[  Mood: Sick ]
Seed @ Amazon

Pain incarnate.

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kaosdevice (9:59:57 PM): We are going to be traumatized tonight by Uwe Boll’s ‘Seed’ (2007). Save the snickering. And it starts…NOW!
Glass Spider (00:00:00 PM): From Dictionary.com: boll -noun Botany. a rounded seed vessel or pod of a plant, as of flax or cotton. So, is this going to be autobiographical, or what…?
Glass Spider returned at 10:00:00 PM.
kaosdevice (00:00:29 PM): pigs, again with the pigs?
Glass Spider (00:00:44 PM): That quote would suggest to me that the answer is yes.
Glass Spider (00:01:01 PM): Is that Spider-Goat?
kaosdevice (00:01:04 PM): oh weird mutant dogs, my bad.
Glass Spider (00:01:32 PM): I think he’s whacking off to this puppy snuff-film…
Glass Spider (00:01:43 PM): *snuff
Glass Spider (00:02:06 PM): What were those? Foxes? Badgers?
Glass Spider (00:02:17 PM): Uh-oh — more reading…
kaosdevice (00:03:01 PM): reading in a Boll film is like dancing in a morgue
kaosdevice (00:03:23 PM): that is shocking, shocking!
Glass Spider (00:03:23 PM): I looooove it when exposition is covered in printed scroll — what’re you, George Lucas?
Glass Spider (00:04:31 PM): Boll’s movies are so bad; Jeffery Combs won’t even appear in them.
kaosdevice (00:04:42 PM): Ralph Muller! Big, menacing and German for extra value
Glass Spider (00:05:05 PM): Jawol!
Glass Spider (00:05:47 PM): I hope this is a flashback, otherwise that guy is dressed way too hip for this flick.
kaosdevice (00:06:08 PM): This film went Boll craptastic super quick.
Glass Spider (00:06:30 PM): Is that a seriously aged Michael Pare?
kaosdevice (00:06:37 PM): yup
Glass Spider (00:06:48 PM): Man.
kaosdevice (00:07:14 PM): nothing says quality film like the combination of Boll and Michael Pare.
Glass Spider (00:07:15 PM): So, did Pleatherface eat the baby, or what?
kaosdevice (00:07:42 PM): Rolph!
Glass Spider (00:07:47 PM): Yayyyy.
Glass Spider (00:07:58 PM): We’ve got mail! Yayyyy!
kaosdevice (00:08:28 PM): Drink every time Rolph is barely intelligible.
kaosdevice (00:08:38 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:08:39 PM): You can’t smoke in a cop shop anymore. What frapping year is this?
Glass Spider (00:09:12 PM): Be menacing, and smoke more. Goooood.
kaosdevice (00:09:14 PM): this scene bugs me.
Glass Spider (00:09:43 PM): 9 minutes in and we have bug-humping. Sweet.
kaosdevice (00:10:09 PM): I’ve seen more interesting golf tournaments then this so far.
kaosdevice (00:10:36 PM): it’s trying to tell you are in a horrible movie.
Glass Spider (00:10:37 PM): Putrefaction-porn!
Glass Spider (00:10:54 PM): "What’s he trying to tell us?" What is he, Lassie?
kaosdevice (00:10:59 PM): this movie really hates dogs.
Glass Spider (00:11:33 PM): This killer’s got oodles of super-8 film and free time.
kaosdevice (00:11:35 PM): you can tell they are police by the mustaches.
Glass Spider (00:12:57 PM): CSI: 1980. Now with even wider collars.
kaosdevice (00:13:00 PM): what the hell year is this? 1981 or 2009. Lot of confused movies time wise for us lately.
Glass Spider (00:13:59 PM): He’s drinking — think he knows something we don’t?
kaosdevice (00:14:08 PM): this means you are in a suck movie that conflates shocking or gross with scary.
Glass Spider (00:14:19 PM): These guys go through a lot of highball glasses.
kaosdevice (00:14:47 PM): 80’s cop cars? wha?
kaosdevice (00:15:13 PM): not on the map, sorta like this plot.
Glass Spider (00:15:14 PM): Rabbit is good, Rabbit ids wiiiiise.
kaosdevice (00:15:30 PM): fantastic facial hair.
