinking he was burying the script.
kaosdevice (01h:02:16 PM): or maybe Uwe
Glass Spider (01h:02:23 PM): It would be an empty coffin.
Glass Spider (01h:02:44 PM): Hey it’s that guy!
kaosdevice (01h:02:50 PM): They opened the Stargate!
kaosdevice (01h: 03:28 PM): I remember singing ‘My Five Cops’ as a child.
Glass Spider (01h: 03:31 PM): You’re questioning me and my majestic hair?
Glass Spider (01h: 04:06 PM): OMG, the name of the town — didja catch it?
Glass Spider (01h: 04:15 PM): "Sufferton."
kaosdevice (01h: 04:26 PM): just like us with this movie.
Glass Spider (01h: 04:29 PM): Says it all.
Glass Spider (01h: 04:40 PM): He’s tenderizing her skull.
kaosdevice (01h: 04:50 PM): he’s tenderizing her, for flavor!
Glass Spider (01h: 04:52 PM): And so am I. Beer me!
kaosdevice (01h: 06:03 PM): I know this is supposed to be horrific but it is really kind of dull.
Glass Spider (01h: 06:06 PM): I’m shocked this isn’t happening in a windowless basement like everything else in this movie.
Glass Spider (01h: 06:32 PM): Slow torture. Remind you of anything?
kaosdevice (01h: 07:07 PM): this makes me feel like what this film is doing to me.
Glass Spider (01h: 07:11 PM): That was sincerely gross. But it sounds like crunching on celery stalks.
Glass Spider (01h: 07:26 PM): Cue Cape Fear.
Glass Spider (01h: 08:34 PM): Were going on 5 minutes of beating her head with a kitchen mallet.
kaosdevice (01h:08:41 PM): yeah, we get it you are smashing her head in, Let’s drag this on as long as possible to make it whatever the hell it is supposed to be. The big penultimate scary scene. YAWN.
Glass Spider (01h:08:51 PM): 5… minutes. Imagine it.
kaosdevice (01h:09:42 PM): I’ve had bloody noses that were more disturbing to me.
kaosdevice (01h:10:19 PM): Uwe just.does.not.get.it.
Glass Spider (01h:11:09 PM): Okay, I get it. Pleatherface does his mojo in daylight, and the cops do all their deeds in the dead of night. Are we making some artsy statement here?
kaosdevice (01h:12:25 PM): Starsky and boredom on the case!
Glass Spider (01h:12:28 PM): Are we feeling kind of sorry for poor Uwe?
Glass Spider (01h:12:40 PM): He tries. he tries so hard.
Glass Spider (01h:12:59 PM): Wow, mang — dig that shag rug!
kaosdevice (01h:13:19 PM): Wow they had Ikea back in the 80’s?
Glass Spider (01h:13:21 PM): It was fanTAStic!
kaosdevice (01h:13:49 PM): He needs a Shamwow for that bathroom
Glass Spider (01h:14:25 PM): Not true to 1980; that gore-soaked bathroom would have been done in harvest gold, with way more mirrors.
Glass Spider (01h:14:39 PM): More faux-Fear.
kaosdevice (01h:14:39 PM): Is this movie ever going to end?
Glass Spider (01h:14:54 PM): Some day it will, Timmy. Some day.
kaosdevice (01h:15:00 PM): It started in the late Paleolithic.
Glass Spider (01h:15:31 PM): That’s fair, ’cause you’d need carbon-dating for Pare’s suit.
kaosdevice (01h:16:43 PM): This movie feels like someone constantly poking you in the back of the head on a long road trip.
Glass Spider (01h:16:54 PM): Gee, Paw, will Detective Drinky ever get his man?
Glass Spider (01h:17:42 PM): This movie kicked the back of my seat all the across the International Dateline.
kaosdevice (01h:18:31 PM): Or the viewers of this movie.
