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Naming Children After TV Characters Way Out of Hand
...Says Dr. Scooby-Doo Johnson
© Joe Crowe

For the past two generations, people have been raised in households where their entertainment centered around television. As they grew, many were influenced by their favorite television shows and movies.

A recent study conducted by the National Institute Of Naming of Children shows that 87 percent of parents are bored with naming their children after family members. Of that amount, 64 percent have a "blind and unreasoning hatred" for their family, and refuse to name children after them for that reason. Seeking an interesting and creative alternative, some have named their children after television characters. Among the more popular names are from TV shows such as 90210, Ally McBeal, ER, and Friends.

Sometimes, however, it can go too far, says Dr. Scooby-Doo Johnson.

"Growing up is hard enough already. When I was in school, everyone always asked me where Shaggy was. And they always tried to get me to solve mysteries. But I was too scared."

Johnson had a great deal of trouble fitting in during high school. "At a high school dance, one of my classmates came up to me and asked where George and Elroy and Jane were. I told him to shut up, that was the Jetsons, not Scooby-Doo, and he just stared at me like I was an idiot. I punched him right in the nose, and said, 'Who's the idiot now?! Not Scooby-Doo Johnson!'"

Johnson continued, "Everyone at the dance saw him being a jerk, and I thought at that moment, I'd be a big hero.Then one of them said, "Ruh-Roh!" and everyone laughed. Long and hard."   

Higher education wasn't much nicer to Dr. Johnson.

"In college, I met a pretty young woman in class. Her name was Daphne. We really clicked.  But when I asked her out on a date, she said it just didn't seem right."  

Johnson is among many suffering from being a TNC (television-named child).

"My work requires that I be taken seriously," said nuclear plant safety supervisor Magilla Gorilla Phillips. "One slip-up, one forgetful moment, one side-clutching spasm of uproarious laughter, and the whole countryside would pay. And pay dearly."

"Grape Ape," said groundskeeper Grape Ape McDonald. "Grape Ape."

But not all TNCs report difficulties.

"I don't understand what the problem is," said corporate attorney Superman McCall. "Everything has come so easy to me my whole life. Cars, money, women, the entire world at my fingertips. Life is great. Really, really great!"

"I like television shows, too, of course," Dr. Johnson said from his Chicago office, where he is a renowned heart surgeon, "but what in the name of all that is holy could my parents have been thinking? What? What? What?"

"Sometimes Scoob just gets so upset." said his mother, Dolores Johnson. "But I never hear complaining from his sister Snagglepuss."

Joseph Bugsbunny Crowe is television psychology expert for RevolutionSF.

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