[  Mood: Fed Up WIth Life ]
The Uninvited@Amazon

83 minutes that felt like 4 hours.

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kaosdevice (00:00:23 PM): Tonight’s atrocity exhibition is 2009’s ‘The Uninvited’ and it staaaarts, now.
kaosdevice (00:01:22 PM): That is our hopes and dreams burning away
Glass Spider (00:01:29 PM): Beware of friendly fire…
kaosdevice (00:02:03 PM): she’s got the Innsmouth look and he has a condom. Match made in heaven
Glass Spider (00:02:25 PM): Another voiceover flick?
kaosdevice (00:02:40 PM): Because voiceovers NEVER get annoying.
kaosdevice (00:03:05 PM): She’s in the filthy forest near the grove of trash bags.
Glass Spider (00:03:15 PM): First-person narration is not a viable substitute for writing. "and here’s where I lost my virginity…"
Glass Spider (00:03:52 PM): *Snooooore*
kaosdevice (00:04:04 PM): ok, it’s a drink every time something that is supposed to be scary is lame.
Glass Spider (00:04:19 PM): Because no one wants to look at a sick person all the time.
kaosdevice (00:04:30 PM): with an irritating bell.
Glass Spider (00:04:39 PM): Okay, it’s a dream, we get it.
kaosdevice (00:04:53 PM): like this movie
Glass Spider (00:05:13 PM): Insurance dividends for everyone!
Glass Spider (00:05:28 PM): Thanks, Dr. Obvious!
kaosdevice (00:05:38 PM): The deep ones are strong in this girl.
Glass Spider (00:05:57 PM): "Little red-headed girl"? Is this a Peanuts story?
kaosdevice (00:06:25 PM): Because you actually aren’t smart I’m just being polite.
Glass Spider (00:06:36 PM): Gosh, he doesn’t scream Dr. Bad-Touch at all.
kaosdevice (00:07:09 PM): The only way this dialogue could be more boring is if it was quoting me tax codes.
Glass Spider (00:07:36 PM): It’s a process. You have to forgive yourself. Feel your feelings. And 20 other clichéd analyst phrases!
kaosdevice (00:07:41 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:08:16 PM): Because you’re ugly, not cute like our fish-faced heroine.
kaosdevice (00:08:32 PM): this film likes its’ overhead cam shots.
kaosdevice (00:09:03 PM): nah, its’ a handgun!
Glass Spider (00:09:04 PM): Awwww, David Strathairn needed a payday.
Glass Spider (00:09:28 PM): Creeeee-py.
kaosdevice (00:09:40 PM): He does the pervy dad thing well.
Glass Spider (00:10:17 PM): I don’t want him to say "I wanted you all to myself," to his daughter. Not after Dolores Claiborne.
kaosdevice (00:10:46 PM): Could the music in this be more strident and obnoxious?
Glass Spider (00:10:48 PM): Yipe. Teen panties.
kaosdevice (00:11:08 PM): Mmmmmm sweaty Elizibeth Banks.
Glass Spider (00:11:18 PM): Yesssss, Precioussss.
Glass Spider (00:11:34 PM): Okay, go for stroganoff jokes!
kaosdevice (00:11:45 PM): just can’t go there too easy
Glass Spider (00:11:52 PM): Daddy likes ’em young.
kaosdevice (00:12:47 PM): Wow, that must have been house explosion lite(tm) for when you only want the appearance of a blown up building without the actual damage.
Glass Spider (00:12:59 PM): Chili-dog break! Cover me, I’m goin’ in!
kaosdevice (00:13:06 PM): go for it!
kaosdevice (00:14:37 PM): Ah the overblown drama, and could it be, some sort of plot? And now the Lifetime family drama portion of the movie.
kaosdevice (00:16:04 PM): Where we wrote down what the hell was going on in this movie.
kaosdevice (00:16:28 PM): Nice Texas Chainsaw Massacre attic.
Glass Spider (00:16:32 PM): Spooky. Dronk!
kaosdevice (00:17:22 PM): Hey it is Mama’s sick bell! What a keepsake, do they have some plague blankets and some rats with bubonic fleas as well?
Glass Spider (00:17:29 PM): We now return to the Special Presentation of "The Haunted Bell."
Glass Spider (00:17:50 PM): Not a Kodak moment.
kaosdevice (00:17:58 PM): The hand that bores the cradle.
Glass Spider (00:18:06 PM): Groooooossssss. Parental sex-noise.
kaosdevice (00:18:13 PM): Annnnd sex sounds, always a quality move.
