[ Mood: Angry ]
we have a new misadventure planned, keep your eyes peeled.
[ Mood: Angry ]
[ Mood: Angry ]
we have a new misadventure planned, keep your eyes peeled.
[ Mood: Scared ]
We are back babies!
Our next (mis)adventure is ‘The Crypt’. We’ve got it set up and ready for our pain.
CinemaDestructo, we’re here to protect you.
[ Mood: Sick ]
Tonight’s Pain – Platoon of the Dead (2009).
kaosdevice (00:00:07 PM): Yes, it is 2009’s ‘Platoon of the Dead’ by John Bowker! Nope we got no idea who he is either! But you might know him from several other awful films such as the Evilmaker (1 and 2) and Twisted Illusions 2. Yeah we never saw those movies either. Anyway here…we…go…
Glass Spider (00:00:10 PM): With your hosts, Chicken and Tater. No, wait that’s dinner…
Glass Spider (00:00:37 PM): And again, we begin by reeeeaading.
kaosdevice (00:00:37 PM): the threat of a suck movie….
kaosdevice (00:00:58 PM): faux military music is a go sir!
Glass Spider (00:01:13 PM): Good thing we’re literate. Or maybe not so good… We’ll see.
kaosdevice (00:01:30 PM): oh lord, asthma cam again.
kaosdevice (00:01:50 PM): shot in SpazOVision!
Glass Spider (00:02:36 PM): I repeat what I said when I saw the trailer — This makes Canadian TV look like Oscar-worthy cinematography.
kaosdevice (00:02:42 PM): He suffers from treelimbthroughthechestovitus.
Glass Spider (00:03:10 PM): Oh, teeeeeeerrible effects.
Glass Spider (00:03:18 PM): Okay, that wasn’t unfunny.
Glass Spider (00:03:51 PM): I’ve seen better fake unicorn horns.
kaosdevice (00:03:56 PM): oh man this one is really going to leave a mark…on us.
kaosdevice (00:04:33 PM): he’s got a laser gun? This is laser tag gone all wrong.
Glass Spider (00:04:34 PM): Score straight out of old Twilight Zone episodes.
kaosdevice (00:05:06 PM): So this is in the slightly stupid future?
Glass Spider (00:05:17 PM): Upnose-cam in 3… 2… 1…
kaosdevice (00:05:22 PM): Wait, very stupid future.
Glass Spider (00:05:55 PM): Seriously, are old TV scores public domain, now?
Glass Spider (00:06:22 PM): This is so lame its hypnotic.
kaosdevice (00:06:29 PM): this movie is a concussion weapon.
kaosdevice (00:06:54 PM): so the platoon is Aerosmith?
Glass Spider (00:07:40 PM): I’m without words for how lame this is.
kaosdevice (00:07:57 PM): this guy is all about the ‘or worse’ scenario.
Glass Spider (00:08:07 PM): These actors were kicked out of community theatre.
kaosdevice (00:08:29 PM): This dialogue is porn movie-worthy
kaosdevice (00:08:52 PM): "have you seen my…big gun?"
Glass Spider (00:09:12 PM): These actors are waaaayyy to good for porn.
Glass Spider (00:09:55 PM): So, he’s holding his laser carbine like it’s a long rifle — where’d this guy train, the Salvation Army?
kaosdevice (00:10:14 PM): I don’t know if I can make it through this movie Sarge!
Glass Spider (00:10:40 PM): We don’t leave a man behind!
kaosdevice (00:10:50 PM): Someone was eating a large bowl of cornflakes.
kaosdevice (00:11:13 PM): ominous fiiiiiiiiish!
kaosdevice (00:11:44 PM): ok, drink when someone says something obvious to the viewer.
Glass Spider (00:11:59 PM): This is deadly — the music is like every Zone ep I’ve ever seen, but the movie couldn’t scare Cindy Brady!
kaosdevice (00:12:41 PM): it is like the soundtrack is a character.
Glass Spider (00:13:05 PM): And it’s a better actor.
kaosdevice (00:13:13 PM): true, true
Glass Spider (00:13:23 PM): Product placement!
kaosdevice (00:13:32 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:14:07 PM): I can’t answer you, can’t you see I’m listening to my beret?
kaosdevice (00:14:39 PM): leveled to the ground, isn’t leveled enough?
Glass Spider (00:15:08 PM): Wow, beret-Guy wouldn’t even cut his hair for this role — it’s poking out from under his beanie!
kaosdevice (00:15:13 PM): She? Ma’am? That is so a dude in a wig
Glass Spider (00:15:39 PM): The zombies are pretty.
kaosdevice (00:15:41 PM): pew pew pew pew
kaosdevice (00:16:08 PM): they couldn’t afford fake ammo for this film. Nice.
Glass Spider (00:16:41 PM): So they decided not to even waste money on squibs.
kaosdevice (00:17:01 PM): well, they could edit in..pew pew pew pew
Glass Spider (00:17:14 PM): It’s like G.I. Joe made a zombie home movie.
kaosdevice (00:17:49 PM): Nice pornstache
Glass Spider (00:18:07 PM): "Disarray." It pays to increase your word power.
