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What Would Cthulhu Do?
Contest Hosted by Joe Crowe

Today's Dilemma: How may I best celebrate the holiday season?


Deck the halls with all that lives~ Falalalala, Yog Yog Soggoth! (wolvie110@hotmail.com)

Same as I do every year: gather around you your closes friends (professors of prehistoric arcane lore, students of lost languages, prehistoric archeologists, perhaps a novice in the Dark Arts or two) and then, after a cup or two of egg nog, plunge their minds into the cold, dark waters of insanity by unveiling the merest hint of your own unholy madness, a wrecking chaos of primordial hungers and infinite pain writ across the stellar void. (bessellieu@excite.com)

Traditional decorations are always appropriate. I suggest misletoe, a symbol of love and bringing people together. And it's got those nice pretty (albeit poisonous) berries, so you can make great mistletoe garlands and drape them around your house like grea TENTACLES OF DEATH!!! (baniszew@mit.edu)

Wallow in pain, misery and madness before great Cthulhu puny mortal insect! Failing that, I like in enjoy a nice glass of egg nog with just a hint of nutmeg and rum. (theonlynolan@yahoo.com)

When I celebrate the holidays, I make my special pie. All my familiars are just dying to eat it. heres my recipe: First, you need 2 female virgins, emphasis on FEMALE. Then, add a pint of dog blood, 2 chunks of horse liver, an N'sync CD, 27 rat heads, 12 ounces of bat skin, and a pound bag of Hershey's (TM) chocolate chips. Mix in a bowl, pour into a platter, bae on high heat for four hours, and let cool. Serves 17.5 Enjoy!! (bblatt11@aol.com)

First, remove all body hair. Second, plunge yourself into the icy waters off the New England coastal area about two miles off the continental shelf at approximately 47 degrees latitude, 74 degrees longitude. Do this on December 19th, 2001 at appromimately 7:27 PM. Hey, what do you mean you'll be in line for LOTR then. WHO IS THIS LOTR ANYWAY!!! IS IT ONE OF THE ELDER GODS?!!? I am the Great Cthulu what do you mean by "the one to bind them all". You're creeping me out. I'll go find some "shu"-goth girls to help me, who needs fanboys to survive, other than Lucas that is. All Hail Me, The Stars Are Approximately Near Right. (nettroll@email.com)

Kick back on your Nyarlathotolounger, put on your Slippers With a Thousand Young, and sip on a nice cup of Egg Yog. (megatonnage@hotmail.com)

Gather 11 of your prettiest virginal friends together, and stuff yourselves into the, uhhh, Bloody Stocking of Yogg-Sothoth, right over there on the mantle. Cthulhu hungry...mmmmmm, virginnnssss... (leissuit@aol.com)

Yog Soggoth! <cough cough, hack> I'm sorry...what were you saying? Oh yes. Lets see...Yog Soggoth! Oh, gee! Sorry! I suffer from a slight case of Tourettes', it comes and goes. I'd serve the lamb with a thousand heads, but don't invite in that Thing on the Doorstep, I don't care if he is your brother-in-law. Let's see...what else...oh, yeah: Yog Soggoth! (c_calthrop@hotmail.com)

Hunt down all of the descendents of that Lovecraft jerk and turn them over to me. Then I shall rend them limb from limb, consume their still living brains, and flay their souls for all eternity. Thus shall I avenge the totally poor and misleading reputation that beknighted author gave me. (crow_steve@hotmail.com)

Perhaps all wisdom is truly unknowable. Or maybe it's right here. Or maybe you've just gone crazy.

I find that the first thing that puts me in a holiday spirit is a thorough cleaning. This means all dried blood, maggots, shoggoths and other clutter must be cleaned out of every nook and cranny!! And let's not forget the altar -- often you'll find that talon marks (signifying an overzealous feeder, no doubt) are quite tricky to get clean, considering the depths of the grooves involved. Utilize a used toothbrush in these cases.

Once you've got your lair spotless, have your mindless minions bring in the yearly batch of solstice sacrifices (all virgins, you can find plenty of them at any trekkie convention) dressed in pure white robes and expose -- er -- reveal yourself to them to enjoy their terror and pitiful babbling. Have your drones open up their _Cthulhu Hymnals_ and sing for you in 4-part harmonies before you rip into the tender flesh of all attending and sate yourself until next year..

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll finish opening these gifts.. Hrm. Here's a nice package from Nyarlathotep.. *rrrrriiiiip* AUGH. Fruitcake AGAIN?! (runewitch@hotmail.com)

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