First, a relevant quote from Uwe Boll: "If people liked
Dances With Wolves or Braveheart, they'll like
Have you seen the Dungeon
Siege movie preview? [Warning: really large download.]
Burt Reynolds as the king. I mean, the King. Hysterical, if
only Elvis was fighting goblins in sequined armor. And that
would mean at least we'd have Bruce Campbell.
You may be wondering why this review hasn't yet mentioned the
movie it's supposed to be reviewing. There's a very good reason
I'm interested in finding out what makes Uwe Boll the go-to
guy for video game movies.
Kombat and Resident
Evil were the best video game movies, in my opinion,
one because it had a sense of humor about being a film based
on a fighting game (thank you, Christopher Lambert), and the
other because it essentially made a regular horror/zombie movie,
using the video game origins as flavoring rather than as the
meal. What works about both of the above movies is that they
take themselves seriously as movies.
No, really, come on, stop laughing.
When you compare those movies to Boll's Bloodrayne
of the Dead (I'll take Gary Mitchel's word for Alone
in the Dark) it is obvious that the former are
cinematic entertainments while the latter are just glorified
video game cutscenes.
What about House of the Dead inspired producers to
pour money into Boll's coffers? I can only hope that after the
Dungeon Siege movie, the industry will come to its senses
and just make a video game about Uwe Boll making movies about
video games. At the essential plot twist, when Boll turns into
a zombie, you get to smack him over the head with a movie camera.
Well, if nothing else, Boll provides a running gig for Will
Sanderson, who was in Alone in the Dark and House
of the Dead as well. In BloodRayne, Sanderson plays
Domastir, a villain who might or might not be a vampire. (This
confusion has nothing to do with the mystery of the movie, but
simply shoddy directing, witless editing, and crappy writing.
Guinevere Turner, "writer" of BloodRayne, here's
your credit. May you live in infamy.) Strangely, Sanderson is
one of the only actors to come out of this movie with dignity,
and actually does a decent job of acting. The rest, well . . .
better put them out of their misery by avoiding the theater.
Although Billy Zane does a decent job, or is at least entertaining,
mostly because it seems he can't believe he's in this movie.
Ah, Billy, Billy, what has brought you so low?
Kristanna Loken (Rayne) is beautiful and speaks clearly, but
seems a Milla Jovovich stand-in. She appears to be cast mainly
for a long sex scene with Matt Davis (Sebastian), which is sparked
when they connect at both having lost parents to vampires. This
is what character development is made of.
I love watching bad movies. I especially like watching bad
movies in the theater, because I'm always amazed at how they
snuck in there. But this? The movie had a lot of money, some
amazing equipment (there are a lot of beautiful shots), some
name actors (Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez),
but no one behind the camera.
At least, I wish that was the case. When the final fight scene
involves cuts in the action that seem like your computer's frame
rate just dropped to one picture a second, and this was done
on purpose, there's a problem. Boll tends to throw in
visual effects to no purpose except to spur epileptic fits.
And while I'm having a fit, what's with the vampires in this
movie? Why are people afraid of them? Apparently being a vampire
means nothing except you live forever unless you go out in the
sun, wear a cross, touch water, or someone kills you. No strength,
no transformations (except into ugliness, a la Buffy),
no magnetism, no nothing except a bad sense of style that is
apparently genetic, since Rayne shares it.
For his next video game to movie project, Boll should tackle
a real cinematic challenge like, say, Gauntlet.