Glass Spider (00:18:18 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:18:21 PM): This is a rerun of the Z Team.
Glass Spider (00:18:21 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:19:17 PM): ‘sir’ looks like a goth girl with a pornstache.
kaosdevice (00:20:12 PM): Valley of the Drabs
Glass Spider (00:20:38 PM): Dang, lookit the mane on that guy.
Glass Spider (00:20:55 PM): Oh, so they’re lesbians.
Glass Spider (00:21:00 PM): Of course.
kaosdevice (00:21:39 PM): The SciFi (excuse me SyFy) channel would refuse this movie.
Glass Spider (00:22:01 PM): Three boys, three girls — did someone say "Spin the Bottle"?
kaosdevice (00:22:17 PM): and we have cleavage!
Glass Spider (00:22:24 PM): Jill’s the chatty one.
Glass Spider (00:23:17 PM): Okay, "Heather"’s rack is waaayyy too freckly to have hair that black.
Glass Spider (00:23:44 PM): She’s like a homely Jennifer Tilly.
kaosdevice (00:23:51 PM): Sgt. Gothgirl can I talk to you?
Glass Spider (00:24:38 PM): Before the war he was Major Grungepants.
kaosdevice (00:24:54 PM): Except, I don’t like women Cptn Pornstache!
Glass Spider (00:24:57 PM): But it was an honorific title.
kaosdevice (00:25:12 PM): He does!
Glass Spider (00:25:28 PM): Cannibal pot roast!
kaosdevice (00:25:35 PM): And they have eyeliner I need!
Glass Spider (00:26:06 PM): Till you see the whites of their eyes! Damn!
kaosdevice (00:26:13 PM): The signal is chimmichanga.
Glass Spider (00:26:17 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:26:35 PM): because you are filthy
Glass Spider (00:26:48 PM): Stocky Jennifer Tilly is bossy.
kaosdevice (00:26:57 PM): or I will give you some of the pew pew
Glass Spider (00:27:08 PM): It’s a magic shower curtain!!!
kaosdevice (00:27:37 PM): wow, could they telegraph that trapdoor in the floor more?
Glass Spider (00:27:56 PM): Nothing up my sleeve, and… Presto!
Glass Spider (00:28:54 PM): Headless housebreaker is spooky. Don’t make a sound!
kaosdevice (00:29:00 PM): evidentially they found a house from the late 1970’s to hide in.
Glass Spider (00:29:35 PM): These Army dudes have incredibly clean fatigues.
Glass Spider (00:29:57 PM): Ladies and gentlemen, miss Elsa Lanchester!
Glass Spider (00:30:22 PM): I wish he’d put the beret back on.
kaosdevice (00:30:47 PM): I want to push this movie down a flight of concrete stairs.
Glass Spider (00:31:12 PM): No wonder it didn’t drop him, you used the cap pistol!
Glass Spider (00:31:22 PM): Pew-pew-pew!
Glass Spider (00:31:51 PM): Sell it, lady-hater!
kaosdevice (00:32:15 PM): If stilted dialogue was a drug this movie would sell it by the gram.
Glass Spider (00:32:24 PM): He’s playing Army Man! And later he’s gonna be a cowboy!
kaosdevice (00:32:51 PM): then an astronaut-fireman!
Glass Spider (00:33:09 PM): Did they call the prop department for all those dry leaves?
kaosdevice (00:33:34 PM): but it is delicious!
Glass Spider (00:33:43 PM): Say your thanks to Peter Jackson for that one.
Glass Spider (00:34:04 PM): Suuuuuuuu…..
kaosdevice (00:34:13 PM): are you sure I should leave my pew-Pew-atron 5000?
Glass Spider (00:34:15 PM): …..speeeennnse.
Glass Spider (00:34:57 PM): Aw, shucks, ma’am.
kaosdevice (00:35:01 PM): gonna take a wee, will probobly be more interesting that the current scene.
Glass Spider (00:35:17 PM): Oooo, scary tree.
Glass Spider (00:35:40 PM): Pewaaaaahhhhhmmmm. The sound of a laser carbine dying.
Glass Spider (00:36:23 PM): Wow, this guy even talks to himself in really bad dialogue.
kaosdevice (00:36:26 PM): I feel the same way
kaosdevice (00:36:43 PM): or made you watch this movie.
Glass Spider (00:36:53 PM): Drink!
Glass Spider (00:37:20 PM): Lotta pukin’ in this movie.
kaosdevice (00:37:29 PM): made you watch a RBM, what’s an RBM? Really Bad Movie…like this one.
Glass Spider (00:37:38 PM): Hope they have Scope in the future.
kaosdevice (00:38:07 PM): it’s raaaaiiiinnng laaaameee!
Glass Spider (00:38:08 PM): And, cue the hose.
Glass Spider (00:38:11 PM): Drink!
Glass Spider (00:38:46 PM): "We humans will never win?"
