Chapter VII: A Discussion as to Ladies' Day
"I met Queen Elizabeth just now on the Row," said Raleigh,
as he entered the house-boat and checked his cloak.
"Indeed?" said Confucius. "What if you did? Other people
have met Queen Elizabeth. There's nothing original about
that."
"True; but she made a suggestion to me about this house-boat
which I think is a good one. She says the women are all
crazy to see the inside of it," said Raleigh.
"Thus proving that immortal woman is no different from
mortal woman," retorted Confucius. "They want to see the
inside of everything. Curiosity, thy name is woman."
"Well, I am sure I don't see why men should arrogate
to themselves the sole right to an investigating turn
of mind," said Raleigh, impatiently. "Why shouldn't the
ladies want to see the inside of this club-house? It is
a compliment to us that they should, and I for one am
in favor of letting them, and I am going to propose that
in the Ides of March we give a ladies' day here."
"Then I shall go South for my health in the Ides of March,"
said Confucius, angrily. "What on earth is a club for
if it isn't to enable men to get away from their wives
once in a while? When do people go to clubs? When they
are on their way home — that's when; and the more a man's
at home in his club, the less he's at home when he's at
home. I suppose you'll be suggesting a children's day
next, and after that a parrot's or a canary-bird's day."
"I had no idea you were such a woman-hater," said Raleigh,
in astonishment. "What's the matter? Were you ever disappointed
in love?"
"I? How absurd!" retorted Confucius, reddening. "The
idea of MY ever being disappointed in love! I never met
the woman who could bring me to my knees, although I was
married in the other world. What became of Mrs. C. I never
inquired. She may be in China yet, for aught I know. I
regard death as a divorce."
"Your wife must be glad of it," said Raleigh, somewhat
ungallantly; for, to tell the truth, he was nettled by
Confucius's demeanor. "I didn't know, however, but that
since you escaped from China and came here to Hades you
might have fallen in love with some spirit of an age subsequent
to your own — Mary Queen of Scots, or Joan of Arc, or some
other spook — who rejected you. I can't account for your
dislike of women otherwise."
"Not I," said Confucius. "Hades would have a less classic
name than it has for me if I were hampered with a family.
But go along and have your ladies' day here, and never
mind my reasons for preferring my own society to that
of the fair sex. I can at least stay at home that day.
What do you propose to do — throw open the house to the
wives of members, or to all ladies, irrespective of their
husbands' membership here?"
"I think the latter plan would be the better," said Raleigh.
"Otherwise Queen Elizabeth, to whom I am indebted for
the suggestion, would be excluded. She never married,
you know."
"Didn't she?" said Confucius. "No, I didn't know it;
but that doesn't prove anything. When I went to school
we didn't study the history of the Elizabethan period.
She didn't have absolute sway over England, then?"
"She had; but what of that?" queried Raleigh.
"Do you mean to say that she lived and died an old maid
from choice?" demanded Confucius.
"Certainly I do," said Raleigh. "And why should I not
tell you that?"
"For a very good and sufficient reason," retorted Confucius,
"which is, in brief, that I am not a marine. I may dislike
women, my dear Raleigh, but I know them better than you
do, gallant as you are; and when you tell me in one and
the same moment that a woman holding absolute sway over
men yet lived and died an old maid, you must not be indignant
if I smile and bite the end of my thumb, which is the
Chinese way of saying that's all in your eye, Betty Martin."
"Believe it or not, you poor old back number," retorted
Raleigh, hotly. "It alters nothing. Queen Elizabeth could
have married a hundred times over if she had wished. I
know I lost my head there completely."
"That shows, Sir Walter," said Dryden, with a grin, "how
wrong you are. You lost your head to King James. Hi! Shakespeare,
here's a man doesn't know who chopped his head off."
Raleigh's face flushed scarlet. "'Tis better to have
had a head and lost it," he cried, "than never to have
had a head at all! Mark you, Dryden, my boy, it ill befits
you to scoff at me for my misfortune, for dust thou art,
and to dust thou hast returned, if word from t'other side
about thy books and that which in and on them lies be
true."
"Whate'er be said about my books," said Dryden, angrily,
"be they read or be they not, 'tis mine they are, and
none there be who dare dispute their authorship."
"Thus proving that men, thank Heaven, are still sane,"
ejaculated Doctor Johnson. "To assume the authorship of
Dryden would be not so much a claim, my friend, as a confession."
"Shades of the mighty Chow!" cried Confucius. "An' will
ye hear the poets squabble! Egad! A ladies' day could
hardly introduce into our midst a more diverting disputation."
"We're all getting a little high-flown in our phraseology,"
put in Shakespeare at this point. "Let's quit talking
in blank-verse and come down to business. I think
a ladies' day would be great sport. I'll write a poem
to read on the occasion."
"Then I oppose it with all my heart," said Doctor Johnson.
"Why do you always want to make our entertainments commonplace?
Leave occasional poems to mortals. I never knew an occasional
poem yet that was worthy of an immortal."
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