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Subspace: So-Called "Cheese"
Hosted by Joe Crowe, July 05, 2005

This is Joe. I love you.

Oh, and here are some letters. First up, a call to action:

Subject: BOYCOTT WAR OF THE WORLDS

Because of Tom Cruise's recent zealous, irrational and completely irresponsible attack on the psychiatry, psychiatric medicine and psychology--despite belonging to a cult that specializes in brain-washing, himself--I am participating in an active campaign to boycott War of the Worlds, and have agreed to post the boycott organizer's manifesto here. The details of this boycott are as follows:

THE MISSION:

Forgo seeing the Tom Cruise film "The War of the Worlds" on opening weekend (July 4th).

THE PURPOSE

Primarily - because Tom Cruise has leapt so far off of the deep end over the past 3 months that he needs to be reeled back into reality ASAP.

Secondly - most people do not know that the reason that so many films are only hyped for the first 3 weeks is because the studios receive the largest percentage of the box office receipts during that time frame. After 3 weeks the percentage that goes to the movie houses becomes greater and greater.

If a majority of people boycott War of the Worlds (180 million dollar budget) for the 1st, 2 or 3 weekends it will send 2 very specific messages to Hollywood studios.

1. We are sick of Tom Cruise and his media hype circus.

2. Give theater owners a larger percentage of the profits from the initial release or continue funding advertising for the films past the 3-week mark.

With your help the message that can be heard the World over, is that the War has just begun.

THE UNDERSTANDING:

I am only calling for this boycott for the first 2 weeks of release. After that I hope this film makes 300= million dollars (Domestic BO).

I have no intention of punishing theater owners for running this film.

Do you know in the first week of release approximately 90% of the profits of a film go to the studio?

Why do you think studios want movies running on 9,000 screens in 4,000 theaters?

Why do you think that after 3 weeks the films are only running on 1,500 screens or less?

Why do you think you have to watch commercials in movie theaters nowadays?

How do you think theater owners make a living?

Why is there a multi-plex on every block?

Hollywood needs a wake up call.

This is your chance to be a part of that. (thezodiac@sympatico.ca)

WHOO! Suck on that, 30 minutes of commercials before my movie starts!

Here are a couple from the "Praise, Good Stuff" file:

Subject: Dave Sutherland

What a great article about Dave Sutherland. My first Dungeons and Dragons book was the blue one with the dragon. It offered a whole new world: one that I only wish I can visit more often now that I'm grown up.

Goodbye sir, but I'm sure there'll be a gaming group where you're going -- and I know they'll need someone to draw their characters. (harrok@bigpond.net.au)

That's something every gaming group could use. Artists, we need you!

Subject: The Gray Boat

Just had to comment on this week's fiction, "The Gray Boat." What an intriguing story! I enjoyed it thoroughly, and look forward to reading more of the author's work. My only complaint (if one is necessary) is that the story wasn't longer! Thanks for a thought-provoking read!(S.E. Wallace)

And here is the Complaint Department:

Subject: Howl's Moving Castle review

What the hell is a collage student? Otherwise a great review. (arschi99@yahoo.com)

A collage student is one that studies art. But thanks fr caching tht typo fot us. Next!

Subject: Japanese Dooky and Chu-Baka

The guy who mentioned that Dooku is reminiscent of the Japanese word for poison, /doku/, has a good point, although it would've sounded a lot cooler if it were pronounced the Japanese way.

My daughter (whose first language is Japanese) pointed out to me years ago, when we were watching the first movie together (shortly before she fell asleep halfway through — even Han couldn't keep her awake), that Chewbacca in Japanese means "kiss idiot" — in fact, that's what a lot of Japanese people think his name is supposed to mean. That doesn't really make any more sense than calling a big hairy Wookie a chaw of tobacky, though. We'll just have to wait until Chewie goes on Oprah to learn the truth. (davidfarnell)

I thought the "kiss idiot" was Paul Stanley.

Just kidding, Paul! "I Stole Your Love" is awesome!

Subject: Batman Begins

Wow. Best. Batman. Movie. Ever. Thank you, Lord, for bestowing this piece of movie magic upon our humble souls. (soulcalibergirl)

That's going a little too far. We're not humble.

Subject: Batmobile Begins?

What's up with that crappy-ass Batmobile? It looks like the Governator's Hummer. I want my slick impossible armor-plated rocket Bat car, dammit! (lightningbolt)

I thought that was slick and impossible and armor plated. Hey . . . did you walk into Bewitched by accident?

Subject: Batmovie

Hello, Batman movie. I think I met someone who looks kind of like you a few years ago, but it's nice to meet you at last. You're a lot more stylish and dark than I expected, but that's a good thing. Well, hope to see you again soon. (arc_highbeam)

I just want to see Gary Oldman back in that caterpillar moustache.

