[  Mood: Sick ]
Seed @ Amazon

Pain incarnate.

———————————-

kaosdevice (9:59:57 PM): We are going to be traumatized tonight by Uwe Boll’s ‘Seed’ (2007). Save the snickering. And it starts…NOW!
Glass Spider (00:00:00 PM): From Dictionary.com: boll -noun Botany. a rounded seed vessel or pod of a plant, as of flax or cotton. So, is this going to be autobiographical, or what…?
Glass Spider returned at 10:00:00 PM.
kaosdevice (00:00:29 PM): pigs, again with the pigs?
Glass Spider (00:00:44 PM): That quote would suggest to me that the answer is yes.
Glass Spider (00:01:01 PM): Is that Spider-Goat?
kaosdevice (00:01:04 PM): oh weird mutant dogs, my bad.
Glass Spider (00:01:32 PM): I think he’s whacking off to this puppy snuff-film…
Glass Spider (00:01:43 PM): *snuff
Glass Spider (00:02:06 PM): What were those? Foxes? Badgers?
Glass Spider (00:02:17 PM): Uh-oh — more reading…
kaosdevice (00:03:01 PM): reading in a Boll film is like dancing in a morgue
kaosdevice (00:03:23 PM): that is shocking, shocking!
Glass Spider (00:03:23 PM): I looooove it when exposition is covered in printed scroll — what’re you, George Lucas?
Glass Spider (00:04:31 PM): Boll’s movies are so bad; Jeffery Combs won’t even appear in them.
kaosdevice (00:04:42 PM): Ralph Muller! Big, menacing and German for extra value
Glass Spider (00:05:05 PM): Jawol!
Glass Spider (00:05:47 PM): I hope this is a flashback, otherwise that guy is dressed way too hip for this flick.
kaosdevice (00:06:08 PM): This film went Boll craptastic super quick.
Glass Spider (00:06:30 PM): Is that a seriously aged Michael Pare?
kaosdevice (00:06:37 PM): yup
Glass Spider (00:06:48 PM): Man.
kaosdevice (00:07:14 PM): nothing says quality film like the combination of Boll and Michael Pare.
Glass Spider (00:07:15 PM): So, did Pleatherface eat the baby, or what?
kaosdevice (00:07:42 PM): Rolph!
Glass Spider (00:07:47 PM): Yayyyy.
Glass Spider (00:07:58 PM): We’ve got mail! Yayyyy!
kaosdevice (00:08:28 PM): Drink every time Rolph is barely intelligible.
kaosdevice (00:08:38 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:08:39 PM): You can’t smoke in a cop shop anymore. What frapping year is this?
Glass Spider (00:09:12 PM): Be menacing, and smoke more. Goooood.
kaosdevice (00:09:14 PM): this scene bugs me.
Glass Spider (00:09:43 PM): 9 minutes in and we have bug-humping. Sweet.
kaosdevice (00:10:09 PM): I’ve seen more interesting golf tournaments then this so far.
kaosdevice (00:10:36 PM): it’s trying to tell you are in a horrible movie.
Glass Spider (00:10:37 PM): Putrefaction-porn!
Glass Spider (00:10:54 PM): "What’s he trying to tell us?" What is he, Lassie?
kaosdevice (00:10:59 PM): this movie really hates dogs.
Glass Spider (00:11:33 PM): This killer’s got oodles of super-8 film and free time.
kaosdevice (00:11:35 PM): you can tell they are police by the mustaches.
Glass Spider (00:12:57 PM): CSI: 1980. Now with even wider collars.
kaosdevice (00:13:00 PM): what the hell year is this? 1981 or 2009. Lot of confused movies time wise for us lately.
Glass Spider (00:13:59 PM): He’s drinking — think he knows something we don’t?
kaosdevice (00:14:08 PM): this means you are in a suck movie that conflates shocking or gross with scary.
Glass Spider (00:14:19 PM): These guys go through a lot of highball glasses.
kaosdevice (00:14:47 PM): 80’s cop cars? wha?
kaosdevice (00:15:13 PM): not on the map, sorta like this plot.
Glass Spider (00:15:14 PM): Rabbit is good, Rabbit ids wiiiiise.
kaosdevice (00:15:30 PM): fantastic facial hair.
Glass Spider (00:15:42 PM): A lot of spirit gum died so we could hate this movie.
Glass Spider (00:16:17 PM): Suddenly I’m missing the pigs.
Glass Spider (00:16:31 PM): The porcine ones, that wasn’t a cop joke.
kaosdevice (00:16:45 PM): pigs, cats and dogs…weird theme we are starting to get here.
kaosdevice (00:17:18 PM): this movie owes me ten bucks just for the first 16 minutes.
Glass Spider (00:17:36 PM): Reveal!: police are scared of the country!.
kaosdevice (00:18:07 PM): you can tell something ominous is going on by the lame music.
Glass Spider (00:18:10 PM): More expo in print. Cheap.
Glass Spider (00:18:37 PM): Is she the baby? Do I really care?
kaosdevice (00:18:43 PM): I know EXACTLY how she feels dying in that cell, I just happen to also have a keyboard.
kaosdevice (00:19:13 PM): pretty intense, unlike this scene.
Glass Spider (00:19:20 PM): Those are some spiffy classic cars, though.
kaosdevice (00:19:44 PM): They are tellin’ all ya all it is sabotage!
Glass Spider (00:20:08 PM): Is six years long enough to do that to a corpse? No, really, I wanna know.
Glass Spider (00:20:47 PM): ‘Cause the tapes seem to show an awful lotta skeletonized bodies.
kaosdevice (00:21:00 PM): Uwe wouldn’t know how to frame a scene if someone gave him a level and a t square.
Glass Spider (00:21:11 PM): It’s the house from "Home."
Glass Spider (00:21:29 PM): Got Mama on the crawly-gator under the bed.
kaosdevice (00:22:15 PM): house seems to be light-switch free it seems. But full of great video feeds. Aw rats!
Glass Spider (00:22:21 PM): Call Andy Taylor. Or Barney Freakin’ Fife. This movie just broke several torture laws.
kaosdevice (00:22:45 PM): wow, scary if you could have seen what the hell happened.
Glass Spider (00:23:07 PM): What, screeching rodents aren’t scary enough for you?
kaosdevice (00:23:33 PM): the blair dork project
Glass Spider (00:23:58 PM): He’s the Mad Dentist!
Glass Spider (00:24:06 PM): "Is it safe?"
kaosdevice (00:24:40 PM): wth? This movie wants us to just assume scary things are going on. ‘Listen, isn’t that terrifying!’
Glass Spider (00:24:50 PM): I guess 1980 cop cars didn’t come equipped with flood lights, either.
Glass Spider (00:25:12 PM): It’s just not takin’ me there.
Glass Spider (00:25:31 PM): "Random Last Name!"
Glass Spider (00:25:43 PM): "Red Shirt!"
Glass Spider (00:25:55 PM): "Peepants!"
kaosdevice (00:26:13 PM): This has the suspense value of a really bad harlequin romance novel.
Glass Spider (00:26:28 PM): The paperboy in Better Off Dead was scarier than this.
kaosdevice (00:27:05 PM): I’m going to take a pee tell me if I miss anything, oh wait, I won’t.
Glass Spider (00:27:08 PM): And, the calls were coming from inside the house!
Glass Spider (00:28:03 PM): Way to split up in the dark. Did you learn nothing from Scooby-Doo?
kaosdevice (00:28:37 PM): Is anything going to happen here that we actually get to see?
Glass Spider (00:28:47 PM): Boll saved a mint on set design and electricity.
kaosdevice (00:28:56 PM): This is the horror film version of a book on tape.
kaosdevice (00:29:34 PM): send more cops….
Glass Spider (00:29:41 PM): "Porn-stache! Forehead! Where are you guys?"
kaosdevice (00:30:05 PM): Sanchez! Get on point! Bewildered, where are you!
Glass Spider (00:30:17 PM): Guess the uni’s are the equivalent of redshirts in this movie.
Glass Spider (00:30:41 PM): Dude, it’s one of his own men.
Glass Spider (00:30:45 PM): Betcha.
kaosdevice (00:30:47 PM): I think he wants him to pick it up so he could kill him right now.
kaosdevice (00:31:30 PM): Ok, revision, drink when something is going on that you can’t really see.
Glass Spider (00:31:40 PM): I think Boll spent the money he saved on waterproof cameras.
kaosdevice (00:32:18 PM): is he making sweet love to that serial killer, because it sounded pretty porno.
Glass Spider (00:32:29 PM): Gosh, that was amazingly annoying.
Glass Spider (00:33:07 PM): Why does death-row serial-killer get to keep his mask on?
Glass Spider (00:33:47 PM): Pleatherface is terrifying. To cops, anyway.
kaosdevice (00:33:48 PM): why doesn’t he have a round in his skull about now?
kaosdevice (00:34:18 PM): I think the seed in this movie is for the tree of apathy.
Glass Spider (00:34:39 PM): "Signed, Grindol Calderon." Cripes, that guy writes like a doctor.
kaosdevice (00:35:17 PM): annnnd the electric chair they made sure to mention at the beginning.
Glass Spider (00:35:35 PM): The room fulla suits and freshly-peed floor are kinda scary.
Glass Spider (00:36:11 PM): Booooooooooored.
kaosdevice (00:36:19 PM): this movie left sense at the altar and ran off into the night.
Glass Spider (00:36:38 PM): It’s the Julia Roberts of horror movies.
Glass Spider (00:36:46 PM): More reason to hate it.
kaosdevice (00:37:05 PM): oh, it had my hate at hello.
Glass Spider (00:37:27 PM): Maybe Richard Gere will save us.
kaosdevice (00:37:48 PM): this movie would actually be IMPROVED by pigs.
Glass Spider (00:38:36 PM): 10 minutes of noisy fumbling in the rainy dark, and *this* is what they choose to show us in full light?
Glass Spider (00:39:06 PM): It’s worse those 15 minutes after last call!
kaosdevice (00:39:11 PM): A movie that was actually better for not being able to see what was going on.
kaosdevice (00:39:29 PM): that is what my brain feels like.
Glass Spider (00:39:50 PM): Maybe past-Michael Pare will come from The Philadelphia Experiment and save us.
