CinemaDestructo : Gnaw (2009)

[ Mood: Angry ]
Tonight we barely made it through GNAW (2009)

The queasiness is wearing off.

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kaosdevice (00:01:08 PM): Tonight’s piece of pain is 2009’s GNAW
Glass Spider (00:01:18 PM): Here we go — more reading.
Glass Spider (00:01:54 PM): Starting to not care at 2 minutes in…
kaosdevice (00:02:08 PM): ah, she’s wearing her running slip.
Glass Spider (00:02:18 PM): This is your brain on cordwood.
kaosdevice (00:02:45 PM): I’ll get away by following this clearly demarcated path!
Glass Spider (00:03:14 PM): When yer get-up-n-go has got up -n- went…
kaosdevice (00:03:28 PM): Does this guy have COPD or something? He needs an inhaler.
Glass Spider (00:03:44 PM): …she’ll hanker for a hunk-a — ewwww. Pitchfork.
kaosdevice (00:04:20 PM): Now brought to you with PantyVision(tm)!
Glass Spider (00:04:22 PM): Man, I’m starting to feel sorry for bumpkins.
kaosdevice (00:05:01 PM): This film likes its repetitive piano bangin’.
Glass Spider (00:05:02 PM): They’re always torture-obsessed, cannibal hermaphrodites with bad teeth in these movies.
Glass Spider (00:05:43 PM): Least he knows how to get at the good parts!
kaosdevice (00:05:58 PM): I don’t think he is sticking very close to health codes there.
Glass Spider (00:06:00 PM): Don’t let that liver get away!
Glass Spider (00:06:14 PM): Why won’t he "liver" alone?
Glass Spider (00:07:01 PM): Scored by the Amazing One-Fingered Piano Virtuoso!
kaosdevice (00:07:03 PM): GNAW…now brought to you with 100% more misogyny!
kaosdevice (00:08:00 PM): This series of boring articles will fill you in on the back-story a retarded chipmunk could figure out.
Glass Spider (00:08:06 PM): Wake me when it gets exciting. Zzzzzz…
Glass Spider (00:08:33 PM): Mmmm — SPAM!
kaosdevice (00:08:42 PM): Remember that part of the movie where something happened? Nah, me neither.
kaosdevice (00:09:11 PM): Hi, welcome to the vaguely passive aggressive diner!
Glass Spider (00:09:14 PM): Thought U.K. was all mayo and vinegar.
Glass Spider (00:09:42 PM): Yay! Food poisoning.
kaosdevice (00:09:49 PM): She just realized what movie she was in.
Glass Spider (00:10:32 PM): Drink every time you see bad teeth? No way, too easy.
kaosdevice (00:10:35 PM): cue lame music and GO!
kaosdevice (00:10:55 PM): HEY!
Glass Spider (00:11:10 PM): Whoo! Road trip!
kaosdevice (00:11:15 PM): I’d say drink when nothing happens, but we would wind up in the ER
Glass Spider (00:11:26 PM): Why does all Brit pop sound like the Beatles?
Glass Spider (00:11:42 PM): Holy blood-bag, Batman!
kaosdevice (00:11:52 PM): I think you might have hit a part of the plot!
Glass Spider (00:12:13 PM): Eww. She’s butch.
kaosdevice (00:12:22 PM): That cat died faster than my interest in this movie.
Glass Spider (00:12:29 PM): Do trucks have a "boot"?
Glass Spider (00:12:38 PM): Not the cats again.
kaosdevice (00:12:46 PM): I’m waiting for pigs.
Glass Spider (00:13:06 PM): I could make some really cheap jokes.
Glass Spider (00:13:28 PM): Tip number one:
kaosdevice (00:13:30 PM): The cell phones won’t work from this movie, I mean house.
Glass Spider (00:13:51 PM): Never go on vacay where there’s no cell reception without a shotgun.
kaosdevice (00:14:17 PM): They haven’t built cell infrastructure in cannibalville.
Glass Spider (00:14:34 PM): Oh, cliché train pulling in on Track 4.
Glass Spider (00:15:25 PM): Those jewelry boxes always creeped me out.
kaosdevice (00:15:26 PM): Hey puking goth chick! (that was one of my favorite songs as a child.)
kaosdevice (00:15:40 PM): Pervy cam.
Glass Spider (00:15:52 PM): Side boob!
kaosdevice (00:16:10 PM): Is this guy filled with steam?
kaosdevice (00:16:20 PM): He’s a Victorian era cannibal?
Glass Spider (00:16:27 PM): He gonna punish the pope while he’s peepin’? That’s gross.
Glass Spider (00:16:48 PM): Steampunk peeper!
Glass Spider (00:17:14 PM): I guess we’ve identified the prude on this trip.
kaosdevice (00:17:37 PM): I’ve seen golf tourneys more sexy than this part of the movie.
