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Subspace: Who Are You Calling Stupid?
Hosted by Joe Crowe, August 09, 2003

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This week's edition of Subspace brought to you by this RevolutionSF T-shirt.

So we’ll be at DragonCon 2003, in Atlanta, GA on Labor Day weekend this year. And here's the deal.

We want you to wear this shirt. We want you to own this really fun shirt so badly, that if you ARE wearing this shirt -- we will NOT hug you.

That's right. Introduce yourselves to us while not wearing the Yo Mama's So Fat It Takes 2 Rings To Bind Her shirt, and you're going to get a big ol' sweaty hug.

We here at RevolutionSF bathe frequently. Maybe too frequently. So the odds are that a hug from us will be more pleasant than, say, the hug from that kid with the dragon on his shoulder. But DON'T LET THAT STOP YOU FROM BUYING THE SHIRT.

If you ARE wearing the shirt, however, not only do you get to opt out of physical contact with us, but we will then shower you -- with a RevolutionSF Care Package of Great Geeky Value. What's in it? How do we know? We haven't put it together yet. It will have books and Fun Things, probably legal in most of these United States.

So what will it be? The hug or the stuff? Maybe we'll hug you with the Just-Friends Back-Pat. And maybe we won't. We're going to spread the love whether you like it or not, pally.

Subject: A “Dear John” Letter to John Doe

Thanks for passing along the secret to John Doe. Not that I cared -- I didn't -- but it's funny to imagine how filking angry people would have been after they'd waded through years of red herrings and dead ends on the series only to reach that lame final note. (Okay, the final note might not have been all that lame in theory, but you know they would have found a way to make it so by the time all was said and done.) Just the acting alone on John Doe was enough to make my teeth hurt in places I didn't think even had nerve endings. Ah, well. Let the John Doe watchers (all three of you) weep while I watch The Dead Zone and wait for my nifty Firefly DVDs to be released. Good times. Good times. :) (ahsturgis@mindspring.com)

Let us also note the passing, as of this fall season, of Fox’s Friday Night Sci-Fi Death Zone! It’s going to become an all-comedy night.

Which isn’t to say they won’t screw sitcom fans over by showing 3 episodes of those shows, and then canceling them.

Meanwhile, for Fox’s new Sci-Fi Death Zone, let us look no earlier in the week than Thursday. There we will find the soon-to-be-unemployed-again Eliza Dushku in “Tru Calling.”

I say it again: Set those VCRs. If you think you might like a show with her in it, then tape it now, and forever clutch that tape in your greedy little hands.

Me, I’m only going to watch shows that have been on 30 or 40 years or more. Hello, “Everybody Loves Raymond”!

Subject: On Pudding and Cheap F...s

Greeting yips! I have not written for a while, seeing as how most people haven't made me want to comment for a while, but I did see two things this time which require comment.

First, on Evil Pudding: You neglected to mention the Oscar-winning (*cough*) sci fi classic "The STUFF", about evil fro-yo (which is usually the case with fro from yo). Garrett Morris as a hero!! How could it miss?

The other is the young gentleman who didn't like the fact that we could review portions of the latest rip-off from Wizards of the Freakin Coast, an update to D&D, called 3.5. Well, chief, if the fine folks who have sucked so much money out of the pockets of children like you for Magic cards want to give a little back, fine. My suggestion however, is to tell them to stuff it and go with Hero Games, a much better company.

One foxes opine, which will incur much wrath from the gaming munchkins. (sylverfoxy@hotmail.com)

Garrett Morris = genius. Let no one ever forget. He was the Tim Meadows of the 1970s.

Subject: LOTR game review

This is in reference to Shane Ivey's revolutionsf.com review of the LotR game from Decipher.

Shane, I couldn't agree with you more about non-Maiar becoming Istari; it's a really bad idea. I could see the order they describe coming into being, but Tolkien himself (posthumously) contradicts this idea by apparently making Aragorn the closest thing Gandalf has to a disciple (at least it always seemed so to me). Again, you're either a Maiar or you're not; it can't really be trained.

M'self, think I'd just force all Magician-hopefuls to begin play as Loremasters. It seems appropriately Tolkienish to me, as each of the Istari was a master of a particular lore: Gandalf, of languages and cultures; Saruman, of any technical craft; and Radagast, of nature.

As for the Fellowship not being in the book, remember that Decipher also puts out the LotR RPG ADVENTURE Game, which is chock full'a nothing but canon characters. This was the big deal in the beginning of the LotR RPG Core Book: now you could play chars OTHER THAN the Fellowship. Guess they wanted to keep the book down in size by not reprinting the party? Guess it also means you'd have to buy the Adventure Game to get the Fellowship's stats. Hmmm . . . (klayven@aol.com)

Shane responds:

You have to buy a separate game to get the Fellowship's stats? If that was an intentional sales ploy on Decipher's behalf, I'm disappointed -- it's both greedy ("You already paid $40; what's another $20 between friends?") and poorly done (in that they didn't actually say WHERE you could find those stats in the LOTR RPG core book). And the Istari thing, yeah. Tolkien clearly described non-Maiar magicians in his books -- the Mouth of Sauron and Beorn come immediately to mind -- but there was never any hint that the Istari, the Order of Wizards, was anything but Gandalf and Saruman and the other three, and Gandalf was the only one we that we know for sure did anything worth a damn.