Glass Spider (00:38:52 PM): Wow.
Glass Spider (00:39:12 PM): More puking?
kaosdevice (00:39:30 PM): a lot of puking in the last few CD outings.
Glass Spider (00:39:34 PM): Turn off the hose!
kaosdevice (00:39:57 PM): less pew-pew
Glass Spider (00:40:37 PM): Lt Heroic Jaw is the worst actor I’ve ever seen.
kaosdevice (00:40:53 PM): YUP
Glass Spider (00:41:04 PM): I take it back, *she’s* worse.
Glass Spider (00:41:18 PM): "If you know what I mean…"
kaosdevice (00:41:43 PM): the lameness is sucking out MY will to live.
Glass Spider (00:42:01 PM): Polite of that corpse to keep its feet together while being dragged.
kaosdevice (00:42:14 PM): it is Dexter for the low rent set.
Glass Spider (00:42:21 PM): Fire up the SKIL saw!
Glass Spider (00:42:33 PM): It’s BatChest!
kaosdevice (00:42:44 PM): foooor the ladies
Glass Spider (00:43:20 PM): Call the Commissioner; tell him to activate the Chest Hair Signal!
kaosdevice (00:43:31 PM): aw a clumsy attempt at romantic interest.
kaosdevice (00:43:54 PM): and the middle, he is kind of rough and sucky everywhere really
Glass Spider (00:44:09 PM): And easy to tell who’s the catcher, and who’s the pitcher.
kaosdevice (00:44:48 PM): its always ouija boards for kicks. Imagine if someone used it for serious!
Glass Spider (00:44:56 PM): "Kids playing around with the supernatural"? Really.
Glass Spider (00:45:01 PM): Really, Movie?
kaosdevice (00:45:30 PM): hey, it is a lame Evil Dead flashback.
Glass Spider (00:45:35 PM): He likes ’em large.
Glass Spider (00:45:58 PM): "NNnnoooooOOOO!"
Glass Spider (00:46:40 PM): We need our mute friend to get laid by a nice dumb boy.
kaosdevice (00:47:07 PM): I can’t, I can’t hold on much longer Spidey.
Glass Spider (00:47:14 PM): Wow, this sucks right out loud.
Glass Spider (00:47:32 PM): I think I want chicken.
kaosdevice (00:47:40 PM): I can see some skulls I’d like to crack.
Glass Spider (00:47:51 PM): OMFG — this couldn’t be worse.
Glass Spider (00:49:01 PM): "Here I am covered in zombie goop, and you’re lookin’ kinda horny… Wanna get it on?
Glass Spider (00:49:05 PM): "
kaosdevice (00:49:19 PM): d e a r g o d m a k e t h i s t o p
Glass Spider (00:49:55 PM): I can’t. I just observe and report.
Glass Spider (00:50:22 PM): Mmmmm, Gummi-intestines! Kids love ’em.
kaosdevice (00:50:26 PM): how can someone loook sort of bored as their guts are ripped out?
Glass Spider (00:50:49 PM): Oooo, I git the sphincter!
Glass Spider (00:50:53 PM): Awww, lucky!
Glass Spider (00:51:50 PM): Come on, Mute-girl! Kick him in the balls!
Glass Spider (00:52:19 PM): Internal struggle. The lifeblood of any lock-in movie.
Glass Spider (00:52:58 PM): Unfortunately, this one has no heartbeat. It’s a zombie zombie movie.
Glass Spider (00:53:25 PM): That guy is a problem and should be eliminated.
Glass Spider (00:54:26 PM): Dude, I can’t cover this alone.
Glass Spider (00:54:34 PM): Iiiiiit huuuurtssss!
kaosdevice (00:55:13 PM): sorry, was whomping up the food. I was weak.
Glass Spider (00:55:38 PM): Seriously, I’ve seen Dead Alive, and Bad Taste, and Meet the Feebles. This is worserer.
kaosdevice (00:56:10 PM): what?
Glass Spider (00:56:21 PM): Hey, maybe the zombie plague was started by a Sumatran Rat Monkey.
kaosdevice (00:56:55 PM): this has gone from stupid to lost in the woods of completely metally debilitated.
Glass Spider (00:57:16 PM): Okay, now we’ve progressed to 90’s Outer Limits music.
Glass Spider (00:57:30 PM): The dirctor must have had a CD.
kaosdevice (00:57:32 PM): and special effects!
kaosdevice (00:57:46 PM): and filmmaking!
Glass Spider (00:58:10 PM): Awww, he’s having a bad dream. Quick, check his penis.
Glass Spider (00:58:37 PM): At least all these girls have really big boobs.
kaosdevice (00:58:55 PM): yeah, they recruited some good strippers
Glass Spider (00:59:45 PM): They’ve just crossed over into… the Dumbshit Zone.
Glass Spider (01:00:45 PM): Do we have to watch the whole thing?
kaosdevice (01:00:48 PM): couldn’t get her out in time to get out of this movie.
kaosdevice (01:01:33 PM): Oh it is BSG?
