So some movie company says they'll make a movie of Joust, the arcade game that I used to almost do well on, only to plummet to my fiery death.
Joust arrived in 1982, to the eager video gaming fingers of those beaten down by apes dropping barrels upon us and uncaring vehicles squashing our amphibians.
Joust had by far the best video game button ever: Flap.
Nowhere else could you flap. But in Joust, man, all you did was flap. Or you would die.
The game involved you, some dude, sitting on the back of a bird that is flightless in real life, the ostrich, and flapping furiously from floating rock to floating rock. You tried to knock other riders off their birds with your jousting pole.
At least, that's what the rules said. The game actually consisted of furious pounding of the flap button, screaming "flap, you filking bird! Flap!" as your completely unresponsive onscreen guy was stabbed or eaten by a pterodactyl.
Just like life.
It reflected the teen angst of the day, a far cry from the delightful well-adjusted youth of the 21st century. If you failed, it wasn't just you that died; the poor animal you forced to carry you also perished. And you had to live with it, on the long walk down the row to play Donkey Kong Jr.
It's a perfect idea for a movie. Let's take a look.
1. A few people from 1982 remember it. We will therefore pay money to see it today. Thank you, Transformers!
2. It has fanciful CGI monsters like in that Bridge to Terabithia, except without dying children.
3. The game's lava hand could easily become a movie lava hand, which would grab the ostrich and make the audience yell "Flap, you filkin' bird! Flap!"
4. Ostriches are good for movies, like in Around the World in Eighty Days and Dude, Where's My Car?
5. Emus are likewise fun.
6. Pterodactyls = box office gold.
7. Will help teach kids about feudalism.