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Bitches Prefer "Biccans"
© Joe Crowe

Hollywood -- On the WB TV series Charmed, Shannen Doherty, Alyssa Milano, and Holly Marie Combs portray bitches.

They are, however, quick to stress that they prefer the term "Biccans."

"We're not Biccans in real life," said Combs. "We just play them on television."

"Well, except for Shannen," added Milano.

"Shut up!" said Doherty.

Biccans in Hollywood, and even the rest of society, are misunderstood. Many call them "bitches," but, Biccans say, that term is misused.

"A bitch is someone in old movies, who makes people do what she wants, and is evil and horrible to look at," said Doherty, "like Barbra Streisand."

Bicca is an universe-based religion, in which the entire universe orbits around the Biccan. Biccans know and honor a female god, known to them as "myself."  Biccans believe in a creed that states, "Do everything you want as long as it helps yourself."

Biccans do not believe that Bicca is the only valid belief system. It is just the only one they care about. Since Bicca is a universe-based religion, the need for perfect imbalance must be pointed out. Any Biccan who does anything to help another person, even another Biccan, must be ridiculed by small groups of gathering Biccans, known as "those Biccans sitting over there."

Biccans do not practice magic, except on television's Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where actresses Amber Benson (Tara) and Alyson Hannigan (Willow) perform "spells" believed "sexy" by young men. It is doing things that men believe to be sexy that is "precisely following the Biccan tradition," says Benson. "Now leave us alone. It's time for our bath," said Hannigan.

When asked to comment about Biccans for this article, every man surveyed stammered, "Um... uh..."

Hollywood has been a popular breeding ground for Biccans for many years. The abundance of money, the focus on good looks, and the abundance of even more money, means Hollywood is home to many Biccans.

While some actresses, like the Charmed cast, only portray Biccans, other actresses are Biccans in real life. Except for Shannen Doherty, who recently left the series after a reported squabble with producers. Doherty's former 90210 co-star Luke Perry agrees: "One time I accidentally brushed against her in the hallway, and she dug her nails right in my arm until I cried out. But she's not a Biccan. No, no, no. Tell her I said she wasn't, OK?"

Doherty will be replaced in the cast by Rose McGowan, whose acting credits include pretending to be romantically involved with well-known nerd Marilyn Manson, who says, "I'm glad she left me, really I am. I was buying her all these nice things, but it was cutting into my makeup and thong underwear budget." He added, "My Mom still thinks I'm cool," he added.

"Your upside-down crucifix isn't on straight," said Mrs. Eunice Manson.

Chase Masterson is a practicing Biccan. The actress, famed around the globe for her 16-episode role as Leeta the space whore on Deep Space Nine, says, "Do you go around to everyone asking stupid questions?" Masterson lashed out at her manservant, swatting him away like a gnat, which is also Masterson's pet name for him.

Biccans in Hollywood are know to biccan about a lot of things. However, the following terms have been mutually agreed upon during meetings of individual conclaves of Hollywood Biccans, when they gather in their "plastic surgery waiting rooms."

The Rule of Three: no Biccan shall engage in a relationship with a man for longer than three months. Except for Julia Roberts, who has special dispensation to relate with a male for a year to 15 months, but only until a marriage seems imminent.

Bane: A villain in the Batman comic book. But no self-respecting Biccan should know anything about that.

Besom: Broom. Something never to be used by a Biccan.

Book of Shadows: A movie that was a sequel to The Blair Biccan Project. It casts Biccans as mere bitches, content to run around the woods and do stuff involving "nature." There are many copies of Book of Shadows at the video store. Watch none of them, for they are all the same. Watch it not, lest ye be cursed.

Cakes and Ale: Delicious food and drink that every Biccan loves. Often presented to Biccans by Men in the vain hope that they will receive the Projective Hand in return.

Festival of Biccanery: Celebrations involving groups of Biccans, usually to celebrate new levels of Biccanery that can commence when a Biccan enters into marriage, divorce, starting college, finishing college, any time during college, or pregnancy.

Folk Magick: The power, simply bewildering to Biccans, ordinary folks have to enrage and frustrate Biccans, merely by behaving as ordinary folks do.

Men: Best ignored. If left alone, they will naturally migrate toward Biccans.

Not a Biccan: A term used when someone obviously doesn't know a Biccan very well.

Personal Power: The credit line and / or bust size of the Biccan.

Projective Hand: To be used for slapping, scratching, punching, displaying the Symbol of the Bird, and finger-snapping to get a servant's attention. Not
to be used for caressing. That method to get one's way is to be avoided at all costs.

Tongue: A Biccan ritual weapon, usually containing a double edge. Shall be used in conjunction with the mouth and lips only to dispense sarcasm, irony, and sharp retorts. Any other use is not the Biccan way.


Joe Crowe is Humor Editor for RevolutionSF. No, he doesn't have "issues". Why do you ask?

 
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