So I'm sitting here same as I always do on Friday night, in the dark in front of my computer, all alone, dripping wet and reeking of Arby's cheese sticks...

Oopsie! I thought this was my blog! Here are some letters you people sent to RevolutionSF.

First up: Check out this link.

Albedo One, a science fiction, fantasy, and horror magazine published out of Ireland, is hosting a short story contest. Go to www.albedo1.com for the whys and wherefores. The winner gets 1,000 euros, and baby, that'll buy me lots of bangers and mash.

And now a word from our former comics editor, Kenn "Dont' Call Me Puddin'" McCracken:

Subject: Oh, help, I've just scared myself. And scarred 2.

So I took this Geek test, thinking to prove that when I left RevolutionSF a few years back, I was leaving Nerddom behind. And I scored 69.62525%. And this ain't golf, damn it.

What did you all do to me? Just because I read comics, watch too many movies, and know way too much about computers does not make me a "Geek God." Oh, but the fact that I played D&D a few years back, that might.

Shoot. Sorry to interrupt. Back to your usual shenanigans. I'll be over here, watching the Easter Eggs on my LOTR discs. Again, (kenn@insomniactive.com)

Whoo! All that subliminal-style whispering in your ears while you slept at your desk did the trick.

That's all we did to your ears while you were asleep. Promise.

Subject: Fox / Variety deal

This deal is the lowest, skankiest thing I have ever heard. Motherf!$##!@#$%'s!!! What next? What?! (nohx1013@netscape.net)

Me telling you it's a satire. Although, in defense of yourself and others, we didn't label it as such anywhere except the title bar up on top of the browser. Perhaps it is instead WE who are the motherf!$##!@#$%'s.

Subject: Upcoming movies

Well, while I agree with most of your movie sentiments, especially the WETA Smaug, I gotta say that I actually have hopes for Blade III and A Sound of Thunder. I saw the trailers (including the R rated trailer for Blade) at the San Diego ComicCon. I was impressed. I don't know if that means I'm setting myself up for disappointment or what, but they both seemed pretty good.

On Blade, they're bringing in the Nightstalkers (finally) and have already started talk of a spin-off movie series (woohoo). As for ASOT, I don't know if it was meeting Bradbury himself at the con or what, but I'll be in line for tickets too.

December, ah, no more LOTR, except: the special edition dvd with 50 extra minutes of footage including Saruman's cut scenes. WAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!! AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER! HA! NEVER! BILBO IN 2007! (phulezcompany@aol.com)

Oh, yeah. Forgot about that. But I am not freaking out in anticipation at all. Nope, no pre-freaking, not for me. FIFTY MINUTES?! SARUMAN! 78 MORE ENDINGS! MORE HOBBITS SINGING! (I can only hope.)

Subject: The geek-thing

Sorry fellas but I'm not a geek, but then again I'm not cool either. Even among misfits I'm a misfit so there it is. The secret is out.

On a Treky note though, I feel that the idea sould be placed in a mayonnaise jar and set on Funk & Wagnall's back porch for a decade or two until there's a new generation of talent that can breathe new life into the genre. You know what I mean, someone who is so far removed from what is being done with it these days that it'll be new and fresh and well, fun again. That also goes for Lucas's Star Wars thingy. (capndunzzl@yahoo.com)

Ah, once again, the siren song of the totally geeked -- "I'm not a geek, I'm not a geek." You have to own it, my friend. OWN IT, I said.

Subject: Star Trek (yeah, again)

The problems listed in Subspace are really only the symptoms of what's wrong with Trek. The real disease goes deeper. In the '60's Gene Roddenberry took risks, not just with the skimpy outfits, but with the scripts, with where he took the audience. Some of those shows sucked beans, but the good ones had a touch that stayed with you. Few people are going to say that there are not a few Twilight Zone story lines running around in their heads, and the same goes for some of the plots from Trek. They struck a chord and that is the real problem, the current few series have only given us fluff with no meaning. (scifi lurker)

Wait. Are you telling me blue goop means nothing to you? Hands covering boobs means nothing to you? Scott Bakula means nothing to you?

Subject: I, Robot review

I just wanted to thank Jayme Lynn Blaschke for his review/ description/ commentary regarding the new I, Robot film, and also thanks to all those who work to keep this site up.

I was really jazzed when I heard about the film, but after seeing the first trailers, I feared the film would not follow any of Asimov's original plot lines from the story collection. Most of the reviews state that the film is "loosely based" on Asimov's work, which I thought sounded dubious. Mr. Blaschke's article was the first I was able to find on the internet which confirms my suspicions. I love Will Smith, and I dig action sci-fi movies, so I'll probably end up seeing it after it comes out on DVD, but I'll do it knowing what I'm getting myself into. I hope that the jist of Mr. Blaschke's commentary makes it into the mainstream media in some form or other, so that folks who don't know any better will realize that the film I, Robot really doesn't have much to do with the short story collection.

Thanks again! (zphebusz@yahoo.com)

You're welcome. On a similar note:

Subject: I, Robot: The other perspective

http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=i_robot

Sadly, it's mostly true. (rougewisp@hotmail.com)

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, what hath you wrought?