Glass Spider (01:01:33 PM): She’s a Cylon?
kaosdevice (01:02:41 PM): How much longer is this monstrosity? Seriously?
Glass Spider (01:02:45 PM): Give this one to Patton Oswalt; it can’t be as bad as Death Bed: the Bed That Eats People.
Glass Spider (01:03:24 PM): Can we do another 20 minutes of this sewage?
Glass Spider (01:03:48 PM): Jaw boy sure talks to himself an awful lot.
Glass Spider (01:04:37 PM): Mmmm, corpses made of chicken skin and butterscotch pudding.
kaosdevice (01:04:56 PM): Ugh, can we just call one and move on? Does that break our covenant with the people?
Glass Spider (01:05:03 PM): Oh, they started the CD over.
Glass Spider (01:05:27 PM): I dunno. It’s reeeally bad.
Glass Spider (01:05:56 PM): It’s Darth Douchebag! Ruuuunnn!
kaosdevice (01:06:04 PM): are we seeing every lunkhead stereotype and cliché phrase at one time?
Glass Spider (01:06:59 PM): Uuugh. This is so terrible.
kaosdevice (01:07:06 PM): no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
Glass Spider (01:07:36 PM): Yes, we want you all awake for the big reveal.
kaosdevice (01:07:43 PM): I hate to say it but I am white flagging it, this movie won.
kaosdevice (01:08:01 PM): let’s kill this thing please?
Glass Spider (01:08:11 PM): That’s it? Just walk away? After all we’ve been through together?
Glass Spider (01:08:31 PM): Are you getting to old for this shit?
kaosdevice (01:08:52 PM): I need a beer.
Glass Spider (01:09:01 PM): **too
Glass Spider (01:09:15 PM): MORE puking?
Glass Spider (01:10:11 PM): It’s not scary enough to be scary, not gross enough to be gross, no nudity, no effects.
Glass Spider (01:10:21 PM): It’s shite inside and out.
kaosdevice (01:10:47 PM): I’ve seen a few worse movies, but the emphasis is on few.
Glass Spider (01:11:05 PM): I’m having a hard time thinking of any.
kaosdevice (01:11:06 PM): You tell ’em Sgt Gothchick!
Glass Spider (01:11:35 PM): That was quick.
kaosdevice (01:12:07 PM): Show him some karosyrup bratwurst!
kaosdevice (01:12:33 PM): she runs like a girl.
Glass Spider (01:12:44 PM): Pluck out his eye, then make him your supersoldier? Way to plan ahead.
Glass Spider (01:13:16 PM): Gas masks must be cheaper than zombie goop.
kaosdevice (01:13:25 PM): they can’t pay for blanks, judging by the area there are gun shows there all the time. The pew-pew is getting old.
kaosdevice (01:13:59 PM): Dear Movie, Please, Please die. Sincerely, Me.
Glass Spider (01:14:34 PM): So they’re immune to bullets, but a good ole tree branch gives ’em what-for?
Glass Spider (01:14:44 PM): That’s it. I give.
Glass Spider (01:14:49 PM): Uncle.
kaosdevice (01:14:54 PM): He just walked through a door in the original Doom game judging by that sound effect.
kaosdevice (01:15:13 PM): NNNNNoooooooooooooo!!!!
kaosdevice (01:15:19 PM): Pew pew pew pew pew
Glass Spider (01:15:28 PM): This guy saw Predator too many times.
kaosdevice (01:15:51 PM): get to de bettah moofeee!!!!
Glass Spider (01:15:52 PM): I don’t care what happens to any of these people.
Glass Spider (01:16:45 PM): Yay, red-puking. That’s new.
Glass Spider (01:17:51 PM): I can’t do it. Five minutes left, and I can’t.
kaosdevice (01:18:00 PM): would you please just end movie? I tried to give up already.
Glass Spider (01:18:28 PM): It takes no surrender.
Glass Spider (01:18:50 PM): And it’s the wrong gun.
Glass Spider (01:19:04 PM): And the wrong movie.
kaosdevice (01:19:21 PM): BLEH
Glass Spider (01:20:22 PM): I can’t believe anyone admitted to being involved with this piece of dreck.
kaosdevice (01:20:32 PM): I will find this movie in a dark alley some night and poke its’ eyes out with a filthy needle for having made me watch it.
[ Mood: Sick ]
If you are thinking about watching the mini series ‘Impact’. Don’t, seriously.
It sucks so much we can’t even analyze it. Watch CSPAN, it is more entertaining.
In other news, we are still trying to gather the courage to face ‘Platoon of the Dead’.
[ Mood: Sick ]
We’ve settled on the next film to protect you from. It is Platoon of the Dead. Predictions point to balls in a shopvac level pain.As always we will post the viewing time if you want to be so foolish as to join us in this exercise of self-cinematic-flagellation. And as always, we advise you don’t.
[ Mood: Scared ]
Your (un)civil servants at CinemaDestructo are looking at prospective movies to protect you from. We have a few terrible prospects. We are afraid, cold and alone, but we are going to go in anyway…and we are doing all this for you.
