Every year, RevolutionSF's Joe Crowe attempts to survive a sci-fi convention. Here is this year's terrifying tale.

I went to DragonCon in Atlanta, GA with my beautiful, intelligent, and infinitely patient wife and our young'un, Quin Crowe, Queen of the Universe. She is five years old and awesome. I hosted two game shows and appeared on panels in my guise as RevolutionSF raconteur. Now that I have been on panels and hosted stuff for awhile, I can never go back to merely sitting in an audience. Which kind of bites me in the heiney-bottom. But I dig it, because I spread the word about RevolutionSF, and I get to perform for The People.

70 Years of Superman in the Media: 1940s-1960s

The first panel I'm on every year involves me rushing into the panel late, because I just got to the con. My house is two hours away from Atlanta, which gives me more time to forget to pack my toiletries.

This year I made it just as track chief Ron Nastrom did a slide-show of the Fleischer Superman cartoons. I pointed out items on the slides like Superman's granny-panties.

Dragon*Reading: Joe Crowe

Usually on panels I have to stay on topic or let other people talk, but this one was a whole hour devoted just to me, Joe Crowe. I planned to read RevolutionSF stuff and do about an hour of stand-up. I prepared the finest items that would make the best public readings. Thanks to KISS cologne, I reeked like Paul Stanley.

Then four people showed. My Assembled! editor Van Plexico and his family, one of whom is an infant. So I did a couple of things, but I could feel the pity coming off them in waves, even from tiny Mira.

Then two guys wandered in, as if they were looking for a place to nap. They rather rudely turned right around and left. One guy said he wouldn't stay because "I don't know who you are!"

After I clotheslined him, my day improved.

Stump The Geeks

I love hosting the nerd trivia. This year, for a change, I came up with trivia questions before the panel started. I used RevolutionSF's own Sci-Fi Quote-O-Matic for questions. RevSF writer Sneezy performed the quote. His Barry Bostwick from Megaforce rules.

I gave away a pile of prizes, including RevolutionSF T-shirts that I guarantee had been worn by me no more than five or six times.

The best thing we did was celebrate and honor 25 years of Manimal.

The crowd and the contestants and us all had a moving, joyful fellowship. I feel bad for all the other panels at the con.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I was fully prepared to discuss Sergio Leone's spaghetti western, but it was not to be. Instead, the con's American Sci-Fi TV track discussed last season's TV and the new season's prospects.

In 2007 on this panel, I promised if Cavemen was canceled, I would dance on the table. To my shock, everyone remembered I said I would do that.

Track chief Kelley queued up "Cartoon Heroes" by Aqua. And oh, how I danced. I recall bouncing on Sneezy the Squid and raising the roof.

Then a fellow panelist threatened to hurt me for dancing too near her. (After the panel she stormed away, swearing and demanding alcohol. My dancing has that effect.)

I aspire to dance like Sir Tom Jones, but I know my limited skills cannot ever hope to match his physical artistry.

TrekTrak Trivia

Another year, another batch of excellent Trek questions prepared by me, not by some punk trivia game you can buy at a store.

I whomped up a ton of new questions, and I reused four of my best ones from the previous year. The problem was that two or three players this year also played last year. So they remembered the answers.

So from here to eternity, I have to totally revamp my trivia game every single year in order to trump two or three players, in a convention with thousands of attendees. I knew trivia would one day spell my doom, like evil pudding and Tasha Yar.

The best answers were glitter and water, true, and Carel Strycken.

Attack of The Dead Authors Society

The other guys on the panel all write up a big presentation about the dead SF writer of their choice, and narrate it in first person. They all do great, down to the voice and character.

I always do Robert E. Howard. I never prepare anything. Talking like a Texan and preaching the benefits of swords, sorcery, and fightin' is just the best. It would be such a letdown for my fellow society members down if I did anything else. So, see, I do it for them, for the crowd, not because I'm ill-prepared or a slap-ass.

Planet of the Apes 40th Anniversary

I arrived with the Crowe family late, as I am wont to do. I got a round of sarcastic applause from the crowd. Thanks, guys. It was just like being home.

I discovered I really do not know enough about Planet of the Apes and everyone in the audience and on the panel knew a whole lot about Planet of the Apes.

Some ape soldiers attended, and sat in the crowd one row in front of Quin. I also was a-feared of the ape soldiers when I was her age, and all I did was see them on TV. For her, they were right there. But she's made of tough stuff, and I got her out of there before the apes felt her wrath.

What Happened to the Sci-Fi Channel?

I regret we missed this panel entirely, because the family and I chose instead to eat food. (We need to get our priorities straight.) Van Plexico led a fantastic discussion, that involved no dislike or hate-festing toward ECW or the Sci Fi Original movies. I'm sure of it. I hope he mentioned Manimal, which had reruns on Sci Fi years ago. Because I surely would have.

King Kong: 75th Anniversary

I learned that I don't know as much about King Kong as I should. Besides Van, Ron, and me, the other panelists were Kong book writers. One was friends with Fay Wray, and had dinner with her and Peter Jackson before the filming of Jackson's Kong. Wray told Jackson he was "too fat."

Then we brought up the the special effects of Rick Baker, and I noted that he did Manimal's effects.

Ding ding ding! Me talking about Manimal: 1, the rest of the convention: zero.

Quin Crowe Meets Supergirl

We watched the annual costume-fest from the safety of our hotel room, and Quin fell asleep while Neelix from Voyager hosted.

The best thing we did at the whole con was Quin and I pursued costumed people and took pictures. She took a photo with Supergirl, Batgirl, and Poison Ivy. They went squee when she told them her name (She's not named after Harley Quinn, but I didn't want to let down the costumed ladies.)

Supergirl posed atop two columns, a few feet high. It looked dramatic, but she whispered something to her comrades about fearing that Quin would see she wasn't wearing underwear.

Quin would not have minded. She's five. I, on the other hand, am thirty-eight and male. Luckily, seeing a nearby gaggle of Ernest Borgnine lookalikes helped me regain my composure.

Prince Edgar from Enchanted had to get on bended knee before Quin agreed to a picture with him. Get used to it, fellas.

Our favorite costumes were Harry Potter Puppet Pals, Iron Man, and a kid who transformed into a tank. Quin saw She-Hulk and Invisible Girl and ran to ask them for a picture. That's a proud daddy moment for me.

Quin vs. Disney Villains

Quin saw Captain Hook, but didn't want a picture with him because "he's too mean." That's true. No problem.

Then, like two minutes later, we went on an elevator and the evil witch from Sleeping Beauty got on right behind us. Quin froze. I froze. Maleficent said "This is the wrong elevator. Crap."

Then she saw Quin and told her, "You didn't hear me say that."

After she left, Quin said, "Maleficent said a bad word."

Quin vs. Zombies

Quin geeked out over a bunch of Disney princesses in a crowd, and ran to get the photo op. Turns out they were Zombie Disney Princesses, with scars and blood-stained dresses.

Quin summed up our whole trip when she saw them up close.

"Cinderella's face looks weird."