Cinema Destructo

[ Mood: Sick ]
Tonight’s Pain – Platoon of the Dead (2009).

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kaosdevice (00:00:07 PM): Yes, it is 2009’s ‘Platoon of the Dead’ by John Bowker! Nope we got no idea who he is either! But you might know him from several other awful films such as the Evilmaker (1 and 2) and Twisted Illusions 2. Yeah we never saw those movies either. Anyway here…we…go…
Glass Spider (00:00:10 PM): With your hosts, Chicken and Tater. No, wait that’s dinner…
Glass Spider (00:00:37 PM): And again, we begin by reeeeaading.
kaosdevice (00:00:37 PM): the threat of a suck movie….
kaosdevice (00:00:58 PM): faux military music is a go sir!
Glass Spider (00:01:13 PM): Good thing we’re literate. Or maybe not so good… We’ll see.
kaosdevice (00:01:30 PM): oh lord, asthma cam again.
kaosdevice (00:01:50 PM): shot in SpazOVision!
Glass Spider (00:02:36 PM): I repeat what I said when I saw the trailer — This makes Canadian TV look like Oscar-worthy cinematography.
kaosdevice (00:02:42 PM): He suffers from treelimbthroughthechestovitus.
Glass Spider (00:03:10 PM): Oh, teeeeeeerrible effects.
Glass Spider (00:03:18 PM): Okay, that wasn’t unfunny.
Glass Spider (00:03:51 PM): I’ve seen better fake unicorn horns.
kaosdevice (00:03:56 PM): oh man this one is really going to leave a mark…on us.
kaosdevice (00:04:33 PM): he’s got a laser gun? This is laser tag gone all wrong.
Glass Spider (00:04:34 PM): Score straight out of old Twilight Zone episodes.
kaosdevice (00:05:06 PM): So this is in the slightly stupid future?
Glass Spider (00:05:17 PM): Upnose-cam in 3… 2… 1…
kaosdevice (00:05:22 PM): Wait, very stupid future.
Glass Spider (00:05:55 PM): Seriously, are old TV scores public domain, now?
Glass Spider (00:06:22 PM): This is so lame its hypnotic.
kaosdevice (00:06:29 PM): this movie is a concussion weapon.
kaosdevice (00:06:54 PM): so the platoon is Aerosmith?
Glass Spider (00:07:40 PM): I’m without words for how lame this is.
kaosdevice (00:07:57 PM): this guy is all about the ‘or worse’ scenario.
Glass Spider (00:08:07 PM): These actors were kicked out of community theatre.
kaosdevice (00:08:29 PM): This dialogue is porn movie-worthy
kaosdevice (00:08:52 PM): "have you seen my…big gun?"
Glass Spider (00:09:12 PM): These actors are waaaayyy to good for porn.
Glass Spider (00:09:55 PM): So, he’s holding his laser carbine like it’s a long rifle — where’d this guy train, the Salvation Army?
kaosdevice (00:10:14 PM): I don’t know if I can make it through this movie Sarge!
Glass Spider (00:10:40 PM): We don’t leave a man behind!
kaosdevice (00:10:50 PM): Someone was eating a large bowl of cornflakes.
kaosdevice (00:11:13 PM): ominous fiiiiiiiiish!
kaosdevice (00:11:44 PM): ok, drink when someone says something obvious to the viewer.
Glass Spider (00:11:59 PM): This is deadly — the music is like every Zone ep I’ve ever seen, but the movie couldn’t scare Cindy Brady!
kaosdevice (00:12:41 PM): it is like the soundtrack is a character.
Glass Spider (00:13:05 PM): And it’s a better actor.
kaosdevice (00:13:13 PM): true, true
Glass Spider (00:13:23 PM): Product placement!
kaosdevice (00:13:32 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:14:07 PM): I can’t answer you, can’t you see I’m listening to my beret?
kaosdevice (00:14:39 PM): leveled to the ground, isn’t leveled enough?
Glass Spider (00:15:08 PM): Wow, beret-Guy wouldn’t even cut his hair for this role — it’s poking out from under his beanie!
kaosdevice (00:15:13 PM): She? Ma’am? That is so a dude in a wig
Glass Spider (00:15:39 PM): The zombies are pretty.
kaosdevice (00:15:41 PM): pew pew pew pew
kaosdevice (00:16:08 PM): they couldn’t afford fake ammo for this film. Nice.
Glass Spider (00:16:41 PM): So they decided not to even waste money on squibs.
kaosdevice (00:17:01 PM): well, they could edit in..pew pew pew pew
Glass Spider (00:17:14 PM): It’s like G.I. Joe made a zombie home movie.
kaosdevice (00:17:49 PM): Nice pornstache
Glass Spider (00:18:07 PM): "Disarray." It pays to increase your word power.
