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Subspace: We Know Your Feelings
Hosted by Joe Crowe, April 08, 2003

Lessons I have learned from this week’s Subspace:

1) People are still super-pissed about “Farscape.”

2) I should never, ever try to write something funny, ever again (this week’s Letter of the Week is fun enough for everyone.)

We have a “Frell the Sci Fi Channel” section this week. But first, a letter from the Serbian Bureau of RevolutionSF, via writer Zoran Zivkovic:

Subject: The Two Zoran Zivkovics

That's great! LOL! Serves me right. Fortunately, our new PM, with whom I share the name, belongs to good guys. But my name could have been Slobodan Milosevic, also a frequent Serbian name. Can you imagine problems I would face in that case...

Best, Zoran

Subject: Scare Tactics

I felt like the worst human being in the world. Lower than low. Lower than a rattlesnake's belly button.

Why? Because I loved that show! It was great.

Then I read your review and I felt much better. You really liked it. You even got into S.D. in a fancying way. You enjoyed the pain. Cool.

This makes me feel good again because it's plain YOU are MUCH lower a scumbag than I am.

THANKS!

I really do like that show. Just need a good lie to explain my whereabouts when it's on. (alark2000@yahoo.com)

Watching 90210 reruns?

Subject: Crispin Glover

Crispy Crispin Glover is the MAN! He is high up there in the ranks of spookiness along with Jhonen Vasquez and Tim Burton. Have you ever heard the song "Clowny Clown Clown" that he wrote? Oh wow..if that isn't the scariest song I've ever heard, then I don't know what it is. His birthday is April 20th, and mine is April 23. Go us. I wish we were made for each other.

-scary fangirl #45 (alyssae13@aol.com)

I’m still mad at him for almost kicking David Letterman’s head off.

Subject: Buffy Going

Buffy is going. Only a few more eps and then Tuesday after dark Tuesday night with nothing. No pithy lines, no cute, perky heros and girly heros. No fighting monsters and demons in ball gowns or slinky sweaters. No sweaty sexy minutes that are ok because one of those involved isn't human.

NO, I can't make it. I WON'T make it! Can't breathe, lights dimming...*thump*. (alark2000@yahoo.com)

Don’t anybody tell him about “Dawson’s Creek.”

Let’s start the Farscape / Sci Fi Channel section RIGHTCHERE. For some of these, I’m not gonna say anything, and I’ll just let them simmer amongst the rest of you. Others, not so much.

Subject: Where were you, Farscape fans?

Where were all you "let's burn down the Sci Fi Channel's offices" Farscape fans, who have apparently *only now just discovered* how capricious and arbitrary the Sci Fi Channel can be-- where were you when CRUSADE was cancelled *before it had even aired*??! I mean, arguing with the Sci Fi execs about ratings numbers is utterly meaningless when you consider that they dropped the (Bonnie) Hammer on CRUSADE before there were any numbers to argue. It hadn't even aired a single time when it was canned! I've only recently come to Farscape and will miss it, and I do have sympathy for its disappointed long-time fans, but I find it somewhat humorous to read so many rants, here and elsewhere, in which people are (to quote Casablanca) stunned-- STUNNED!-- to find out that the suits at Sci Fi can be illogical and uncaring about the fate of a quality SF show. This isn't something that started with Farscape, my friends-- and all the griping in the world won't help. Unfortunately. (vplexico@ghsnet.org)

Crusade! There’s a blast from the past. I’ve been doing this for four years, and we were mad when the Crusade thing happened, too. But your letter makes me look back now on my boyish naivete.

Back then it was just weird that Sci Fi would cancel a show abruptly. Who knew that we were merely on the brink of the penny-pinching show-smashing onslaught?

Ah, lost innocence. Everybody join with me to hum “Cat’s in the Cradle” while you read the remainder of this column.

