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What Would Vampire Hunter D Do?
Contest Hosted by Joe Crowe, August 29, 2002

Today's Dilemma: How can I get people to accept me?


Not killing or maiming them is always a good start, and not being covered in blood at all times helps too. (your_mail_name_here@yahoo.com)

Have your living, evil, hand attack you. Ash from "Evil Dead" did it, and look at how cool he is. (drobviousso@excite.com)

You obviously have a way with the ladies. I recommend some books to help with your self-confidence. Maybe some natural looking highlights and a Michael Jackson glove for that unfortunate hand. Sorry -- I was trying to help. Love you anyway. (gorian0025@aol.com)

The main thing is, look for a girl with an impossibly tiny skirt and legs up to there...and a really big gun, too. Then wait for the right moment, when she's just about to be killed by the local vampires, and come in and save her. Then she'll fall for you so hard she'll ignore the fact that you're only half-human. Oh, you say you're not a half-human, half-vampire? Well, just ask Tuxedo Mask. He took my advice and it worked for him. (superdave@jcom.home.ne.jp)

Talk to the hand. No. Literally. (ravynfyre13@aol.com)

But perhaps the following might be the wisest advice from Vampire Hunter D. Then again, perhaps he's been badly dubbed.

Whoa, boy! That's a toughie. And a problem I've faced many a time, what with being a damned mutie half-breed thing with a weird-ass sentient hand. For instance, I once had a less than friendly run-in with a boomerang-throwing demon (don't even ask!). I thought we could be friends, but in the end I had to stab him in the mid-section. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should always carry around a huge bladed weapon of some sort. When you see an interesting person, try to get to know them. With a little luck, you'll have a new friend. Or at worst you'll have to run 'em through with a sword. (midnighter50@hotmail.com)

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