kaosdevice (00:40:12 PM): that is just shocking
Glass Spider (00:40:12 PM): In the battleship, even.
Glass Spider (00:40:44 PM): Is this really just an argument against capital punishment?
kaosdevice (00:41:01 PM): an argument against good cinema perhaps.
Glass Spider (00:41:09 PM): Because this movie should get a lethal injection.
Glass Spider (00:41:27 PM): It’s killing my will to live. In cold blood.
Glass Spider (00:41:59 PM): Oooooo, he said the effword!
kaosdevice (00:42:28 PM): I just….ok…I need to gather myself and recoup from this barrage of stupid.
Glass Spider (00:42:42 PM): Hey! A date!
Glass Spider (00:43:11 PM): I guess reading can pay off.
kaosdevice (00:43:25 PM): Reading is fundamental
Glass Spider (00:43:34 PM): For kids!
Glass Spider (00:43:42 PM): Like Knife-wrench!
kaosdevice (00:44:15 PM): if only that could put the movie in that same box to be buried. I’d feel a lot better about the world.
Glass Spider (00:44:33 PM): I’m not sure nails would hold it in.
kaosdevice (00:44:38 PM): drink
kaosdevice (00:45:30 PM): gosh, I couldn’t POSSIBLY guess what is coming up next!
Glass Spider (00:45:33 PM): Give that cop a whiskey!
kaosdevice (00:45:40 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:46:03 PM): Hear ’em trying for the Cape Fear music? It’s kinda cute, in a way.
Glass Spider (00:46:44 PM): This movie better get some Klieg-spots, or I’m gonna get shitfaced.
kaosdevice (00:46:46 PM): to give credit where credit is due, Uwe does know how to make a truly horrible movie. That is a gift.
Glass Spider (00:47:05 PM): He’s the Ed Wood of our time.
Glass Spider (00:47:16 PM): Minus the fuzzy sweaters.
kaosdevice (00:47:30 PM): Ed Wood is like Orson Welles compared to Uwe.
Glass Spider (00:48:08 PM): "We’ll print no schlock before we’re paid."
Glass Spider (00:48:17 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:48:18 PM): fishsticks!
kaosdevice (00:48:22 PM): crap
Glass Spider (00:48:49 PM): The dirt was pooping caskets.
Glass Spider (00:49:25 PM): Hey, look; it’s Lana Lang’s child-doppelganger.
kaosdevice (00:49:27 PM): This movie erupted from that same earth. The soil itself rejected it.
Glass Spider (00:49:50 PM): The soil… soiled itself?
kaosdevice (00:50:01 PM): you think something bad is going to happen here? nahhhhhh.
kaosdevice (00:50:10 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:50:18 PM): Damn.
Glass Spider (00:50:54 PM): Bet Ol’ Sparky kills the executioner just fine.
kaosdevice (00:51:08 PM): big German dude and a cigar? Ahnold? Nope just Rolph.
Glass Spider (00:51:14 PM): Have more Scotch, that always helps.
kaosdevice (00:51:26 PM): Get to de choppah!
Glass Spider (00:51:33 PM): Drink.
kaosdevice (00:52:03 PM): Are you not entertained!
Glass Spider (00:52:09 PM): NO!
kaosdevice (00:52:15 PM): me neither.
Glass Spider (00:52:39 PM): This flick’s going to be a sixer, for sure.
kaosdevice (00:52:49 PM): This movie feels like putting your head through dry wall, repeatedly.
Glass Spider (00:53:02 PM): Dronk!
Glass Spider (00:53:16 PM): Nice uprobe shot.
Glass Spider (00:53:51 PM): DRINK!
kaosdevice (00:53:51 PM): Thank god we didn’t get a naked Rolph Muller
Glass Spider (00:54:03 PM): Sooooo daaaark.
kaosdevice (00:54:38 PM): This film is going to give me alcohol poisoning.
Glass Spider (00:54:54 PM): Classic tongue-bite. But they’re never that crunchy. I mean c’mon.
Glass Spider (00:55:09 PM): Good thing it’s only beer.
Glass Spider (00:55:28 PM): Beer. That’s a funny word.
kaosdevice (00:55:29 PM): Was that supposed to be frightening? Because, well, you saw.
Glass Spider (00:55:33 PM): Beeeeeerrr.
kaosdevice (00:55:57 PM): Rooooooolph!
kaosdevice (00:56:11 PM): Hit it until it works!
Glass Spider (00:56:17 PM): Best thing about this mobie: lamps. Great fapping lamps.
Glass Spider (00:56:50 PM): At least Pleatherface is wasting no time killing off the conspirators.
kaosdevice (00:57:06 PM): What the hell is this guy supposed to be? Plus what in the world does any of this have to do with seed?
Glass Spider (00:57:22 PM): Um, Seed was his name.
Glass Spider (00:57:29 PM): Or his press-handle.
kaosdevice (00:57:32 PM): His last name?
Glass Spider (00:57:43 PM): Or who even cares any more…
Glass Spider (00:58:09 PM): That little girl has been the same age for 5 years.
kaosdevice (00:58:32 PM): Wait let me check the stupid meter. \…………/./ Almost maxed out.
Glass Spider (00:59:19 PM): She should be in a remake of Poltergeist. Oooo, too soon?
kaosdevice (00:59:31 PM): She sees stupid movies.
Glass Spider (00:59:45 PM): No, we do. For the greater good.
kaosdevice (00:59:52 PM): They are everywhere they just don’t realize it.
Glass Spider (01h:00:09 PM): I know Uwe doesn’t.
Glass Spider (01h:00:33 PM): Psuedo Cape Fear score again, wow.
Glass Spider (01h:00:57 PM): I wish Rober DeNiro would murder this movie.
kaosdevice (01h:01:37 PM): You makin’ me watch you movie? You makin’ me watch? *click* Gun out
Glass Spider (01h:01:46 PM): Nice. Bury the evidence.
kaosdevice (01h:02:08 PM): I’m thinking he was burying the script.
kaosdevice (01h:02:16 PM): or maybe Uwe
Glass Spider (01h:02:23 PM): It would be an empty coffin.
Glass Spider (01h:02:44 PM): Hey it’s that guy!
kaosdevice (01h:02:50 PM): They opened the Stargate!
kaosdevice (01h: 03:28 PM): I remember singing ‘My Five Cops’ as a child.
Glass Spider (01h: 03:31 PM): You’re questioning me and my majestic hair?
Glass Spider (01h: 04:06 PM): OMG, the name of the town — didja catch it?
Glass Spider (01h: 04:15 PM): "Sufferton."
kaosdevice (01h: 04:26 PM): just like us with this movie.
Glass Spider (01h: 04:29 PM): Says it all.
Glass Spider (01h: 04:40 PM): He’s tenderizing her skull.
kaosdevice (01h: 04:50 PM): he’s tenderizing her, for flavor!
Glass Spider (01h: 04:52 PM): And so am I. Beer me!
kaosdevice (01h: 06:03 PM): I know this is supposed to be horrific but it is really kind of dull.
Glass Spider (01h: 06:06 PM): I’m shocked this isn’t happening in a windowless basement like everything else in this movie.
Glass Spider (01h: 06:32 PM): Slow torture. Remind you of anything?
kaosdevice (01h: 07:07 PM): this makes me feel like what this film is doing to me.
Glass Spider (01h: 07:11 PM): That was sincerely gross. But it sounds like crunching on celery stalks.
Glass Spider (01h: 07:26 PM): Cue Cape Fear.
Glass Spider (01h: 08:34 PM): Were going on 5 minutes of beating her head with a kitchen mallet.
kaosdevice (01h:08:41 PM): yeah, we get it you are smashing her head in, Let’s drag this on as long as possible to make it whatever the hell it is supposed to be. The big penultimate scary scene. YAWN.
Glass Spider (01h:08:51 PM): 5… minutes. Imagine it.
kaosdevice (01h:09:42 PM): I’ve had bloody noses that were more disturbing to me.
kaosdevice (01h:10:19 PM): Uwe just.does.not.get.it.
Glass Spider (01h:11:09 PM): Okay, I get it. Pleatherface does his mojo in daylight, and the cops do all their deeds in the dead of night. Are we making some artsy statement here?
kaosdevice (01h:12:25 PM): Starsky and boredom on the case!
Glass Spider (01h:12:28 PM): Are we feeling kind of sorry for poor Uwe?
Glass Spider (01h:12:40 PM): He tries. he tries so hard.
Glass Spider (01h:12:59 PM): Wow, mang — dig that shag rug!
kaosdevice (01h:13:19 PM): Wow they had Ikea back in the 80’s?
Glass Spider (01h:13:21 PM): It was fanTAStic!
kaosdevice (01h:13:49 PM): He needs a Shamwow for that bathroom
Glass Spider (01h:14:25 PM): Not true to 1980; that gore-soaked bathroom would have been done in harvest gold, with way more mirrors.
Glass Spider (01h:14:39 PM): More faux-Fear.
kaosdevice (01h:14:39 PM): Is this movie ever going to end?
Glass Spider (01h:14:54 PM): Some day it will, Timmy. Some day.
kaosdevice (01h:15:00 PM): It started in the late Paleolithic.
Glass Spider (01h:15:31 PM): That’s fair, ’cause you’d need carbon-dating for Pare’s suit.
kaosdevice (01h:16:43 PM): This movie feels like someone constantly poking you in the back of the head on a long road trip.
Glass Spider (01h:16:54 PM): Gee, Paw, will Detective Drinky ever get his man?
Glass Spider (01h:17:42 PM): This movie kicked the back of my seat all the across the International Dateline.
kaosdevice (01h:18:31 PM): Or the viewers of this movie.
Glass Spider (01h:18:34 PM): Pleatherface just wants a real mask. Like Cronenberg in Nightbreed had.
kaosdevice (01h:19:06 PM): could this music be more strident? Is this the Lifetime channel?
Glass Spider (01h:19:12 PM): Pneumatic tools, now?
Glass Spider (01h:19:31 PM): That’s another funny word. Pneuuuumatic.
Glass Spider (01h:19:54 PM): Everybody dies! Yes!
kaosdevice (01h:20:05 PM): Oh for the love of lard.
Glass Spider (01h:20:19 PM): Now Boll should break the third wall and do himself in front of the camera!
kaosdevice (01h:20:45 PM): This is the absolutely most horrible movie ending I have ever seen.
Glass Spider (01h:21:05 PM): You guys reaaaaally shoulda got him that Red Ryder bee bee gun. That’s all I have to say.

