[ 
Mood: Angry ]
My Bloody Valentine @ Amazon
Horrible, just..horrible
With your hosts:
Glass Spider
and KaosDevice
————————-
kaosdevice (-0:59:41 AM): Today’s fiesta of agony is the remake of ‘My Bloody Valentine’ in 3D (we got glasses). This will suck in any D and the pain starts now.
Glass Spider (-0:59:47 AM): I’m having a hard time imagining how this could suck harder than the original.
kaosdevice (00:00:09 ): I’m already headachy and the movie hasn’t even really started.
Glass Spider (00:00:36 ): At least the ‘Za is awesome.
kaosdevice (00:01:04 ): The paper 3D glasses are more of a defense I think, from this movie.
Glass Spider (00:01:10 ): MORE reading? Didn’t we have enough of this in ‘Seed’?
Glass Spider (00:01:35 ): Going down a tunnel to… oh, the loss of hope.
kaosdevice (00:02:03 ): this movie looks to be full of methane
kaosdevice (00:02:27 ): it’s stupornatural!
kaosdevice (00:03:14 ): the screaming is from the screen testers
Glass Spider (00:03:56 ): He should have stuck with John Carpenter movies.
kaosdevice (00:04:16 ): ok, drink when something is shown in 3D for no damn reason.
Glass Spider (00:04:23 ): Wow, great monologue.
Glass Spider (00:04:34 ): Drink.
kaosdevice (00:05:11 ): drink
just kooky kids having fun to hip new music.
Glass Spider (00:05:18 ): Crapalicious ‘modern’ rock.
kaosdevice (00:06:35 ): Sheesh, the credits are going to run through the whole movie. Oh and that chick’s boobs are what got her in the film, for the 3D value
Glass Spider (00:06:52 ): Why does the prude always have the biggest rack?
Glass Spider (00:07:09 ): Venting a little methane of my own — sorry.
kaosdevice (00:07:17 ): my mentally challenged valentine.
Glass Spider (00:07:47 ): Was that Axel or Asshole?
kaosdevice (00:07:56 ): geezer, forehead guy, wheezy? Chicken lips?
kaosdevice (00:08:32 ): monogamy girl,? Soon to be dead kid?
kaosdevice (00:08:56 ): He’s got his wheezin’ respirator on.
kaosdevice (00:09:24 ): drink
Glass Spider (00:09:36 ): Wow, 3D eyeball on a stick — that could be Jeff Dunham’s newest puppet.
kaosdevice (00:09:58 ): Only if it is Dunham’s eyeball on the stick.
Glass Spider (00:10:09 ): Amen.
kaosdevice (00:10:10 ): Dude? Dude?
Glass Spider (00:10:26 ): They waste no time offing people.
kaosdevice (00:10:57 ): Good hopefully they will make this short….nah we couldn’t be so lucky.
Glass Spider (00:11:02 ): Oooooo, it’s coming right at us.
kaosdevice (00:11:30 ): How can they make something so gruesome still be boring?
Glass Spider (00:11:37 ): Call a spade a… dental instrument.
kaosdevice (00:12:10 ): pointless 3D
Glass Spider (00:12:21 ): I am getting some good ideas for (DRINK)
Glass Spider (00:12:45 ): …what to use as weapons in the coming zombie apocalypse.
kaosdevice (00:13:04 ): when I think of party I think of dangerous semi abandoned mine.
Glass Spider (00:13:37 ): Only if it’s a rave.
Glass Spider (00:13:51 ): Or maybe a baby shower.
kaosdevice (00:13:51 ): is this like a half hour film?
Glass Spider (00:14:04 ): We should be so lucky.
kaosdevice (00:14:25 ): he’s having his shaving ryan’s privates moment.