Subject: Farscape companion review

Just to let you know that the Companion you reviewed was a straight reprint of the 2000 book - we had no option but to let it go as that, as that's what Titan had negotiated. There are three further books in the series - one per season, with the final one out next month. Hopefully some of your criticisms were addressed by the later volumes; although I would love to have printed complete synopses, it was felt that we'd started one way and should stick to it so there was a continuity!

Paul Simpson

Author, The Farscape Illustrated Companion series

These next 2 letters may seem not to be about Farscape, but read through them till the end… it’s like stages of grief.

Subject: Stardust

Why is it whenever people list Neil Gaiman's works they always skip Stardust? The lists pretty much jump straight from Neverwhere to American Gods. Don't get me wrong, there isn't really anything wrong with that EXCEPT for the fact the it discounts on of the most beautifully written books I have ever read. It is almost like poetry except with a story and funnier. What the frell?

Speaking frell.....WHY GOD??? say it ain't so. Farscape gone forever left in a pile of ash crowned with an engagement ring. DAMNIT!!! I have to go drown my sorrow. (Girl_on_a_dragon@hotmail.com)

Subject: What Would [X] Do?

Any chance that this contest will be coming back? I miss it. I miss it almost as much as I miss Farscape. Don't ask me how much I miss Farscape, because I really really miss it. (see317@attbi.com)

From contributor Rachel Ivey:

Subject: Frell Sci Fi

Aaron Davis' commentary was excellent. He suggests the very same course of action I took on Saturday, March 22nd, the day after the final episode of Farscape aired.

I e-mailed Sci Fi Channel to tell them in no uncertain terms that the ONLY reason I was ever exposed to any other Sci Fi Channel programming was because of Farscape. I went on to say that without a 5th season of Farscape, I had no reason to watch the Sci Fi Channel at all. I told them that if I had the option of dropping the channel from my satellite channel line-up, I would have already done so.

I'm with Aaron. Forget Sci Fi Channel. We can find quality entertainment elsewhere. (rachelkivey@aol.com)

Subject: FARSCAPE!!!

Yeah I got a really big problem!!! Put Farscape back on the dam air. How they could even take it off the air is beyond me. So why couldn't they make a sister show off of Farscape to keep the audience hooked??? Why didn't they have a spin off called Moya or something? It just pisses me off that they took such an awesome show off the air. There was no reason for it! I tell ya I would have a rally to put that show back on the air. It was the best scifi show that I have ever saw! (JCalandra1000@netscape.net)

Subject: the Farscape article

"My plea to science fiction fans everywhere is to completely boycott the Sci Fi Channel. Don't watch it anymore."

Man, I'm way ahead of you guys. I stopped watching the Sci Fi channel months before Farscape got canned...when The I-Man was.

Btw, I was mortified when Paul Ben Victor got cut in half in Daredevil. You shouldn't kill off that kind of person, he's an inspiration to short, bald headed, karate pimps everywhere. (TheDharmaBomb@WhoZat.com)

”Little boy blue, and the man in the moon…”

From Paul Riddell, contributor emeritus:

Subject: Frell the Skiffy Channel

Aaron Davis was, as usually, right on the ball as far as how Skiffy Channel management didn't want to keep "Farscape" going in the first place. Considering the late-Friday timeslot, where only shut-ins and agoraphobics would come across it in the first place, and the lack of advertising and promotion compared to garbage like "Crossing Over", this was a done deal a while back. (If the Channel management really _had_ given a flip, don't you think we'd be seeing reruns on regular television a la "Stargate SG-1" so as to build up the viewer base?)

However, I come to praise Aaron for one point that became patently obvious over a year ago. When the Skiffy Channel resurrected "SCI FI" magazine at the end of 2001, a lot changed in the formatting. In particular, did anyone notice that not only does the magazine no longer have a letters column, but that the magazine doesn't carry contact information for the people involved? In other words, it's the party line all over again: we don't care what you think, and we don't care how strongly you feel about it. Just shut up and watch that "Battlestar Galactica" Chain Reaction and the same five crappy movies we bought because nobody else wanted them."