Glass Spider (00:17:57 PM): And scarier.
kaosdevice (00:18:36 PM): ah generic scary noise in the background how can we ever get tired of you?
Glass Spider (00:18:36 PM): Petty thief, peeper, candlestick maker…
Glass Spider (00:18:53 PM): That dinner is scaring me a little.
Glass Spider (00:19:28 PM): It seems this is a movie of food horror.
kaosdevice (00:19:29 PM): lotta puking and gagging in this flick. It is like an anti-bulimia film.
Glass Spider (00:19:56 PM): They need to quit — I get to drinking and gagging is gonna set me off.
kaosdevice (00:20:01 PM): I guess Chutes and Ladders was too complicated for this lot.
Glass Spider (00:20:32 PM): What’s this bitch’s deal?
Glass Spider (00:20:40 PM): I say she’s first to die.
kaosdevice (00:20:53 PM): I want them all to die really.
Glass Spider (00:21:05 PM): Yeeeaaahh.
kaosdevice (00:21:37 PM): Is this frakking Scream 1 alla sudden?
Glass Spider (00:21:42 PM): People who barely tolerate each other shouldn’t go off the grid and drink too much wine.
Glass Spider (00:22:44 PM): This movie is brought to you by the silent ‘T’ and the number of the beast.
kaosdevice (00:23:12 PM): I’ve seen periodic tables that were less formulaic than this.
Glass Spider (00:23:52 PM): Summat wroit on the winder in shite?
Glass Spider (00:23:55 PM): WTF?
Glass Spider (00:24:47 PM): Should’ve gone with the teeth thing — we’d both be drunk now and it wouldn’t matter.
kaosdevice (00:24:58 PM): Hey there pointless soon to be dead side character!
Glass Spider (00:25:26 PM): Not her, man, she makes the menu, remember?
kaosdevice (00:25:33 PM): drink for every lame faux sex scene (or related)
Glass Spider (00:25:43 PM): Cool.
kaosdevice (00:26:31 PM): bore my ass off tiny dancer.
Glass Spider (00:26:35 PM): Blood’s gonna look great on that duvet.
kaosdevice (00:27:05 PM): man loves his fried spam.
Glass Spider (00:27:24 PM): Bet it’s loooong poooork, mate.
Glass Spider (00:27:39 PM): Mmmm, tub-o-urine!
kaosdevice (00:27:48 PM): that is the wheezy version of nightvision the British military uses.
Glass Spider (00:28:19 PM): What. A. Pussy.
kaosdevice (00:28:30 PM): Who is that, the Brit Andrew Zimmern?
Glass Spider (00:28:50 PM): Could be — he’s a total wuss.
kaosdevice (00:28:59 PM): and by out of your league I mean you don’t puke enough for her.
Glass Spider (00:29:07 PM): Is it a siren?
Glass Spider (00:29:31 PM): And then eat them.
kaosdevice (00:29:57 PM): yeah, that first person flash light camera thing isn’t COMPLETELY overused or anything…
Glass Spider (00:30:14 PM): Generic night soundtrack #3, and… Go.
Glass Spider (00:30:36 PM): Her legs ain’t broke!
kaosdevice (00:30:47 PM): Oh hell, I was hoping he would wander across something that would make me care about anything in this movie.
Glass Spider (00:31:13 PM): Chocolates?
Glass Spider (00:31:20 PM): Nooo, EPT.
kaosdevice (00:31:37 PM): Like we didn’t see that a light year away.
kaosdevice (00:32:00 PM): To bad it wasn’t an Early Plot Test.
Glass Spider (00:32:03 PM): Ohhh, so boring. Lot’s of birds out here.
kaosdevice (00:32:13 PM): It’s a Trap!
kaosdevice (00:32:42 PM): Yeah I’ll take my meat with a side of meat and some meat.
Glass Spider (00:33:07 PM): Get me a sticker! Meeeat!
kaosdevice (00:33:29 PM): Evidentially she feels every sentence should contain the word ‘dear’.
Glass Spider (00:33:34 PM): What’s with all the organ meat, anyway? No roasts?
Glass Spider (00:33:53 PM): That’s how you know she’s harmless, dear.
kaosdevice (00:34:06 PM): Why dear, it is liver, with a side of kidney, some brain and chunks of ass fat. Over beans.
Glass Spider (00:34:35 PM): Go, Puker, go!
kaosdevice (00:34:36 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:34:59 PM): *rimshot*
kaosdevice (00:35:12 PM): steeeeeaaaaammmmmm…..
Glass Spider (00:35:46 PM): The layers of boring are obscuring the layers of tension in this movie.
kaosdevice (00:36:01 PM): I think I got some boring in my eye.