Glass Spider (01h:18:34 PM): Pleatherface just wants a real mask. Like Cronenberg in Nightbreed had.
kaosdevice (01h:19:06 PM): could this music be more strident? Is this the Lifetime channel?
Glass Spider (01h:19:12 PM): Pneumatic tools, now?
Glass Spider (01h:19:31 PM): That’s another funny word. Pneuuuumatic.
Glass Spider (01h:19:54 PM): Everybody dies! Yes!
kaosdevice (01h:20:05 PM): Oh for the love of lard.
Glass Spider (01h:20:19 PM): Now Boll should break the third wall and do himself in front of the camera!
kaosdevice (01h:20:45 PM): This is the absolutely most horrible movie ending I have ever seen.
Glass Spider (01h:21:05 PM): You guys reaaaaally shoulda got him that Red Ryder bee bee gun. That’s all I have to say.

[  Mood: Scared ]
We are willingly, willingly going to watch a Uwe Boll film to protect you all from it.

Next up, ‘Seed’ (2007) as always contact us if you want in on the pain (you don’t).

[  Mood: Fed Up WIth Life ]
The Uninvited@Amazon

83 minutes that felt like 4 hours.

————————————————–

kaosdevice (00:00:23 PM): Tonight’s atrocity exhibition is 2009’s ‘The Uninvited’ and it staaaarts, now.
kaosdevice (00:01:22 PM): That is our hopes and dreams burning away
Glass Spider (00:01:29 PM): Beware of friendly fire…
kaosdevice (00:02:03 PM): she’s got the Innsmouth look and he has a condom. Match made in heaven
Glass Spider (00:02:25 PM): Another voiceover flick?
kaosdevice (00:02:40 PM): Because voiceovers NEVER get annoying.
kaosdevice (00:03:05 PM): She’s in the filthy forest near the grove of trash bags.
Glass Spider (00:03:15 PM): First-person narration is not a viable substitute for writing. "and here’s where I lost my virginity…"
Glass Spider (00:03:52 PM): *Snooooore*
kaosdevice (00:04:04 PM): ok, it’s a drink every time something that is supposed to be scary is lame.
Glass Spider (00:04:19 PM): Because no one wants to look at a sick person all the time.
kaosdevice (00:04:30 PM): with an irritating bell.
Glass Spider (00:04:39 PM): Okay, it’s a dream, we get it.
kaosdevice (00:04:53 PM): like this movie
Glass Spider (00:05:13 PM): Insurance dividends for everyone!
Glass Spider (00:05:28 PM): Thanks, Dr. Obvious!
kaosdevice (00:05:38 PM): The deep ones are strong in this girl.
Glass Spider (00:05:57 PM): "Little red-headed girl"? Is this a Peanuts story?
kaosdevice (00:06:25 PM): Because you actually aren’t smart I’m just being polite.
Glass Spider (00:06:36 PM): Gosh, he doesn’t scream Dr. Bad-Touch at all.
kaosdevice (00:07:09 PM): The only way this dialogue could be more boring is if it was quoting me tax codes.
Glass Spider (00:07:36 PM): It’s a process. You have to forgive yourself. Feel your feelings. And 20 other clichéd analyst phrases!
kaosdevice (00:07:41 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:08:16 PM): Because you’re ugly, not cute like our fish-faced heroine.
kaosdevice (00:08:32 PM): this film likes its’ overhead cam shots.
kaosdevice (00:09:03 PM): nah, its’ a handgun!
Glass Spider (00:09:04 PM): Awwww, David Strathairn needed a payday.
Glass Spider (00:09:28 PM): Creeeee-py.
kaosdevice (00:09:40 PM): He does the pervy dad thing well.
Glass Spider (00:10:17 PM): I don’t want him to say "I wanted you all to myself," to his daughter. Not after Dolores Claiborne.
kaosdevice (00:10:46 PM): Could the music in this be more strident and obnoxious?