Glass Spider (00:18:18 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:18:21 PM): This is a rerun of the Z Team.
Glass Spider (00:18:21 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:19:17 PM): ‘sir’ looks like a goth girl with a pornstache.
kaosdevice (00:20:12 PM): Valley of the Drabs
Glass Spider (00:20:38 PM): Dang, lookit the mane on that guy.
Glass Spider (00:20:55 PM): Oh, so they’re lesbians.
Glass Spider (00:21:00 PM): Of course.
kaosdevice (00:21:39 PM): The SciFi (excuse me SyFy) channel would refuse this movie.
Glass Spider (00:22:01 PM): Three boys, three girls — did someone say "Spin the Bottle"?
kaosdevice (00:22:17 PM): and we have cleavage!
Glass Spider (00:22:24 PM): Jill’s the chatty one.
Glass Spider (00:23:17 PM): Okay, "Heather"’s rack is waaayyy too freckly to have hair that black.
Glass Spider (00:23:44 PM): She’s like a homely Jennifer Tilly.
kaosdevice (00:23:51 PM): Sgt. Gothgirl can I talk to you?
Glass Spider (00:24:38 PM): Before the war he was Major Grungepants.
kaosdevice (00:24:54 PM): Except, I don’t like women Cptn Pornstache!
Glass Spider (00:24:57 PM): But it was an honorific title.
kaosdevice (00:25:12 PM): He does!
Glass Spider (00:25:28 PM): Cannibal pot roast!
kaosdevice (00:25:35 PM): And they have eyeliner I need!
Glass Spider (00:26:06 PM): Till you see the whites of their eyes! Damn!
kaosdevice (00:26:13 PM): The signal is chimmichanga.
Glass Spider (00:26:17 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:26:35 PM): because you are filthy
Glass Spider (00:26:48 PM): Stocky Jennifer Tilly is bossy.
kaosdevice (00:26:57 PM): or I will give you some of the pew pew
Glass Spider (00:27:08 PM): It’s a magic shower curtain!!!
kaosdevice (00:27:37 PM): wow, could they telegraph that trapdoor in the floor more?
Glass Spider (00:27:56 PM): Nothing up my sleeve, and… Presto!
Glass Spider (00:28:54 PM): Headless housebreaker is spooky. Don’t make a sound!
kaosdevice (00:29:00 PM): evidentially they found a house from the late 1970’s to hide in.
Glass Spider (00:29:35 PM): These Army dudes have incredibly clean fatigues.
Glass Spider (00:29:57 PM): Ladies and gentlemen, miss Elsa Lanchester!
Glass Spider (00:30:22 PM): I wish he’d put the beret back on.
kaosdevice (00:30:47 PM): I want to push this movie down a flight of concrete stairs.
Glass Spider (00:31:12 PM): No wonder it didn’t drop him, you used the cap pistol!
Glass Spider (00:31:22 PM): Pew-pew-pew!
Glass Spider (00:31:51 PM): Sell it, lady-hater!
kaosdevice (00:32:15 PM): If stilted dialogue was a drug this movie would sell it by the gram.
Glass Spider (00:32:24 PM): He’s playing Army Man! And later he’s gonna be a cowboy!
kaosdevice (00:32:51 PM): then an astronaut-fireman!
Glass Spider (00:33:09 PM): Did they call the prop department for all those dry leaves?
kaosdevice (00:33:34 PM): but it is delicious!
Glass Spider (00:33:43 PM): Say your thanks to Peter Jackson for that one.
Glass Spider (00:34:04 PM): Suuuuuuuu…..
kaosdevice (00:34:13 PM): are you sure I should leave my pew-Pew-atron 5000?
Glass Spider (00:34:15 PM): …..speeeennnse.
Glass Spider (00:34:57 PM): Aw, shucks, ma’am.
kaosdevice (00:35:01 PM): gonna take a wee, will probobly be more interesting that the current scene.
Glass Spider (00:35:17 PM): Oooo, scary tree.
Glass Spider (00:35:40 PM): Pewaaaaahhhhhmmmm. The sound of a laser carbine dying.
Glass Spider (00:36:23 PM): Wow, this guy even talks to himself in really bad dialogue.
kaosdevice (00:36:26 PM): I feel the same way
kaosdevice (00:36:43 PM): or made you watch this movie.
Glass Spider (00:36:53 PM): Drink!
Glass Spider (00:37:20 PM): Lotta pukin’ in this movie.
kaosdevice (00:37:29 PM): made you watch a RBM, what’s an RBM? Really Bad Movie…like this one.
Glass Spider (00:37:38 PM): Hope they have Scope in the future.
kaosdevice (00:38:07 PM): it’s raaaaiiiinnng laaaameee!