Glass Spider (00:15:07 ): I know he’s a better actor than that… maybe he’s so good he’s lowering himself to the level of the movie.
kaosdevice (00:15:21 ): his name s Axel Hummer? This is so going gay porn.
kaosdevice (00:15:47 ): oh, HOMER
kaosdevice (00:16:14 ): hardened bicycle thieves? Going back to my last statement
Glass Spider (00:16:28 ): So it’s ten years later and he can still only grow that Joe Dirt beard?
kaosdevice (00:16:57 ): He’s a mullet away from a truckzilla rally
Glass Spider (00:17:23 ): 3D camel-toe.
kaosdevice (00:17:40 ): and mooseknuckle there for a sec
kaosdevice (00:18:17 ): you don’t have to get me anything, I’ll be a shameless tramp for free!
Glass Spider (00:18:42 ): Yeeeah, white trash philanderers looooove chocolate hearts.
Glass Spider (00:19:01 ): Shoulda got him malt liquor.
kaosdevice (00:19:32 ): Where you goin’ movie, did you drop some X to go with the thumpin’ rave sound track?
kaosdevice (00:19:57 ): or some black tar heroin?
Glass Spider (00:20:40 ): Dude, I *like* Jensen Ackles, but he’s two slices of bread away from being a tasty ham-n-cheese sandwich.
kaosdevice (00:20:48 ): he has a sexual issue and he is yelling at the kid?
Glass Spider (00:21:32 ): With these glasses on, the pizza sauce on my shirt is scarier than this movie.
Glass Spider (00:21:42 ): It’s coming right at me!
Glass Spider (00:21:59 ): We haaaaave midget!
kaosdevice (00:22:02 ): gratuitous short person, oh and drink.
kaosdevice (00:22:36 ): 3D boobs!
Glass Spider (00:22:53 ): *Natural* 3D boobs!
Glass Spider (00:23:02 ): What’re the odds?
kaosdevice (00:23:16 ): ugh and 3D dude arse.
Glass Spider (00:23:38 ): Okay, we almost saw dangle. I don’t think I could handle that in 3D.
kaosdevice (00:24:00 ): YIPE!
Glass Spider (00:24:17 ): Full frontal! FUULLL FRONTAL!!!
kaosdevice (00:24:27 ): In the 3D
Glass Spider (00:24:45 ): Uhhhh, *female* full frontal, BTW.
Glass Spider (00:25:03 ): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:25:10 ): That gal isn’t afraid to walk around without her britches.
Glass Spider (00:25:48 ): Is she auditioning for the chrome mudflap girl model?
kaosdevice (00:26:09 ): that is one continuously naked woman, if I was a teen I’d be in my bunk.
Glass Spider (00:26:36 ): You’ll never find me under the bed… unless you’re over the age of 3 and a half.
kaosdevice (00:26:38 ): She’s being chased by Darth Vader?
kaosdevice (00:27:22 ): That wacky Louis *cue canned laughter*
Glass Spider (00:27:24 ): Shorty’s got a pair! Wow, what a talent pool.
kaosdevice (00:27:54 ): Mmmm fried dwarf, it’s what’s for lunch!
Glass Spider (00:28:05 ): Awww, what gave me away? The enormous stripper heels?
Glass Spider (00:28:33 ): Pickaxe has a longer reach than that, Nudey.
Glass Spider (00:28:51 ): *spatter* Drink!
kaosdevice (00:29:03 ): did that woman ever have clothes on in this movie?
Glass Spider (00:29:32 ): Yeah, like hours.
kaosdevice (00:29:35 ): back when I loved slutty naked chicks.
Glass Spider (00:30:07 ): Uhhhh, goooooo.
Glass Spider (00:30:14 ): He sure has a way with words.
kaosdevice (00:30:27 ): pardon me while I get gaspy and breathless at the sight of you, because you are amazing
kaosdevice (00:30:55 ): blah, freakitty blah blah
Glass Spider (00:31:02 ): Did she take acting tips from Kristen Kruek?
kaosdevice (00:31:41 ): I don’t know if it is the glasses or the movie itself giving me a raw nerve headache.