Glass Spider (00:10:48 PM): Yipe. Teen panties.
kaosdevice (00:11:08 PM): Mmmmmm sweaty Elizibeth Banks.
Glass Spider (00:11:18 PM): Yesssss, Precioussss.
Glass Spider (00:11:34 PM): Okay, go for stroganoff jokes!
kaosdevice (00:11:45 PM): just can’t go there too easy
Glass Spider (00:11:52 PM): Daddy likes ’em young.
kaosdevice (00:12:47 PM): Wow, that must have been house explosion lite(tm) for when you only want the appearance of a blown up building without the actual damage.
Glass Spider (00:12:59 PM): Chili-dog break! Cover me, I’m goin’ in!
kaosdevice (00:13:06 PM): go for it!
kaosdevice (00:14:37 PM): Ah the overblown drama, and could it be, some sort of plot? And now the Lifetime family drama portion of the movie.
kaosdevice (00:16:04 PM): Where we wrote down what the hell was going on in this movie.
kaosdevice (00:16:28 PM): Nice Texas Chainsaw Massacre attic.
Glass Spider (00:16:32 PM): Spooky. Dronk!
kaosdevice (00:17:22 PM): Hey it is Mama’s sick bell! What a keepsake, do they have some plague blankets and some rats with bubonic fleas as well?
Glass Spider (00:17:29 PM): We now return to the Special Presentation of "The Haunted Bell."
Glass Spider (00:17:50 PM): Not a Kodak moment.
kaosdevice (00:17:58 PM): The hand that bores the cradle.
Glass Spider (00:18:06 PM): Groooooossssss. Parental sex-noise.
kaosdevice (00:18:13 PM): Annnnd sex sounds, always a quality move.
Glass Spider (00:18:21 PM): Why man invented headphones.
Glass Spider (00:19:01 PM): I heard a bell. Did they get a cat?
Glass Spider (00:19:04 PM): Or a pig?
Glass Spider (00:19:13 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:19:21 PM): drink
kaosdevice (00:20:17 PM): scene you are being mean to our livers
Glass Spider (00:20:52 PM): She had therapy for her nightmares… How are we supposed to take any of this seriously?
Glass Spider (00:22:00 PM): Groooosssssss! More parental sex references.
Glass Spider (00:22:08 PM): And barfing.
kaosdevice (00:23:07 PM): she sucks at being creepy.
Glass Spider (00:23:15 PM): Is this Ethan Frome? Are they tricking me?
Glass Spider (00:23:30 PM): Ommmmm, she said the effword!
kaosdevice (00:23:30 PM): and she learned to carry on, hey! hey!
Glass Spider (00:24:14 PM): Clunkier foreshadowing than a porn-movie makeup artist.
kaosdevice (00:24:17 PM): ah bonding, this makes me feel warm and nauseous.
Glass Spider (00:24:58 PM): Little sis wears the demure one-piece, big sis, the slutty-kini!
kaosdevice (00:25:21 PM): there’s a reason nobody ever accused you of being smart son.
Glass Spider (00:25:31 PM): Reunited with the teen mauler.
Glass Spider (00:25:51 PM): Yep, Banks comes off more frigid and bitchy than scary.
kaosdevice (00:26:18 PM): lake delivery service, I’ll have a can of something interesting going on with a side of actual scary?
Glass Spider (00:26:48 PM): Burning chili-dog, with my burning desire for a coherent storyline.
kaosdevice (00:27:51 PM): I’m so bored my autonomic functions are falling asleep.
Glass Spider (00:28:11 PM): So the new step-mom’s a posessive wench, and dad’s a spineless go-bag. Anything helpful in that?
kaosdevice (00:28:15 PM): you may have to call the morgue Spidey.
Glass Spider (00:28:31 PM): Having trouble swallowing?
Glass Spider (00:28:37 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:28:45 PM): argh!
kaosdevice (00:29:41 PM): another deadly scene
Glass Spider (00:30:04 PM): Zombie mom. So? I grew up with my own terrors — ever heard of polyester bellbottoms?
kaosdevice (00:30:21 PM): Mr. Microphone?
