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Christmas Countdown : Funniest Christmas List Ever, #11-1
© Joe Crowe
December 24, 2008

Why would you write a song about being sad on Christmas? Who is that for? To remind us that everything sucks even though it's Christmas? Was it not St. Nick who said we better not cry and better not pout? Hey, songwriters: Cheer the hell up.

11. "Christmas Is" and 10. "Christmas In Hollis" by Run-DMC. The rap legends are so great they have two fun Christmas songs. "Christmas In Hollis" teaches this valuable lesson: "Don't steal from Santa, because that ain't right."

9."Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday" by Brad Paisley. The country star's records include comedy sketches with country music legends George Jones, Whisperin' Bill Anderson, and Little Jimmy Dickens. When Christmas comes around, they have to be politically correct. The censor button bleeps overtime as they refuse to dream of a "Caucasian holiday."

8. "A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Mystery Science Theater 3000. Thanks to Servo, Crow (no relation) T. Robot, and Joel holidays from now on will never be Swayze enough.

7. "Chiron Beta Prime" by Jonathan Coulton.
Everyone gets those family update letters at this time of year, detailing new jobs, new dogs, and stuff they did on vacations. This family is exiled by robots to an asteroid, but they still celebrate the season. There's a lesson there somewhere. Maybe.

6. "Grandma Got Dismembered by A Chainsaw." This dark tale is especially fun if you're tired of the totally overplayed original, "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." Elmo and Patsy's "Grandma" was original and hilarious, when it debuted in 1979.

Now everyone just thinks it's cute, because in the cleaned-up version played today, someone added "Send them back!" and messed up the funniest line in the song. Bummer. But this song fixes all that, in the grossest way possible.

5. "Blue Christmas" by Porky Pig. Elvis's classic "Blue Christmas" if it were performed by Porky Pig.

Recorded live on a radio show, the best part is the DJ losing it when Porky says "Oh, b-b-baby, I'll m-m-miss you."

4. "Christmas With The Devil" by Spinal Tap. "Jingle Bell Rock" does not rock in the least, and neither does "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree."

Leave it to Tap to provide a Christmas song upon which to bang your head. Extra fun is this acoustic version. "The elves are dressed in leather, and the angels are in chains." It is awesome.

3. "O Come All Ye Faithful" by Twisted Sister. No one knew the Christmas carol sounded so much better with the music from "We're Not Gonna Take It."

But Twisted Sister knew. Let us never doubt them again.

2. "Dick in A Box" from Saturday Night Live. Just follow these steps:

One: Watch this video.

Two: Try to get the song out of your head. It keeps on giving.

1. "Heat Miser / Snow Miser," from The Year Without A Santa Claus. These show-stoppers from the 1974 cartoon will liven up criers and pouters.

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy do an excellent version.

Any song from the 1960s and 1970s Rankin/ Bass Christmas specials is excellent. Buy the DVDs now. Don't be like Burgermeister Meisterburger.

Now enjoy #30-21 and #20-12. Or else.

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