For me to review [Name of movie in all caps], it is a bit of a conflict of interest, because of [weird connection with director].

I saw the movie tongight with [Name of friend no one else knows.], and we [ramble about what you did on the way to the movie]. As we waited on it to start, we talked about [foreign filmmaker] and his influence on [indie rock band].

I had two girls with me, [first name a porn actress would have], and [another name a porn actress would have]. And in fact, as I watched all I could think about was how the mvoie was like [critically acclaimed foreign film] had a baby with [Saturday morning cartoon].

Then the [crew member's job title] performed a masterpiece with [whatever equipment that person uses]] to [film school jargon] the [film school jargon]. That guy is such a [gross way to describe someone performing a sex act.]

In the hands of [famous easy target director], this movie would have been a bit like a piece of [sci-fi swear word].

But this is like [real swear word]ing [famous painter] doing his [famous painting]. It's like [classical music composer] if he did the soundtrack to [sci-fi movie]. Its that good . . . . . . . . .

Look at the [film school jargon]. It's [word only used in porn]. Its nothing if not like [poetry jargon] on celluloid, or Quentin Tarantino on [drug mentioned in rap song].

When [character in the movie] said [misquoted quote from movie], I wept like I did when I saw [movie during which no one should weep].

[Too-personal nickname for director ] performs magic and I cant look away. He makes his actors [something you would see in porn] . . . . again . . . . . . . and again . . . . . . and again. . . until they [food related double entendre].

Remember in [obscure anime] when they [did something gross]. Combine that with [really good movie], but take out the [best part of that really good movie], and there you'll have this movie in its quiet moments.

Just like in [1970s movie], or [1980s movie], or [Radiohead album] . . . . . . . . . . . the Grand Guignol is never muddled.

I hope [some other director's first name] can top this with [nonexistent superhero movie] . . . . that would connect with the audience like [movie that just came out last week].

Its not perfect . . . . . . .. it feels a bit rushed . . . . . . but its that familiarness with [word you might hear in a museum] that makes me manage to say this is the [crazy exaggeration] !!!!!!