Glass Spider (00:18:21 PM): Why man invented headphones.
Glass Spider (00:19:01 PM): I heard a bell. Did they get a cat?
Glass Spider (00:19:04 PM): Or a pig?
Glass Spider (00:19:13 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:19:21 PM): drink
kaosdevice (00:20:17 PM): scene you are being mean to our livers
Glass Spider (00:20:52 PM): She had therapy for her nightmares… How are we supposed to take any of this seriously?
Glass Spider (00:22:00 PM): Groooosssssss! More parental sex references.
Glass Spider (00:22:08 PM): And barfing.
kaosdevice (00:23:07 PM): she sucks at being creepy.
Glass Spider (00:23:15 PM): Is this Ethan Frome? Are they tricking me?
Glass Spider (00:23:30 PM): Ommmmm, she said the effword!
kaosdevice (00:23:30 PM): and she learned to carry on, hey! hey!
Glass Spider (00:24:14 PM): Clunkier foreshadowing than a porn-movie makeup artist.
kaosdevice (00:24:17 PM): ah bonding, this makes me feel warm and nauseous.
Glass Spider (00:24:58 PM): Little sis wears the demure one-piece, big sis, the slutty-kini!
kaosdevice (00:25:21 PM): there’s a reason nobody ever accused you of being smart son.
Glass Spider (00:25:31 PM): Reunited with the teen mauler.
Glass Spider (00:25:51 PM): Yep, Banks comes off more frigid and bitchy than scary.
kaosdevice (00:26:18 PM): lake delivery service, I’ll have a can of something interesting going on with a side of actual scary?
Glass Spider (00:26:48 PM): Burning chili-dog, with my burning desire for a coherent storyline.
kaosdevice (00:27:51 PM): I’m so bored my autonomic functions are falling asleep.
Glass Spider (00:28:11 PM): So the new step-mom’s a posessive wench, and dad’s a spineless go-bag. Anything helpful in that?
kaosdevice (00:28:15 PM): you may have to call the morgue Spidey.
Glass Spider (00:28:31 PM): Having trouble swallowing?
Glass Spider (00:28:37 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:28:45 PM): argh!
kaosdevice (00:29:41 PM): another deadly scene
Glass Spider (00:30:04 PM): Zombie mom. So? I grew up with my own terrors — ever heard of polyester bellbottoms?
kaosdevice (00:30:21 PM): Mr. Microphone?
Glass Spider (00:30:45 PM): Diet Rite?
kaosdevice (00:31:01 PM): I’ve seen games of Candyland that have had more complicated set ups then this ‘mystery’.
Glass Spider (00:31:17 PM): Chutes and Ladders!
Glass Spider (00:31:38 PM): Sisters in the bathtub — ain’t it cute.
kaosdevice (00:31:51 PM): Just a couple of sisters in their sexy under things hanging out in a tub. Completely normal.
Glass Spider (00:32:26 PM): These girls look about as Asian as white girls can look. Even their casting was rote.
Glass Spider (00:33:13 PM): Yay! Beamer! Car of choice for all gold-digging second wives!
kaosdevice (00:33:44 PM): The movie is giving me the dialogue equivalent of a wet willy right now.
Glass Spider (00:33:45 PM): Ooooo, sneaky, step-mom.
Glass Spider (00:33:55 PM): Not in the ears!
Glass Spider (00:34:22 PM): She does do Zero-Sum eyes pretty well.
Glass Spider (00:34:55 PM): Garbage-bag girl makes an appearance.
kaosdevice (00:34:58 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:35:55 PM): I’d probably have this movie figured out already if I cared enough to pay attention.
kaosdevice (00:36:05 PM): and everyone loves freshberries!
Glass Spider (00:36:52 PM): New mom cuts off all outside contact. Creepy, but for the wrong reasons.
kaosdevice (00:37:06 PM): I’ve seen circus clown acts that were more subtle
Glass Spider (00:37:47 PM): This girl dresses like Dora the Explorer. And not in a cute way.
Glass Spider (00:37:53 PM): One funny line.
kaosdevice (00:38:14 PM): This movie seems to be mostly about lingerie and bathing suits, oh and ennui.
Glass Spider (00:38:19 PM): "She’s like a crack whore, without the dignity."
kaosdevice (00:39:02 PM): Because nothing says payback like stealing vibrator batteries.
Glass Spider (00:39:15 PM): Wow, that’s some teenage rebellion — swiped the batteries out of mom’s B.O.B.
