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Dungeons and Dragons Soda May Require Saving Throw
Revolution News
© Joe Crowe
September 22, 2009

After a long, hard afternoon of Dungeons and Dragons, we can finally kick back with a tall Dwarven Draught.

If you've ever said to yourself, while playing Dungeons and Dragons, "This Mountain Dew doesn't keep me awake and frantic enough," this soda is for you.

The official Dungeons and Dragons soda is now on sale. It's "pure cane soda." I hope that means it has sugar in it, because the one thing D&D players need is 20 minutes of desperate energy, followed by four hours of straining to keep our eyes open.

$10.99 for six and $18.99 for 12.

That's about 110 bucks cheaper than the books to play D&D in the first place. Think of the savings!

Everyone believed Mountain Dew was the gamer's drink of choice, but then they joined up with World of Warcraft for World of Warcraft Mountain Dew. That betrayal is intolerable. And just like World of Warcraft, finishing a whole one takes weeks.

There are six distinct flavors of Dungeons and Dragons soda, as different from each other as halflings are from hobbits.

Potion of Healing will restore your real life hit points, but it does nothing against a backstab.

Sneak Attack is for all of us who do not mind consuming a food item whose name warns you of its effects.

Bigby's Crushing Thirst Destroyer. Somebody at that soda company really flipped through a D&D book to find that name. So for that nerd triumph, to them we raise a bottle of this turgid black substance.

Dwarven Draught is not in a smaller bottle than the others, because that would be insulting.

Eldritch Blast. Only drink one a day. That's what the handbook says.

Illithid Brain Juice. The old-school among us know the Illithid as a mind flayer, a "super-intelligent, man-shaped creature with four tentacles by its mouth. When it hits prey with a tentacle, the tentacle penetrates to the brain and draws it forth, allowing the monster to devour it."

So, a drink based on that sounds awesome.

Oh, Lord! What's my esophagus' thAC0?

RevolutionSF's Joe Crowe is a grizzled survivor of Crystal Pepsi.

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