[  Mood: Scared ]
We are willingly, willingly going to watch a Uwe Boll film to protect you all from it.

Next up, ‘Seed’ (2007) as always contact us if you want in on the pain (you don’t).

[  Mood: Fed Up WIth Life ]
The Uninvited@Amazon

83 minutes that felt like 4 hours.

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kaosdevice (00:00:23 PM): Tonight’s atrocity exhibition is 2009’s ‘The Uninvited’ and it staaaarts, now.
kaosdevice (00:01:22 PM): That is our hopes and dreams burning away
Glass Spider (00:01:29 PM): Beware of friendly fire…
kaosdevice (00:02:03 PM): she’s got the Innsmouth look and he has a condom. Match made in heaven
Glass Spider (00:02:25 PM): Another voiceover flick?
kaosdevice (00:02:40 PM): Because voiceovers NEVER get annoying.
kaosdevice (00:03:05 PM): She’s in the filthy forest near the grove of trash bags.
Glass Spider (00:03:15 PM): First-person narration is not a viable substitute for writing. "and here’s where I lost my virginity…"
Glass Spider (00:03:52 PM): *Snooooore*
kaosdevice (00:04:04 PM): ok, it’s a drink every time something that is supposed to be scary is lame.
Glass Spider (00:04:19 PM): Because no one wants to look at a sick person all the time.
kaosdevice (00:04:30 PM): with an irritating bell.
Glass Spider (00:04:39 PM): Okay, it’s a dream, we get it.
kaosdevice (00:04:53 PM): like this movie
Glass Spider (00:05:13 PM): Insurance dividends for everyone!
Glass Spider (00:05:28 PM): Thanks, Dr. Obvious!
kaosdevice (00:05:38 PM): The deep ones are strong in this girl.
Glass Spider (00:05:57 PM): "Little red-headed girl"? Is this a Peanuts story?
kaosdevice (00:06:25 PM): Because you actually aren’t smart I’m just being polite.
Glass Spider (00:06:36 PM): Gosh, he doesn’t scream Dr. Bad-Touch at all.
kaosdevice (00:07:09 PM): The only way this dialogue could be more boring is if it was quoting me tax codes.
Glass Spider (00:07:36 PM): It’s a process. You have to forgive yourself. Feel your feelings. And 20 other clichéd analyst phrases!
kaosdevice (00:07:41 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:08:16 PM): Because you’re ugly, not cute like our fish-faced heroine.
kaosdevice (00:08:32 PM): this film likes its’ overhead cam shots.
kaosdevice (00:09:03 PM): nah, its’ a handgun!
Glass Spider (00:09:04 PM): Awwww, David Strathairn needed a payday.
Glass Spider (00:09:28 PM): Creeeee-py.
kaosdevice (00:09:40 PM): He does the pervy dad thing well.
Glass Spider (00:10:17 PM): I don’t want him to say "I wanted you all to myself," to his daughter. Not after Dolores Claiborne.
kaosdevice (00:10:46 PM): Could the music in this be more strident and obnoxious?
Glass Spider (00:10:48 PM): Yipe. Teen panties.
kaosdevice (00:11:08 PM): Mmmmmm sweaty Elizibeth Banks.
Glass Spider (00:11:18 PM): Yesssss, Precioussss.
Glass Spider (00:11:34 PM): Okay, go for stroganoff jokes!
kaosdevice (00:11:45 PM): just can’t go there too easy
Glass Spider (00:11:52 PM): Daddy likes ’em young.
kaosdevice (00:12:47 PM): Wow, that must have been house explosion lite(tm) for when you only want the appearance of a blown up building without the actual damage.
Glass Spider (00:12:59 PM): Chili-dog break! Cover me, I’m goin’ in!
kaosdevice (00:13:06 PM): go for it!
kaosdevice (00:14:37 PM): Ah the overblown drama, and could it be, some sort of plot? And now the Lifetime family drama portion of the movie.
kaosdevice (00:16:04 PM): Where we wrote down what the hell was going on in this movie.
kaosdevice (00:16:28 PM): Nice Texas Chainsaw Massacre attic.
Glass Spider (00:16:32 PM): Spooky. Dronk!
kaosdevice (00:17:22 PM): Hey it is Mama’s sick bell! What a keepsake, do they have some plague blankets and some rats with bubonic fleas as well?
Glass Spider (00:17:29 PM): We now return to the Special Presentation of "The Haunted Bell."
Glass Spider (00:17:50 PM): Not a Kodak moment.
kaosdevice (00:17:58 PM): The hand that bores the cradle.
Glass Spider (00:18:06 PM): Groooooossssss. Parental sex-noise.
kaosdevice (00:18:13 PM): Annnnd sex sounds, always a quality move.
Glass Spider (00:18:21 PM): Why man invented headphones.
Glass Spider (00:19:01 PM): I heard a bell. Did they get a cat?
Glass Spider (00:19:04 PM): Or a pig?
Glass Spider (00:19:13 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:19:21 PM): drink
kaosdevice (00:20:17 PM): scene you are being mean to our livers
Glass Spider (00:20:52 PM): She had therapy for her nightmares… How are we supposed to take any of this seriously?
Glass Spider (00:22:00 PM): Groooosssssss! More parental sex references.
Glass Spider (00:22:08 PM): And barfing.
kaosdevice (00:23:07 PM): she sucks at being creepy.
Glass Spider (00:23:15 PM): Is this Ethan Frome? Are they tricking me?
Glass Spider (00:23:30 PM): Ommmmm, she said the effword!
kaosdevice (00:23:30 PM): and she learned to carry on, hey! hey!
Glass Spider (00:24:14 PM): Clunkier foreshadowing than a porn-movie makeup artist.
kaosdevice (00:24:17 PM): ah bonding, this makes me feel warm and nauseous.
Glass Spider (00:24:58 PM): Little sis wears the demure one-piece, big sis, the slutty-kini!
kaosdevice (00:25:21 PM): there’s a reason nobody ever accused you of being smart son.
Glass Spider (00:25:31 PM): Reunited with the teen mauler.
Glass Spider (00:25:51 PM): Yep, Banks comes off more frigid and bitchy than scary.
kaosdevice (00:26:18 PM): lake delivery service, I’ll have a can of something interesting going on with a side of actual scary?
Glass Spider (00:26:48 PM): Burning chili-dog, with my burning desire for a coherent storyline.
kaosdevice (00:27:51 PM): I’m so bored my autonomic functions are falling asleep.
Glass Spider (00:28:11 PM): So the new step-mom’s a posessive wench, and dad’s a spineless go-bag. Anything helpful in that?
kaosdevice (00:28:15 PM): you may have to call the morgue Spidey.
Glass Spider (00:28:31 PM): Having trouble swallowing?
Glass Spider (00:28:37 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:28:45 PM): argh!
kaosdevice (00:29:41 PM): another deadly scene
Glass Spider (00:30:04 PM): Zombie mom. So? I grew up with my own terrors — ever heard of polyester bellbottoms?
kaosdevice (00:30:21 PM): Mr. Microphone?
Glass Spider (00:30:45 PM): Diet Rite?
kaosdevice (00:31:01 PM): I’ve seen games of Candyland that have had more complicated set ups then this ‘mystery’.
Glass Spider (00:31:17 PM): Chutes and Ladders!
Glass Spider (00:31:38 PM): Sisters in the bathtub — ain’t it cute.
kaosdevice (00:31:51 PM): Just a couple of sisters in their sexy under things hanging out in a tub. Completely normal.
Glass Spider (00:32:26 PM): These girls look about as Asian as white girls can look. Even their casting was rote.
Glass Spider (00:33:13 PM): Yay! Beamer! Car of choice for all gold-digging second wives!
kaosdevice (00:33:44 PM): The movie is giving me the dialogue equivalent of a wet willy right now.
Glass Spider (00:33:45 PM): Ooooo, sneaky, step-mom.
Glass Spider (00:33:55 PM): Not in the ears!
Glass Spider (00:34:22 PM): She does do Zero-Sum eyes pretty well.
Glass Spider (00:34:55 PM): Garbage-bag girl makes an appearance.
kaosdevice (00:34:58 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:35:55 PM): I’d probably have this movie figured out already if I cared enough to pay attention.
kaosdevice (00:36:05 PM): and everyone loves freshberries!
Glass Spider (00:36:52 PM): New mom cuts off all outside contact. Creepy, but for the wrong reasons.
kaosdevice (00:37:06 PM): I’ve seen circus clown acts that were more subtle
Glass Spider (00:37:47 PM): This girl dresses like Dora the Explorer. And not in a cute way.
Glass Spider (00:37:53 PM): One funny line.
kaosdevice (00:38:14 PM): This movie seems to be mostly about lingerie and bathing suits, oh and ennui.
Glass Spider (00:38:19 PM): "She’s like a crack whore, without the dignity."
kaosdevice (00:39:02 PM): Because nothing says payback like stealing vibrator batteries.
Glass Spider (00:39:15 PM): Wow, that’s some teenage rebellion — swiped the batteries out of mom’s B.O.B.
Glass Spider (00:39:41 PM): *Battery operated boyfriend.
Glass Spider (00:40:03 PM): Snooooorrrre.
kaosdevice (00:40:09 PM): Is this a movie about sisters or a Vivid Video production?
Glass Spider (00:40:24 PM): Maybe she’ll stay with me till I fall asleep.
kaosdevice (00:40:27 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:40:32 PM): Shouldn’t be long now.
kaosdevice (00:41:05 PM): Well it would be a yin/yang, that other film took me out for a bit.
Glass Spider (00:41:39 PM): He’s finally learned how to play a girl — act scared and needy.
kaosdevice (00:42:15 PM): that’s some wicked scoliosis
kaosdevice (00:42:21 PM): drink btw
Glass Spider (00:42:24 PM): Didn’t we already see all of this in Pet Sematary?
Glass Spider (00:43:27 PM): Bluuuuuue booyyyyyfriend….
kaosdevice (00:43:34 PM): They’ve called in the Coast Guard to save us from this movie! Oh, never mind we couldn’t be so lucky.
Glass Spider (00:43:53 PM): It’d have to be Navy Seals, at this point.
kaosdevice (00:44:07 PM): Because these are timber infested waters.
kaosdevice (00:44:44 PM): like this movie
Glass Spider (00:45:13 PM): Nothing’s ever her fault — ask her therapist.
Glass Spider (00:45:58 PM): It’s too soon to try and turn Dad against his new humpin’ dolly.
kaosdevice (00:46:00 PM): being in this movie, it has been hard for all of us.
Glass Spider (00:46:57 PM): I’m paranoid and emotional, but not crazy!
kaosdevice (00:47:06 PM): You don’t have to be crazy to be in this film but it helps! Huh huh huh huh!
kaosdevice (00:47:24 PM): I’m afraid for me.
Glass Spider (00:47:45 PM): Dang, big sister has some masculine shoulders.
kaosdevice (00:48:25 PM): She has the sleuthing skills of an Our Gang featurette.
Glass Spider (00:48:30 PM): Ewwww, now that was scary. Nobody should have to see anyone’s driver’s license photo.
Glass Spider (00:49:00 PM): Hey, it’s Dora the Explorer and Carmen San Diego!
Glass Spider (00:49:11 PM): Gross.
kaosdevice (00:49:20 PM): The suspense of this movie is as intense as a beating with a feather duster.
Glass Spider (00:49:32 PM): Yeeeaahhhh, that’s not creepy.
kaosdevice (00:50:00 PM): This one shore has a party mouthy…squeals like a pig for me step-daughter!
Glass Spider (00:50:15 PM): Or like a jig.
kaosdevice (00:50:44 PM): out of this movie
Glass Spider (00:51:01 PM): Mom, the most boring sexy showdown, ever.
kaosdevice (00:51:10 PM): of this movie
Glass Spider (00:51:31 PM): Maybe I could be institutionalized. For my protection.
Glass Spider (00:51:42 PM): From this movie.
Glass Spider (00:52:09 PM): More chili-dog!
kaosdevice (00:52:27 PM): This party is a smoking jacket, a martini and a pipe away from the Playboy club.
kaosdevice (00:54:02 PM): Oh movie, you are just trying your little heart out aren’t you?
kaosdevice (00:54:48 PM): ah more lame foreshadowing.
kaosdevice (00:55:05 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:55:09 PM): I wonder if that was a metaphor for how they came up with their screenplay…
Glass Spider (00:56:30 PM): It was like a set-up for one of those rhetorical moral questions.
Glass Spider (00:57:16 PM): If you had a fancy dinner party and all your guests were there, and none of them saw the main course fall on the floor, would you still watch the rest of this movie?
kaosdevice (00:57:21 PM): All she wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi and he wouldn’t give it too her!
kaosdevice (00:57:50 PM): I am ashamed to be in this film though
Glass Spider (00:58:06 PM): Or to be boning a hot chick 30 years younger than me.
kaosdevice (00:58:29 PM): You know what would be frightening? If something actually happened in this movie.
Glass Spider (00:58:38 PM): Not like that trash you usually wear.
kaosdevice (00:58:55 PM): He is reading from the book of Pointless 4:32
Glass Spider (00:59:01 PM): Oh, the hatred in her hazel eyes…
kaosdevice (00:59:47 PM): I see plot hooks, they are all around but nobody else in the film sees them.
Glass Spider (01:00:14 PM): What the eff is with the little LDS kid all the time? Did she miss her horse-drawn carriage ride home?
kaosdevice (01:00:52 PM): Something just ain’t Wright there.
Glass Spider (01:01:05 PM): Gosh, that would have meant something if I had any idea who the Wrights were.
kaosdevice (01:01:38 PM): Oh, so now it is a ghost thing?
Glass Spider (01:01:53 PM): The Hand that Mocks Credulity.
kaosdevice (01:02:04 PM): So the doctor gave her a pearl necklace. *cough* moving on…
Glass Spider (01:02:56 PM): Maybe the restaraunteur will give her some fresh sausage.
kaosdevice (01:02:59 PM): Keyhole cam!
Glass Spider (01:04:12 PM): Once this food is gone, I’ll have no more reason to be distracted from this film.
Glass Spider (01:04:21 PM): Or reason to live.
kaosdevice (01:04:27 PM): Wow completely didn’t see something bad coming there, oh wait I did. We’ve got the suspense value of a pendulum.
kaosdevice (01:05:01 PM): chick fight!
Glass Spider (01:05:28 PM): This is angry stepdaughter porn.
kaosdevice (01:05:32 PM): I just want to drug and kill you.
Glass Spider (01:06:36 PM): It might have had a chance if it could have decided: Ghost story or psycho-mom story.
Glass Spider (01:07:23 PM): I wish I could put a dresser in front of the door to my psyche.
Glass Spider (01:07:44 PM): I wish I could report this movie to the authorities.
kaosdevice (01:08:18 PM): Mildred? Really?
kaosdevice (01:08:37 PM): Stop hurting me movie.
Glass Spider (01:08:40 PM): Didn’t he ever see Gremlins?
Glass Spider (01:09:12 PM): It’s all fun and games till something rigs your electric stairs.
kaosdevice (01:09:28 PM): Ah the ghost of the protective mom.
Glass Spider (01:09:47 PM): Wow, her credibility just went through the roof.
kaosdevice (01:10:11 PM): This like it was directed by a brain damaged M. Night
Glass Spider (01:11:02 PM): Lemme guess… Step mom’s gonna win, but ghost mom will finish her off just in time to save the girls…
Glass Spider (01:11:51 PM): Gross. Step-nurse is stripping the teen to her underwears.
Glass Spider (01:12:40 PM): I believed Rebecca DeMornay soooooo much better in the role.
Glass Spider (01:14:05 PM): And now I babble crazy things at you to justify my psycho behavior.
kaosdevice (01:14:19 PM): the dumpster of doooooooom
Glass Spider (01:14:34 PM): Trash bags? Again?
Glass Spider (01:15:00 PM): Man, look at the delts on that girl!
kaosdevice (01:15:01 PM): gosh another amazing turnaround that didn’t make much sense.
Glass Spider (01:15:52 PM): It’s like Beautiful Creatures only much less interesting.
kaosdevice (01:16:27 PM): Oh for pete’s sake.
Glass Spider (01:16:52 PM): Couldn’t we just say it was all a bad dream?
Glass Spider (01:17:01 PM): Like this movie?
kaosdevice (01:17:24 PM): I wish. Now we get the big flash back into yaaaaawnsville.
Glass Spider (01:17:45 PM): And the flashback that explains it all… Really, Movie?
kaosdevice (01:18:01 PM): She was the cause of it all along.
kaosdevice (01:19:00 PM): Blah, blah, blah.
Glass Spider (01:19:31 PM): So it was all just a big accident — she was trying to kill her father, not her mother.
Glass Spider (01:20:07 PM): Oooooh, and she killed them all. Of course she did.
kaosdevice (01:20:28 PM): Sheesh, not even a miracle could cure this lameness.
Glass Spider (01:20:30 PM): THE HORROR!
Glass Spider (01:21:53 PM): Hey, maybe she was Mildred Kemp — and she killed those children, too!
kaosdevice (01:21:53 PM): at least we had chili dogs.
kaosdevice (01:22:04 PM): In another life!
Glass Spider (01:22:07 PM): *BUUUUUUURRRP*
kaosdevice (01:22:21 PM): Ooooooh how ominous.
kaosdevice (01:22:53 PM): Let’s give the murderous girl some scissors! What a great idea!
kaosdevice (01:23:24 PM): Lot’s of gals getting pearl necklaces in this movie. *cough* moving on…
Glass Spider (01:23:26 PM): This movie was so bad even the directors fought over who wouldn’t take credit for it.
kaosdevice (01:23:49 PM): Can’t believe I am still awake.