Glass Spider (00:36:09 PM): Wow, she’s obedient.
kaosdevice (00:36:29 PM): He’s getting a blanket for his bum from the boot!
kaosdevice (00:36:44 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:36:46 PM): Unwashed steampunk killer at large!
kaosdevice (00:37:32 PM): hisssss…..gasssssp….hissss….gasp….they are being stalked by a guy in an iron lung.
kaosdevice (00:38:30 PM): look at all this menacing stinky stuff! I better comb through it for no damn reason!
Glass Spider (00:39:04 PM): I know it’s totally lame, but I would explore the dark tool shed full of rusty cutting implements. It’s just who I am.
Glass Spider (00:39:48 PM): All these guys are weak, and the girls are all gaggers.
kaosdevice (00:39:53 PM): Hannah! Follow the sound of my ratty moustache!
Glass Spider (00:39:59 PM): I don’t want any of them to make it.
kaosdevice (00:40:15 PM): She’s having a heavy flow month.
Glass Spider (00:40:24 PM): I Pant on Your Grave.
Glass Spider (00:40:44 PM): Chew it off! It’s the only way!
kaosdevice (00:40:52 PM): What is that mask? Is he a young leprous Santa?
Glass Spider (00:41:01 PM): Aww, Curly bit it.
kaosdevice (00:41:24 PM): This movie makes me wish I had stock in the British karo syrup industry.
Glass Spider (00:41:31 PM): It looks like the Swamp Thing in a duster.
kaosdevice (00:42:08 PM): He’s worthless and weak.
Glass Spider (00:42:15 PM): Douchebag gets it next.
kaosdevice (00:42:36 PM): Ed is too busy being delicious.
Glass Spider (00:42:40 PM): No, no he won’t, because that would make us happy.
Glass Spider (00:43:34 PM): The ‘mouth-breather’ jokes are just too easy.
kaosdevice (00:43:44 PM): not even gratuitous bloody boobs saves this one.
kaosdevice (00:44:23 PM): He was REALLY going to reach in a boiling pot of soup? Was he dropped on his head?
Glass Spider (00:44:23 PM): And by bloody he means reeeeaally bloody, not the Brit slang bloody.
Glass Spider (00:45:16 PM): These people obviously never ate at my gramma’s house.
Glass Spider (00:45:23 PM): Now that was scary.
kaosdevice (00:45:32 PM): Where is the tapioca?
Glass Spider (00:45:51 PM): Needle in the stuffing.
Glass Spider (00:46:00 PM): Band-aid in the gravy.
Glass Spider (00:46:13 PM): Cocktail ring in the spaghetti.
kaosdevice (00:46:24 PM): She’s having a baby jack? Is that like magic jack?
kaosdevice (00:46:31 PM): Wifi via baby?
Glass Spider (00:46:32 PM): Don’t even ask about the meatloaf.
Glass Spider (00:46:54 PM): Awww, ten fingers, ten toes, serial ports…
kaosdevice (00:47:11 PM): The intense emotion of this scene is complemented by the gasping of the villain.
Glass Spider (00:47:29 PM): I thought that was just me yawning.
Glass Spider (00:47:52 PM): Booooo–
Glass Spider (00:47:57 PM): –ooooring
kaosdevice (00:47:58 PM): Well this guy should wind up in the shed, he is a complete tool.
Glass Spider (00:48:31 PM): What’s there, a werewolf in that car?
kaosdevice (00:48:34 PM): If the sweaty truck is rockin’ don’t come a knockin’.
Glass Spider (00:48:44 PM): They must have only had rights to the one song.
Glass Spider (00:49:30 PM): Oh, hell. I should’ve wished for money! I wasted it!
kaosdevice (00:49:35 PM): Sheesh a donkey would envy the teeth on that guy.
Glass Spider (00:49:43 PM): The douche *is* going to get it next.
Glass Spider (00:49:57 PM): Give that man a carrot!
Glass Spider (00:50:30 PM): Loooouud eating.
kaosdevice (00:50:31 PM): I still think that killer needs to clean that filthy place up. Doesn’t he know proper OSHA meat handling procedures?
Glass Spider (00:50:36 PM): Is that gristle pie?
Glass Spider (00:51:09 PM): Press-on nail in the pudding? You get the prize!
kaosdevice (00:51:21 PM): He can recognize a person from a fingernail? What is this CSI Midwichshirehampton?
Glass Spider (00:51:39 PM): 1986 called, they want that sweater back.
kaosdevice (00:52:11 PM): amateur dentistry is his hobby, drooling is his passion.
Glass Spider (00:52:18 PM): Ach! He’s a drooly steampunk.
Glass Spider (00:52:48 PM): Does that count as sexual? I’m drinking anyway.
kaosdevice (00:53:10 PM): Man, these idiots are drawn to this slaughterhouse like junebugs to a screendoor in summer.
Glass Spider (00:53:23 PM): And just as smart.