Glass Spider (00:15:42 PM): A lot of spirit gum died so we could hate this movie.
Glass Spider (00:16:17 PM): Suddenly I’m missing the pigs.
Glass Spider (00:16:31 PM): The porcine ones, that wasn’t a cop joke.
kaosdevice (00:16:45 PM): pigs, cats and dogs…weird theme we are starting to get here.
kaosdevice (00:17:18 PM): this movie owes me ten bucks just for the first 16 minutes.
Glass Spider (00:17:36 PM): Reveal!: police are scared of the country!.
kaosdevice (00:18:07 PM): you can tell something ominous is going on by the lame music.
Glass Spider (00:18:10 PM): More expo in print. Cheap.
Glass Spider (00:18:37 PM): Is she the baby? Do I really care?
kaosdevice (00:18:43 PM): I know EXACTLY how she feels dying in that cell, I just happen to also have a keyboard.
kaosdevice (00:19:13 PM): pretty intense, unlike this scene.
Glass Spider (00:19:20 PM): Those are some spiffy classic cars, though.
kaosdevice (00:19:44 PM): They are tellin’ all ya all it is sabotage!
Glass Spider (00:20:08 PM): Is six years long enough to do that to a corpse? No, really, I wanna know.
Glass Spider (00:20:47 PM): ‘Cause the tapes seem to show an awful lotta skeletonized bodies.
kaosdevice (00:21:00 PM): Uwe wouldn’t know how to frame a scene if someone gave him a level and a t square.
Glass Spider (00:21:11 PM): It’s the house from "Home."
Glass Spider (00:21:29 PM): Got Mama on the crawly-gator under the bed.
kaosdevice (00:22:15 PM): house seems to be light-switch free it seems. But full of great video feeds. Aw rats!
Glass Spider (00:22:21 PM): Call Andy Taylor. Or Barney Freakin’ Fife. This movie just broke several torture laws.
kaosdevice (00:22:45 PM): wow, scary if you could have seen what the hell happened.
Glass Spider (00:23:07 PM): What, screeching rodents aren’t scary enough for you?
kaosdevice (00:23:33 PM): the blair dork project
Glass Spider (00:23:58 PM): He’s the Mad Dentist!
Glass Spider (00:24:06 PM): "Is it safe?"
kaosdevice (00:24:40 PM): wth? This movie wants us to just assume scary things are going on. ‘Listen, isn’t that terrifying!’
Glass Spider (00:24:50 PM): I guess 1980 cop cars didn’t come equipped with flood lights, either.
Glass Spider (00:25:12 PM): It’s just not takin’ me there.
Glass Spider (00:25:31 PM): "Random Last Name!"
Glass Spider (00:25:43 PM): "Red Shirt!"
Glass Spider (00:25:55 PM): "Peepants!"
kaosdevice (00:26:13 PM): This has the suspense value of a really bad harlequin romance novel.
Glass Spider (00:26:28 PM): The paperboy in Better Off Dead was scarier than this.
kaosdevice (00:27:05 PM): I’m going to take a pee tell me if I miss anything, oh wait, I won’t.
Glass Spider (00:27:08 PM): And, the calls were coming from inside the house!
Glass Spider (00:28:03 PM): Way to split up in the dark. Did you learn nothing from Scooby-Doo?
kaosdevice (00:28:37 PM): Is anything going to happen here that we actually get to see?
Glass Spider (00:28:47 PM): Boll saved a mint on set design and electricity.
kaosdevice (00:28:56 PM): This is the horror film version of a book on tape.
kaosdevice (00:29:34 PM): send more cops….
Glass Spider (00:29:41 PM): "Porn-stache! Forehead! Where are you guys?"
kaosdevice (00:30:05 PM): Sanchez! Get on point! Bewildered, where are you!
Glass Spider (00:30:17 PM): Guess the uni’s are the equivalent of redshirts in this movie.
Glass Spider (00:30:41 PM): Dude, it’s one of his own men.
Glass Spider (00:30:45 PM): Betcha.
kaosdevice (00:30:47 PM): I think he wants him to pick it up so he could kill him right now.
kaosdevice (00:31:30 PM): Ok, revision, drink when something is going on that you can’t really see.