[  Mood: Sick ]
Our next attempt at being mugged by strangers in a dark alley for pocket change is 2009’s ‘The Uninvited’ a remake of an evidentially superior Korean horror film. Since we have a fetish for pain we are going to skip that one and go for the remake. As usual we are doing this Sunday night. If you want in (and all signs including the magic 8 ball say you don’t) let us know so you can join in on the chat and watch it with us. Considering the pain level there will probably be some sort of drinking game involving cats, pigs or as this movie looks, non-scary ‘frightening’ moments involved.

The Spirit @ Amazon

—————————

kaosdevice (00:08:05 PM): —->Tonights’ film pain inducer is The Spirit (2008) let the carnage…BEGIN!
Glass Spider (00:08:06 PM): Strap in, citizen. This could get bumpy.
kaosdevice (00:09:34 PM): Death is a skank?
Glass Spider (00:09:41 PM): It sounds like Parasite Eve.
Glass Spider (00:10:00 PM): Anyone remember that game? It was far out.
Glass Spider (00:10:16 PM): Maybe we should talk about that instead…
kaosdevice (00:10:31 PM): This movie isn’t filmed at all like Sin City except that it almost completely is.
Glass Spider (00:11:06 PM): Ohhh, and we have cheese. Cheese and we aren’t even 3 minutes in.
kaosdevice (00:11:15 PM): When a hero wears…ADIDAS! Bah-dum!
Glass Spider (00:11:26 PM): Is this a cat movie?
Glass Spider (00:11:49 PM): I didn’t know it was gonna be a cat movie.
kaosdevice (00:12:25 PM): He is kinda got bad uncle feelings about his city.
Glass Spider (00:12:35 PM): This film wants to be Sin City when it grows up.
kaosdevice (00:12:41 PM): Show me on the map where the Spirit touched you city!
Glass Spider (00:12:57 PM): The map… good lard.
Glass Spider (00:14:08 PM): Thaaaaat was disturbing. I think I’m hearing banjoes again.
Glass Spider (00:14:43 PM): A cop named Liebowitz? How progressive.
kaosdevice (00:14:50 PM): This movie is so confused it can’t pick a decade.
Glass Spider (00:15:38 PM): Slo-mo snowfall… that’ll fill up some celluloid where they forgot to put story.
kaosdevice (00:15:50 PM): And it doesn’t get any bigger than Octopus big…aside from you know, Giant Squid big.
Glass Spider (00:16:08 PM): >ping<
kaosdevice (00:16:28 PM): That guy’s job is to essentially repeat everything The Spirit says.
kaosdevice (00:16:57 PM): So was that guy trying to say she was beautiful, you know that beautiful broad who was beautiful?
Glass Spider (00:16:57 PM): She should have given him a magical sword.
kaosdevice (00:17:09 PM): To the head.
Glass Spider (00:17:22 PM): Oh, yer mean tha beautiful one?
kaosdevice (00:17:47 PM): She’s wearing her swimmin’ leathers.
Glass Spider (00:18:12 PM): Sloooo-moooooooo. Eats up lots of vacant screen time.
Glass Spider (00:18:33 PM): What’s a Balfour?
kaosdevice (00:18:36 PM): That hat is ridiculous.
Glass Spider (00:18:55 PM): It’s fantabuloso!
kaosdevice (00:19:29 PM): I even like puns and that was agony.
Glass Spider (00:19:32 PM): Is it the Spanish Inquisition?
Glass Spider (00:19:45 PM): Not even chicken and waffles?
kaosdevice (00:20:13 PM): This movie sure likes its’ stupid names and repetition of lines.
Glass Spider (00:21:11 PM): Okay, I’m buying her as the boss like I bought Denise Richards as a rocket physicist.
kaosdevice (00:21:39 PM): This makes cartoon fights look like UFC.
Glass Spider (00:21:55 PM): Oh my-flippin’-gawd, it’s like a Roadrunner cartoon.
Glass Spider (00:21:59 PM): Meep-meep.
kaosdevice (00:22:42 PM): There is more junk floating around in that lake. If he pulls out an anvil next I wouldn’t be surprised.
Glass Spider (00:22:43 PM): Trying to redefine toilet humor…
Glass Spider (00:23:11 PM): Never a good idea. See the Farrelly brothers
kaosdevice (00:23:44 PM): I’m tired of all of the muthafrakkin’ Spirits in this Muthafrakkin lake!
Glass Spider (00:23:48 PM): Anvil, hell, why not a stick of TNT with the wick already lit?
Glass Spider (00:24:39 PM): Oh, lord. I think we are looking at Sam Jackson in… blackface. Blackface. Really?
kaosdevice (00:25:09 PM): They will be learning each other? That kind of exchange of words belongs in an episode of Two and a Half Men.
Glass Spider (00:25:32 PM): Another thing that should drop Charlie Sheen.
Glass Spider (00:26:06 PM): Nice dodge.
Glass Spider (00:26:26 PM): "What year?" "This year."
kaosdevice (00:26:41 PM): Dear lord, this dialogue is like being stuck in the ear with an ice pick.
Glass Spider (00:26:49 PM): This dialogue is all wet.
Glass Spider (00:26:52 PM): Get it?
Glass Spider (00:27:06 PM): See, I can make dull, crappy puns, too.
Glass Spider (00:27:49 PM): Damn, how much pancake they trowel on that guy?
kaosdevice (00:28:08 PM): Hotdogging? They actually used that?
Glass Spider (00:28:19 PM): Looks 20 years younger. And plastic.
Glass Spider (00:28:41 PM): "Off yer rocker." Good stuff, Maynard.
kaosdevice (00:29:19 PM): Annnnd now hot shot. It is like Frank Miller consulted an english to lame movie cliché phrase book.
Glass Spider (00:29:42 PM): Dun-dun-dunh! Clunky foreshadowing, aile 12.
kaosdevice (00:30:08 PM): The growly voiceover really gives this movie the one-two punch of cliché.
Glass Spider (00:30:08 PM): Heh-heh, he said ‘bone.’
Glass Spider (00:31:16 PM): Hint to filmmaker: Don’t reference cartoons when you’re nearly one yourself.
kaosdevice (00:31:39 PM): Is this 60’s Batman? All the mooks have names on thier shirts. Where are the ‘ka-pow’ and ‘ker-shmack’ overlays?
Glass Spider (00:31:41 PM): Thought you loved eggs, brother.
Glass Spider (00:32:19 PM): Hurrah, a flashback.
kaosdevice (00:32:33 PM): This movie has no idea where or when the hell it is.
Glass Spider (00:32:49 PM): You can tell cuz he’s wearing his Newsies hat.
kaosdevice (00:33:03 PM): Extry, extry!
Glass Spider (00:33:14 PM): Readallaboudit!
Glass Spider (00:33:35 PM): And now, a song! No? Oh, well.
kaosdevice (00:33:36 PM): You like shiney things so I got you this flash light, you can turn it on and shine it in your eyes.
kaosdevice (00:34:02 PM): Notice that her name is a font?
Glass Spider (00:34:06 PM): Is this a Spike Lee joint?
Glass Spider (00:34:24 PM): Makes me wish I had one. Dayum.
Glass Spider (00:34:53 PM): He’ll grow up some day, and meet the lovely Helvetica.
Glass Spider (00:35:08 PM): She’ll be a bad girl, of course.
kaosdevice (00:35:17 PM): Wow, they are really trying to keep the fact that these two had history such a secret.
kaosdevice (00:35:53 PM): Punch-battered? He had a taste for the Hawaiian I see.
Glass Spider (00:35:54 PM): So… what, all boxers are suicidal?
Glass Spider (00:36:01 PM): Mmmmm, batter.
kaosdevice (00:36:54 PM): I’ve had colon evacuations that were more moving than that scene.
Glass Spider (00:37:13 PM): Guido? My, aren’t we politically incorrect…
Glass Spider (00:37:33 PM): Hey, they can be quite emotional.
kaosdevice (00:37:41 PM): And I’ll be an astronaut, fireman, cowgirl!
Glass Spider (00:37:58 PM): And she walks away into the… Red Dawn.
Glass Spider (00:38:03 PM): WOLVERINES!!!
kaosdevice (00:39:09 PM): They sure like saying one another’s names to each other in this movie. Which is probably a good idea, because I care so little I would forget.
Glass Spider (00:39:19 PM): Well, she didn’t get her life of diamond-studded caviar and gold-plated facelifts… Or did she?
Glass Spider (00:39:42 PM): Who keeps biting that apple?
Glass Spider (00:39:48 PM): Is it the sound guy?
kaosdevice (00:40:23 PM): It is Octo-ninja!
Glass Spider (00:41:08 PM): Okay, I would have acted in this movie just to wear Jackson’s costumes.
kaosdevice (00:41:21 PM): I think that was why he signed on.
Glass Spider (00:41:33 PM): Pericles? Heracles?
Glass Spider (00:42:04 PM): He’s like a waffle covered in maple syrup.
kaosdevice (00:42:23 PM): I can’t, I just, I….am speechless right now at the sheer stupidness I am seeing.
Glass Spider (00:42:33 PM): He’s like flypaper. With flies. And maybe a moth or two.
kaosdevice (00:43:22 PM): The golden fleas? They are itchy.
Glass Spider (00:43:55 PM): She likes all her parasites gilded.
kaosdevice (00:44:04 PM): He really likes calling people sweetheart, I don’t think he really means it.
Glass Spider (00:44:08 PM): And her men gelded.
Glass Spider (00:44:39 PM): What is an Eric Balfour?
kaosdevice (00:44:46 PM): Gad, Eva Mendes couldn’t act her way out of a soggy cardboard box.
Glass Spider (00:44:58 PM): Good thing she’s not a witch.
kaosdevice (00:45:09 PM): rendered irrelevant like this movie.
Glass Spider (00:45:26 PM): Never could, but she’s not even playing her strengths in that outfit.
Glass Spider (00:46:28 PM): A girl physician? Surgeon, no less? Really, what frapping year is this?!?
kaosdevice (00:46:42 PM): the lust is palpable, and hard to wash off. Like rotten fish.
Glass Spider (00:46:43 PM): Burn!
Glass Spider (00:46:53 PM): >gulp<
Glass Spider (00:47:02 PM): Bored now.
Glass Spider (00:47:38 PM): Under that mask is 8 square inches of unwashed flesh.
kaosdevice (00:47:42 PM): If I was hit with a shovel right now I wouldn’t be terribly sad.
Glass Spider (00:47:54 PM): Uuuuurgh. Mask-jam.
Glass Spider (00:48:10 PM): I wonder if his face smells like toes…
kaosdevice (00:48:25 PM): thaaaat was weird
kaosdevice (00:48:40 PM): Don’t do drugs! Stay in school!
kaosdevice (00:48:46 PM): He’s Mr. T now.
Glass Spider (00:48:47 PM): I feel ill. I may need liquor.
Glass Spider (00:48:57 PM): Like his testicles.
kaosdevice (00:49:18 PM): and together they fight crime!
Glass Spider (00:49:28 PM): His testicles?
Glass Spider (00:50:06 PM): A Nokia handheld?
kaosdevice (00:50:18 PM): That’s what I am saying!
Glass Spider (00:50:28 PM): What the-pardon-my-fuck?!
kaosdevice (00:50:54 PM): That gal’s accent is from central bad actor casting.
Glass Spider (00:51:16 PM): Yeeeaaah, I was trying to ignore it.
kaosdevice (00:51:42 PM): On line.
Glass Spider (00:52:06 PM): Wait… ‘bad actor’ — are you offering to contribute to the dialogue?
kaosdevice (00:52:19 PM): I woke up in the middle of the night and this movie was coming at me with a garrote and a terrifying expression. I barely got away.
Glass Spider (00:52:37 PM): And made a little fraidy-pee?
kaosdevice (00:52:44 PM): big fraidy-pee
kaosdevice (00:52:52 PM): had to throw the pants away
Glass Spider (00:52:54 PM): And untied my hands…
Glass Spider (00:53:10 PM): He liked his boys tied.
Glass Spider (00:54:02 PM): Wow. If her mouth contorted any harder around that accent, she’d be a porn-star.