And that was the whole point: The constant traffic in power and secrets corrupted even the immortal wizards in many subtle ways, driving Saruman to outright villainy and pulling the others away from their original goal, the opposition of Sauron. If it's now Gandalf and Saruman and the other three Maiar and a few dozen humans, well, it kind of dilutes the impact of the Order's involvement, doesn't it?

And for all you non-RPG non-Tolkien-geeks out there who've been trying to follow along: Darn it, I heard "Gigli" tanked at the box office! I hope this doesn't ruin things for BA-Lo!

Now, you may have heard that the people who make THIS Web site used to make ANOTHER Web site. It was all about science fiction stuff and it was funny sometimes, only instead of being about a Revolution it was about Zealots.

This has been a Context Moment. You are now prepared for our next letter.

Subject: top 10

I used to love the top 10 on the old zealot website. c'mon, do it here... c'mon, guys... I'm a pretty girl who likes sci-fi, I get what I want usually... (dravenjoke@aol.com)

Well… I dunno if maybe you’ve seen the Funny List here on the site. Since it’s the exact same thing as those old top ten lists, except I call it a Funny List. Since that’s what it is. Sure, sometimes there are more or less than 10. But things being different sizes is what makes the world go round, ain’t it?

Now let us discuss a little movie called “The Hulk” and how here at RevolutionSF we’re all stupid f%#&@tards. Two topics for the price of one!

Subject: Hulk

I liked the Hulk. But I'm a really big fan of Ang Lee's work, and I like Indie Artsy cinema, which is really what the Hulk should have been. It was just on a big budget and marketed really badly. They made it look like something really mainstream, when it was totally out of the ordinary. So.. the people that it appealed to in the commercials... are not the people it was made for....

Yeah, but I liked it. ~FRO!~ (simba209@yahoo.com)

I was OK with “Hulk.” It was, after all, a live-action Hulk movie, and live-action Hulk is something I am fond of. However, I am not fond of the artsy cinema! I find it artsy.

Basically, if a movie doesn’t have a spaceship exploding, I’m not interested.

Now then, here are letters from Wolvie110. Let us look at what the courts may in the future refer to as Exhibit A:

Subject: Hulk

I'm sick and fired of you stupid f%#&@tards.

The Hulk is hands-down the best superhero movie... scratch that, best movie I have ever seen. I'd rather watch this 10 times in a row than read a single paragraph of Martin Thomas' stupid, nonsensical review. Hey Martin, tell US what you think of the movie, not your kid!

Gundam it...

P.S.: Just kidding, I still love you guys ^_^ (wolvie110@hotmail.com)

That last line means everything is A-OK. But then check this letter out, sent mere days later.

Subject: Up Yours, RevolutionSF

Hulk=r00lz. I not going to bother explain why I think it rules. I will say you chowderheads really dropped the ball reviewing it. Don't like it? Fine, just don't write the review AS A LETTER TO YOUR GUNDAM KIDS. And don't go reprimanding me for liking The Hulk. That was fine when you did that when I said I liked Attack Of The Clones, but doing it now would really insult me, and I don't take insults very well. (wolvie110@hotmail.com)

I think I got whiplash from the abrupt switch from the last line of your first letter to the subject line of your second.

Do you think maybe you might need to lie down, or maybe throw a car at somebody?

I would say that I think the understatement of the year is your thing about not taking insults very well. But I don’t think you’d take that very well.

Subject: Batman: Dead End Review by Mark Finn

I absolutely agree. Dead end was the best bat film I've seen yet. I could do without the predator (that could be its own film), but it was perfect. If Sandy could get more funding, he'd make a great bat film. (spam01@juno.com)

Well, he COULD have saved some bucks and had Batman fight street punks, but we’ve all seen that.

I think I freaked out about 7 times during the course of the 6 minutes.

That guy playing Batman is a TANK. If Tim Burton had put Michael Keaton to working out every single day, after about 4 years he could have had those little squiggly veins throbbing on his biceps like the Batman in “Dead End” did. MAYBE.

But definitely look out for the star-making appearance of Andrew “Boner on ‘Growing Pains’ and Chekov’s kid” Koenig as The Joker.

Finally, someone steps out of the shadow of Kirk Cameron! Boner could kick hell out of Urkel with one Olsen twin tied behind his back.

Let us leave Subspace today with a little cheap photographic humor. A little photo that takes on a whole new meaning (for me, anyway) nowthat Starbuck on the new “Battlestar Galactica” is a girl.


RevolutionSF news editor Joe Crowe is either a Maiar or heís not. He canít be trained.

 
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