[ 
Mood: Angry ]
We suffered (seriously) through ‘The Terminators’ (2009)
With your hosts/punchingbags-Glass Spider & KaosDevice.
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kaosdevice (-0:02:07): Today’s cinematic dose of the bubonic is ‘The Terminators’ (not to be confused with any iteration of *the* Terminator franchise, not that they would let you know) – 2009. Remember, we are here to save you.
kaosdevice (0:00:03 ): aaaaaaand we are starting now.
kaosdevice (0:00:52 ): not just any Martinez, A Martinez
Glass Spider (0:01:17 ): Yay, an underemployed London brother, and A Martinez… is this the Old and the Pitiful?
kaosdevice (0:01:25 ): in space nobody can hear you yawn.
Glass Spider (0:01:50 ): Looooooooong establishing shot — okay, we’re in space, we get it!
kaosdevice (0:02:33 ): HQ is sending up for the TR’s with LS for the STF for G43 stat on level 8
Glass Spider (0:02:56 ): So far I’ve seen Outer Limits with better production, and Tales from the Darksides with comparable dialogue.
kaosdevice (0:03:34 ): Free Trade Beowulf can you hear me (ooop sorry old nerdy gamer reference).
Glass Spider (0:04:04 ): "Your letters and commands bore me… Allow me to remove your heart." *schploiiikk!*
kaosdevice (0:04:32 ): It is the uprising of the steroid endowed!
kaosdevice (0:04:51 ): massive robot ‘roid rage!
kaosdevice (0:05:28 ): and switch the phase couplers.
Glass Spider (0:05:42 ): At 4 and a half minutes we get the endoskeleton degloving. They’re gonna shoot their FX wad while they’re sure we’re still awake.
kaosdevice (0:05:52 ): he didn’t just say ‘god help us all’.
Glass Spider (0:06:27 ): SeaQuest, do you read?
Glass Spider (0:06:34 ): I read only good books!
kaosdevice (0:07:02 ): go bananas, seriously? Go bananas?
kaosdevice (0:07:35 ): Before all our base belong to them.
kaosdevice (0:08:04 ): Well at least this move looks to be pig free so far.
Glass Spider (0:08:05 ): That actress can’t even figure out what to do with her hands.
Glass Spider (0:08:29 ): *Are* belong to them.
Glass Spider (0:10:38 ): God, this movie is turning us against one another…
kaosdevice (0:10:45 ): Man, Hawk the Slayer had better effects.
Glass Spider (0:10:51 ): Just so we don’t have to pretend to watch it.
Glass Spider (0:11:29 ): Feels like I should be watching this in 3D glasses.
kaosdevice (0:11:33 ): He ‘feels’ like they’ve been breached? Is he trying to get in touch with his inner breaching?
kaosdevice (0:12:10 ): Their alarm system is made of meerkats evidently.
Glass Spider (0:12:14 ): They only had 2 machine gunfire sounds, and they used ’em all up.
Glass Spider (0:12:58 ): A very splashy movie, blood-wise.
kaosdevice (0:13:12 ): Wow the future is just like the present except with twice as many idiots.
kaosdevice (0:14:41 ): A bomb of lameness exploded in downtown!
Glass Spider (0:14:55 ): Hey, find us a stew-bum we can clean up to look like Tom Sizemore!
Glass Spider (0:15:07 ): We don’t want anyone to upstage A Martinez…
kaosdevice (0:15:21 ): Depending on wind vectors we could have a cloud of lame here in two hours!
Glass Spider (0:15:55 ): What was that pipe made of? Wolverine’s spine?
kaosdevice (0:15:58 ): This movie loves its crap CGI effects.
Glass Spider (0:16:14 ): About as good as Mega Snake!
Glass Spider (0:16:39 ): That gun is compensating for something…
kaosdevice (0:16:57 ): They even try to make the music echo back to the real Terminator movies, I haven’t seen this much outright thievery since Enron.
Glass Spider (0:17:41 ): That scream was not convincing — They should have told her this movie was another hour long or something.
Glass Spider (0:17:57 ): More splashes, and meat-beating noises.
kaosdevice (0:18:51 ): I’ve wanted to say that to this movie for awhile.
Glass Spider (0:18:55 ): I don’t know what the Foley artist got for this job, but it should have been 5 to 10.
Glass Spider (0:19:39 ): The Bernie-nators?
Glass Spider (0:19:50 ): The Termi-Madhoffs?
kaosdevice (0:19:56 ): The Terminators Rise of The What The Hell Ever.