kaosdevice (00:54:13 PM): I think one of the training points the actors went through in rehearsal was "Repeat everything twice, it adds impact!"
Glass Spider (00:54:34 PM): "Yeah, yeah. I’m hip, I’m hip!"
Glass Spider (00:55:04 PM): Finally, Eva’s best feature.
Glass Spider (00:55:31 PM): Like an onion! Make ya cry, that booty.
kaosdevice (00:56:06 PM): You know what this movie needs, more pointless voiceovers.
Glass Spider (00:56:16 PM): "My flapping red tie makes me extra mysterious!"
Glass Spider (00:57:07 PM): It’s not wearing a shirt with its name on it, so that’s an improvement.
kaosdevice (00:57:09 PM): From ninja to scientist in 60 seconds!
Glass Spider (00:57:56 PM): I feel your pain, Samuel J.
Glass Spider (00:58:24 PM): "Gots ta be somebody needs killin’!"
kaosdevice (00:58:25 PM): Find me my test tube, it is the one that says bad mother frakker.
Glass Spider (00:58:56 PM): He’s cool like Fonzie.
kaosdevice (00:59:06 PM): ayyyyy!
Glass Spider (00:59:40 PM): Hey, no shite movie’s complete without a midget bellboy!
kaosdevice (01:00:04 PM): hey! The one decent part of this movie.
Glass Spider (01:00:23 PM): Ohhhh, that’s what an Eric Bal’s-four.
kaosdevice (01:00:54 PM): She should do less talking and more walking around naked.
Glass Spider (01:01:06 PM): I’m not bad. I just act badly… sigh.
Glass Spider (01:01:20 PM): A-greed!
kaosdevice (01:01:34 PM): kinky thing you.
kaosdevice (01:01:54 PM): It wasn’t supposed to be a vaaahz it was supposed to be a vase.
Glass Spider (01:01:56 PM): The tragic part is this movie doesn’t know how campy it could be.
Glass Spider (01:02:49 PM): Hooray! He’s gonna die — or not.
kaosdevice (01:02:56 PM): oh the hilarity in this scene could be cut with a sledgehammer.
Glass Spider (01:03:20 PM): I’m with the ignorant mob: "Jump! Jump! Jump!"
kaosdevice (01:03:40 PM): I’ve been saying that to this movie since the beginning.
Glass Spider (01:04:12 PM): He’s McGruber!
kaosdevice (01:04:22 PM): You got it McSpirit!
Glass Spider (01:04:53 PM): Best use of pants in this flick.
Glass Spider (01:05:26 PM): I prefer forgiving pavement. But I’ll never forgive this movie.
Glass Spider (01:05:41 PM): That frapping cat, again?
kaosdevice (01:05:53 PM): You’ve got to be kidding, reverse acrobatics up a fire escape? That makes as much sense as anything else though in this movie I suppose.
Glass Spider (01:05:56 PM): He shouldn’t talk that way about his mother.
kaosdevice (01:06:29 PM): This movie is to cats what that first movie was to pigs.
Glass Spider (01:06:34 PM): Oh, that’s why the cat’s here. So it can bury this movie.
Glass Spider (01:07:09 PM): Litterbox clumps of dialogue sear my bare ears!
Glass Spider (01:07:25 PM): I’m a frappin’ poet, dammit!
kaosdevice (01:07:29 PM): Ok, I’m taking a drink every time I see a cat, maybe it will make the pain less.
Glass Spider (01:07:45 PM): Dang, that’s what I’m missin’.
kaosdevice (01:08:58 PM): What a heartfelt scene. And by heartfelt I mean like in burning pain.
kaosdevice (01:09:27 PM): That smell is me grinding my teeth.
Glass Spider (01:09:31 PM): I think that may be the spirit of this movie trying to communicate with us.
Glass Spider (01:10:14 PM): "You’re sooo weeeary. Let me hold yoooou."
kaosdevice (01:10:32 PM): It’s the dance of knives and cleavage!
kaosdevice (01:10:46 PM): oh…dear…lord.
Glass Spider (01:10:55 PM): And we have completely abandoned any semblance of sense, again.
Glass Spider (01:11:03 PM): Just in time, I see.
kaosdevice (01:11:42 PM): Jackson in Nazi gear, this movie just run up and hit me between the eyes with a baton.
Glass Spider (01:11:43 PM): Samuel L. has more costumes than a drag revue.
Glass Spider (01:12:23 PM): "Heads up!"
Glass Spider (01:12:30 PM): Aaaaaaaaa-men!
kaosdevice (01:12:35 PM): There are Cat 5 Hurricanes that are less overblown than Jackson’s acting here.
Glass Spider (01:13:04 PM): And yet, he’s the very best thing about this utter waste of time.
kaosdevice (01:13:24 PM): I think the core themes of this movie are cats, repeating lines and hats.
Glass Spider (01:13:26 PM): Not disco?
Glass Spider (01:13:38 PM): Oh, soooo many hats.
kaosdevice (01:13:55 PM): So he is Re-Animator?
kaosdevice (01:14:09 PM): oh and eggs.
Glass Spider (01:14:14 PM): He does love his eggs.
Glass Spider (01:15:01 PM): Niagara Falls! Slowly I turned….!
kaosdevice (01:15:23 PM): This couldn’t be more stupid than if it was lobotomized.
Glass Spider (01:15:28 PM): Now he’s Uma Thurman?
kaosdevice (01:16:02 PM): The hand bursting through the ground? What is next, him on his knees in the rain going ‘nooooo!’
Glass Spider (01:16:07 PM): This movie stole more stuff than a ponzi scheme.
kaosdevice (01:17:06 PM): I could you know, wash their towels, rub lotion on their shoulders, think tender thoughts..
Glass Spider (01:17:21 PM): I guess the real tragedy is that I could stop this torture at any time, yet we let it go on.
Glass Spider (01:17:36 PM): If he says vase that way one more time…
Glass Spider (01:17:43 PM): Niagara Falls!
kaosdevice (01:17:46 PM): We’re doing this for the people Spidey, suck it up.
Glass Spider (01:18:28 PM): Can’t we just watch Unbreakable again, instead?
Glass Spider (01:18:44 PM): Cat! Drink!
kaosdevice (01:18:44 PM): That can’t is going to kill me.
kaosdevice (01:18:49 PM): cat
Glass Spider (01:19:03 PM): Cat!
kaosdevice (01:19:27 PM): I’ve never been happier to see a cat melt.
Glass Spider (01:19:34 PM): Are your allergies acting up, yet?
Glass Spider (01:20:01 PM): All the murder and mayhem, and he’s avenging a cat?
Glass Spider (01:20:49 PM): Aaaaa-men!
Glass Spider (01:21:17 PM): Oh, that could sooo be interpreted the wrong way.
kaosdevice (01:21:22 PM): ooooof course he did her as well.
Glass Spider (01:21:42 PM): Her name is Paris?
kaosdevice (01:21:51 PM): Plaster of Paris
kaosdevice (01:22:08 PM): He is fighting for cats everywhere.
Glass Spider (01:22:55 PM): Thank goodness there aren’t any Chinese in this movie.
kaosdevice (01:22:55 PM): For caring about his city he is really willing to cause infrastructure damage.
Glass Spider (01:23:23 PM): Old broad could use a facelift, maybe.
kaosdevice (01:23:31 PM): This angel of death thing is really getting old.
Glass Spider (01:23:48 PM): Aw, maaaan, the movie’s talkin’ to us again.
Glass Spider (01:23:59 PM): I’m really creeped out.
kaosdevice (01:24:20 PM): This movie did really need to up its drunken bum content.
Glass Spider (01:24:32 PM): Next it’ll be offering to put us out of our misery.
Glass Spider (01:24:34 PM): Cat!
Glass Spider (01:25:06 PM): This movie names at least 38 better films in its dialogue alone.
kaosdevice (01:25:09 PM): So even death has the hots for him.
Glass Spider (01:25:22 PM): "No more pain"? I’m in!
kaosdevice (01:25:23 PM): UGH!
Glass Spider (01:25:40 PM): It wants his ‘spirit’. Gross.
kaosdevice (01:25:52 PM): Someone took a bedazzler to her forehead.
Glass Spider (01:26:08 PM): That you don’t have to watch this movie any more?
kaosdevice (01:27:26 PM): This guy chases more booty than a pirate fleet.
Glass Spider (01:27:27 PM): ‘Sand’ Serif? Geddit?
kaosdevice (01:27:57 PM): We could remove everything from you but that stupid mask.
Glass Spider (01:28:13 PM): And it smells like feet.
kaosdevice (01:28:27 PM): he’s got an idea for him to use on Twitter?
Glass Spider (01:28:39 PM): I think that cop just tried to tell us he’s on Twitter.
Glass Spider (01:29:13 PM): Dressed for skankin’!
kaosdevice (01:29:17 PM): Is this going to be a stripper fight?
Glass Spider (01:29:33 PM): Oh, please, oh please, oh please!
Glass Spider (01:29:46 PM): I need that cat.
Glass Spider (01:30:07 PM): Never a waste of time when the chicks are dressed like that.
Glass Spider (01:30:12 PM): With penises!
Glass Spider (01:30:23 PM): Ohhh, that came out all wrong.
kaosdevice (01:30:30 PM): This movie is as subtle as parking lot flasher.
kaosdevice (01:31:06 PM): It’s the case from the trunk of the car in Repo Man!
Glass Spider (01:31:12 PM): Speaking of flashers, I think the DVD should be equipped with hazard lights.
kaosdevice (01:31:36 PM): I think the DVD should ship with a vial of cyanide.
kaosdevice (01:31:55 PM): excuse me. A vaaaahz of cyanide.
Glass Spider (01:32:22 PM): So he’ll say, "vaaahz," but he quibbles over how to say Hercules?
Glass Spider (01:32:33 PM): Cat!
kaosdevice (01:33:15 PM): This is like Sergio Leone from the dimension of idiotic.
Glass Spider (01:33:16 PM): Another snazzy coat and hat for Samuel L.
Glass Spider (01:33:39 PM): Hat!
Glass Spider (01:33:48 PM): Ooops, false alarm.
Glass Spider (01:33:50 PM): Cat!
Glass Spider (01:34:06 PM): Eyebrows by Vanilla Ice.
kaosdevice (01:34:16 PM): cat
Glass Spider (01:34:33 PM): >buuuurp<
kaosdevice (01:35:00 PM): WHAT! Is this the final level of Doom all of a sudden?
Glass Spider (01:35:18 PM): That guy’s shirt said Dildos.
Glass Spider (01:35:21 PM): Nuff said.
Glass Spider (01:35:44 PM): Nice shootin’, deadeye.
Glass Spider (01:36:26 PM): Again with the eggs.
kaosdevice (01:36:33 PM): This gun fight had more wasted rounds than a frat party full of non drinkers.
kaosdevice (01:37:07 PM): And we get the ark of the covenant.
Glass Spider (01:37:08 PM): It’s the case from Pulp Fiction.
kaosdevice (01:37:26 PM): Sam Jackson is going to come back as Dr. Manhattan.
Glass Spider (01:37:27 PM): Aw, man. I just shot Marvin in the face.
Glass Spider (01:37:56 PM): A 14 on the WTF-scale.
kaosdevice (01:38:17 PM): Checking the sense-o-meter. Yup reading a zero.
Glass Spider (01:38:19 PM): "What smells like feet?"
Glass Spider (01:38:54 PM): Like kissin’ a corpse.
kaosdevice (01:38:55 PM): Cue the fog machines! For no good reason!
kaosdevice (01:39:15 PM): Aw poor miss lonelyheart.
kaosdevice (01:39:37 PM): Again with the hat.
Glass Spider (01:39:37 PM): Eva pouts well.
Glass Spider (01:39:44 PM): Hat!
kaosdevice (01:40:15 PM): That guy has grimacing down to a science.
kaosdevice (01:41:27 PM): Please release us movie, we never did anything to you! let us go!
Glass Spider (01:41:39 PM): Don’t ask about my other exes — Lucida, Corsiva, Verdana, and Wingdings.
kaosdevice (01:42:15 PM): Man he is really creepy about his city.
Glass Spider (01:42:17 PM): Stolen directly from Sin City.
Glass Spider (01:42:30 PM): I think we are done.
Glass Spider (01:42:56 PM): Man, made a mockery of a once-decent song, too.
kaosdevice (01:43:07 PM): That movie was antibiotic resistant.
Glass Spider (01:43:19 PM): I’m itchy.