Subject: Man-Thing

As a kid- I lived for Marvel comics and my 1 question with this whole thing is why would Marvel even try a Man-Thing movie when there a re at least 20-30 more popular comic characters that they could have done instead. As for the movie itself- it wasn't too bad with the super low budget they had to work with. I would have to say it put the 1st fantastic four movie to shame (and I see why that never even made it to dvd)

Where are the "Man-Thing" fans? Good question. I am one of them, and when I first heard what was going on with this adaptation, I was dismayed. Was I excited over the hiring of Brett Leonard? No. "Virtuosity" may have been okay, but Leonard was the director who allowed to rape Dean Koontz' novel "Hideaway", and while I thought the extended director's cut was alright, having Stepen King's name on "The Lawnmower Man" wasn't great since only a few scenes could remotely be connected to the King short story.

He should stay away from adaptations. And the four star treatment Marvel gave Hans Rodinoff, the writer of the MT flick is absurd. Hopefully, there will be a Sci-Fi pictures sequel, in which someone makes the real film.

Look, I'm fine when Spider-Man has organic web shooters. But having Man-Thing attack Friday The 13th type kids down under passing for the Everglades (most of the cast didn't hide New Zealand and Aussie accents) is insulting. Not to mention Rawri Pantene is in the film and wasted. Rawri is a terrific actor -see Whale Rider- but... I think the film should have been called "Sallis" myself, because the "Man Thing" title might not lead confusion to DC's Swamp Thing, but with the upcoming Fantastic Four and the Sci-Fi pictures upcoming film sequel to John Carpenter's "The Thing". (darrenlives@highstream)

I don't really think the title was the problem. Otherwise, they would have confused it with The Sweetest Thing or That Thing You Do. (Which is about Ben Grimm's girlfriend Alicia.)

Subject: About Joe's Man-Thing review, from Anime Guy Kevin

"Like he's long deserved, I thought Man-Thing would be getting the cheesy, goofy movies like his mucky brother. But nope. The poor sod."

For that pun, Joe, I KEEL you!

Joe says: I feel really bad about that. Normally I sternly frown upon the pun. But I was weak. I have sinned against Comedy! Oh, here come the tears. . . .

And now, a veritable plethora of letters. Here's your instant preview: "Let's leave Tori Spelling out of this."

Subject: Sky Captain

I read lots of names of old shows from which Sky Captain drew inspiration. Does no one remember Underdog and Sweet Polly Purebred? I see clear connections (as clear as with Indiana Jones) between that old cartoon and this movie. Even in the name of the reporter Polly! Perhaps no one else does. Perhaps not even the director/writer! (drjulia)

Jayme Blaschke says: Oh, come on. He's reaching here. Does Sky Captain ever say "In the secret compartment of my ring I fill with the Sky Captain super-energy pill"? He's not a shoe-shine boy in real life. Totenkompf is a poor stand-in for Simon Bar-Sinister. "Speed of lightning, roar of thunder, Fighting all who rob and plunder. Underdog!" He don't know from Underdog.

Joe says: I'm picturing Angelina Jolie right now, dressed as Tennessee Tuxedo.

Aaaaand I'm done.

Subject: New Battlestar

it's absolute garbage. i love that so-called "cheesy" space opera. the original series has been around nearly thirty years now and still has a loyal following. let's see if anyone knows who katie sackhoff is thirty years from now. As for the new show being dramatic, if i want gritty realism, terrorist plots and the threat of nuclear holocaust, i'll look at the world outside my door. Long live innocent, cheesy escapism. The Galactica's new serial number should be 90210 (cmdrrand@yahoo)

Let's leave Tori Spelling out of this.

Subject: Land of the Dead

All of that energy wasted on wanking about George Lucas finishing his latest trilogy, and not a peep about the Other George finishing HIS series. Where the hell are my Land of the Dead BBQ sandwiches at 7-11 and my Land of the Dead action figures? Why aren't we seeing crowds of people dressed up as their favorite Romero film characters waiting in line for the first showings on June 24? Most importantly, why aren't Time and Entertainment Weekly putting what's promising to be the best documentary about life in Dallas, Texas ever made on their front covers?

That's right, I forgot. It's because George Romero fans have a sense of perspective, and George himself wouldn't whore himself at a moment's notice for another few dimes to be collected by selling Night of the Living Dead Pop-tarts or Dawn of the Dead Underoos. Never mind. (sclerotic_rings)

I personally would love some Dawn of the Dead underoos.

Here's one from the "Plug, Cheap" File:

Subject: Duncan Long

Just discovered your wonderful REVOLUTIONsf and have put up a link to you from my page at: http://duncanlong.com/science-fiction-fantasy/stories.html

As you may know, I have had SF novels published with Avon and Harpercollins. I'm hoping you might alert your readers to my free SF novels available for download at: http://www.duncanlong.com/e-books.html

And of my SF (and fantasy and horror) artwork at: http://www.duncanlong.com/art.html

Thanks so much and keep up the good work!

Indeed we shall. Hopefully, while wearing Dawn of the Dead underoos. Get on the stick, people!

