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Sci-Fi Theorizer: Hiding Luke With His Family
Contest Hosted by Joe Crowe

What's with . . . the Rebels in Revenge of the Sith hiding baby Luke with his actual family?

5. They felt someone who could be swayed to the dark side with a "Come ON! All the cool kids are Sith!" probably wasn't smart enough to check out his brother's house. (puckydream)

4. They knew that Vader was allergic to blue milk. (gfleisher)

3. It's a little known fact that Obi-wan had an intense Jawa fetish. If ya gotta look after your evil prodigy’s spawn, ya might as well enjoy yourself. (wtsackett)

2. Even Yoda and Obi-Wan never knew that Luke and Leia didn't get their Skywalker blood from Anakin. Yep. While Ani was out killing sand people, Beru and Owen were busy showing Padme around the farm. So to speak. . (tigrrbaby)

Strap yourselves in …

1. a) The Jedi Are All Idiots theory: The Jedi, all of them, are idiots.

b) The Blackmail theory: Actually, the Emperor knew perfectly well where Luke was the entire time. He knew, though, if he tried to lay a finger on the babe, Obi-Wan Kenobi would post Those Photos on the Holonet. So he lied to Vader about it, and spent twenty-odd years filing his nails.

c) The It's All About Leia theory: After the babies were born, Obi-Wan and Yoda were surprised to discover that Leia is actually the Chosen One Who Will Bring Balance To The Force. After throwing a we-didn't-screw-up-as-badly-as-we-thought party, they realized that they had to hide her completely from the Sith. They decided, for the greater good, that it was better to sacrifice the dud twin (Luke), so they sent him to Tatooine, put "Anakin Skywalker" on the "Father" line of his birth certificate, and did everything but paint a target on his forehead. They figured that Darth Vader would expend all his energies chasing down his son, and therefore the possibility that he had more than one offspring would never occur to him. Luke lived the happy life of a decoy while Leia surreptitiously changes the fate of the universe through politics, the Rebellion, and whatever else her awesome eighteen-year-old self did. And all was good, until Luke stupidly spilled the beans to his dad on the Death Star. Stupid Luke.

d) The "What's a Jedi Got To Do To Get Laid?" Theory: It was all an excuse for Obi-Wan to get some farmgirl nookie. Now we know the real reason Uncle Owen hated him so much!

e) The "What's a Jedi Got To Do To Get Laid?" Theory, version 2: It was all an excuse for Obi-Wan to get some farmboy nookie. Now we know the real reason Uncle Owen hated him so much!

f) The Psyched! theory: After dumping the babe on the doorstep, Obi-Wan spent the next ten years sending Darth Vader pictures of the baby Luke crying or picking his nose, with captions like "THIS IS UR KID!!!!!!", on quickly disappearing Yahoo mail accounts (jedi_baby@yahoo.com). Vader was so annoyed by how much they screwed up his spam filter, and how wimpy the kid seemed to be, that he refused to acknowledge his relationship with Luke until Luke actually did something cool.

g) The Shame theory: Obi-Wan and Yoda knew full well that the one planet in the universe that the snot-nosed whiny teenager in the inexplicably bad-ass suit wouldn't be caught dead on was Tatooine. Remember how angry Vader seemed when he caught Leia's ship in orbit around it? Just being in vicinity to the planet reminded him of all the times the mean kids would pants him. Luke was safer than safe there.

h) The Fatigue theory: Obi-Wan and Yoda had had a rough day. Most of their friends and coworkers had been slaughtered by their former protege, their lifestyle, religion, and government had been annihilated, they had both been involved in disastrous duels, and then they had to act as last-minute replacements for Padme's doula. They were too tired to think straight when it came to baby Luke's hiding place. By the time they realized how dumb-ass they were being, Aunt Beru had already bonded with the kid and changed the locks.

i) The Anger theory: Obi-Wan and Yoda had had a rough day. Most of their friends and coworkers had been slaughtered by their former protege, their lifestyle, religion, and government had been annihilated, they had both been involved in disastrous duels, and then they had to act as last-minute replacements for Padme's doula. At this point they couldn't care less what happened to Anakin's mutant offspring.

j) The Hide the Needle in the Needles Instead of the Haystack theory: Though the movies don't really get into this, there were more Skywalkers on Tatooine than there are Li's in China. And EVERYBODY had uncle named Owen, or a dad named Anakin. As a matter of fact, there were fifteen Luke Skywalkers, son of Anakin Skywalkers, in Luke's kindergarten class alone. Darth Vader would never find him there!

k) The Google-Foiling theory: Actually, it was a very cunning plan. Obi-Wan hooked up a large jack to a generator, and raised the foundations of the Lars homestead two inches higher, and three inches to the north. The Larses changed their address from 15017 Skywalker Drive to 10517 Skywalker Lane. They put Luke down on their tax forms as "Luk Skywlaker." And they wrote Luke's father's name down as "Annakin" on Luke's birth certificate, and added the little thing above the "e" in Padme. Foiled again!

l) The Jedi Are Jerks theory: "Put him in danger, we will. Build character, it does."

m) The Robot Dick theory: Darth Vader knew perfectly well where Luke was, but he didn't want to acknowledge him. He has a reputation as a stud machine to maintain. Who wants to get with a widower, tell me that?

n) The Apathy theory: As Yoda was battling the Emperor in the Senate chamber, and Obi-Wan was encouraging Anakin to jump in the lava-patch in another corner of the galaxy, they suddenly felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if a million movie-goers suddenly cried out in boredom, and got up and left their seats to pee. Yoda was so disturbed, he gave up fighting and bought some lovely swamp-side real estate on Dagobah, and Obi-Wan burst into tears and forgot to finish killing Anakin. They were in that apathetic, depressed state of mind when they decided to give Luke to the Larses.

o) The Yoda Was Working For The Dark Side All Along theory: "Really believe you that the Lord of the Sith I could not detect from one meter away? So stupid are you. To the worst guardians possible, gave we Luke, so miserable his life would be. Ha-ha-ha-mwuah!"

p) The Lost In Translation theory: Yoda had had a hard day, and felt it needed a little levity. When he told Obi-Wan to take Luke to his family on Tatooine, he was actually making an elaborate pun based on the fact that the present indicative form of "take" in his native language is the same word as "Whatever You Do, Don't Do This, You Moron!" in Bocce. It wasn't until Obi-Wan had gone that Yoda remembered that he doesn't speak Bocce. And at that point, it was too late.

q) The Dumbledore theory: They sent Luke to the Larses because they were the only family he had left. When they took him in, they sealed the charmed place upon him. While Luke still called the Lars's estate home, he could not be touched or harmed by the Emperor or Darth Vader... wait. Wrong epic.

r) The Jedi Are All Idiots theory: All of the Jedi--including former Jedi--are idiots. (rtjhnsn1)


 
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