[ Mood: Angry ]
Tonight we barely made it through GNAW (2009)
The queasiness is wearing off.
kaosdevice (00:01:08 PM): Tonight’s piece of pain is 2009’s GNAW
Glass Spider (00:01:18 PM): Here we go — more reading.
Glass Spider (00:01:54 PM): Starting to not care at 2 minutes in…
kaosdevice (00:02:08 PM): ah, she’s wearing her running slip.
Glass Spider (00:02:18 PM): This is your brain on cordwood.
kaosdevice (00:02:45 PM): I’ll get away by following this clearly demarcated path!
Glass Spider (00:03:14 PM): When yer get-up-n-go has got up -n- went…
kaosdevice (00:03:28 PM): Does this guy have COPD or something? He needs an inhaler.
Glass Spider (00:03:44 PM): …she’ll hanker for a hunk-a — ewwww. Pitchfork.
kaosdevice (00:04:20 PM): Now brought to you with PantyVision(tm)!
Glass Spider (00:04:22 PM): Man, I’m starting to feel sorry for bumpkins.
kaosdevice (00:05:01 PM): This film likes its repetitive piano bangin’.
Glass Spider (00:05:02 PM): They’re always torture-obsessed, cannibal hermaphrodites with bad teeth in these movies.
Glass Spider (00:05:43 PM): Least he knows how to get at the good parts!
kaosdevice (00:05:58 PM): I don’t think he is sticking very close to health codes there.
Glass Spider (00:06:00 PM): Don’t let that liver get away!
Glass Spider (00:06:14 PM): Why won’t he "liver" alone?
Glass Spider (00:07:01 PM): Scored by the Amazing One-Fingered Piano Virtuoso!
kaosdevice (00:07:03 PM): GNAW…now brought to you with 100% more misogyny!
kaosdevice (00:08:00 PM): This series of boring articles will fill you in on the back-story a retarded chipmunk could figure out.
Glass Spider (00:08:06 PM): Wake me when it gets exciting. Zzzzzz…
Glass Spider (00:08:33 PM): Mmmm — SPAM!
kaosdevice (00:08:42 PM): Remember that part of the movie where something happened? Nah, me neither.
kaosdevice (00:09:11 PM): Hi, welcome to the vaguely passive aggressive diner!
Glass Spider (00:09:14 PM): Thought U.K. was all mayo and vinegar.
Glass Spider (00:09:42 PM): Yay! Food poisoning.
kaosdevice (00:09:49 PM): She just realized what movie she was in.
Glass Spider (00:10:32 PM): Drink every time you see bad teeth? No way, too easy.
kaosdevice (00:10:35 PM): cue lame music and GO!
kaosdevice (00:10:55 PM): HEY!
Glass Spider (00:11:10 PM): Whoo! Road trip!
kaosdevice (00:11:15 PM): I’d say drink when nothing happens, but we would wind up in the ER
Glass Spider (00:11:26 PM): Why does all Brit pop sound like the Beatles?
Glass Spider (00:11:42 PM): Holy blood-bag, Batman!
kaosdevice (00:11:52 PM): I think you might have hit a part of the plot!
Glass Spider (00:12:13 PM): Eww. She’s butch.
kaosdevice (00:12:22 PM): That cat died faster than my interest in this movie.
Glass Spider (00:12:29 PM): Do trucks have a "boot"?
Glass Spider (00:12:38 PM): Not the cats again.
kaosdevice (00:12:46 PM): I’m waiting for pigs.
Glass Spider (00:13:06 PM): I could make some really cheap jokes.
Glass Spider (00:13:28 PM): Tip number one:
kaosdevice (00:13:30 PM): The cell phones won’t work from this movie, I mean house.
Glass Spider (00:13:51 PM): Never go on vacay where there’s no cell reception without a shotgun.
kaosdevice (00:14:17 PM): They haven’t built cell infrastructure in cannibalville.
Glass Spider (00:14:34 PM): Oh, cliché train pulling in on Track 4.
Glass Spider (00:15:25 PM): Those jewelry boxes always creeped me out.
kaosdevice (00:15:26 PM): Hey puking goth chick! (that was one of my favorite songs as a child.)
kaosdevice (00:15:40 PM): Pervy cam.
Glass Spider (00:15:52 PM): Side boob!
kaosdevice (00:16:10 PM): Is this guy filled with steam?
kaosdevice (00:16:20 PM): He’s a Victorian era cannibal?
Glass Spider (00:16:27 PM): He gonna punish the pope while he’s peepin’? That’s gross.
Glass Spider (00:16:48 PM): Steampunk peeper!
Glass Spider (00:17:14 PM): I guess we’ve identified the prude on this trip.
kaosdevice (00:17:37 PM): I’ve seen golf tourneys more sexy than this part of the movie.
Glass Spider (00:17:57 PM): And scarier.
kaosdevice (00:18:36 PM): ah generic scary noise in the background how can we ever get tired of you?