Subject: R2D2 flying

"At no point is it addressed why R2-D2 can fly in the prequels but not in the original films. I mean, if R2 was from a world with a red sun, and gained powers of flight under the influence of a yellow sun's rays, that'd be one thing. I'd buy that. But not being able to fly in the original movies? That's just dumb." (Quoting Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Erm, R2-D2 spent the next twenty years involved in a resistance movement where all the spare parts got put into repairing crappy Y-Wings. Notice how the Blockade runner in Episode 4 and the one in Episode 3 are missing bits? That's the Rebel Alliance's repair crew for you, all duct tape and good will.

Do people really think the Rebels would have kept C-3PO around if they weren't REALLY short of protocol droids? (utopos)

What? Did his dithering and blithering bother you? Or are you some kind of droidist? He was the only droid who didn't go "Roger, roger" or "Boooo-WHEEEEP." I found him refreshing and worthy of teddy bear worship.

Subject: House of Wax remake

ER... not quite true. Price's House of Wax was actually a remake of the 1933 Mystery of the Wax Museum with Fay Wray (yes, that Fay Wray) and Lionel Atwill (Inspector Krogh from Son of Frankenstein.). Although the 1933 original had some charm, Price's remake was (IMHO) far superior... mostly because it was my first 3D film viewed in a movie theater. (scuthbert@comcast.net)

Coincidentally, the first movie I ever saw in a theater was reviewed right here not long ago: Lt. Robin Crusoe.

I think you have me beat. Unless yours also has Dick Van Dyke in short pants.

And lastly we have a WINNER in our INSTANT REVOLUTIONSF CONTEST from a couple of Subspaces ago.

Back then, some guy (I'll call him Wetblanket R. Dingleberry) wrote me a lovely letter about my review of the last episodes of Enterprise:

To the person who worte the reviews of the last few enterpriase epsiodes, What is your problem!!! ITS JUST A TV SHOW!!!!!!! I love Star Trek just as much as anyone and I recon I am a hardened fan, BUT its just a show. Why attack the writers producers etc. There just trying to wrote a story, If you dont like it dont watch it but stop moaning your arse off!! What a Loser, No wonder my wife thinks all Star Trek fans are losers.

The contest was to respond to the guy. Winner gets the new CD from the rockin' Star Trek-themed rock band Warp 11. Here are some bits from they who played:

Subject: Instant Contest

... And that was a review of a TV show, which means it talks about the good and/or bad points of the show. Sometimes, believe it or not, reviews are not completely positive. Saying something is "just" a TV show is meaningless, and certainly no reason NOT to call a pile of crap a pile of crap. Otherwise there would be no point in writing any reviews of TV shows. (superdave)

Subject: Instant Contest

...First off you do realize that you're at a science fiction site don't you?

The question of why Mr. Crowe decided to write about the last two episodes of the series is pretty obvious to anyone observant enough to note the name of the site is RevolutionSF. If the name was Revolution-hot-Russian-babes.com, [That was our next choice. — Shane Ivey, editor] the subject would be a bit odd, but there there's a place for it.

"Why attack the writers producers etc." Besides just being good clean fun there's the fact that much of the viewer's suffering can be blamed on these folks. Who else is there to blame? The dog-wrangler? The make-up people? The beagle never attacked anyone that we know of at least. (KC)

And here's our winner:

Subject: To the person who said Star Trek was just a TV show

To the person who said star trek was just a tv show: How can u say that star trek is just a tv show? How can u claim to be a real fan and not BELIVE IT IS ALL REAL???!!

And also, how can u not want to scream at the producers and writers for making our star trek friends do such crappy things?? They might have been just trying to wrote a story as you say but it was a crappy story and it sucked so that star trek sucked and because it is all real then the poor people on the Enterprise sucked. And in the last episode it made the people on the Enterprise D suck too, so that meant it was twice as sucky and crappy.

We fans cannot take this lieing down. Because it was the last ever episode these writers have left our friends lying in piles of sucking crap and they cant get out because there wont be a next episode. That triple sucks, and u know it!! It is only heroes like this reviewer who are trying to save our friends from the sucky crappiness. He should get a medal, or a date with Seven of 9 or something.

Also nobody can moan their arse off. If u watch any medical programmes on tv u would know that. There are some bones and stuff that stop your arse coming off no matter how much you moan. Arses coming off by moaning is a dangerous myth. Dr McCoy would tell you that if he hadn't tragically died.

if your wife thinks all star trek fans are losers and you are a star trek fan??? That does not sound like a stable relationship like riker and troi have. It sound more like troi and worf. I hope you do not have kids because then they would be like Wesley Crusher.

A true fan. (Ian Watson)

And with that, I bid thee adieu. Join me next time when I'll say, "Oh yeah? Well, I RECON I'm a hardened fan, too!"

Let's see if RevolutionSF humor editor Joe Crowe knows who Katie Sackhoff is thirty years from now.

 
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