Glass Spider (00:39:41 PM): *Battery operated boyfriend.
Glass Spider (00:40:03 PM): Snooooorrrre.
kaosdevice (00:40:09 PM): Is this a movie about sisters or a Vivid Video production?
Glass Spider (00:40:24 PM): Maybe she’ll stay with me till I fall asleep.
kaosdevice (00:40:27 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:40:32 PM): Shouldn’t be long now.
kaosdevice (00:41:05 PM): Well it would be a yin/yang, that other film took me out for a bit.
Glass Spider (00:41:39 PM): He’s finally learned how to play a girl — act scared and needy.
kaosdevice (00:42:15 PM): that’s some wicked scoliosis
kaosdevice (00:42:21 PM): drink btw
Glass Spider (00:42:24 PM): Didn’t we already see all of this in Pet Sematary?
Glass Spider (00:43:27 PM): Bluuuuuue booyyyyyfriend….
kaosdevice (00:43:34 PM): They’ve called in the Coast Guard to save us from this movie! Oh, never mind we couldn’t be so lucky.
Glass Spider (00:43:53 PM): It’d have to be Navy Seals, at this point.
kaosdevice (00:44:07 PM): Because these are timber infested waters.
kaosdevice (00:44:44 PM): like this movie
Glass Spider (00:45:13 PM): Nothing’s ever her fault — ask her therapist.
Glass Spider (00:45:58 PM): It’s too soon to try and turn Dad against his new humpin’ dolly.
kaosdevice (00:46:00 PM): being in this movie, it has been hard for all of us.
Glass Spider (00:46:57 PM): I’m paranoid and emotional, but not crazy!
kaosdevice (00:47:06 PM): You don’t have to be crazy to be in this film but it helps! Huh huh huh huh!
kaosdevice (00:47:24 PM): I’m afraid for me.
Glass Spider (00:47:45 PM): Dang, big sister has some masculine shoulders.
kaosdevice (00:48:25 PM): She has the sleuthing skills of an Our Gang featurette.
Glass Spider (00:48:30 PM): Ewwww, now that was scary. Nobody should have to see anyone’s driver’s license photo.
Glass Spider (00:49:00 PM): Hey, it’s Dora the Explorer and Carmen San Diego!
Glass Spider (00:49:11 PM): Gross.
kaosdevice (00:49:20 PM): The suspense of this movie is as intense as a beating with a feather duster.
Glass Spider (00:49:32 PM): Yeeeaahhhh, that’s not creepy.
kaosdevice (00:50:00 PM): This one shore has a party mouthy…squeals like a pig for me step-daughter!
Glass Spider (00:50:15 PM): Or like a jig.
kaosdevice (00:50:44 PM): out of this movie
Glass Spider (00:51:01 PM): Mom, the most boring sexy showdown, ever.
kaosdevice (00:51:10 PM): of this movie
Glass Spider (00:51:31 PM): Maybe I could be institutionalized. For my protection.
Glass Spider (00:51:42 PM): From this movie.
Glass Spider (00:52:09 PM): More chili-dog!
kaosdevice (00:52:27 PM): This party is a smoking jacket, a martini and a pipe away from the Playboy club.
kaosdevice (00:54:02 PM): Oh movie, you are just trying your little heart out aren’t you?
kaosdevice (00:54:48 PM): ah more lame foreshadowing.
kaosdevice (00:55:05 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:55:09 PM): I wonder if that was a metaphor for how they came up with their screenplay…
Glass Spider (00:56:30 PM): It was like a set-up for one of those rhetorical moral questions.
Glass Spider (00:57:16 PM): If you had a fancy dinner party and all your guests were there, and none of them saw the main course fall on the floor, would you still watch the rest of this movie?
kaosdevice (00:57:21 PM): All she wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi and he wouldn’t give it too her!
kaosdevice (00:57:50 PM): I am ashamed to be in this film though
Glass Spider (00:58:06 PM): Or to be boning a hot chick 30 years younger than me.
kaosdevice (00:58:29 PM): You know what would be frightening? If something actually happened in this movie.
Glass Spider (00:58:38 PM): Not like that trash you usually wear.
kaosdevice (00:58:55 PM): He is reading from the book of Pointless 4:32
Glass Spider (00:59:01 PM): Oh, the hatred in her hazel eyes…
kaosdevice (00:59:47 PM): I see plot hooks, they are all around but nobody else in the film sees them.