Glass Spider (00:30:45 PM): Diet Rite?
kaosdevice (00:31:01 PM): I’ve seen games of Candyland that have had more complicated set ups then this ‘mystery’.
Glass Spider (00:31:17 PM): Chutes and Ladders!
Glass Spider (00:31:38 PM): Sisters in the bathtub — ain’t it cute.
kaosdevice (00:31:51 PM): Just a couple of sisters in their sexy under things hanging out in a tub. Completely normal.
Glass Spider (00:32:26 PM): These girls look about as Asian as white girls can look. Even their casting was rote.
Glass Spider (00:33:13 PM): Yay! Beamer! Car of choice for all gold-digging second wives!
kaosdevice (00:33:44 PM): The movie is giving me the dialogue equivalent of a wet willy right now.
Glass Spider (00:33:45 PM): Ooooo, sneaky, step-mom.
Glass Spider (00:33:55 PM): Not in the ears!
Glass Spider (00:34:22 PM): She does do Zero-Sum eyes pretty well.
Glass Spider (00:34:55 PM): Garbage-bag girl makes an appearance.
kaosdevice (00:34:58 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:35:55 PM): I’d probably have this movie figured out already if I cared enough to pay attention.
kaosdevice (00:36:05 PM): and everyone loves freshberries!
Glass Spider (00:36:52 PM): New mom cuts off all outside contact. Creepy, but for the wrong reasons.
kaosdevice (00:37:06 PM): I’ve seen circus clown acts that were more subtle
Glass Spider (00:37:47 PM): This girl dresses like Dora the Explorer. And not in a cute way.
Glass Spider (00:37:53 PM): One funny line.
kaosdevice (00:38:14 PM): This movie seems to be mostly about lingerie and bathing suits, oh and ennui.
Glass Spider (00:38:19 PM): "She’s like a crack whore, without the dignity."
kaosdevice (00:39:02 PM): Because nothing says payback like stealing vibrator batteries.
Glass Spider (00:39:15 PM): Wow, that’s some teenage rebellion — swiped the batteries out of mom’s B.O.B.
Glass Spider (00:39:41 PM): *Battery operated boyfriend.
Glass Spider (00:40:03 PM): Snooooorrrre.
kaosdevice (00:40:09 PM): Is this a movie about sisters or a Vivid Video production?
Glass Spider (00:40:24 PM): Maybe she’ll stay with me till I fall asleep.
kaosdevice (00:40:27 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:40:32 PM): Shouldn’t be long now.
kaosdevice (00:41:05 PM): Well it would be a yin/yang, that other film took me out for a bit.
Glass Spider (00:41:39 PM): He’s finally learned how to play a girl — act scared and needy.
kaosdevice (00:42:15 PM): that’s some wicked scoliosis
kaosdevice (00:42:21 PM): drink btw
Glass Spider (00:42:24 PM): Didn’t we already see all of this in Pet Sematary?
Glass Spider (00:43:27 PM): Bluuuuuue booyyyyyfriend….
kaosdevice (00:43:34 PM): They’ve called in the Coast Guard to save us from this movie! Oh, never mind we couldn’t be so lucky.
Glass Spider (00:43:53 PM): It’d have to be Navy Seals, at this point.
kaosdevice (00:44:07 PM): Because these are timber infested waters.
kaosdevice (00:44:44 PM): like this movie
Glass Spider (00:45:13 PM): Nothing’s ever her fault — ask her therapist.
Glass Spider (00:45:58 PM): It’s too soon to try and turn Dad against his new humpin’ dolly.
kaosdevice (00:46:00 PM): being in this movie, it has been hard for all of us.
Glass Spider (00:46:57 PM): I’m paranoid and emotional, but not crazy!
kaosdevice (00:47:06 PM): You don’t have to be crazy to be in this film but it helps! Huh huh huh huh!
kaosdevice (00:47:24 PM): I’m afraid for me.