Glass Spider (00:31:40 PM): I think Boll spent the money he saved on waterproof cameras.
kaosdevice (00:32:18 PM): is he making sweet love to that serial killer, because it sounded pretty porno.
Glass Spider (00:32:29 PM): Gosh, that was amazingly annoying.
Glass Spider (00:33:07 PM): Why does death-row serial-killer get to keep his mask on?
Glass Spider (00:33:47 PM): Pleatherface is terrifying. To cops, anyway.
kaosdevice (00:33:48 PM): why doesn’t he have a round in his skull about now?
kaosdevice (00:34:18 PM): I think the seed in this movie is for the tree of apathy.
Glass Spider (00:34:39 PM): "Signed, Grindol Calderon." Cripes, that guy writes like a doctor.
kaosdevice (00:35:17 PM): annnnd the electric chair they made sure to mention at the beginning.
Glass Spider (00:35:35 PM): The room fulla suits and freshly-peed floor are kinda scary.
Glass Spider (00:36:11 PM): Booooooooooored.
kaosdevice (00:36:19 PM): this movie left sense at the altar and ran off into the night.
Glass Spider (00:36:38 PM): It’s the Julia Roberts of horror movies.
Glass Spider (00:36:46 PM): More reason to hate it.
kaosdevice (00:37:05 PM): oh, it had my hate at hello.
Glass Spider (00:37:27 PM): Maybe Richard Gere will save us.
kaosdevice (00:37:48 PM): this movie would actually be IMPROVED by pigs.
Glass Spider (00:38:36 PM): 10 minutes of noisy fumbling in the rainy dark, and *this* is what they choose to show us in full light?
Glass Spider (00:39:06 PM): It’s worse those 15 minutes after last call!
kaosdevice (00:39:11 PM): A movie that was actually better for not being able to see what was going on.
kaosdevice (00:39:29 PM): that is what my brain feels like.
Glass Spider (00:39:50 PM): Maybe past-Michael Pare will come from The Philadelphia Experiment and save us.
kaosdevice (00:40:12 PM): that is just shocking
Glass Spider (00:40:12 PM): In the battleship, even.
Glass Spider (00:40:44 PM): Is this really just an argument against capital punishment?
kaosdevice (00:41:01 PM): an argument against good cinema perhaps.
Glass Spider (00:41:09 PM): Because this movie should get a lethal injection.
Glass Spider (00:41:27 PM): It’s killing my will to live. In cold blood.
Glass Spider (00:41:59 PM): Oooooo, he said the effword!
kaosdevice (00:42:28 PM): I just….ok…I need to gather myself and recoup from this barrage of stupid.
Glass Spider (00:42:42 PM): Hey! A date!
Glass Spider (00:43:11 PM): I guess reading can pay off.
kaosdevice (00:43:25 PM): Reading is fundamental
Glass Spider (00:43:34 PM): For kids!
Glass Spider (00:43:42 PM): Like Knife-wrench!
kaosdevice (00:44:15 PM): if only that could put the movie in that same box to be buried. I’d feel a lot better about the world.
Glass Spider (00:44:33 PM): I’m not sure nails would hold it in.
kaosdevice (00:44:38 PM): drink
kaosdevice (00:45:30 PM): gosh, I couldn’t POSSIBLY guess what is coming up next!
Glass Spider (00:45:33 PM): Give that cop a whiskey!
kaosdevice (00:45:40 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:46:03 PM): Hear ’em trying for the Cape Fear music? It’s kinda cute, in a way.
Glass Spider (00:46:44 PM): This movie better get some Klieg-spots, or I’m gonna get shitfaced.
kaosdevice (00:46:46 PM): to give credit where credit is due, Uwe does know how to make a truly horrible movie. That is a gift.
Glass Spider (00:47:05 PM): He’s the Ed Wood of our time.
Glass Spider (00:47:16 PM): Minus the fuzzy sweaters.
kaosdevice (00:47:30 PM): Ed Wood is like Orson Welles compared to Uwe.
Glass Spider (00:48:08 PM): "We’ll print no schlock before we’re paid."
Glass Spider (00:48:17 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:48:18 PM): fishsticks!
kaosdevice (00:48:22 PM): crap
Glass Spider (00:48:49 PM): The dirt was pooping caskets.