Glass Spider (00:53:45 PM): They keep bouncing against it like it won’t be there the next time.
Glass Spider (00:54:05 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:54:10 PM): Give him a good screamin’ at, that’ll fend him off.
Glass Spider (00:54:57 PM): I’m telling’ ya: No cell, big guns. Nuff said.
Glass Spider (00:55:21 PM): I don’t understand a single thing they just screamed at each other.
kaosdevice (00:55:24 PM): Movie, you just decided to call it in from here on out didn’t you?
Glass Spider (00:55:57 PM): Meredith, I’d like to use my Phone-a-Plot lifeline.
kaosdevice (00:56:39 PM): What the hell, did the killer turn into a shoggoth or something? What was with all that noise?
Glass Spider (00:56:39 PM): Seriously, that sweater looked sooo much hotter on Samantha Fox.
Glass Spider (00:57:19 PM): He stopped hammering on the door seconds ago; it must be safe to run now!
Glass Spider (00:57:49 PM): Spotty girls need love too.
kaosdevice (00:58:17 PM): I’ve been more unnerved by toenail clipping than this scene.
Glass Spider (00:58:23 PM): That wall is like my eyes.
Glass Spider (00:58:51 PM): Give us a kiss, dear.
kaosdevice (00:58:52 PM): Benjy? Oh you scamp!
Glass Spider (00:59:12 PM): These prissy chicks never had a chance.
kaosdevice (00:59:16 PM): He won’t eat th’ breeding’ stock.
Glass Spider (00:59:29 PM): Where’s the head butting and crotch kicking?
kaosdevice (01:00:04 PM): Where’s Jiwl? What language is that?
Glass Spider (01:00:48 PM): Aye, it’s the Queen’s bloody English, you Yank barbarian!
kaosdevice (01:00:55 PM): As a fellow Matt with asthma I actually kind of feel for that character, but not enough not to want to watch him get slaughtered.
Glass Spider (01:01:13 PM): What a hum-drum, sad little movie.
kaosdevice (01:01:46 PM): You’ll be safe, sound and seasoned.
Glass Spider (01:02:01 PM): Mmmm, dry rub?
Glass Spider (01:02:36 PM): So the last pathetic cannibal flick we watched had a Rebecca (or Rebecker, if you prefer)…
kaosdevice (01:02:43 PM): wow , he literally bitch slapped him there at one point.
Glass Spider (01:02:49 PM): And this one has a Matt. What’s up?
kaosdevice (01:03:01 PM): weird, I agree.
kaosdevice (01:03:19 PM): I think we know where the rest of this is going.
Glass Spider (01:03:29 PM): "Hey, Squirrel-Face! How ya like me now?"
Glass Spider (01:03:46 PM): Oh. Medium-rare, I guess.
kaosdevice (01:03:56 PM): It is herbalroofie tea, like my gran used to make.
Glass Spider (01:04:11 PM): Oh, look. She’s dressed for dinner.
kaosdevice (01:05:00 PM): this movie is as predictable as a multiplication table.
Glass Spider (01:05:00 PM): Enter obvious cannibal puns, stage left.
Glass Spider (01:05:35 PM): 8 x 4 = I’m scratching out my eyes, now.
Glass Spider (01:05:51 PM): Cat?
Glass Spider (01:06:30 PM): The no-slip gumrubbers really make that transparent skirt pop.
kaosdevice (01:06:36 PM): I know it is supposed to be creepy, but I just want to stab it with a salad fork.
kaosdevice (01:06:54 PM): That’s how this movie makes me feel.
Glass Spider (01:06:57 PM): Mmmm, acid-cooked, just like ma used to make.
kaosdevice (01:07:14 PM): please be the end…no?
Glass Spider (01:07:16 PM): It feels like it.
Glass Spider (01:07:27 PM): A year later, I mean.
kaosdevice (01:07:28 PM): I hate you movie.
kaosdevice (01:08:02 PM): feels like I’ve been watching this damn thing for a year.
Glass Spider (01:08:03 PM): No part of the cadaver is wasted — unlike the time I spent watching this.
Glass Spider (01:08:41 PM): Movie, Beck called; she wants her 90 minutes back.
Glass Spider (01:09:14 PM): Mmmm, fresh baby.
kaosdevice (01:09:38 PM): 10 million corpses strong…annnnnd groooowing….
Glass Spider (01:09:50 PM): Splish-splash, I was blendin’ some guts… all upon a Saturday night.
Glass Spider (01:10:22 PM): You should really cook that a little. Germs, you know.
Glass Spider (01:10:45 PM): Early reprieve!!!
kaosdevice (01:10:49 PM): finally. The length of the movie was a kindness really.
Glass Spider (01:11:40 PM): Gnaw — where 75 minutes feels like a month. I think I’m getting cramps.
Glass Spider (01:12:02 PM): And, cue the One Song!