Glass Spider (00:32:02 ): Soooo, she got the Sheriff?
kaosdevice (00:32:14 ): she didn’t get no deputy.
Glass Spider (00:32:56 ): Yay, we get to see naked dead chick running away.
Glass Spider (00:33:34 ): 3D make me slo-mo.
kaosdevice (00:33:41 ): he got a bloody valentine, duh duh duuuuuh! Emphasis on the duh.
kaosdevice (00:34:26 ): I want to curse and take a swing at this movie.
Glass Spider (00:34:46 ): These crotchety old farts should be in the bowling alley; I understand it’s safe there.
kaosdevice (00:35:39 ): ah, the lame cursory accusations, always a good plot move.
Glass Spider (00:35:40 ): I wonder if he misses being the leading man to actresses wayyyyy too young for him…
Glass Spider (00:36:10 ): And it’s porn! A twofer!
Glass Spider (00:36:23 ): A snuffer twofer!
kaosdevice (00:36:35 ): this movie confuses cursing for dialogue
Glass Spider (00:36:59 ): Of course he misses it; he used to pretend boff Jamie Lee, for monkey’s sake.
kaosdevice (00:37:14 ): Who in the world names their kid Axel? I mean seriously.
Glass Spider (00:37:34 ): Besides Vikings, you mean?
kaosdevice (00:37:40 ): drink!
kaosdevice (00:38:06 ): Come sail away, on the briny seas of stupidity!
Glass Spider (00:38:40 ): This *is* a worse remake — at least I could laugh at the old one.
Glass Spider (00:39:05 ): This is just snoozy melodrama.
kaosdevice (00:39:15 ): He’s a runner that wishes he could but he can’t and lost his way sort of like this movie and us.
Glass Spider (00:39:17 ): Oooo, and burpy.
kaosdevice (00:39:50 ): pointless 3D! Tah Dah!
Glass Spider (00:39:51 ): He’s just a drifter, alone in his loner loneliness. Alone.
kaosdevice (00:40:19 ): This movie is going to kill me.
Glass Spider (00:40:32 ): Best part? Don’t know what color *anything* is supposed to be.
kaosdevice (00:40:54 ): And not figuratively, I will be dead at the end of it from overwhelming I don’t give a crapitude.
Glass Spider (00:42:26 ): We’re gonna do shots. It’s purely medicinal.
Glass Spider (00:42:32 ): Don’t try this at home.
kaosdevice (00:42:41 ): It’s Darth Murder!
Glass Spider (00:42:46 ): Also, done watch this movie.
Glass Spider (00:43:08 ): Just read our blog so you know where to find the 3D boobies.
kaosdevice (00:43:15 ): That’ll leave a mark
Glass Spider (00:43:24 ): And a stain.
kaosdevice (00:43:42 ): It’s the siren warning the miners to flee this movie!
Glass Spider (00:44:08 ): Sorry, that should’ve said "Don’t" watch this movie.
kaosdevice (00:44:27 ): why does he have deep space gear on?
Glass Spider (00:45:07 ): He’s like an armored cyclops.
Glass Spider (00:45:15 ): Cyclopsadillo.
kaosdevice (00:45:15 ): so he is like a ghost only really boring and violent?
kaosdevice (00:45:30 ): he needs a Jan hand
kaosdevice (00:45:58 ): drink
Glass Spider (00:46:15 ): Maybe the girl from The Uninvited did it.
kaosdevice (00:46:26 ): or some pigs
Glass Spider (00:46:38 ): You can cover your beefcake now.
kaosdevice (00:46:57 ): I’ve got a hairy warden, I call it my codpiece
Glass Spider (00:47:25 ): Oooooohhh, she’s a redhead. Kinda cute that way.
kaosdevice (00:47:42 ): those are some wonderful 3D boobs
Glass Spider (00:48:00 ): It’s Sheriff Dirt, being totally unintimidating.