Glass Spider (0:20:08 ): Of my gorge.
kaosdevice (0:20:25 ): Why does her gun have a cork in it?
Glass Spider (0:20:47 ): At least the remake of "V" can’t suck this hard.
Glass Spider (0:20:59 ): Splashes! Drink!
kaosdevice (0:21:48 ): maybe she is calling a better movie to come save her.
Glass Spider (0:22:01 ): The FX department must have got a discount on stage blood.
kaosdevice (0:22:18 ): big run on Karo syrup that day.
Glass Spider (0:22:37 ): I’ve seen more realistic splatter effects in Tekken.
kaosdevice (0:22:50 ): hey, possible nudity coming up!
Glass Spider (0:23:03 ): They couldn’t even afford the real Jason Mewes.
kaosdevice (0:23:25 ): just you, me and your boobs.
Glass Spider (0:23:53 ): Her butt is better — splash! Dead. Drink.
kaosdevice (0:24:11 ): stop in the name of my arms!
Glass Spider (0:24:45 ): Random name? Sound guy? Black extra?
kaosdevice (0:25:20 ): Random girl that knows everything, thank goodness. Maybe she will also tell us why we are watching this.
Glass Spider (0:25:43 ): The crew of Kirk’s Enterprise swayed much more convincingly — that was just embarrassing.
Glass Spider (0:26:03 ): Splash!
kaosdevice (0:26:12 ): Quick let’s go from one random industrial complex to another random industrial complex!
Glass Spider (0:26:21 ): Gonna hafta get a beer, I guess.
Glass Spider (0:26:56 ): Probably got really cheap rates on a lot of empty warehouses.
Glass Spider (0:27:04 ): The recession, you know.
Glass Spider (0:27:17 ): Sounds like Jack Bauer…
kaosdevice (0:27:47 ): he’s running out of time!
kaosdevice (0:28:06 ): ooooh, she’s EMOTING!
Glass Spider (0:28:32 ): A… single… sparkling… saline-drop… I mean, tear.
kaosdevice (0:28:43 ): They need a map to find their way out of this film.
Glass Spider (0:29:12 ): Sway this way! Sway that way! We’re under attack!
Glass Spider (0:29:53 ): This is so bad, even Robert Englund said, "Nah, I’m washing my hair that week."
kaosdevice (0:29:56 ): Man cell phones in the near future really suck.
kaosdevice (0:30:31 ): They should have gone for the giant off road model van.
Glass Spider (0:30:40 ): I’m starting to wish I was a machine.
Glass Spider (0:31:02 ): VANZILLA!
kaosdevice (0:31:20 ): In the near future this movie will try and hunt mankind to extinction.
Glass Spider (0:31:39 ): Oohhhh, always gotta take out the black extra.
Glass Spider (0:31:53 ): I thought Obama changed everything!
kaosdevice (0:32:08 ): The Bore-anator.
Glass Spider (0:32:35 ): She was almost the only believable actor, so she had to go.
kaosdevice (0:32:37 ): what is with the echo? Is this forest in a cave?
Glass Spider (0:33:05 ): That Shaminator’s got back!
kaosdevice (0:33:21 ): ‘Try’ to stay alive?
Glass Spider (0:33:36 ): We don’t even know why it’s killing everyone. Should we care?
kaosdevice (0:33:51 ): TAH DAH!
kaosdevice (0:34:15 ): quit being mysterious in the name of the law!
Glass Spider (0:34:25 ): Try not — Die, or die not. There is no try.
kaosdevice (0:35:19 ): Dear movie, I hate you. Sincerely, Me.
kaosdevice (0:35:59 ): neither can I
Glass Spider (0:36:13 ): Martinez is really working that actor-muscle. He only sounds a little like he’s reading off a teleprompter.
kaosdevice (0:36:45 ): wow, he is a serious anti-smoker.
Glass Spider (0:37:45 ): Gawd, was Robert Beltran really too busy for this flick?
kaosdevice (0:37:53 ): Evidently that was just great.
Glass Spider (0:38:28 ): Well, he can’t be a Shaminator — he worships at a creepy shed-shrine.
kaosdevice (0:38:42 ): Cheesum Shatner has shorter dramatic pauses than this guy.
Glass Spider (0:39:04 ): He speaks slowly to fill airtime.
Glass Spider (0:39:32 ): If he talked like people, this movie’d only be 70 minutes long.
Glass Spider (0:41:19 ): "You can trust me; I’m wearing a raggedy trucker’s cap."