Glass Spider (00:38:08 PM): And, cue the hose.
Glass Spider (00:38:11 PM): Drink!
Glass Spider (00:38:46 PM): "We humans will never win?"
Glass Spider (00:38:52 PM): Wow.
Glass Spider (00:39:12 PM): More puking?
kaosdevice (00:39:30 PM): a lot of puking in the last few CD outings.
Glass Spider (00:39:34 PM): Turn off the hose!
kaosdevice (00:39:57 PM): less pew-pew
Glass Spider (00:40:37 PM): Lt Heroic Jaw is the worst actor I’ve ever seen.
kaosdevice (00:40:53 PM): YUP
Glass Spider (00:41:04 PM): I take it back, *she’s* worse.
Glass Spider (00:41:18 PM): "If you know what I mean…"
kaosdevice (00:41:43 PM): the lameness is sucking out MY will to live.
Glass Spider (00:42:01 PM): Polite of that corpse to keep its feet together while being dragged.
kaosdevice (00:42:14 PM): it is Dexter for the low rent set.
Glass Spider (00:42:21 PM): Fire up the SKIL saw!
Glass Spider (00:42:33 PM): It’s BatChest!
kaosdevice (00:42:44 PM): foooor the ladies
Glass Spider (00:43:20 PM): Call the Commissioner; tell him to activate the Chest Hair Signal!
kaosdevice (00:43:31 PM): aw a clumsy attempt at romantic interest.
kaosdevice (00:43:54 PM): and the middle, he is kind of rough and sucky everywhere really
Glass Spider (00:44:09 PM): And easy to tell who’s the catcher, and who’s the pitcher.
kaosdevice (00:44:48 PM): its always ouija boards for kicks. Imagine if someone used it for serious!
Glass Spider (00:44:56 PM): "Kids playing around with the supernatural"? Really.
Glass Spider (00:45:01 PM): Really, Movie?
kaosdevice (00:45:30 PM): hey, it is a lame Evil Dead flashback.
Glass Spider (00:45:35 PM): He likes ’em large.
Glass Spider (00:45:58 PM): "NNnnoooooOOOO!"
Glass Spider (00:46:40 PM): We need our mute friend to get laid by a nice dumb boy.
kaosdevice (00:47:07 PM): I can’t, I can’t hold on much longer Spidey.
Glass Spider (00:47:14 PM): Wow, this sucks right out loud.
Glass Spider (00:47:32 PM): I think I want chicken.
kaosdevice (00:47:40 PM): I can see some skulls I’d like to crack.
Glass Spider (00:47:51 PM): OMFG — this couldn’t be worse.
Glass Spider (00:49:01 PM): "Here I am covered in zombie goop, and you’re lookin’ kinda horny… Wanna get it on?
Glass Spider (00:49:05 PM): "
kaosdevice (00:49:19 PM): d e a r g o d m a k e t h i s t o p
Glass Spider (00:49:55 PM): I can’t. I just observe and report.
Glass Spider (00:50:22 PM): Mmmmm, Gummi-intestines! Kids love ’em.
kaosdevice (00:50:26 PM): how can someone loook sort of bored as their guts are ripped out?
Glass Spider (00:50:49 PM): Oooo, I git the sphincter!
Glass Spider (00:50:53 PM): Awww, lucky!
Glass Spider (00:51:50 PM): Come on, Mute-girl! Kick him in the balls!
Glass Spider (00:52:19 PM): Internal struggle. The lifeblood of any lock-in movie.
Glass Spider (00:52:58 PM): Unfortunately, this one has no heartbeat. It’s a zombie zombie movie.
Glass Spider (00:53:25 PM): That guy is a problem and should be eliminated.
Glass Spider (00:54:26 PM): Dude, I can’t cover this alone.
Glass Spider (00:54:34 PM): Iiiiiit huuuurtssss!
kaosdevice (00:55:13 PM): sorry, was whomping up the food. I was weak.
Glass Spider (00:55:38 PM): Seriously, I’ve seen Dead Alive, and Bad Taste, and Meet the Feebles. This is worserer.
kaosdevice (00:56:10 PM): what?
Glass Spider (00:56:21 PM): Hey, maybe the zombie plague was started by a Sumatran Rat Monkey.
kaosdevice (00:56:55 PM): this has gone from stupid to lost in the woods of completely metally debilitated.
Glass Spider (00:57:16 PM): Okay, now we’ve progressed to 90’s Outer Limits music.
Glass Spider (00:57:30 PM): The dirctor must have had a CD.
kaosdevice (00:57:32 PM): and special effects!
kaosdevice (00:57:46 PM): and filmmaking!
Glass Spider (00:58:10 PM): Awww, he’s having a bad dream. Quick, check his penis.
