The X-Men! Superheroes feared and hated by the world they have sworn to protect!

The "X-Men" movie! Seen by lots of people who've never read a comic book in their miserable lives!

The "X-Men" comic book! 40 years of continuous "X-Men" storylines, that every X-fan buys, because they must!

The "Ultimate X-Men" comic book! For fans of the movie, whom Marvel hopes will start buying comics! Pretty please!

The "X-Men: Evolution" cartoon! Teenagers? Why is everybody a teenager?

"X2: X-Men United" and the first X-movie made lots of money, and brought the "X-Men" into the public eye. They'd already been the number one selling comic book for 20-plus years. It's understandable that Marvel Comics and anyone else who likes money would like to get as much of it from the "X" as they could.

But in their zeal to pull in new readers and viewers, Marvel signed off on everything "X" related. They developed a new animated series, "X-Men: Evolution," and a new less continuity-bound comic, "Ultimate X-Men," designed specifically to appeal to a newer audience. But somebody must have forgotten to bring a notepad to the production meetings, because both of these properties are so dissimilar from the movie that they might leave the movie's fans bum-fuzzled like an "X-Men" comic reader who missed a month.

Now there are FOUR separate continuities, four mutually exclusive "X-Men" universes. Hugh Jackman's Wolverine, "Evolution" Wolverine, mainstream Marvel Wolverine, and "Ultimate" Wolverine are four different characters. Somebody should do a handy chart.

This handy chart will allow you to differentiate between all four X Earths. (not "Earth X," that's a completely different Marvel title. But that's not important now.) In the interest of maximizing the purchasing potential of you, the mutant consumer, here is the Ind-X: A Guide to What in the Hell is the Deal With All The Different X-Men Things.

Definitions of terms:

• X-MEN COMICS: Two comic titles, "X-Men" and "Uncanny X-Men," both with continuity stretching back a long, long time. (Abbreviation: C)
• ULTIMATE X-MEN: A new comic with new takes on the characters not bogged down by years of continuity. Except its own. (Abbreviation: U)
• X-MEN MOVIES: You've all been there, seen these, and bought (or will buy) the DVD. (Abbreviation: B) (For Halle Berry, I guess. Work with me, I'm trying to make an acronym.)
• X-MEN EVOLUTION: A cartoon on The WB where most of the X-Men are teenagers, and the rest are their teachers. (Abbreviation: E)

Storm

C: Dignified African weather goddess.

U: Suburban teenage shopaholic.

B: Halle Berry in bad wig.

E: Stodgy adult teacher who's never on the show.

Cyclops

C: Experienced superhero, married to Jean Grey.

U: Dork who can't get up nerve to ask Jean Grey out.

B: Dork who's dating Jean Grey.

E: Dork who kind of likes Jean, but it's a cartoon.

Wolverine

C: Super bad.

U: Assassin who infiltrated X-Men, turned good because he was hot for Jean Grey.

B: Super bad with heart of gold.

E: Stodgy adult teacher who gets shouted down by Cyclops.

Iceman

C: Experienced adult hero, one of original X-Men.

U: Teenage rookie punk.

B: Teenage rookie nice guy, dates Rogue.

E: Teenage rookie screwup.

Jean Grey

C: Former Phoenix, super-telepath. Legal.

U: 19-year-old just out of looney bin. Barely legal.

B: Dead (or . . . is she?). Legal.

E: Hot redhead. Not legal.

Colossus

C: Dead.

U: Former Russian gangster.

B: Super-cool movie cameo guy.

E: Thug for Magneto.

Jean / Cyclops / Wolverine triangle

C: Yes.

U: Jean and Wolverine have sex, so yes.

B: Yes.

E: EWWW! Jean and Cyclops are children, you freak!

Gambit

C: Fangirl pinup, petit.

U: Street hustler in New Orleans, mon cher.

B: Name on computer screen. Sacre bleu!

E: Thug for Magneto. Gumbo!

Magneto

C: Dead.

U: Made machine guns cripple his son. Cool.

B: Said "You are a god among insects." Cool.

E: Got daughter hypnotized to not hate him. Cool.

Rogue

C: Star-crossed lover of Gambit.

U: Bitchy mercenary.

B: Iceman's cute girlfriend.

E: Not bitch, no boyfriend. All goth.

Mystique

C: Nightcrawler's blue mom.

U: Doesn't exist.

B: Naked and blue.

E: Fully clothed blue teacher of bad kids.

Nightcrawler

C: Furry adult, happy with self.

U: Prisoner, never becomes hero.

B: Blue adult, not furry.

E: Blue teen, hides behind hologram.

Professor X

C: Can walk (for about the 3rd time).

U: Can't walk.

B: Can't walk.

E: Can't walk.

Blob

C: Fat adult.

U: Fat adult, likes to cyber.

B: Doesn't exist.

E: Fat teen.

Beast

C: Blue fur, smart.

U: Blue fur, irritating whiner, likes to cyber.

B: Guy on TV, not blue.

E: Blue fur, smart.

Kitty Pryde

C: Experienced superhero.

U: Irritating teen.

B: Fun cameo (twice).

E: Irritating teen.

Costumes

C: Spandex for 36 years, now leather.

U: Leather.

B: Leather.

E: Spandex.

Toad

C: Adult with inferiority complex.

U: Thug with long tongue.

B: Thug with long tongue.

E: Teen with long tongue.

Mutant persecution

C: X-Men being proactive about it.

U: X-Men pissed off about it.

B: X-Men give the President a pants-wetting fright about it.

E: X-Men being brave about it.

Scarlet Witch / Quicksilver

C: Beloved superhero / Butthole.

U: Cute villain / Daddy issues.

B: Doesn't exist / Doesn't exist.

E: Daddy issues / Butthole.