Glass Spider (0:42:08 ): "We don’t care if you volunteer, you’re just the extra."
kaosdevice (0:42:39 ): The dialogue in this movie is amazing. In the horrible car accident kind of way.
Glass Spider (0:42:40 ): They’re just… so… startled!
kaosdevice (0:42:54 ): Wait I still have some panting to do!
kaosdevice (0:43:26 ): need to feel them up?
kaosdevice (0:43:30 ): oh wait.
Glass Spider (0:43:39 ): Did Jack Bauer just show up?
Glass Spider (0:44:10 ): This movie needs more Redshirts.
Glass Spider (0:44:34 ): I’d like to use that gun on this movie.
kaosdevice (0:44:47 ): That sheriff has the gravitas of an Orange Julius.
Glass Spider (0:44:57 ): Where’s their Wookie?
kaosdevice (0:45:30 ): or time
Glass Spider (0:45:32 ): Hey, Orange Julius was my favorite Globetrotter! Or, wait, what?
Glass Spider (0:46:17 ): You said it, cheap, bulky Natalie Portman-knockoff!
kaosdevice (0:46:32 ): Ok, I’ll be over here contemplating suicide.
Glass Spider (0:47:40 ): Sooooo, these girls are like, what, Fox Force Five?
kaosdevice (0:47:42 ): Another Termin…I mean TR!
kaosdevice (0:48:37 ): You got it MacGruber
Glass Spider (0:48:41 ): They’ve got a car thief, an explosives expert, a tough black girl… where’s their knife-thrower?
Glass Spider (0:49:06 ): More echoing… It’s the sound of my interest, trapped in a well.
kaosdevice (0:49:19 ): There is that echo again, WTH>= movie.
Glass Spider (0:49:34 ): Squish. Drink!
kaosdevice (0:50:59 ): Ye gods this is awful
Glass Spider (0:51:04 ): Man, I’m so bored.
kaosdevice (0:51:36 ): This movie can’t make me care enough about it to hate it.
Glass Spider (0:51:43 ): The highway in the background made me think there’s a more interesting movie going on back there…
kaosdevice (0:52:09 ): Did he just say ‘keep that manatee’?
Glass Spider (0:52:22 ): Somebody off the crybaby dude.
Glass Spider (0:52:42 ): Send him out to be shaminated! Splashy-style!
kaosdevice (0:52:52 ): This is touching, in a bad uncle kinda way.
Glass Spider (0:53:37 ): They didn’t waste any dollars on sets. How frugal of them.
kaosdevice (0:54:09 ): Well they to save the money for actors of this caliber.
Glass Spider (0:54:17 ): And if this is supposed to be in the PacNW, why does everything look like SoCal?
Glass Spider (0:55:03 ): ssnnnoooooorre…
Glass Spider (0:55:36 ): The tension in this scene is as thick as skim milk.
Glass Spider (0:56:37 ): Somebody slap her. You’re supposed to slap the hysterical ones, right?
Glass Spider (0:57:26 ): This movie stole my stereo and sold it for drugs!
kaosdevice (0:57:27 ): I wasn’t snoring, really
kaosdevice (0:57:39 ): I was resting my eyes.
Glass Spider (0:57:43 ): Dude, thought you left me out here alone.
Glass Spider (0:57:50 ): Not cool.
Glass Spider (0:57:58 ): DRINK!!!
kaosdevice (0:58:19 ): I can’t believe how dull this is.
Glass Spider (0:58:26 ): Ahhh, the old fist through the skull bit. Love that one.
Glass Spider (0:59:19 ): It’s making me angry. I shouldn’t watch something this boring.
Glass Spider (0:59:43 ): OMFG, we’re only an hour into this shit-mess!
Glass Spider (1:01:06 ): Dime-store Natalie Portman is right! We *ARE* gonna make it!
Glass Spider (1:02:22 ): Every single gun only makes one sound. Is this right?
kaosdevice (1:02:22 ): That was to gun battles what nerf is to bullets.
kaosdevice (1:02:56 ): Wow, what a craaaaazy reveal. Whippity ding dong.
Glass Spider (1:03:06 ): Oh, what an earth-shattering shock. He’s a Shaminator.
kaosdevice (1:03:43 ): I need something to smack myself with to keep awake ‘case this movie sure ain’t doing it.
Glass Spider (1:03:55 ): A Martinez’s endoskeleton is made of Reynolds Wrap.
kaosdevice (1:04:15 ): It is made of dulltanium.