Glass Spider (00:48:28 ): They’re aaalllllll boobs in this picture.
kaosdevice (00:48:51 ): Let’s check the meter on the not caring tank. E\..\……/F damn near empty.
Glass Spider (00:49:28 ): Animows? What kind of accent is that?
kaosdevice (00:49:40 ): they should have buried the movie right next to him.
Glass Spider (00:50:01 ): At least you *know* it was dead.
kaosdevice (00:50:14 ): this film was stillborn.
Glass Spider (00:50:27 ): And killed its mother.
Glass Spider (00:50:43 ): And killed my dog.
kaosdevice (00:50:51 ): after raping it.
Glass Spider (00:51:09 ): And feeding it chocolate. Hearts.
kaosdevice (00:51:33 ): well it is valentines or something, hell I don’t know anymore.
Glass Spider (00:51:37 ): Soooo, professional.
Glass Spider (00:52:06 ): My brain hurts.
kaosdevice (00:52:23 ): Hey the town has *A* black guy. I didn’t think that happened in Whiterton.
Glass Spider (00:52:47 ): He’s also a cop. Can you say ‘Redshirt’?
kaosdevice (00:53:21 ): If I was that character I would catch the next bus out of this movie.
Glass Spider (00:53:47 ): Better a bus than that Bronco. What a P.O.S.
kaosdevice (00:54:30 ): Man I’ve had naked back in high school dreams that were more frightening than this flick.
Glass Spider (00:54:30 ): Getting motion-sick, now.
Glass Spider (00:55:03 ): Aaaaahhhhh! Pizza sauce!
kaosdevice (00:55:17 ): upcoming pointless 3D!
Glass Spider (00:55:29 ): At least the horn section is awake.
kaosdevice (00:55:32 ): ding!
Glass Spider (00:55:41 ): Aaaaand cue the tympani.
Glass Spider (00:56:11 ): Old guy: check.
kaosdevice (00:56:14 ): I’m going to have to resort to Jameson’s to get through this be right back.
Glass Spider (00:56:34 ): Shotgun: check.
Glass Spider (00:56:50 ): Skeevy bathrobe: check.
Glass Spider (00:57:18 ): All we need is Dennis Hopper and an (DRINK!) oxygen mask.
kaosdevice (00:57:24 ): I…I..I…always loved you!
Glass Spider (00:57:32 ): Drink!
Glass Spider (00:57:47 ): Cripes! Drink!
Glass Spider (00:58:02 ): Uuuuurf.
kaosdevice (00:58:19 ): this is murder, of my soul
Glass Spider (00:58:59 ): I do think she’s cuter as a redhead than as a blonde.
kaosdevice (00:59:17 ): gadzooks this whole scene has pointless in capital letters written on it.
kaosdevice (00:59:34 ): much like the viewers of this movie
Glass Spider (00:59:49 ): Aaaah, Kerr Smith. Who you call when even Skeet Ulrich won’t take the job.
kaosdevice (1:00:12 ): ah pointless annoying character, think she will die?
Glass Spider (1:00:29 ): Only really a question of when.
kaosdevice (1:00:53 ): ominous noise, better go check it out.
kaosdevice (1:01:17 ): trepanation would be a relief after this.
Glass Spider (1:01:17 ): Girl’s got some really big feet, though.
kaosdevice (1:01:47 ): this movie does like its swearin’
Glass Spider (1:02:17 ): Not nearly enough gratuitous boobage to balance it out.
kaosdevice (1:02:35 ): oh goodness, movie, seriously?
Glass Spider (1:02:53 ): They got all their sponsor product-placement out in one long pan-shot.
kaosdevice (1:04:04 ): I’ve never been more under whelmed by a ‘suspenseful’ scene ever.
kaosdevice (1:04:30 ): oh wait, the whole earlier part of this movie, I have to recant.