[  Mood: Fed Up WIth Life ]
We have picked the next beating. We aen’t happy about it but seriously, we are trying to protect you people.

CD is fixin’ up to watch ‘The Spirit’ Sunday night. Yeah, we expect it is going to be as bad as critics say, but we are going to bite down and be brutalized by this film.

You will thank us when you don’t watch it. Movie gods forbid though and you want to join us, leave a comment.

[  Mood: Embarrased ]
Dear god stay away from this. This is KaosDevice reporting by the way. Few people are larger fans of the work of H.P. Lovecraft than I am. I’ve been obsessed with the dude since I was knee high to a chipmunk. So I’ve been curious about this movie that has been in the works, then vanished into the mist only to reappear for quite some time.

It is truly, truly awful. It not only does a disservice to the Mythos, it is complete tripe as well. I made it through the whole pile of disappointment only to come out the other end wishing there was a mental equivalent of those eyewash stations they have in places that deal with hazardous chemicals.

On behalf of CinemaDestructo I would like to place an official ‘unwatchable’ sign on this film. Don’t go near and look elsewhere for your Lovecraft. Like the far better adaptation of ‘Shadow over Innsmouth’, ‘Dagon’.

[  Mood: Very Sad ]
Dying Breed @ Amazon

One of us actually fell asleep at the end of this. It was that lame. This was a very rough outing for the team.

