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I Spent The Night With Mazinga, Shogun Warrior
© Chris McCaleb
August 08, 2003

I'd always been a bit of a sucker for a man that wasn't afraid to dress with style. And the fact that he had those giant, gleaming metallic glide-wings welded right to his back I have to admit did a lot for me.

It's the kind of wardrobe flair that really turns my head. Call me a romantic, or call me an idiot -- I'm just that kind of girl.

I had actually run into him on the street a few times when he happened to be working near my building. But this was long before I'd worked up the nerve to do anything about it.

I knew I'd never be able to pull off "accidentally" bumping into him again some time or "accidentally" being threatened by Godzilla -- so I did what I normally do in these circumstances: I took out an ad in the "Missed Connections" section of the Daily Yomiuri.

YOU: Defeated Rodan yesterday as it tried to create a giant nest in the top of the office building I work in.

I: Was nearly burned to death by afterburners when you shot a rocket right into Rodan's face. Was it just me, or were things heating up between us even without the rocket exhaust? Thought I detected more than just a metallic gleam in your eye as you passed my way afterwards. Be at the Asahi Sushi Bar n' Grille Wednesday at 10 for drinks and... whatever... if I'm not wrong.

Silly, I know. But nothing ventured... Besides, it wouldn't be the first time I'd sat all night alone in Asahi waiting for some robotic titan to show up. And then when he showed up at Asahi after all (!!!), I was a complete tongue-tied idiot. It didn't help that he just sat there and didn't say ONE WORD the entire time.

I even tried doing a "footsie" routine with him under the table -- what am I, in eighth grade?!? I can't even stand that term!!! - but no reaction from Mr. Steel. Well, his feet are gargantuan metallic boots the size of my apartment -- so to be fair he probably couldn't feel it.

I was starting to get a little annoyed, (Are ALL the Shogun Warriors this shy? Why couldn't I have gotten a crush on Daimos or Gaiking?!?) not to mention a crick in my neck from craning to see his face twenty stories up.

But then a jet flew into the restaurant, made some kind of docking procedure in the back of his head, and he perked right up. He even ordered for me. All right!

Later, at my place, I thought about making some kind of suggestive comment about his detachable hands and what other attachments he came with, but thank God I thought better of it. Why do I have to be so forward?

Then -- OH GOD -- I made the mistake of mentioning that I'd once gone out with a guy that could Transform from a Semi into a giant robot spider. Mazinga didn't say a word -- just rolled his eyes.

Or did he? I don't know, his eyes were twenty stories up and covered with metal. But I think he did. Anyway, I shouldn't have mentioned a previous boyfriend on a first date. Not to mention one that was ALSO a giant shape-shifting robot. Great, now Mazinga's going to think I just have some kind of fetish.

So he ended up staying the night, which was another disaster -- let's just say there weren't a lot of rockets going off between us. I don't know why -- maybe because the instructions were all in Japanese, which is Greek to me. Why am I such an idiot? How many times do I have to do this to myself before I find a nice guy?

We went out for a few more weeks, but I could tell he wasn't listening to me when I talked, mainly because the jet plane that served as his brain and control center would always fly away about five minutes into the conversation. No wonder Shogun Warriors never have girlfriends.

Chris McCaleb is a short filmmaker. By that, I mean that he makes short films. And he is small in stature. Behold his works at www.handeye.net. Artwork © Rob Mansperger.

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