Glass Spider (00:49:25 PM): Hey, look; it’s Lana Lang’s child-doppelganger.
kaosdevice (00:49:27 PM): This movie erupted from that same earth. The soil itself rejected it.
Glass Spider (00:49:50 PM): The soil… soiled itself?
kaosdevice (00:50:01 PM): you think something bad is going to happen here? nahhhhhh.
kaosdevice (00:50:10 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:50:18 PM): Damn.
Glass Spider (00:50:54 PM): Bet Ol’ Sparky kills the executioner just fine.
kaosdevice (00:51:08 PM): big German dude and a cigar? Ahnold? Nope just Rolph.
Glass Spider (00:51:14 PM): Have more Scotch, that always helps.
kaosdevice (00:51:26 PM): Get to de choppah!
Glass Spider (00:51:33 PM): Drink.
kaosdevice (00:52:03 PM): Are you not entertained!
Glass Spider (00:52:09 PM): NO!
kaosdevice (00:52:15 PM): me neither.
Glass Spider (00:52:39 PM): This flick’s going to be a sixer, for sure.
kaosdevice (00:52:49 PM): This movie feels like putting your head through dry wall, repeatedly.
Glass Spider (00:53:02 PM): Dronk!
Glass Spider (00:53:16 PM): Nice uprobe shot.
Glass Spider (00:53:51 PM): DRINK!
kaosdevice (00:53:51 PM): Thank god we didn’t get a naked Rolph Muller
Glass Spider (00:54:03 PM): Sooooo daaaark.
kaosdevice (00:54:38 PM): This film is going to give me alcohol poisoning.
Glass Spider (00:54:54 PM): Classic tongue-bite. But they’re never that crunchy. I mean c’mon.
Glass Spider (00:55:09 PM): Good thing it’s only beer.
Glass Spider (00:55:28 PM): Beer. That’s a funny word.
kaosdevice (00:55:29 PM): Was that supposed to be frightening? Because, well, you saw.
Glass Spider (00:55:33 PM): Beeeeeerrr.
kaosdevice (00:55:57 PM): Rooooooolph!
kaosdevice (00:56:11 PM): Hit it until it works!
Glass Spider (00:56:17 PM): Best thing about this mobie: lamps. Great fapping lamps.
Glass Spider (00:56:50 PM): At least Pleatherface is wasting no time killing off the conspirators.
kaosdevice (00:57:06 PM): What the hell is this guy supposed to be? Plus what in the world does any of this have to do with seed?
Glass Spider (00:57:22 PM): Um, Seed was his name.
Glass Spider (00:57:29 PM): Or his press-handle.
kaosdevice (00:57:32 PM): His last name?
Glass Spider (00:57:43 PM): Or who even cares any more…
Glass Spider (00:58:09 PM): That little girl has been the same age for 5 years.
kaosdevice (00:58:32 PM): Wait let me check the stupid meter. \…………/./ Almost maxed out.
Glass Spider (00:59:19 PM): She should be in a remake of Poltergeist. Oooo, too soon?
kaosdevice (00:59:31 PM): She sees stupid movies.
Glass Spider (00:59:45 PM): No, we do. For the greater good.
kaosdevice (00:59:52 PM): They are everywhere they just don’t realize it.
Glass Spider (01h:00:09 PM): I know Uwe doesn’t.
Glass Spider (01h:00:33 PM): Psuedo Cape Fear score again, wow.
Glass Spider (01h:00:57 PM): I wish Rober DeNiro would murder this movie.
kaosdevice (01h:01:37 PM): You makin’ me watch you movie? You makin’ me watch? *click* Gun out
Glass Spider (01h:01:46 PM): Nice. Bury the evidence.
kaosdevice (01h:02:08 PM): I’m thinking he was burying the script.
kaosdevice (01h:02:16 PM): or maybe Uwe
Glass Spider (01h:02:23 PM): It would be an empty coffin.
Glass Spider (01h:02:44 PM): Hey it’s that guy!
kaosdevice (01h:02:50 PM): They opened the Stargate!
kaosdevice (01h: 03:28 PM): I remember singing ‘My Five Cops’ as a child.
Glass Spider (01h: 03:31 PM): You’re questioning me and my majestic hair?