—————————————————

GlassSpider (00:00:05 ): Witness our strength as we eat while viewing this work of fart.
kaosdevice (00:00:45 ): tiger, tiger burning bright
GllassSpider (00:00:52 ): Tasmanian Tiger sighting, ahoy!
GlassSpider (00:01:35 ): Oh, BTW, also based on/ inspired by true events…
kaosdevice (00:02:03 ): In the tiresome long ago people hunted things, and there was much apathy.
GlassSpider (00:02:14 ): Verily!
kaosdevice (00:02:47 ): this guy has got to much whiskey and too little intelligibility.
GlassSpider (00:03:11 ): Why, oh why do all cannibals have such poor dental hygiene?
kaosdevice (00:03:43 ): well, they have terrible dental plans
GlassSpider (00:04:26 ): Not to mention, dinner plans.
GlassSpider (00:04:56 ): Pretty credits. Think they broke the bank?
GlassSpider (00:06:20 ): Giving us things to read is no substitute for actual engagement.
kaosdevice (00:06:27 ): Aw movie, are you really going to start like this? Lame entry, uninteresting characters, lots of kiwi accents?
kaosdevice (00:08:14 ): Spidey’s computer hated this movie so much it killed her connection.
GlassSpider (00:11:33 ): I think that’s the same cafe from Death Proof. Is there only one diner in all of the down under?
kaosdevice (00:12:41 ): need a ham?
GlassSpider (00:12:48 ): Got one.
GlassSpider (00:13:04 ): I guess Aussies don’t believe in film scores.
kaosdevice (00:13:23 ): CSI New Zealand
GlassSpider (00:13:45 ): Um, gross. Gag me with an eel.
GlassSpider (00:14:12 ): Somebody call Andrew Zimmern!
kaosdevice (00:14:16 ): Its moron cam! New reality show.
GlassSpider (00:14:49 ): After the break, we stick forks in wall outlets. Stay tuned!
kaosdevice (00:15:33 ): every other word in this move is OI! It is like being at a cross between a soccer match and the wailing wall.
kaosdevice (00:16:41 ): its j horror kiwi style! K-Horror!
GlassSpider (00:16:59 ): Tannin! Not tannin!!! Setting up for a big reveal later… unless you know some things about stuff. Pretty basic.
kaosdevice (00:18:10 ): he says it is all very interesting, but he isn’t watching the same movie we are.
kaosdevice (00:18:47 ): oh, nice try at humor there movie, that was adorable.
GlassSpider (00:18:47 ): This confirms nothing more than the fact that Tasmanians were drunk when they named everything. That "tiger" looks like a hyena.
kaosdevice (00:19:33 ): well when Tasmania was settled they called every thing either tiger or devil.
GlassSpider (00:19:40 ): And here’s the liquor.
GlassSpider (00:19:53 ): Or dragon.
kaosdevice (00:20:36 ): Hey it is another collection of redneck with pigs. Why am I sensing a CD theme here?
GlassSpider (00:20:57 ): "Yew ain’t from around here, are ye?"
kaosdevice (00:21:12 ): Any pigs in here?
kaosdevice (00:21:24 ): Nope, just tortured people.
kaosdevice (00:21:44 ): let’s have a beah!
GlassSpider (00:21:58 ): Yipe. Ice cream sundae to bloody root canal. Gosh… scary.
GlassSpider (00:22:22 ): That’s like the pot and the kettle.
kaosdevice (00:22:48 ): let’s find the crappiest most menacing bar on the side of the road and take a stop there!
GlassSpider (00:23:06 ): Oy! That loo is bleedin’ filthy! Terrifying.
kaosdevice (00:23:36 ): Ok so this woman is going to spend the whole damn movie talking about her dead sister…awesome
GlassSpider (00:23:55 ): Better make friends with that cockroach. May be eating it later.
kaosdevice (00:24:09 ): like a femur
GlassSpider (00:24:21 ): Zing!
kaosdevice (00:24:54 ): we Tasmania rednecks only speak in single words.
kaosdevice (00:25:27 ): and by odd I mean you lot.
kaosdevice (00:26:12 ): lots of bad dancing in Tasmania.
GlassSpider (00:26:21 ): Tell Janet they’re ready to show us more… folk dancing. Dammit.
GlassSpider (00:27:12 ): Good doggie. Dingos stole my baby!
GlassSpider (00:27:31 ): And my interest… huh? What?
kaosdevice (00:27:42 ): Yay boobs!
kaosdevice (00:27:49 ): Or not so much.
GlassSpider (00:28:03 ): Nudity, and it only took half an hour.
GlassSpider (00:28:18 ): Only booty. Sorry.
kaosdevice (00:28:34 ): I wouldn’t call that nudity, sort of lame-ity
GlassSpider (00:28:59 ): Well, maybe a square ass is better than none at all.
kaosdevice (00:29:06 ): will to live slowly slipping away.
GlassSpider (00:29:22 ): They keep talkin’ ’bout pie, and I’m gonna lose my patience.
kaosdevice (00:29:52 ): are they fighting or frakking?
kaosdevice (00:30:40 ): she heard someone watching them?
GlassSpider (00:30:59 ): How do we keep getting sex scenes without a single titty? Those things used to be staples in every single R-rated movie ever made.
GlassSpider (00:31:10 ): Listen… Do you smell something?
kaosdevice (00:31:34 ): I miss those naughty days.
GlassSpider (00:32:13 ): Even a buddy-cop flick had at least one gratuitous boob cam. Now, hell.
kaosdevice (00:32:23 ): I bet that would have been horrifying if you could have seen what the hell was going on.
GlassSpider (00:32:32 ): Let’s have some exploitation, dammit.
GlassSpider (00:32:49 ): Aaaaand, scene!
GlassSpider (00:33:23 ): Know what this movie needs? A laugh-track!
kaosdevice (00:33:40 ): Sweet now we get the Blair Stupid Project
GlassSpider (00:33:43 ): And maybe some Benny Hill music.
kaosdevice (00:34:20 ): If I’m bloody the first thing I do is wipe my face with it.
GlassSpider (00:35:34 ): Well, for Chrissakes, if you’re gonna imply incestuous animal mutant offspring, why can’t you smucking SHOW IT?!?
kaosdevice (00:36:31 ): They are going for Kiwi Deliverance now it seems.
GlassSpider (00:36:36 ): I’m about to weep from boredom. It’s actually making me kinda, um, homicidal.
GlassSpider (00:37:02 ): They gave us a hint when the fella started humming Dueling Banjoes
kaosdevice (00:37:25 ): yeah, the subtlety here is incredible.
GlassSpider (00:37:43 ): Like a brick to the face, yup.
kaosdevice (00:38:28 ): I’ve had strikes to the head with cinderblocks that were more entertaining.
GlassSpider (00:38:35 ): Yeah, never bring a weapon when you’re headed into the untamed wilds.
GlassSpider (00:38:46 ): It’s just gauche.
kaosdevice (00:39:01 ): token American
GlassSpider (00:39:26 ): I do believe this movie’s too prissy to say the work "dick."
GlassSpider (00:39:42 ): How ’bout "yank?"
GlassSpider (00:40:45 ): It would make a pretty setting for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon.
GlassSpider (00:41:18 ): How would you know if "nobody’s ever seen" these places before, girlie?
GlassSpider (00:42:06 ): This Jack guy’s about 13, emotionally and intellectually.
kaosdevice (00:42:18 ): really movie, you are not only going to steal ideas from other movies, you are going to suck at it and also THEN reference the movies you are swiping from?
GlassSpider (00:42:48 ): Better to "pay homage" than pay legal fees.
GlassSpider (00:43:09 ): Oooooh, moos-porn.
GlassSpider (00:43:20 ): *moss*
kaosdevice (00:43:33 ): This film is paying homage the way the Monkees did to the Beatles.
GlassSpider (00:43:48 ): By flinging feces?
kaosdevice (00:44:01 ): if only
GlassSpider (00:44:04 ): Oh, wait, that’s monkeys.
kaosdevice (00:44:53 ): I think this movie beat me up when I was in middle school and ran off when I was laying there bleeding.
GlassSpider (00:45:20 ): You grow up in Mick Dundee’s back forty, and act surprised when you meet a real-live caveman?
GlassSpider (00:45:25 ): Duck season!
GlassSpider (00:46:01 ): Rabbit season!
GlassSpider (00:46:13 ): Duckseason — FIRE!!
kaosdevice (00:46:31 ): Oh that was…"funny" on their part.
GlassSpider (00:46:35 ): Yay. Guts-humor.
GlassSpider (00:47:08 ): Is the siter a "wee bit psychic?"
GlassSpider (00:47:53 ): [ssnoooooore]
kaosdevice (00:48:08 ): They missed the part in film school where they tried to explain that being disconcerting is different from being pointless.
GlassSpider (00:48:42 ): Hey, a few more crosses on that wall, please. I didn’t quite get the point.
kaosdevice (00:49:07 ): they don’t want to loose their stinky child!!
GlassSpider (00:49:27 ): It’s the smell! The terrifying smell…!
GlassSpider (00:49:53 ): Like curried sweatsocks soaked in old orange juice?