Glass Spider (00:18:36 PM): Petty thief, peeper, candlestick maker…
Glass Spider (00:18:53 PM): That dinner is scaring me a little.
Glass Spider (00:19:28 PM): It seems this is a movie of food horror.
kaosdevice (00:19:29 PM): lotta puking and gagging in this flick. It is like an anti-bulimia film.
Glass Spider (00:19:56 PM): They need to quit — I get to drinking and gagging is gonna set me off.
kaosdevice (00:20:01 PM): I guess Chutes and Ladders was too complicated for this lot.
Glass Spider (00:20:32 PM): What’s this bitch’s deal?
Glass Spider (00:20:40 PM): I say she’s first to die.
kaosdevice (00:20:53 PM): I want them all to die really.
Glass Spider (00:21:05 PM): Yeeeaaahh.
kaosdevice (00:21:37 PM): Is this frakking Scream 1 alla sudden?
Glass Spider (00:21:42 PM): People who barely tolerate each other shouldn’t go off the grid and drink too much wine.
Glass Spider (00:22:44 PM): This movie is brought to you by the silent ‘T’ and the number of the beast.
kaosdevice (00:23:12 PM): I’ve seen periodic tables that were less formulaic than this.
Glass Spider (00:23:52 PM): Summat wroit on the winder in shite?
Glass Spider (00:23:55 PM): WTF?
Glass Spider (00:24:47 PM): Should’ve gone with the teeth thing — we’d both be drunk now and it wouldn’t matter.
kaosdevice (00:24:58 PM): Hey there pointless soon to be dead side character!
Glass Spider (00:25:26 PM): Not her, man, she makes the menu, remember?
kaosdevice (00:25:33 PM): drink for every lame faux sex scene (or related)
Glass Spider (00:25:43 PM): Cool.
kaosdevice (00:26:31 PM): bore my ass off tiny dancer.
Glass Spider (00:26:35 PM): Blood’s gonna look great on that duvet.
kaosdevice (00:27:05 PM): man loves his fried spam.
Glass Spider (00:27:24 PM): Bet it’s loooong poooork, mate.
Glass Spider (00:27:39 PM): Mmmm, tub-o-urine!
kaosdevice (00:27:48 PM): that is the wheezy version of nightvision the British military uses.
Glass Spider (00:28:19 PM): What. A. Pussy.
kaosdevice (00:28:30 PM): Who is that, the Brit Andrew Zimmern?
Glass Spider (00:28:50 PM): Could be — he’s a total wuss.
kaosdevice (00:28:59 PM): and by out of your league I mean you don’t puke enough for her.
Glass Spider (00:29:07 PM): Is it a siren?
Glass Spider (00:29:31 PM): And then eat them.
kaosdevice (00:29:57 PM): yeah, that first person flash light camera thing isn’t COMPLETELY overused or anything…
Glass Spider (00:30:14 PM): Generic night soundtrack #3, and… Go.
Glass Spider (00:30:36 PM): Her legs ain’t broke!
kaosdevice (00:30:47 PM): Oh hell, I was hoping he would wander across something that would make me care about anything in this movie.
Glass Spider (00:31:13 PM): Chocolates?
Glass Spider (00:31:20 PM): Nooo, EPT.
kaosdevice (00:31:37 PM): Like we didn’t see that a light year away.
kaosdevice (00:32:00 PM): To bad it wasn’t an Early Plot Test.
Glass Spider (00:32:03 PM): Ohhh, so boring. Lot’s of birds out here.
kaosdevice (00:32:13 PM): It’s a Trap!
kaosdevice (00:32:42 PM): Yeah I’ll take my meat with a side of meat and some meat.
Glass Spider (00:33:07 PM): Get me a sticker! Meeeat!
kaosdevice (00:33:29 PM): Evidentially she feels every sentence should contain the word ‘dear’.
Glass Spider (00:33:34 PM): What’s with all the organ meat, anyway? No roasts?
Glass Spider (00:33:53 PM): That’s how you know she’s harmless, dear.
kaosdevice (00:34:06 PM): Why dear, it is liver, with a side of kidney, some brain and chunks of ass fat. Over beans.
Glass Spider (00:34:35 PM): Go, Puker, go!
kaosdevice (00:34:36 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:34:59 PM): *rimshot*
kaosdevice (00:35:12 PM): steeeeeaaaaammmmmm…..
Glass Spider (00:35:46 PM): The layers of boring are obscuring the layers of tension in this movie.
kaosdevice (00:36:01 PM): I think I got some boring in my eye.
Glass Spider (00:36:09 PM): Wow, she’s obedient.
kaosdevice (00:36:29 PM): He’s getting a blanket for his bum from the boot!
kaosdevice (00:36:44 PM): drink
Glass Spider (00:36:46 PM): Unwashed steampunk killer at large!
kaosdevice (00:37:32 PM): hisssss…..gasssssp….hissss….gasp….they are being stalked by a guy in an iron lung.
kaosdevice (00:38:30 PM): look at all this menacing stinky stuff! I better comb through it for no damn reason!