If the last three years after getting ditched from "SCI FI" has taught me anything, it's that I don't miss it: either the magazine or the Channel. I just remember the days when Skiffy made the big promises, and it was Comedy Central that consisted of nothing but bad direct-to-cable movies and lousy TV shows that TVLand didn't want. Times change, don't they? (hpoomail@usa.net)

“When ya comin’ home, son?” “I don’t know, Dad, but…”

Pardon me, I’ve got to go get a tissue.

Subject: Enya

Enya is hot. I don't think that her sound Sail away is irritating at all. OK I will like to get her email address. Also I will like to know which of her sounds are in the LOTR.......! Enya I can't get in contact with you but I think that you are really hot. We Vincentians are loving your music every bit of it. I admire you so much. You are a beauty. (milcashmockette007@hotmail.com)

I hope this guy doesn’t think Enya works here.

Because if she did, I would TOTALLY gossip about her behind her back.

Subject: Sci-ku: Stephen King Movies

Y'know...if you added a syllable to the second line of:

Offer your wisdom
(Or at least *some* snarky wit):
We'll give you free stuff!

It'd be a properly formatted haiku too. yes, i'm that bored (Jeremy@lemmingventures.com)

What’s wrong? That second line is supposed to be 7 lines. Perhaps your boredom would be soothed by a nice long nap. Preferably, at your desk during work. Go on… just close your eyes…

Subject: Blairdevil Strikes Again

W00T! Just watched Trial of The Incredible Hulk! Now I'll always wonder what the DD movie would be like if John Rhys-Davies played the Kingpin instead of Michael Duncan Clarke. ::thinks:: W0000T!

I would like to apologize to grey_cyberpunk for insulting him. Even the smartest people can make spelling errors on the internet. (wolvie110@hotmail.com)

I likewise own “Trial of the Incredible Hulk.” “Blairdevil” here says you can download it on Kazaa. Rex Smith fans, rejoice!

Subject: Gundam News

You've seen the models, now see the real deal!

Bandai Japan has announced that it will release a radio-controlled model of "Dom," from Mobile Suit Gundam, in early June. The 35,000 yen (U.S. $290) robot can be controlled to enter battle with other Dom's and the force feedback remote control will transfer battle jolts back to the pilot.

WOOHOO! Real-life Gundams are now one step closer to becoming a reality! You can read the full report at Anime News Network. (daiku@email.com)

Anime’s coming to life and it HAD to be that one, huh? Skipped right over big-eyed schoolgirls. (Who do not exist in nature.)

Subject: The Rear-Ending of Farscape

Not to argue with the author, but I think I can hazard a guess as to why the AggieCon this year had such a low turnout, and it has nothing to do with the war or with the fact that so many of its previous patrons no longer have jobs allowing them $300 or more of disposable income per week. It's a problem with conventions all over: a lack of promotion.

This has been a sore point with me for the last decade: I hear con committees crying and kvetching about how their turnouts get smaller and smaller every year, but does anyone do anything about it? Gee, it couldn't have ANYTHING to do with the fact that most cons expect the attendees to jump through hoops to get there, rather than making it as easy as possible for new fans to attend, could it? It, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that the "promotion" for most cons consists of sending a quickie schedule to "Locus" or the "Asimov's" con listing in the back, which only brings out the same five wannabe writers who hope to con some editor into buying their eighteen-volume "Absolutely Fabulous"/"Farscape" crossover series.