Glass Spider (01:00:14 PM): What the eff is with the little LDS kid all the time? Did she miss her horse-drawn carriage ride home?
kaosdevice (01:00:52 PM): Something just ain’t Wright there.
Glass Spider (01:01:05 PM): Gosh, that would have meant something if I had any idea who the Wrights were.
kaosdevice (01:01:38 PM): Oh, so now it is a ghost thing?
Glass Spider (01:01:53 PM): The Hand that Mocks Credulity.
kaosdevice (01:02:04 PM): So the doctor gave her a pearl necklace. *cough* moving on…
Glass Spider (01:02:56 PM): Maybe the restaraunteur will give her some fresh sausage.
kaosdevice (01:02:59 PM): Keyhole cam!
Glass Spider (01:04:12 PM): Once this food is gone, I’ll have no more reason to be distracted from this film.
Glass Spider (01:04:21 PM): Or reason to live.
kaosdevice (01:04:27 PM): Wow completely didn’t see something bad coming there, oh wait I did. We’ve got the suspense value of a pendulum.
kaosdevice (01:05:01 PM): chick fight!
Glass Spider (01:05:28 PM): This is angry stepdaughter porn.
kaosdevice (01:05:32 PM): I just want to drug and kill you.
Glass Spider (01:06:36 PM): It might have had a chance if it could have decided: Ghost story or psycho-mom story.
Glass Spider (01:07:23 PM): I wish I could put a dresser in front of the door to my psyche.
Glass Spider (01:07:44 PM): I wish I could report this movie to the authorities.
kaosdevice (01:08:18 PM): Mildred? Really?
kaosdevice (01:08:37 PM): Stop hurting me movie.
Glass Spider (01:08:40 PM): Didn’t he ever see Gremlins?
Glass Spider (01:09:12 PM): It’s all fun and games till something rigs your electric stairs.
kaosdevice (01:09:28 PM): Ah the ghost of the protective mom.
Glass Spider (01:09:47 PM): Wow, her credibility just went through the roof.
kaosdevice (01:10:11 PM): This like it was directed by a brain damaged M. Night
Glass Spider (01:11:02 PM): Lemme guess… Step mom’s gonna win, but ghost mom will finish her off just in time to save the girls…
Glass Spider (01:11:51 PM): Gross. Step-nurse is stripping the teen to her underwears.
Glass Spider (01:12:40 PM): I believed Rebecca DeMornay soooooo much better in the role.
Glass Spider (01:14:05 PM): And now I babble crazy things at you to justify my psycho behavior.
kaosdevice (01:14:19 PM): the dumpster of doooooooom
Glass Spider (01:14:34 PM): Trash bags? Again?
Glass Spider (01:15:00 PM): Man, look at the delts on that girl!
kaosdevice (01:15:01 PM): gosh another amazing turnaround that didn’t make much sense.
Glass Spider (01:15:52 PM): It’s like Beautiful Creatures only much less interesting.
kaosdevice (01:16:27 PM): Oh for pete’s sake.
Glass Spider (01:16:52 PM): Couldn’t we just say it was all a bad dream?
Glass Spider (01:17:01 PM): Like this movie?
kaosdevice (01:17:24 PM): I wish. Now we get the big flash back into yaaaaawnsville.
Glass Spider (01:17:45 PM): And the flashback that explains it all… Really, Movie?
kaosdevice (01:18:01 PM): She was the cause of it all along.
kaosdevice (01:19:00 PM): Blah, blah, blah.
Glass Spider (01:19:31 PM): So it was all just a big accident — she was trying to kill her father, not her mother.
Glass Spider (01:20:07 PM): Oooooh, and she killed them all. Of course she did.
kaosdevice (01:20:28 PM): Sheesh, not even a miracle could cure this lameness.
Glass Spider (01:20:30 PM): THE HORROR!
Glass Spider (01:21:53 PM): Hey, maybe she was Mildred Kemp — and she killed those children, too!
kaosdevice (01:21:53 PM): at least we had chili dogs.
kaosdevice (01:22:04 PM): In another life!
Glass Spider (01:22:07 PM): *BUUUUUUURRRP*
kaosdevice (01:22:21 PM): Ooooooh how ominous.
kaosdevice (01:22:53 PM): Let’s give the murderous girl some scissors! What a great idea!
kaosdevice (01:23:24 PM): Lot’s of gals getting pearl necklaces in this movie. *cough* moving on…
Glass Spider (01:23:26 PM): This movie was so bad even the directors fought over who wouldn’t take credit for it.
kaosdevice (01:23:49 PM): Can’t believe I am still awake.