Glass Spider (00:58:37 PM): At least all these girls have really big boobs.
kaosdevice (00:58:55 PM): yeah, they recruited some good strippers
Glass Spider (00:59:45 PM): They’ve just crossed over into… the Dumbshit Zone.
Glass Spider (01:00:45 PM): Do we have to watch the whole thing?
kaosdevice (01:00:48 PM): couldn’t get her out in time to get out of this movie.
kaosdevice (01:01:33 PM): Oh it is BSG?
Glass Spider (01:01:33 PM): She’s a Cylon?
kaosdevice (01:02:41 PM): How much longer is this monstrosity? Seriously?
Glass Spider (01:02:45 PM): Give this one to Patton Oswalt; it can’t be as bad as Death Bed: the Bed That Eats People.
Glass Spider (01:03:24 PM): Can we do another 20 minutes of this sewage?
Glass Spider (01:03:48 PM): Jaw boy sure talks to himself an awful lot.
Glass Spider (01:04:37 PM): Mmmm, corpses made of chicken skin and butterscotch pudding.
kaosdevice (01:04:56 PM): Ugh, can we just call one and move on? Does that break our covenant with the people?
Glass Spider (01:05:03 PM): Oh, they started the CD over.
Glass Spider (01:05:27 PM): I dunno. It’s reeeally bad.
Glass Spider (01:05:56 PM): It’s Darth Douchebag! Ruuuunnn!
kaosdevice (01:06:04 PM): are we seeing every lunkhead stereotype and cliché phrase at one time?
Glass Spider (01:06:59 PM): Uuugh. This is so terrible.
kaosdevice (01:07:06 PM): no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
Glass Spider (01:07:36 PM): Yes, we want you all awake for the big reveal.
kaosdevice (01:07:43 PM): I hate to say it but I am white flagging it, this movie won.
kaosdevice (01:08:01 PM): let’s kill this thing please?
Glass Spider (01:08:11 PM): That’s it? Just walk away? After all we’ve been through together?
Glass Spider (01:08:31 PM): Are you getting to old for this shit?
kaosdevice (01:08:52 PM): I need a beer.
Glass Spider (01:09:01 PM): **too
Glass Spider (01:09:15 PM): MORE puking?
Glass Spider (01:10:11 PM): It’s not scary enough to be scary, not gross enough to be gross, no nudity, no effects.
Glass Spider (01:10:21 PM): It’s shite inside and out.
kaosdevice (01:10:47 PM): I’ve seen a few worse movies, but the emphasis is on few.
Glass Spider (01:11:05 PM): I’m having a hard time thinking of any.
kaosdevice (01:11:06 PM): You tell ’em Sgt Gothchick!
Glass Spider (01:11:35 PM): That was quick.
kaosdevice (01:12:07 PM): Show him some karosyrup bratwurst!
kaosdevice (01:12:33 PM): she runs like a girl.
Glass Spider (01:12:44 PM): Pluck out his eye, then make him your supersoldier? Way to plan ahead.
Glass Spider (01:13:16 PM): Gas masks must be cheaper than zombie goop.
kaosdevice (01:13:25 PM): they can’t pay for blanks, judging by the area there are gun shows there all the time. The pew-pew is getting old.
kaosdevice (01:13:59 PM): Dear Movie, Please, Please die. Sincerely, Me.
Glass Spider (01:14:34 PM): So they’re immune to bullets, but a good ole tree branch gives ’em what-for?
Glass Spider (01:14:44 PM): That’s it. I give.
Glass Spider (01:14:49 PM): Uncle.
kaosdevice (01:14:54 PM): He just walked through a door in the original Doom game judging by that sound effect.
kaosdevice (01:15:13 PM): NNNNNoooooooooooooo!!!!
kaosdevice (01:15:19 PM): Pew pew pew pew pew
Glass Spider (01:15:28 PM): This guy saw Predator too many times.
kaosdevice (01:15:51 PM): get to de bettah moofeee!!!!
Glass Spider (01:15:52 PM): I don’t care what happens to any of these people.
Glass Spider (01:16:45 PM): Yay, red-puking. That’s new.
Glass Spider (01:17:51 PM): I can’t do it. Five minutes left, and I can’t.
kaosdevice (01:18:00 PM): would you please just end movie? I tried to give up already.
Glass Spider (01:18:28 PM): It takes no surrender.
Glass Spider (01:18:50 PM): And it’s the wrong gun.
Glass Spider (01:19:04 PM): And the wrong movie.
kaosdevice (01:19:21 PM): BLEH
Glass Spider (01:20:22 PM): I can’t believe anyone admitted to being involved with this piece of dreck.
kaosdevice (01:20:32 PM): I will find this movie in a dark alley some night and poke its’ eyes out with a filthy needle for having made me watch it.