It has noting to do with the con staff waiting until the week before the con to contact the local newspapers, or giving TV crews enough time to do a report other than the usual "look at the freaks" specials that run the Sunday night of the convention. It also has nothing to do with cons that are set up in airport hotels that require ridiculous tolls to get in or out, or ones that are held in hotels so far away from basic amenities to save a few bucks on security deposits. Oh, it has nothing to do with con staffs that let the misanthrope who roundfiles all of his e-mail run Guest and Con Relations, so that nobody else in the staff discovers that half of the guests can't attend until the day of the convention. And what say of cons that schedule themselves deliberately in the middle of Spring Break, opposite a big local football game, or any other event that was scheduled months or years in advance? (My personal favorite in this regard is Armadillocon in Austin: to save a couple of bucks, the con moved from mid-October, when the Texas heat is at least tolerable to those not born in a lead smelter, to the week before classes start at the University of Texas, guaranteeing that the only people who attend are the con staff, the few poor guests, a handful of newbies who don't know better than to go outside in Austin in August, and the sycophants who can't get enough of Bruce Sterling yammering "It's on the Viridian List! Have I mentioned the Viridian List?")

Naaw, it has to do with the war. Silly me.

Sorry to bring up the issue, but when I hear conventions complain about low turnout, I want to scream. Most make a big deal about getting big-name guests and then assume that attendees will discover the con through telepathy or psychic osmosis. Either that, or the hubris is so high that the staff just assumes that the world needs what they have to offer. (A classic point is with the crew running each year's WorldCon continuing to run on the same weekend as Dragon*Con. For all of its faults, Dragon*Con at least advertises to its core audience, and advertises well, while all each WorldCon has to offer is the opportunity to vote for the Hugo Awards. Oh, joy: I plunk down $150 for the privilege of joining another 110 idiots in voting for an award that serves no relevant purpose any more and for books and magazines nobody's actually read. Where the hell do I sign up?) Then, when the convention flubs, it's everyone else's fault.

To be fair to AggieCon, the crew running it does a pretty good job, and I'd be much more inclined to spend my hard-earned cash in College Station than with a lot of the incompetently run cons out there. Just quit worrying about scheduling yet another "How to get published in science fiction" panel with the same four tired guests (thank Elvis Paul Riddell is no longer writing, because at least we no longer have to listen to him bitch and moan) and spend some time on promoting your site to someone besides the same eight geeks who'll be at A-Kon or Armadillocon, okay? (hpoomail@usa.net)

While some of you are preparing your responses to that, here’s my Letter O’ The Week.

A few months ago someone in a Subspace letter accused me and Edgar Harris of hating that show Lexx, because we do, and alleged that I had sex with reindeer.

So I went with it, in a comedic manner, as I am wont to do. I wrote that I enjoyed the activity, which is illegal, probably impossible, and dad-gum it, not in the Christmas spirit.

But I don't! In fact, I never even tried it. Not even in college.

Then I get this letter. I got it a week BEFORE April Fool’s, so that’s out. Be warned that you may not want your child reading this. In fact, you may not want yourself reading it.

There are no words.

Subject: Reindeer Intimacy

I am not sure you are the person to write to. I know that lots of jokes are written about people like me. I am a zoophile. I am very much attracted to Reindeer, as well as Whitetail, and Elk. I have never been with one though. Most of my intimacy has been with horses. My mare and I had ten years together, but sadly died, three years ago. I was in love with her physically and emotionally. I feel like I lost a wife for sure. I have dated other horses, briefly, but have not found the right one. It is difficult to enter into another relationship after such a loss. I think I am still deeply in love with her. I certainly could understand the same relationship with a Reindeer. My attraction is only physically, and I have never met one, but I would like to meet one someday. I am attracted also to cows the same way, but have only hugged and kissed them. It has been my experience that these animals know our feelings for them, and respond by flirting and can make things embarassing in public for sure. I cant help my feelings, just as another person cant help how they feel about a pretty girl.

I would like to talk to the guy on your staff, who enjoy's Reindeer in that special way. (equus464@hotmail.com)

I grew up in rural Alabama, but dude ­ that ain’t right.

Joe Crowe is RevolutionSF News Editor, HUMOR editor. Emphasis on the word HUMOR. HUMOR! Now I’m going to scrub my brain.

 
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