2005.04.15 — Boone: Why We Care
By Shane Ivey, © 2005

WARNING: I don’t usually go in for spoilers, but here it is. If you aren’t caught up on the latest Lost episodes, just quit reading now. Go on. I won’t be held responsible for any ruination of suspense. You’ve been warned.

It’s been a little more than a week since Boone, one of the handsome young men of Lost, gave up the ghost. He was out scrounging through a tree-bound plane wreck with Locke, the vision-prone survivalist guru with a family history of schizophrenia, when the plane fell out of the tree and smashed Boone up. Doctor Jack pulled out all the stops to save him, including a Gilligan’s Island-style blood transfusion, but nothing worked.

We felt your pain.

I noticed a strange thing in water-cooler talk after the episode. Men were sorry to see Boone go. Women weren’t much affected one way or the other.

That puzzled me for a while. Then I remembered Boone’s last words: “Tell Shannon I l. . . .”

Shannon, of course, is the stepsister with whom Boone had been in nonbrotherly love since childhood. Totally unrequited nonbrotherly love — except for this one time in Australia, after which she told him, “Let’s go back to how it was before.” Yeah: Ouch.

And it hit me: That’s why we men care about Boone’s death. We’ve all been Boone.

I mean, who else is there to identify with? Sawyer? He steals things and gets gonorrhea from hookers. Doctor Jack? He’s a superhero. Lottery-winning Hurley? There’s nothing wrong with him that, say, a few months on a desert island wouldn’t cure. (Unless . . . the island doesn’t want him to lose weight!) Sayid? He used to work for Saddam Hussein. Jin? He’s a mafia legbreaker. Michael? His son’s got psychic powers. Charlie is a heroin-addict former rock star. And Locke is some kind of Jedi survivalist shaman psycho. How do you identify with that?

Why aren’t you thin yet?!

But at one time or another, every guy has had a Shannon to deal with — that gorgeous girl who didn’t love you but sure loved screwing with your head. And poor Boone never quite got over it. Because Shannons don’t go away that easy, no matter how many times you get messed around, and no matter how many fake boar hunts you go on with the local survivalist shaman psycho.

“Tell Shannon I l. . . .”

We know you do, Boone, you poor dead bastard. We know.

Bonus Tune: You Have Entered . . .

Speaking of unrequited obsession, Smallville is back in new episodes. Lovestruck Chloe is still angling for some of Clark’s good time. Lana is still gazing with wistful vulnerability at everything in sight. Clark is still dumb as a rock. (Chloe: “Clark, for crying out loud, I know you have superpowers.” Clark: [Looks like he wonders if she’s implying something.])

One new development, sort of, thanks to the inevitable Lex Gets Split Into a Good Version and a Bad Version storyline: After being smacked around by Evil Lex, Lionel Luthor is back to being evil himself. Finally! Plus, Evil Lex put the sexual harassment moves on Lana. Then Lex got rejoined and didn’t remember any of it. More angst for Lex!

Coming up: On Lost, Doctor Jack goes nuts on Locke. On Smallville, the girls all go psycho (again) on Clark. On Alias, somebody’s long-dead relative turns up (again) alive and evil.

And Battlestar Galactica — not til July. Dammit.

In the meantime, where have you been tuned?




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Shane Ivey is managing editor of RevolutionSF. More angst for Shane!

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