Glass Spider (00:39:04 PM): I know it’s totally lame, but I would explore the dark tool shed full of rusty cutting implements. It’s just who I am.
Glass Spider (00:39:48 PM): All these guys are weak, and the girls are all gaggers.
kaosdevice (00:39:53 PM): Hannah! Follow the sound of my ratty moustache!
Glass Spider (00:39:59 PM): I don’t want any of them to make it.
kaosdevice (00:40:15 PM): She’s having a heavy flow month.
Glass Spider (00:40:24 PM): I Pant on Your Grave.
Glass Spider (00:40:44 PM): Chew it off! It’s the only way!
kaosdevice (00:40:52 PM): What is that mask? Is he a young leprous Santa?
Glass Spider (00:41:01 PM): Aww, Curly bit it.
kaosdevice (00:41:24 PM): This movie makes me wish I had stock in the British karo syrup industry.
Glass Spider (00:41:31 PM): It looks like the Swamp Thing in a duster.
kaosdevice (00:42:08 PM): He’s worthless and weak.
Glass Spider (00:42:15 PM): Douchebag gets it next.
kaosdevice (00:42:36 PM): Ed is too busy being delicious.
Glass Spider (00:42:40 PM): No, no he won’t, because that would make us happy.
Glass Spider (00:43:34 PM): The ‘mouth-breather’ jokes are just too easy.
kaosdevice (00:43:44 PM): not even gratuitous bloody boobs saves this one.
kaosdevice (00:44:23 PM): He was REALLY going to reach in a boiling pot of soup? Was he dropped on his head?
Glass Spider (00:44:23 PM): And by bloody he means reeeeaally bloody, not the Brit slang bloody.
Glass Spider (00:45:16 PM): These people obviously never ate at my gramma’s house.
Glass Spider (00:45:23 PM): Now that was scary.
kaosdevice (00:45:32 PM): Where is the tapioca?
Glass Spider (00:45:51 PM): Needle in the stuffing.
Glass Spider (00:46:00 PM): Band-aid in the gravy.
Glass Spider (00:46:13 PM): Cocktail ring in the spaghetti.
kaosdevice (00:46:24 PM): She’s having a baby jack? Is that like magic jack?
kaosdevice (00:46:31 PM): Wifi via baby?
Glass Spider (00:46:32 PM): Don’t even ask about the meatloaf.
Glass Spider (00:46:54 PM): Awww, ten fingers, ten toes, serial ports…
kaosdevice (00:47:11 PM): The intense emotion of this scene is complemented by the gasping of the villain.
Glass Spider (00:47:29 PM): I thought that was just me yawning.
Glass Spider (00:47:52 PM): Booooo–
Glass Spider (00:47:57 PM): –ooooring
kaosdevice (00:47:58 PM): Well this guy should wind up in the shed, he is a complete tool.
Glass Spider (00:48:31 PM): What’s there, a werewolf in that car?
kaosdevice (00:48:34 PM): If the sweaty truck is rockin’ don’t come a knockin’.
Glass Spider (00:48:44 PM): They must have only had rights to the one song.
Glass Spider (00:49:30 PM): Oh, hell. I should’ve wished for money! I wasted it!
kaosdevice (00:49:35 PM): Sheesh a donkey would envy the teeth on that guy.
Glass Spider (00:49:43 PM): The douche *is* going to get it next.
Glass Spider (00:49:57 PM): Give that man a carrot!
Glass Spider (00:50:30 PM): Loooouud eating.
kaosdevice (00:50:31 PM): I still think that killer needs to clean that filthy place up. Doesn’t he know proper OSHA meat handling procedures?
Glass Spider (00:50:36 PM): Is that gristle pie?
Glass Spider (00:51:09 PM): Press-on nail in the pudding? You get the prize!
kaosdevice (00:51:21 PM): He can recognize a person from a fingernail? What is this CSI Midwichshirehampton?
Glass Spider (00:51:39 PM): 1986 called, they want that sweater back.
kaosdevice (00:52:11 PM): amateur dentistry is his hobby, drooling is his passion.
Glass Spider (00:52:18 PM): Ach! He’s a drooly steampunk.
Glass Spider (00:52:48 PM): Does that count as sexual? I’m drinking anyway.
kaosdevice (00:53:10 PM): Man, these idiots are drawn to this slaughterhouse like junebugs to a screendoor in summer.
Glass Spider (00:53:23 PM): And just as smart.
Glass Spider (00:53:45 PM): They keep bouncing against it like it won’t be there the next time.
Glass Spider (00:54:05 PM): Drink!
kaosdevice (00:54:10 PM): Give him a good screamin’ at, that’ll fend him off.
Glass Spider (00:54:57 PM): I’m telling’ ya: No cell, big guns. Nuff said.
Glass Spider (00:55:21 PM): I don’t understand a single thing they just screamed at each other.
kaosdevice (00:55:24 PM): Movie, you just decided to call it in from here on out didn’t you?