Subject: Michelle Forbes article

FWIW, I think Michelle Forbes is a good actress; however, you have to be corrected. Ensign Ro Laren was NOT a Cardassian, she was a Bajoran. Her countrywoman was Major Kira Nyris, the second in command to Ben Sisko on DS-9. (n9sqt@att.net)

Fixed and fixed indeed. No one will ever know I made such a mistake. No one at all... On the other hand, you have to admit that I was pretty close.

It's not like I called her a Horta.

Subject: Can you count? Do geeks care?

You wrote:

"...[Warner] too, are telling fans to ram it, cram it, and also rotate it... [Warner's] 'Batman' is five-star excellent, one of the greatest action series ever, animated or not, and it's getting gypped just the same. They are only releasing 'Batman: The Animated Series' in insulting 4-episode chunks. There are 85 'Batman: TAS' episodes. That's going to take a while."

But um, I ah, own this DVD set. And um.... it has 28 EPISODES split between the 4 DVDs. So it seems you were misinformed?

Besides.... REAL fanboys wouldn't even care if they were in 4-episode sets.... Witness the people who buy the Star Wars 2-DVD (yes I said TWO dvd) "Saga DVD Pack" boxed set because it comes in a fancy cardboard box that "will be collectible one day"... even though they're just going to buy the three-dvd set when the next movie comes out.

Or all the people who have bought the theatrical versions AND the extended versions of the first two LOTR movies, and are wearing out their ROTK theatrical versions in anticipation of the extended edition of THAT one, and who will ALSO go out and buy the seventeen-dvd set of extended editions when they come out in a special box with a fancy little statue or ugly bookend or titanium core hand etched gold coated one ring 95% scale replica or strand of hair from Sam's feet or whatever it will be.

If even normals, who don't share the obsession/compulsion of your typical fanboy, will fall for that (look forward to it!) without complaining, what kind of fanboy worth his salt gets to complain about getting his feast meted out to him in itty bitty bite sized chunks? At least they're making DVDs of YOUR favorite shows... some of us don't even have that... (nospam@ethuilathelas.com)

Not misinformed at all -- that article was written before the release of the Bat-DVDs you mention. But your noting our obsessive hoarding is accurate. Besides, if I didn't complain, the empty shelves in my bookcase, longing to be stocked with sci-fi DVDs, would complain themselves.

Subject: Jack Black as Green Lantern

What a godawful filking idea. It doesn't surprise me, however... corporate entities are all moronic in their lemming-like march to appease the lowest common denominator -- i.e. the movie-going imbeciles that comprise the most coveted demographic. (scuthbert@comcast.net)

Looks like somebody just saw "Catwoman."

Or "I, Robot."

Well, really, it could have been anything.

Subject: Jack Black as Green Lantern

As far as all of the whimpering and whining about what an abomination the alleged Jack Black "Green Lantern" is going to be, I'll actually believe it when it actually hits the marquee. First things first, anyone who trusts anything that comes from Ain't I A Fat Fanboy News deserves what they get:

Harry Palms actually reported on the 1996 fake GL movie (the one with Mel Gibson, Michael Dorn, and Denis Leary as Hal Jordan, John Stewart, and Guy Gardner respectively) as a real event, and this one probably has less reality to it than that deliberate hoax.

I guess it begs the bigger question: why the hell is anyone worried about it in the first place? If the final product sucks as badly as everyone seems to think it will, will it honestly stop the hundreds of fanboys who will see it over and over again just to wank on movie boards about how bad it is? If they're so blasted worried about it not being what they want it to be, why don't they collect their pennies, buy the rights to make a GL film, and do it themselves? (Oh, that's right: I keep forgetting that Cat Piss Men are generally so cheap that they use both sides of the toilet paper. Even when they decide to be proactive instead of starting letter-writing campaigns, we end up with gibberish like "Dungeons & Dragons" instead of anything that might be of interest to diehard fans AND interested bystanders.)

Sorry if this seems a bit harsh, but I've had a good two dozen people e-mail me this "news" in the last week, and I'm actually GLAD to say "I honestly don't care." You don't know how nice it is to be able to say "Jeezus, don't you have anything better to do with your life than worry about crap skiffy and superhero movies?" (sclerotic_rings@livejournal.com)

I'm beginning to care very much about your not caring.

Subject: Mad, Mad House

You are so on point with your review of MAD MAD House, it should have aired on day time TV right after Ricki Lake. The guests seemed hand picked parodies of our culture's darkest nightmares:

1. The 'lame ass', dumb as a pile of nails' good ole boy

2. The psycho-neurotic/border line religious fanatic fatty

3. The manipulative sex slave/dependent exotic dancer

4. Spoiled, beautiful, rich attention addict

5. Middle American moma

6. Value/Identity Conflicted American Black

7. All American Nordic goof-off with a conscience, and saddest

8. The odd man out with a scar

Is is just me or have we seen the ex-dancer on Jane Schmo, and the rich girl has been on several shows... nothing too 'Reality' about any of those shows. (imjduvall@msn.com)

Good job with the 8 categories. I see you've met the RevolutionSF staff?

Subject: Zombie movies

Which of the new "modern" zombie movies are more worth my money? 28 Days Later or Dawn of the Dead (2004)? Bear in mind that I already own all the classic Romero films, and love em to pieces. (deadmole2002@yahoo.com)

Go with "28 Days Later," if you're of a more refined taste in creeping undead. It's more subtle, and much creepier. But if you just want to see people get their brains eaten, just come by my house on Fridays.