Glass Spider (00:47:45 PM): Dang, big sister has some masculine shoulders.
kaosdevice (00:48:25 PM): She has the sleuthing skills of an Our Gang featurette.
Glass Spider (00:48:30 PM): Ewwww, now that was scary. Nobody should have to see anyone’s driver’s license photo.
Glass Spider (00:49:00 PM): Hey, it’s Dora the Explorer and Carmen San Diego!
Glass Spider (00:49:11 PM): Gross.
kaosdevice (00:49:20 PM): The suspense of this movie is as intense as a beating with a feather duster.
Glass Spider (00:49:32 PM): Yeeeaahhhh, that’s not creepy.
kaosdevice (00:50:00 PM): This one shore has a party mouthy…squeals like a pig for me step-daughter!
Glass Spider (00:50:15 PM): Or like a jig.
kaosdevice (00:50:44 PM): out of this movie
Glass Spider (00:51:01 PM): Mom, the most boring sexy showdown, ever.
kaosdevice (00:51:10 PM): of this movie
Glass Spider (00:51:31 PM): Maybe I could be institutionalized. For my protection.
Glass Spider (00:51:42 PM): From this movie.
Glass Spider (00:52:09 PM): More chili-dog!
kaosdevice (00:52:27 PM): This party is a smoking jacket, a martini and a pipe away from the Playboy club.
kaosdevice (00:54:02 PM): Oh movie, you are just trying your little heart out aren’t you?
kaosdevice (00:54:48 PM): ah more lame foreshadowing.
kaosdevice (00:55:05 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:55:09 PM): I wonder if that was a metaphor for how they came up with their screenplay…
Glass Spider (00:56:30 PM): It was like a set-up for one of those rhetorical moral questions.
Glass Spider (00:57:16 PM): If you had a fancy dinner party and all your guests were there, and none of them saw the main course fall on the floor, would you still watch the rest of this movie?
kaosdevice (00:57:21 PM): All she wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi and he wouldn’t give it too her!
kaosdevice (00:57:50 PM): I am ashamed to be in this film though
Glass Spider (00:58:06 PM): Or to be boning a hot chick 30 years younger than me.
kaosdevice (00:58:29 PM): You know what would be frightening? If something actually happened in this movie.
Glass Spider (00:58:38 PM): Not like that trash you usually wear.
kaosdevice (00:58:55 PM): He is reading from the book of Pointless 4:32
Glass Spider (00:59:01 PM): Oh, the hatred in her hazel eyes…
kaosdevice (00:59:47 PM): I see plot hooks, they are all around but nobody else in the film sees them.
Glass Spider (01:00:14 PM): What the eff is with the little LDS kid all the time? Did she miss her horse-drawn carriage ride home?
kaosdevice (01:00:52 PM): Something just ain’t Wright there.
Glass Spider (01:01:05 PM): Gosh, that would have meant something if I had any idea who the Wrights were.
kaosdevice (01:01:38 PM): Oh, so now it is a ghost thing?
Glass Spider (01:01:53 PM): The Hand that Mocks Credulity.
kaosdevice (01:02:04 PM): So the doctor gave her a pearl necklace. *cough* moving on…
Glass Spider (01:02:56 PM): Maybe the restaraunteur will give her some fresh sausage.
kaosdevice (01:02:59 PM): Keyhole cam!
Glass Spider (01:04:12 PM): Once this food is gone, I’ll have no more reason to be distracted from this film.
Glass Spider (01:04:21 PM): Or reason to live.
kaosdevice (01:04:27 PM): Wow completely didn’t see something bad coming there, oh wait I did. We’ve got the suspense value of a pendulum.
kaosdevice (01:05:01 PM): chick fight!
Glass Spider (01:05:28 PM): This is angry stepdaughter porn.
kaosdevice (01:05:32 PM): I just want to drug and kill you.