Glass Spider (00:55:57 PM): Meredith, I’d like to use my Phone-a-Plot lifeline.
kaosdevice (00:56:39 PM): What the hell, did the killer turn into a shoggoth or something? What was with all that noise?
Glass Spider (00:56:39 PM): Seriously, that sweater looked sooo much hotter on Samantha Fox.
Glass Spider (00:57:19 PM): He stopped hammering on the door seconds ago; it must be safe to run now!
Glass Spider (00:57:49 PM): Spotty girls need love too.
kaosdevice (00:58:17 PM): I’ve been more unnerved by toenail clipping than this scene.
Glass Spider (00:58:23 PM): That wall is like my eyes.
Glass Spider (00:58:51 PM): Give us a kiss, dear.
kaosdevice (00:58:52 PM): Benjy? Oh you scamp!
Glass Spider (00:59:12 PM): These prissy chicks never had a chance.
kaosdevice (00:59:16 PM): He won’t eat th’ breeding’ stock.
Glass Spider (00:59:29 PM): Where’s the head butting and crotch kicking?
kaosdevice (01:00:04 PM): Where’s Jiwl? What language is that?
Glass Spider (01:00:48 PM): Aye, it’s the Queen’s bloody English, you Yank barbarian!
kaosdevice (01:00:55 PM): As a fellow Matt with asthma I actually kind of feel for that character, but not enough not to want to watch him get slaughtered.
Glass Spider (01:01:13 PM): What a hum-drum, sad little movie.
kaosdevice (01:01:46 PM): You’ll be safe, sound and seasoned.
Glass Spider (01:02:01 PM): Mmmm, dry rub?
Glass Spider (01:02:36 PM): So the last pathetic cannibal flick we watched had a Rebecca (or Rebecker, if you prefer)…
kaosdevice (01:02:43 PM): wow , he literally bitch slapped him there at one point.
Glass Spider (01:02:49 PM): And this one has a Matt. What’s up?
kaosdevice (01:03:01 PM): weird, I agree.
kaosdevice (01:03:19 PM): I think we know where the rest of this is going.
Glass Spider (01:03:29 PM): "Hey, Squirrel-Face! How ya like me now?"
Glass Spider (01:03:46 PM): Oh. Medium-rare, I guess.
kaosdevice (01:03:56 PM): It is herbalroofie tea, like my gran used to make.
Glass Spider (01:04:11 PM): Oh, look. She’s dressed for dinner.
kaosdevice (01:05:00 PM): this movie is as predictable as a multiplication table.
Glass Spider (01:05:00 PM): Enter obvious cannibal puns, stage left.
Glass Spider (01:05:35 PM): 8 x 4 = I’m scratching out my eyes, now.
Glass Spider (01:05:51 PM): Cat?
Glass Spider (01:06:30 PM): The no-slip gumrubbers really make that transparent skirt pop.
kaosdevice (01:06:36 PM): I know it is supposed to be creepy, but I just want to stab it with a salad fork.
kaosdevice (01:06:54 PM): That’s how this movie makes me feel.
Glass Spider (01:06:57 PM): Mmmm, acid-cooked, just like ma used to make.
kaosdevice (01:07:14 PM): please be the end…no?
Glass Spider (01:07:16 PM): It feels like it.
Glass Spider (01:07:27 PM): A year later, I mean.
kaosdevice (01:07:28 PM): I hate you movie.
kaosdevice (01:08:02 PM): feels like I’ve been watching this damn thing for a year.
Glass Spider (01:08:03 PM): No part of the cadaver is wasted — unlike the time I spent watching this.
Glass Spider (01:08:41 PM): Movie, Beck called; she wants her 90 minutes back.
Glass Spider (01:09:14 PM): Mmmm, fresh baby.
kaosdevice (01:09:38 PM): 10 million corpses strong…annnnnd groooowing….
Glass Spider (01:09:50 PM): Splish-splash, I was blendin’ some guts… all upon a Saturday night.
Glass Spider (01:10:22 PM): You should really cook that a little. Germs, you know.
Glass Spider (01:10:45 PM): Early reprieve!!!
kaosdevice (01:10:49 PM): finally. The length of the movie was a kindness really.
Glass Spider (01:11:40 PM): Gnaw — where 75 minutes feels like a month. I think I’m getting cramps.
Glass Spider (01:12:02 PM): And, cue the One Song!
[ Mood: Sick ]
We’ve selected our next punishment. 2009’s ‘Gnaw’. Tune in for the wails of agony as we try to protect our sanity and answer the following questions:
Will there be pigs?
Will Spidey kick over the TV or a hole in the wall in bitter frustration?
Will Kaosdevice fall asleep?
Date/Time will be posted if you want to join in, but why in the world would you want to? We are trying to protect YOU after all.
CD is getting a brief reprieve as we are looking for a new film and one of us is doing things for the start of their new business. Give us a day or so, we’ll be back in the video pillory for you all.
Well, we’ve found our next movie to protect you from. We’ll be watching it later today. Like usual I would invite people in, but this one? This one we wouldn’t inflict on anyone else.
Our writhings in agony will be up soon.