Glass Spider (1:04:32 ): Movie, you’re supposed to make sure I care about a character before you put them in jeopardy.
Glass Spider (1:05:24 ): Suuuure, look out the window, stupid.
kaosdevice (1:06:14 ): oh feh, just feh. If this movie was a guy standing in this room I would kick it in the groin.
Glass Spider (1:06:26 ): *Now* she triggers the alarm system? She should have stayed blonde. At least we’d have had fair warning.
kaosdevice (1:06:51 ): THAT would at least be entertaining. Right?
Glass Spider (1:07:12 ): I know I’d enjoy it more than this tripe.
kaosdevice (1:07:34 ): what in the hell does a mine have to do with valentines day anyway, was it a date thing?
Glass Spider (1:07:46 ): If this gets any lamer, we’re gonna have to start shotgunning.
kaosdevice (1:08:16 ): Did I miss something when I was looking for something to overdose on rather than watch this?
Glass Spider (1:08:18 ): I think it was the name of the mine.
Glass Spider (1:08:41 ): Didn’t we have this same conversation last movie?
Glass Spider (1:08:56 ): It must be all the not caring.
kaosdevice (1:09:02 ): This would suck even if it was in 4D.
Glass Spider (1:09:24 ): But at least then we’d have control of time and space.
Glass Spider (1:10:02 ): We should have respirators for this thing.
kaosdevice (1:10:16 ): I’d control time and space to make this stupid film not happen. Oh and to have not given that Nigerian prince all my money.
Glass Spider (1:10:24 ): "I’m getting too old for this shit."
kaosdevice (1:11:23 ): Hey it is Swedish horror!
kaosdevice (1:11:30 ): S-Horror
Glass Spider (1:11:32 ): That’s what this movie needs… More Danny Glover!
kaosdevice (1:12:06 ): he got scared by a roomba
Glass Spider (1:12:44 ): Ooohhh, movie, you can stop trying now — you lost me an hour ago.
kaosdevice (1:12:44 ): pointless 3D!
Glass Spider (1:13:11 ): That was one helluva dryer, though.
kaosdevice (1:13:34 ): Oh movie, you don’t have to suck more, you’ve already been bad enough.
Glass Spider (1:14:02 ): This movie could use more of *any* Glover.
kaosdevice (1:14:05 ): he wants to ‘show her something’ if you know what I mean.
Glass Spider (1:14:21 ): Danny.
Glass Spider (1:14:25 ): John.
Glass Spider (1:14:32 ): Crispin, even.
kaosdevice (1:15:00 ): I think they would wash their hands of this or at least their glovers.
Glass Spider (1:15:10 ): "He’s my density!"
kaosdevice (1:15:58 ): He’s calling from inside the car!
Glass Spider (1:16:26 ): Look out, Fans of pain, it’s the Third Act Red Herring call.
kaosdevice (1:16:41 ): Who is the killer? Tyler Durden?
Glass Spider (1:17:00 ): Pizza sauce!
kaosdevice (1:17:01 ): pointless 3D drink!
Glass Spider (1:17:03 ): Drink!
Glass Spider (1:17:43 ): What a twist! Oh, wait, it’s really not.
kaosdevice (1:18:00 ): hey that’s one of mine!
Glass Spider (1:18:18 ): Shoulda wrote yo name on it sucka!
kaosdevice (1:18:49 ): The good part of predictable movies is it really makes that not caring thing a lot easier.
Glass Spider (1:19:13 ): So, how’d a brunette and a redhead have a little towheaded kid, anyway?
kaosdevice (1:19:40 ): they bought him on the open market
kaosdevice (1:20:03 ): towheads are a hot commodity right now
Glass Spider (1:20:51 ): I hoped the 3D glasses would filter out some of the suck, but they really don’t.
kaosdevice (1:21:14 ): weirdly I wish I had a hamster in one of those plastic balls I could throw at the TV right now. Don’t ask me why.
