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X-Files: Who's Scully's Baby Daddy?
© Joe Crowe, Shane Ivey, Kenn McCracken
July 25, 2008

In the final episode of The X-Files' season 7, Scully revealed she was pregnant. For most of season 8, she never talked about it, then Mulder revealed he was the father, in the very last moment of the last episode of the season. Kind of. We wrote this list of suspects before then, while we waited on a good explanation. We were so naive.

The Suspect: Midichlorians

The Motive: The Force is in all things, baby.

The Lowdown: Those midichlorians are notorious for knocking the boots.

The Odds: 5,000 to 1. We know from Anakin's mother that midichlorians don't go for ladies with all that makeup on their faces.

The Suspect: That Adultering Old Fart Scully Used to Have Sex With

The Motive: Her college professor, a couple of decades her senior had a wife and daughter. Way to pick 'em, Scully.

The Lowdown: Years later, she saw him again. However, he had just had a heart attack, and he was in the hospital, well-attended by orderlies and his now-grown daughter. But this is Scully we're talking about, so she's not prone to good decisions. Even if it killed the guy. But still: Another "final exam" with Scully. Not a bad deal for him.

The Odds: 200-1.

The Suspect: Skinner

The Motive: The only time we've seen him in an intimate setting was with a hooker who turned out to be a succubus. Maybe he wanted to try again with someone less likely to kill him.

Maybe Scully felt grateful for when Skinner got himself shot trying to help her solve her sister's murder. That's worth something, right? Besides, sexual harassment laws don't apply to the government. Everybody knows that.

The Lowdown: Too busy filing papers or playing Solitaire or whatever he does while waiting on Mulder and Scully to return from their latest unsuccessful mission.

The Odds: 100-1.

The Suspect: Frohike

The Motive: The pudgy old Lone Gunman has had lust in his heart for her since he and the other Gunmen met her.

The Lowdown: On this season's cliffhanger episode, she fell unconscious right there in front of the Gunmen. Frohike is too cool. He ain't got the time, baby. Byers is too polite.

If any of the Lone Gunmen were to attempt such a deed, it would be Langley, because he is on the verge of a gibbering breakdown if he doesn't take care of some business soon.

There she is, all unconscious, the perfect woman, perhaps willing if he woke her up quickly with a semi-plausible explanation. On the other hand, her collapse was because she was already pregnant in the first place. So unless Frohike found a less obvious time to get his freak on, he's out of the running.

The Odds: 40-1.

The Suspect: Alex Krycek

The Motive: Krycek gets his manliness questioned at every turn, and even when he finally acted like a tough guy, no one believed him. So he's got something to prove.

The Lowdown: He's been on the show only a few times this season. Scully, too has been notably absent from a few episodes. Hmmmmm.

The Odds: 25 to 1.

The Suspect: Ares, Greek God of War

The Motive: On the prowl for the strongest woman he can find who won't bring about the Twilight of the Gods, beat him up, or yammer all the time about her blonde "friend."

The Lowdown: He's obviously bad for her, which makes him perfect. But at least Xena would occasionally give Ares a peek at the merchandise. Scully is all science, science, science.

The Odds: 20-1.

The Suspect: Batman

The Motive: She's a scientist. He's a scientist. Things happen.

The Lowdown: Scully likes stubborn, obsessive men. As Bruce Wayne, Batman is charming, ebullient, and rich enough to hire a good dialogue writer for The X-Files.

Odds: 7 to 1.

The Suspect: Cigarette-Smoking Man

The Motive: Duh, he's hot for Scully, and he admitted it. He's a dirty, smelly old man. But those guys hit it and quit it all the time. While clean, good-smelling, good young men do not hit it, and thus cannot quit it, nor can they stay and play.

The Lowdown: He would give the pejorative "bumping uglies" a sad new meaning. He's also the only man in the entire series who ever took her on a date. He bought her a dress, and she said it was beautiful. He bought her a nice dinner. I'm surprised they didn't go at it right there in the restaurant. And he abducted and had her impregnated already, so that could have been considered the first date.

The Odds: 2-1.

The Suspect: Mulder

The Motive: He's been her partner for years. They are closer than any male and female co-stars on any show without ever giving in to their urge to sex it down. They work together at all hours, they show up at each others' apartments (and in each other's bed) all the time. Mulder loves Scully, and they belong together.

The Lowdown: Since when has anyone who ever belonged together gotten together? He's a porno freak. He has a fixation on his sister. He has a fixation on otherworldly explanations for real events. Naturally he would be too busy looking for the conspiracy angle even if Scully dropped her drawers and said "Make of this what you will."

The Odds: 100,000 to 1.

The Suspect: Triple H

The Motive: Triple H wants to be the WWF champion. If Scully is in his way, he'll be her baby's daddy, or bust her in the head with a steel chair. Whatever it takes.

The Lowdown: He drugged his boss Vince McMahon's daughter and married her while she was unconscious. Then he convinced her to stay with him anyway. Then he convinced her father to join their side. And his favorite move can render 500-pound men unconscious, so hooking up with comparatively tiny Scully would be no problem.

The Odds: 5-1.

The Suspect: Willow

The Motive: Scully's a hot redhead just like Willow. The relationship would unite two distinct fandom groups: the Buffazoids AND the Scullyites, all united under the belief that this would be really cool.

The Lowdown: It's impossible, according to science. But this is magic. Super-hot magic.

The Odds: Even.


For more X-Filesian enjoyment:

John Doggett / Babylon Files / The Last Episode / Season 9: Episode 1


 
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