GlassSpider (00:50:23 ): Tell us what the movie tastes like, next.
kaosdevice (00:51:00 ): why do bad movies always have the longest running times? Watching this makes a sucking chest wound sound like a short term problem.
GlassSpider (00:51:05 ): It’s a… "tiger." Like I’m a… "scientist."
GlassSpider (00:51:29 ): Oh, if only that were true.
GlassSpider (00:51:57 ): Heeere, plot-plot-plot…
kaosdevice (00:52:01 ): it’s a Tasmanian slightly large Labrador!
GlassSpider (00:52:46 ): Looks like a coyote humped a zebra. And all the recessive genes won out.
GlassSpider (00:52:59 ): *Flourish!*
GlassSpider (00:53:05 ): Still not scary.
kaosdevice (00:53:18 ): this movie needs to go on walkabout in search of a point.
GlassSpider (00:53:45 ): Bimbo, of the Nine Fingers… And the Dog of Doom….
kaosdevice (00:53:48 ): wow that was a scary as a head cold.
GlassSpider (00:54:27 ): At least no one will accuse the waif of over-acting.
kaosdevice (00:54:35 ): gross sound effects do not a terror scene make.
GlassSpider (00:55:02 ): The cannibal knows about "good parts," at least.
kaosdevice (00:55:14 ): is that kid the same one from our last beating?
GlassSpider (00:55:28 ): First the tongue and cheeks, then the nethers…
kaosdevice (00:55:54 ): now they are going to turn against one another!
GlassSpider (00:56:02 ): I’m the caveman! Show me!
kaosdevice (00:56:15 ): that is some good writing there cap’n
GlassSpider (00:56:22 ): Ooog! Oog-ugh!
kaosdevice (00:56:46 ): the movie is yelling for you there GS
GlassSpider (00:57:11 ): I thought they were yelling "Bear!" Who can tell?
GlassSpider (00:57:15 ): Or care?
GlassSpider (00:57:42 ): Don’t pet the feral child.
GlassSpider (00:58:14 ): Ooooh, if looks could wound.
kaosdevice (00:58:16 ): I feel like this movie is holding a gun to my head, and I wish it would pull the trigger
GlassSpider (00:58:33 ): Well, the actors are scared.
kaosdevice (00:58:34 ): Rebecker? One of the main cultural differences is every name ends with and ‘er’.
kaosdevice (00:58:56 ): Did she beck again?
GlassSpider (00:58:59 ): When the first Becker wasn’t enough…
kaosdevice (00:59:35 ): This flick loves its moist sound effects.
GlassSpider (00:59:52 ): Lord, not the toes! Foot fetishists are going to be so disturbed.
GlassSpider (01:00:26 ): And so they’re cannibals — What, they never heard of barbecue?
kaosdevice (01:00:35 ): What is with this Irish accent in all the kiwi?
GlassSpider (01:00:50 ): Throw another pimp on the barbie? anyone?
GlassSpider (01:01:21 ): I mean, why do they always eat ’em raw?
kaosdevice (01:01:54 ): he used to play in the miners (not minors!)
GlassSpider (01:02:07 ): Well let’s hope.
GlassSpider (01:02:40 ): Notice: "man"-trap. Not "bear"-trap.
kaosdevice (01:02:45 ): hopefully he’ll bring them out of the other side of this movie. In a very short amount of time.
GlassSpider (01:02:53 ): Oh, I got the vapors!
GlassSpider (01:03:10 ): Don’t hold your breath.
kaosdevice (01:03:32 ): I want that hacksaw from the last movie.
GlassSpider (01:04:30 ): Yeah. And the pliers.
GlassSpider (01:06:10 ): Seriously, loud sound-edits and pointy teeth are not the same as interesting content.
GlassSpider (01:06:30 ): Bleeding gums are scary, but only in the mirror.
kaosdevice (01:06:33 ): movie you are killing me, and not in the fun joking way.
GlassSpider (01:07:32 ): This film has no balls.
GlassSpider (01:07:43 ): It is a eunuch.
kaosdevice (01:08:09 ): Oinedja hair? Huh? What language was that?
kaosdevice (01:08:33 ): He can walk! He is a big boy!
GlassSpider (01:08:56 ): It’s loik cultchah, mate!
GlassSpider (01:09:39 ): oh, beer… you never let me down.
GlassSpider (01:09:56 ): Not like this dorky schlock-fest.
kaosdevice (01:10:03 ): “Because it is reck smal ma skiddly do.” *translated from the faux-English
GlassSpider (01:11:12 ): Those are wool-shears. They should not have blood on them. Nor should my ears, but oh well.
kaosdevice (01:11:42 ): This movie ate its own young in order to survive.
GlassSpider (01:11:51 ): Hmm, what’s in the steaming kettle? More plot?
GlassSpider (01:12:23 ): It survived? I thought it died an hour ago.
kaosdevice (01:12:45 ): It’s a lot of boiled kiwi fruit and the dying desire for me to want to live.
GlassSpider (01:13:33 ): Finally some rude flesh, and it’s on a butchered torso. Cheap, movie… really cheap.
kaosdevice (01:13:39 ): A huge change in volume does not equal scary at all ever.
GlassSpider (01:14:16 ): Old man was right, sort of… it’s an Ape-man-trap.
GlassSpider (01:14:28 ): *gurgle*
kaosdevice (01:15:10 ): they must have spent a lot of cash on that latex cast of the nude chick, they keep using it so much.
kaosdevice (01:16:13 ): The New Zealand Lameass Massacre!
GlassSpider (01:16:33 ): Golly, we’re so enthralled, we’re arguing over playback quality.
GlassSpider (01:18:37 ): Oh, yeah. Take us back into the dark so we can’t see how you ran out of movie half an hour ago.
kaosdevice (01:18:43 ): The only way this movie could put me to sleep more is if it was a comfy bed.
GlassSpider (01:19:32 ): Like Blair Witch, only without the great camera-work.
kaosdevice (01:19:48 ): because when you are running there is always a rock to fall on.
GlassSpider (01:20:12 ): Give us Wrong Turn. Give us Jeppers Creepers.
GlassSpider (01:20:51 ): Give us Cabin Fever or Space Chimps.
kaosdevice (01:22:20 ): I wish I was her with the jumping
GlassSpider (01:22:24 ): Or the sweet release of death.
GlassSpider (01:23:17 ): Aaaand, anti-climax.
kaosdevice (01:23:42 ): blurry doesn’t equal ‘artsy’. At least it is almost over. Ok I need to drop the equals running gag, I’m getting as lame as this movie.
GlassSpider (01:23:45 ): This flick should have jumped off that bridge.
GlassSpider (01:24:45 ): Everyone’s offing themselves except the guilty one — Talkin’ ’bout you, movie.
GlassSpider (01:25:28 ): If your movie needs an epilogue, it probably didn’t work.
kaosdevice (01:25:55 ): uncle lead (<—KD actually falls asleep here.)
GlassSpider (01:26:37 ): My pathway heaps lost the ability taw type.
GlassSpider (01:26:57 ): Thinking’ he’s gone daft.
GlassSpider (01:27:39 ): A hale and hearty WTF is in order.
GlassSpider (01:27:57 ): Except that I don’t care any more.
GlassSpider (01:28:35 ): Oh, now it’s time for backwoods man-rape. I get it.
GlassSpider (01:29:13 ): So it’s all been a statement against inbreeding?
GlassSpider (01:29:52 ): It’s The Mute, the Dumb and the Stupid!
GlassSpider (01:30:23 ): They must have paid these actors by the word.
GlassSpider (01:30:49 ): And, more reading.
GlassSpider (01:31:03 ): Gosh. I’m moved.
GlassSpider (01:31:26 ): And KD’s snoring. Literally. Man down! Man down!
GlassSpider (01:31:40 ): OMG, there’s MORE?!?!?
GlassSpider (01:32:05 ): IT’S OVER! Sort of!
GlassSpider (01:32:32 ): Not recommended for anyone, but special warning to epileptics.
kaosdevice (01:32:32 ): It was the dullest thing ever
GlassSpider (01:34:15 ): Wow. A feast of suck. Followed by dreadfully boring, a la mode.
GlassSpider (01:36:07 ): Damn. A la mode makes me want pie again.[img]

We are going to try and get some hooch in us to ease the anguish this film will cause. Then its going to be some red beans & rice and honey hot sauce chicken to try and burn the terror of this movie out of our souls. Eyes on the blog later and you will be able to read our tale of agony. Coming up…’Dying Breed’.

The next film for the CinemaDestructo team is a horrible looking flick called ‘Dying Breed’ featuring, apparently, cannibals and tasmanian tigers. Or perhaps cannibalistic tasmanian tigers. We aren’t entirely sure. Either way we will probably be carried away from this movie on stretchers to die a slow death while attached to various life support devices. But hey, at least you won’t have to watch this film.

Look for us Sunday night and if you want in on the action (and nobody in their right mind really should, we do this because we have some deep seated issues. so it’s this or razor cuts to the forearms) leave a message here and we will let you know the specifics.