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Election 2012: Loki Elected President
© Joe Crowe, @revolutionsf
November 13, 2012

Loki of Asgard was elected president-elect of the United States, in a landslide win that covered his foes with tons of dirt. Loki delivered his acceptance speech at the White House Tuesday night, in front of thousands of kneeling onlookers.

Before the presidentís acceptance speech, a brief introduction was delivered by vice president-elect Chitauri number 1,743. It said, "Reeeeeee."

The official transcript follows.

My quest to become your president all began with a hope. A hope that I could make a Russian spy weep with my awesome smack-talking. You may applaud.

(APPLAUSE)

Like all Americans, I came to America seeking freedom. Freedom from our weak-willed brothers and simpering fathers! Applaud!

(APPLAUSE)

What makes America exceptional is how quickly you kneel when a handsome man with a blasting stick tells you to do so. Applaud!

(APPLAUSE)

What makes America exceptional is how quickly your lawmakers allow gods from Asgard to run for president. Technically this means that my hated brother could also run, but I will let that go for now. Cheer now, you drooling swine!

(APPLAUSE)

What makes America exceptional is the freedom that you willingly lay down unless some guy in a red, white, and blue suit jumps in the way of my blasting stick with his shield. Applaud me or face oblivion!

(APPLAUSE)

I am hopeful tonight because Iíve seen America at work. Running. Screaming. Being slaughtered by robot dragons. Iíve seen it in family businesses, who cook delicious shawarma even as they clean up their destroyed cities.

Together we will solve Americaís fiscal crisis. You will get nothing, and I will get everything.

Now when you go through tough times, look only to Loki for mercy, not boys in ridiculous armor, even those who play AC/DC on their speakers, for that is indeed pretty cool.

America, by electing me your president for life, you have touched my heart. Just like I touched your hearts with my blasting stick, with that glowing jewel in it that makes you do what I tell you until someone hits you really hard in the head.

Good night, and may you all bow before me until your legs ache, you festering, bloated, cave dwelling infants. Loki Bless America!

(APPLAUSE)

After his speech, the president-elect was set to meet with an angry representative of the Green Party.




 
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