Glass Spider (1:21:36 ): They do leave me with a glimmer of hope that I missed something that made all of this make some kind of sense, though.
Glass Spider (1:21:54 ): That’s just mean.
Glass Spider (1:22:11 ): Hamsters are sweet. And delicious.
kaosdevice (1:22:15 ): You’d need scout training a compass and a map to find any sort of point in this forsaken crapfest.
Glass Spider (1:22:44 ): This outing is making us mean.
kaosdevice (1:23:02 ): this movie makes me want to hurt something small fluffy and cute
Glass Spider (1:23:13 ): Makin’ KD wanna shoot a panda in the head for refusing to propagate.
kaosdevice (1:23:52 ): makes me want to gnaw on Plexiglas
Glass Spider (1:24:23 ): "Don’t move Asshole. I mean Axel."
Glass Spider (1:24:50 ): "He’s the crazy one, not me."
kaosdevice (1:25:02 ): I want to smack this movie upside the head and then kick it repeatedly in the ribs.
Glass Spider (1:25:12 ): "Shoot us both, Spock!"
kaosdevice (1:25:25 ): ask which one the liar is!
kaosdevice (1:25:56 ): shoot me! No I mean me, KD
Glass Spider (1:26:02 ): Do it! Dooooo it!!!
kaosdevice (1:26:13 ): take this movie out of my misery
Glass Spider (1:26:32 ): My glasses are itchy.
Glass Spider (1:27:00 ): Least intense standoff, ever.
Glass Spider (1:27:37 ): Beefcake!
kaosdevice (1:27:43 ): well this is a predictable reveal
Glass Spider (1:27:52 ): Boy’s got some manly shoulders, man.
kaosdevice (1:28:34 ): pointless 3D
Glass Spider (1:28:38 ): Sooooo, boring. Fight Club-lite.
kaosdevice (1:29:09 ): oh what frelling ever.
Glass Spider (1:29:09 ): Might puke. Maybe it’s the beer.
Glass Spider (1:29:17 ): Maybe it’s the glasses.
kaosdevice (1:29:29 ): nah it’s the movie
Glass Spider (1:29:47 ): Definitely not the fear/gross factor of this stupendously boring flick.
kaosdevice (1:30:06 ): This movie need pigs, or cats or rotting dogs.
Glass Spider (1:30:17 ): Aaahhh, my liver!
kaosdevice (1:30:53 ): c’mon movie, you’ve still got some suck left in you!
Glass Spider (1:31:23 ): How can Jensen make me believe he’s a ghost hunter returned from hell, but can’t make me buy this garbage?
Glass Spider (1:31:46 ): Between the eyes.
kaosdevice (1:32:08 ): What is she the Bard from Esgaroth? (ooooh hardcore nerd ref there)
Glass Spider (1:32:09 ): >sssnnoooooore<
kaosdevice (1:32:16 ): drink
Glass Spider (1:32:17 ): Drink!
kaosdevice (1:32:36 ): drink
Glass Spider (1:32:37 ): DRINK!
kaosdevice (1:32:53 ): yipes!
Glass Spider (1:33:02 ): Good damn thing this is almost over; we gonna run outta hooch.
kaosdevice (1:33:25 ): He’s laughing at the fact we watched this whole damn movie.
Glass Spider (1:33:26 ): And it all starts all over again!
Glass Spider (1:33:31 ): Scaaaary.
kaosdevice (1:33:59 ): My Incomprehensible Valentine.
1. Glass Spider (1:34:24 ): My Bloody Suspension of Disbelief.
kaosdevice (1:34:37 ): C’mon movie that’s enough let us go.
Glass Spider (1:34:38 ): My aching ass.
Glass Spider (1:35:35 ): Keep on the lookout for M.B.V.II, The Insulin Coma.