Glass Spider (01h: 04:06 PM): OMG, the name of the town — didja catch it?
Glass Spider (01h: 04:15 PM): "Sufferton."
kaosdevice (01h: 04:26 PM): just like us with this movie.
Glass Spider (01h: 04:29 PM): Says it all.
Glass Spider (01h: 04:40 PM): He’s tenderizing her skull.
kaosdevice (01h: 04:50 PM): he’s tenderizing her, for flavor!
Glass Spider (01h: 04:52 PM): And so am I. Beer me!
kaosdevice (01h: 06:03 PM): I know this is supposed to be horrific but it is really kind of dull.
Glass Spider (01h: 06:06 PM): I’m shocked this isn’t happening in a windowless basement like everything else in this movie.
Glass Spider (01h: 06:32 PM): Slow torture. Remind you of anything?
kaosdevice (01h: 07:07 PM): this makes me feel like what this film is doing to me.
Glass Spider (01h: 07:11 PM): That was sincerely gross. But it sounds like crunching on celery stalks.
Glass Spider (01h: 07:26 PM): Cue Cape Fear.
Glass Spider (01h: 08:34 PM): Were going on 5 minutes of beating her head with a kitchen mallet.
kaosdevice (01h:08:41 PM): yeah, we get it you are smashing her head in, Let’s drag this on as long as possible to make it whatever the hell it is supposed to be. The big penultimate scary scene. YAWN.
Glass Spider (01h:08:51 PM): 5… minutes. Imagine it.
kaosdevice (01h:09:42 PM): I’ve had bloody noses that were more disturbing to me.
kaosdevice (01h:10:19 PM): Uwe just.does.not.get.it.
Glass Spider (01h:11:09 PM): Okay, I get it. Pleatherface does his mojo in daylight, and the cops do all their deeds in the dead of night. Are we making some artsy statement here?
kaosdevice (01h:12:25 PM): Starsky and boredom on the case!
Glass Spider (01h:12:28 PM): Are we feeling kind of sorry for poor Uwe?
Glass Spider (01h:12:40 PM): He tries. he tries so hard.
Glass Spider (01h:12:59 PM): Wow, mang — dig that shag rug!
kaosdevice (01h:13:19 PM): Wow they had Ikea back in the 80’s?
Glass Spider (01h:13:21 PM): It was fanTAStic!
kaosdevice (01h:13:49 PM): He needs a Shamwow for that bathroom
Glass Spider (01h:14:25 PM): Not true to 1980; that gore-soaked bathroom would have been done in harvest gold, with way more mirrors.
Glass Spider (01h:14:39 PM): More faux-Fear.
kaosdevice (01h:14:39 PM): Is this movie ever going to end?
Glass Spider (01h:14:54 PM): Some day it will, Timmy. Some day.
kaosdevice (01h:15:00 PM): It started in the late Paleolithic.
Glass Spider (01h:15:31 PM): That’s fair, ’cause you’d need carbon-dating for Pare’s suit.
kaosdevice (01h:16:43 PM): This movie feels like someone constantly poking you in the back of the head on a long road trip.
Glass Spider (01h:16:54 PM): Gee, Paw, will Detective Drinky ever get his man?
Glass Spider (01h:17:42 PM): This movie kicked the back of my seat all the across the International Dateline.
kaosdevice (01h:18:31 PM): Or the viewers of this movie.
Glass Spider (01h:18:34 PM): Pleatherface just wants a real mask. Like Cronenberg in Nightbreed had.
kaosdevice (01h:19:06 PM): could this music be more strident? Is this the Lifetime channel?
Glass Spider (01h:19:12 PM): Pneumatic tools, now?
Glass Spider (01h:19:31 PM): That’s another funny word. Pneuuuumatic.
Glass Spider (01h:19:54 PM): Everybody dies! Yes!
kaosdevice (01h:20:05 PM): Oh for the love of lard.
Glass Spider (01h:20:19 PM): Now Boll should break the third wall and do himself in front of the camera!
kaosdevice (01h:20:45 PM): This is the absolutely most horrible movie ending I have ever seen.
Glass Spider (01h:21:05 PM): You guys reaaaaally shoulda got him that Red Ryder bee bee gun. That’s all I have to say.