Glass Spider (1:04:20 ): That’s why the aliens’ code breakers can’t hack into his motherboard.
kaosdevice (1:04:38 ): they are flying space Winnebago’s.
Glass Spider (1:04:40 ): I don’t even know what that means.
Glass Spider (1:05:06 ): I’m just trying to make up something more interesting than this movie.
kaosdevice (1:05:17 ): this has to be a scifi errrr…syfy channel piece of rubbish.
kaosdevice (1:06:42 ): Hey he’s an Obama supporter!
Glass Spider (1:06:45 ): I just don’t understand how he can be metal underneath when he’s so obviously wooden on top…
Glass Spider (1:07:03 ): Back to the echoing.
kaosdevice (1:07:23 ): hang on to something, accelerating to Stupid Factor 5!
Glass Spider (1:07:39 ): Maybe A Martinez is a steam-punk terminator.
kaosdevice (1:08:06 ): He is an old eunuch er unit.
Glass Spider (1:08:38 ): We should have picked something else to drink on. This is too painful to be this sober.
kaosdevice (1:08:57 ): It is Bad Runner meets the Boreinator
Glass Spider (1:09:28 ): How long do we have to play this out? We get it, he has your memories, they all do.
kaosdevice (1:09:42 ): Oh for the love of sweetweasles.
Glass Spider (1:11:02 ): Yay, an army of Shaminators! We may get to drink lots on this part…
kaosdevice (1:11:29 ): We feel pain, that’s for sure and anger.
kaosdevice (1:12:10 ): Back to the space hubcap!
kaosdevice (1:12:27 ): From this movie
Glass Spider (1:12:34 ): Lawdy, I don’t have words for how lame this is.
kaosdevice (1:13:05 ): I’m glad I don’t have a razor laying around because I don’t have anything covering my jugular.
Glass Spider (1:13:18 ): This makes Jason X look like Citizen Kane.
Glass Spider (1:13:42 ): DRRIIIIINNK!
Glass Spider (1:14:07 ): Hey, that looks like *your* computer room!
Glass Spider (1:15:23 ): They couldn’t even afford a score for this rocket ship to the end of my patience. It’s quiet, dull, and stupid.
kaosdevice (1:15:51 ): glug
kaosdevice (1:16:09 ): Yaaaaaaahhhhh!
kaosdevice (1:16:14 ): Who says that?
Glass Spider (1:16:25 ): How come he’s wearing a Mardi Gras mask?
kaosdevice (1:16:44 ): Hey they found a pause button. What is with that goofy noise in the background?
Glass Spider (1:17:38 ): Where the hell did this petulant lady come from?
Glass Spider (1:18:25 ): The Foley guy recorded a bog fulla horny frogs for this soundtrack.
kaosdevice (1:18:58 ): This new computer is fighting against this stupid plot, I don’t know how to fight back!
Glass Spider (1:19:09 ): He should have recorded video as well; it’d be more interesting…
Glass Spider (1:19:45 ): And draining my will to live.
kaosdevice (1:20:26 ): Are those like the sounds of electronic chickens I am hearing?
Glass Spider (1:20:44 ): I wonder if the beefcake Shaminator got scale for each kill-bot he played…
kaosdevice (1:21:05 ): Hicks? Really?
Glass Spider (1:21:12 ): Mmmmm, thank you for food.
Glass Spider (1:21:45 ): Except now, I have the strength to see how much I want to destroy this crapfest of a movie.
Glass Spider (1:22:07 ): Drink.
kaosdevice (1:22:21 ): Let me check the obvious meter. Not\….././Utterly. Yup there’s your ending right there.
kaosdevice (1:22:58 ): I got blood in my stool! You hear me! What the hell was that guy yelling?
Glass Spider (1:23:39 ): Yes, stagger backwards and whimper ineffectually — that way the mummy-walking endoskeleton can catch you more easily.
kaosdevice (1:24:02 ): eeeeeellllectronic chickens! That’s my new band name.
kaosdevice (1:24:47 ): What is with the fricking back and forth echo? It is like driving through the bland canyon.
Glass Spider (1:24:58 ): A 20 hour Myst-playing marathon is more action-packed than this.
kaosdevice (1:25:20 ): Aw mutual panting, feel like I am watching some sweet, sweet porn.
Glass Spider (1:25:50 ): Aw, in space no one can hear you be gob smacked.
kaosdevice (1:25:53 ): Whew, at least the movie was kind in the fact that it is finally over.
kaosdevice (1:26:56 ): What a pathetic piece of crap topped with a thumping techno beat for the credits, which oddly, was better than the film itself.