Glass Spider (01:06:36 PM): It might have had a chance if it could have decided: Ghost story or psycho-mom story.
Glass Spider (01:07:23 PM): I wish I could put a dresser in front of the door to my psyche.
Glass Spider (01:07:44 PM): I wish I could report this movie to the authorities.
kaosdevice (01:08:18 PM): Mildred? Really?
kaosdevice (01:08:37 PM): Stop hurting me movie.
Glass Spider (01:08:40 PM): Didn’t he ever see Gremlins?
Glass Spider (01:09:12 PM): It’s all fun and games till something rigs your electric stairs.
kaosdevice (01:09:28 PM): Ah the ghost of the protective mom.
Glass Spider (01:09:47 PM): Wow, her credibility just went through the roof.
kaosdevice (01:10:11 PM): This like it was directed by a brain damaged M. Night
Glass Spider (01:11:02 PM): Lemme guess… Step mom’s gonna win, but ghost mom will finish her off just in time to save the girls…
Glass Spider (01:11:51 PM): Gross. Step-nurse is stripping the teen to her underwears.
Glass Spider (01:12:40 PM): I believed Rebecca DeMornay soooooo much better in the role.
Glass Spider (01:14:05 PM): And now I babble crazy things at you to justify my psycho behavior.
kaosdevice (01:14:19 PM): the dumpster of doooooooom
Glass Spider (01:14:34 PM): Trash bags? Again?
Glass Spider (01:15:00 PM): Man, look at the delts on that girl!
kaosdevice (01:15:01 PM): gosh another amazing turnaround that didn’t make much sense.
Glass Spider (01:15:52 PM): It’s like Beautiful Creatures only much less interesting.
kaosdevice (01:16:27 PM): Oh for pete’s sake.
Glass Spider (01:16:52 PM): Couldn’t we just say it was all a bad dream?
Glass Spider (01:17:01 PM): Like this movie?
kaosdevice (01:17:24 PM): I wish. Now we get the big flash back into yaaaaawnsville.
Glass Spider (01:17:45 PM): And the flashback that explains it all… Really, Movie?
kaosdevice (01:18:01 PM): She was the cause of it all along.
kaosdevice (01:19:00 PM): Blah, blah, blah.
Glass Spider (01:19:31 PM): So it was all just a big accident — she was trying to kill her father, not her mother.
Glass Spider (01:20:07 PM): Oooooh, and she killed them all. Of course she did.
kaosdevice (01:20:28 PM): Sheesh, not even a miracle could cure this lameness.
Glass Spider (01:20:30 PM): THE HORROR!
Glass Spider (01:21:53 PM): Hey, maybe she was Mildred Kemp — and she killed those children, too!
kaosdevice (01:21:53 PM): at least we had chili dogs.
kaosdevice (01:22:04 PM): In another life!
Glass Spider (01:22:07 PM): *BUUUUUUURRRP*
kaosdevice (01:22:21 PM): Ooooooh how ominous.
kaosdevice (01:22:53 PM): Let’s give the murderous girl some scissors! What a great idea!
kaosdevice (01:23:24 PM): Lot’s of gals getting pearl necklaces in this movie. *cough* moving on…
Glass Spider (01:23:26 PM): This movie was so bad even the directors fought over who wouldn’t take credit for it.
kaosdevice (01:23:49 PM): Can’t believe I am still awake.

[  Mood: Sick ]
Our next attempt at being mugged by strangers in a dark alley for pocket change is 2009’s ‘The Uninvited’ a remake of an evidentially superior Korean horror film. Since we have a fetish for pain we are going to skip that one and go for the remake. As usual we are doing this Sunday night. If you want in (and all signs including the magic 8 ball say you don’t) let us know so you can join in on the chat and watch it with us. Considering the pain level there will probably be some sort of drinking game involving cats, pigs or as this movie looks, non-scary ‘frightening’ moments involved.